I just found my daughter's LiveJournal. Is it wrong for me to read it?

Probably not as wrong as it was for me to snoop around and find it after she's been careful to delete the MS browser memory to hide her internet footsteps (not that it took too long for this technophobe to figure out her "secret" url). But, hey, it is being publicly published. Still, it feels like a bit of a violation to read her LJ while she's out of town visiting her mother.

Am I a creep or is this ethical behavior?

(on edit) It would be interesting for peole to post their ages with their responses, just to see if age has any correlation to the "yes-do vs no-don't" advice they're giving me.

(on second thot) Nah, don't post your age. I'm just looking for a way of demographically sorting out the conflicting advice I'm getting here instead of listening to your input.
God I hate delimmas.

It's made public on the internet, correct? If she has no problem with complete strangers reading it, why should a parent be different?

some younger people have a theory that if they tell someone not to read their online journal, or if they leave a note saying the journal is "only" to be read by strangers, and not by family or friends, then it is unethical to continue reading if you know the writer

i'm much older so don't get that theory but it's a common one

that's why i ask the age of the diarist downstream, it's two different cultures, the older person like me on lj is happy to have anyone read our cranky productions, the younger people do not agree w this

considering you don't want to estrange yr daughter, i'd respect her wishes on reading the journal

And we can all read it !

:hi:

You think I can't figure out how THAT could boomerang on me?

blog on the internet. Do they really think that this is private?

Not surprisingly, someone read it, reported it, and the dude got popped. He actually killed someone while driving around drunk, so the story's not quite as funny as you'd wish.

in NC - and there was some blog out there that might have given away the motive (I haven't really followed the story closely, though)

People can find my posts here and other blogs.

I think it's a bit of a violation. I wouldn't do it.

Strangely, I feel more guilty about reading what I've read of it (so far) than I would if I, say, went sniffing thru her sock drawer for bags of marijuana. Mostly because it's confirming that she's basically the same person that she acts like around me, albeit one who uses the word "fuckwhore" more on her blog than she does in person.

My suggestion stems from my philosophy that, where people I know well are concerned, I give my trust unless/until said person gives me reason not to trust them. As a teenager, whenever I was accused of something I didn't do, it made me feel entitled to go do it anyway; since I was already being persecuted for the action. Ugh- I'm dreading the teen years with my kids....:scared:

...kids in their teen years tend to be the same person you knew when they were young and adorable. Now they're just gangly, confused, gutter mouthed, sexually curious, and equally adorable. There's really nothing to dread. I mean, think about all the shit you did as a teenager. You survived it and maybe even learned a few valuable, if marginally regretable, lessons. Your kids'll go thru the same confusion and occasional idiocy. But most of the drama of teenism is mental, being worried about stuff that eventually never happens or never matters.

I'm taking your advice, by the way, even if I don't like it.

Your completely sensible and uncomfortably accurate definition of teenagers is why you don't need to read the journal. You already know that everything is going to sound far more dramatic than it actually is, so why make yourself squirm.

Assuming that you've also let your daughter know the same things in your post: that everyone makes mistakes, gets confused, etc., then I believe she'll come to you if there is a real problem-- no need to read about it first.

I'm 34 and had very trusting parents. I screwed up a bunch, but I'm no worse for wear.

*** if you have any reason to think she might be in real trouble, ignore everything I just said and snoop.

There is a huge difference between sharing your thoughts with strangers and having them known by your parents. It's a violation.

If you suspect she is in danger, well, it's your job to protect her. If not, leave well enough alone.

Khash.

quickly and look for the obvious things - check on some of the friends' links too, make sure she's not talking to scumbags

others probably wasn't supposed to include you. Teens need some privacy. I understand wanting to read it, but you shouldn't. JMO!

Unless, as someone else has already said, if you have reason to think she's experimenting with drugs or other dangerous behaviors, if she tried to delete the browser memory it's clearly something she wants to remain private.

Sometimes you just wanna share your stuff with anonymous strangers who can be impartial and sympathetic -- but you DON'T want your parents to see it.

Not reading it, I'd be consumed with what "could" be in there.

I'd much rather do what DS1 suggested, just scan it to make sure there's no suicidal talk, online nudie pics, :silly: etc. Chances are it's the usual teen stuff.

I am of the opinion that you find out as much about your kids as you can.

If it were an actual journal / diary that she wrote in for herself only, that'd be different.

And respect her privacy....

Unless you want to alienate her for a long time..

Sounds to me as though there might be a lack of trust on both your sides.

Something to explore with her when she returns home.

Just my opinion.....

you might wish you did'nt read it .

This would be different if you were asking us whether or not you should pick the combination lock to her diary.

