need advise on grandchildren

I am posting here looking for advise on what to do with my grandkids. First some background. These kids are my youngest