However, don't discount the possibility that this live journal was left for you to read. My neighbor's kid gets away with murder because of a similar disinformation campaign, and I don't like either parent enough to rat on him.

like calipeggy said. don't do it unless you have some reason to think there's something of interest there(like she's been acting unusally or she's become more withdrawn or something...)

no need to go read it and find she's just written about boys and typical teenage stuff, that's really not worth breaking her trust.

g'luck :)

If it's out there for the world to see, why not you? If she finds out you're reading it, then that's a little reminder lesson for her about the nature of the Interet.

In the long run, you might be doing her a favor by reading it if she's into something you disapprove of (though she wouldn't think so). In a way it could be your duty as a parent to monitor her life, distasteful as it may be.

that's something Bush would do.Invade her privacy!

Obviously there's a heueueuge ass difference between a parent checking up on a child and a government checking up on a private citizen.

issue if you don't want an opinion don't ask.I didn't say I knew I was right I just think it will create bigger problems then it would solve.If you have a question for your teen ask.At least you will still have their trust.Unless they are out of control there is no need to infringe on their privacy.

Would you read her journal if you found it laying on her bed? Would you listen in to her private conversations with friends?

By logging out and setting her entries as "friends only."

But would you read her diary if you found it?

behind the friends filter.

Ask her if it would be ok if you did. She will probably tell you no, but will probably also go in and clean it up if it needs cleaning.

Then, follow your agreement with her.

She will self-censor, probably, that is the likely outcome. If you don't mind that, then that's the course of action to take.

Otherwise, just don't read it and drop the whole thing.

That makes it public and fair game.

That said, I personally would not read it - it would feel too much like reading her diary. But she has to understand that the internet is publicly accessible, and she should never write anything online that she wouldn't want her mother or father to see.

If she is posting about her life on the world wide web for anyone to read...why should you feel bad for reading it?

I'd read it.

It would be different if she was writing her thoughts in her diary with a lock on it and making it clear that she wanted privacy.

And unless you see something that is of concern then I would drop it.
I have a teenage daughter that was cutting. I found out by reading her online diary and we were able to get her some help. She still has problems but we are more aware and able to respond quicker.

And I'll add. Don't let her know that you read it even if you find something of concern. Find a way to address any issues without her knowing about your reading the diary.

I quit reading it after a few entries and I'm not going back. It was a nice exercise in detective work finding it, but it occurs to me that my kid is pretty reliable and pretty honest. Like when she got mono over Christmas this year, she was perfectly open with me about who all the suspects might be. I read enough of the Live Journal to see that she writes just the way most teenagers write online (thus making the internet generally unreadable). But if I make a big deal about my silly little delimma, I'll make her more self conscious about what she's writing now. And that may come back to haunt me later when I need to help the police find out where she's run off to.

That, plus spending the last two hours on the internet has reliably shifted my immediate interests to some other frivolous distraction. (Right now I'm reading Pravda's article on a woman who's slowly mutating into a thorn plant.) It's really no bid deal, once I get some perspective like that.

I don't believe in secrets with teens. There can be WAY too many surprises.

However, be prepared to keep your mouth shut about what you read.


I'm 55. I once read a note from my daughter's boyfriend and figured out they were intimate and was able to unobtrusively arrange a physical for her and told her that everything about that doctor visit was completely private, and it was. She has since told me she went on the pill then. I think that was a good thing.

I just wanted to say that I was initially firmly in the "don't read it" camp, until I thought about it some more. Because it's out in the open for everyone to see, I would read it. My reasoning is that my child may not be aware that they're revealing things about themselves, such as where they live, that make them easy targets for the crazies out there. Neither of my kids are old enough that I need to worry about it yet, but in the future if I know they are participating in things like message boards or blogs, I would monitor them to make sure they're keeping themselves anonymous. A physical journal found in their bedroom I believe is off limits for privacy. Posting it on the internet changes that because then it becomes a safety issue. Edited for clarity.

surely it's good enough for her father to read it.

I did read a few of the entries at the top of the page. And no, it's certainly not good enough for her father to read. It's full of cloying anime-like emoticons and leet-speak references and other adolescent things that remind me how glad I am that I'm not a teenager any more.

If so, monitor your child's Internet activities. If you see anything that looks extremely private, let your daughter know that her LJ is not secure. In any case, alerting her that you've found and read it seems polite.

I'm 38 and just two years ago my very snoopy mother followed my Internet footsteps to find out what I was posting on a forum. That was public, but not really because I had some anonymity. I know that we really aren't anonymous if someone really wants to find out who we are, but I still felt that was completely uncalled for. I wanted to maintain anonymity. From my post (it was a poem), she got the crazy idea that I was demon-possessed.

Then again, my mother is a subject all on her own. How would she feel if I let everyone know exactly who I am and exactly who she is? It wouldn't be fair to her.

It's an invasion of privacy. I'm sure you wouldn't have wanted your mother to read your journal when you were your daughter's age.

My daughter started a LiveJournal when she went to school out of town. It was a free and easy way to keep me posted on how she was doing, and was meant as such. It ended up saving her life.

but I wouldn't mention it to her unless you read something that is serious enough to address to her.

It might seem like an invasion of privacy, but online journals that are open to the public rarely fall under this provision.

I keep both an online and private journal. My online (MySpace) is mainly pictures and ramblings whereas my private journal is for my deepest thoughts and dreams. :)

I see nothing wrong in reading it.

If only for your own sake. I have a teen daughter and apart from checking her history every now and then to see where she goes, I keep out of her business.

or my cousin/ ex roomate. if she finds out, and i bet she will- be prepared to have a much worse relationship than ever, and that would be your own fault.

What you don't know, won't hurt you..

My own daughter has a my space and she showed it to me to show me what was on there. I trust her. I haven't had a reason not to. Mainly because she is like a sieve. She tells me everything. So much so that I have to ask for the Reader's Digest version some of the time.

Unless you have reason to believe she is engaging in behavior that could be harmful, I think you will regret it.

Just my opinion.

if she's a teen, yeah, it's wrong, in fact, you shouldn't even mention you know she has a journal, it would make her feel too weird

i'm middle-aged, and i don't care if my mom reads my journal, in fact, i send her a link to my pages when i have an update that i think she will like, usually a photo entry as i don't think she is really interested in reading my day-to-day diary entries

but i would not care if she did sit there & read the whole thing, if she doesn't know by now i'm odd she'll never figure it out

Put it down and step away.

and you know damn WELL you should not read it

You think she may be in some sort of trouble or she is suddenly a whole different person? If I was really concerned about her behavior or something I would but otherwise I would say no. As a parent of 2 (20 and 23) I think it is important to respect their privacy but at the same time be concerned and watchful if you think they are in trouble.

If there is more you want to know about your daughter, try talking to her yourself instead of snooping around. Just because someone is a minor doesn't mean they don't have the right to privacy and she has made an attempt to keep her journal a secret, you should respect that.

The only exception can think of is if you think she is involved in any kind of activity that puts her in danger and you are sincerely worried about her safety. But if you are just being a SNOOP, NO!

Your daughter has just as much right to privacy as you do. How would YOU feel if someone read one of your journals? I mean, nice try attempting to rationalize the violation of an essential boundary with the whole "it's publicly published" excuse but she clearly wants to keep it private from her family or she would have mentioned she was keeping it.

I don't know when the last time you took a parenting class was, but experts nowadays will tell you that if your kids, particularly your young adult female ones, aren't allowed to develop a sense of privacy, individuality and an ability to trust their parents, they can develop severe mental health problems in their older years, including lovely things like fears of intimacy, self-esteem problems, self-image issues and more.

Apart from whether or not what you want to do represents good or healthy parenting, however, which in my opinion, it doesn't, it's disrespectful and wrong for you to want to ignore a boundary of this nature. In good relationships, people are aware of and attentive to boundaries. A lack of desire to do so is the kind of thing people go to therapy for.

Other parents of the world, respect your kids. Especially as they mature. Reading their journals, searching their rooms, and pretending it's appropriate for you to do this "just 'cause"--isn't. And it makes you look like assholes.

It stands for: "you shouldn't even be conflicted about this one dude".

Unless she gets into trouble, I'd leave it be. Alternately, perhaps her mother would be better entrusted with the secret.

I know what I'd do: I'd copy-paste every last line on a regular basis, saving it to a file that I never read...until someday ten years down the road when I can safely learn all the devastating details when all crises are over. But I'd still ask permission first. Once you violate their privacy in that way, you will be hated. For a while.

It's her personal business. If I found out my parents were snooping into my journal when I was young it would have damaged the trust irreparably. Seriously. Let her have her privacy.

You asked for age, I don't mind giving mine - 31. Oh, and male. But then that's available on my profile.

This is no different to you suddenly finding your daughter's diary left out on her desk, open, with the writing for all to see.

If it were me, you could tell your daughter that you found her LiveJournal via a web search (you were trying to see our of pure curiosity other people with family names on the 'net) and 'accidentally' found it. You could then ask to read, and if she says no, then respect that decision. Only problem is that now you know where her "diary" is, she can't now "move" it to another place easily.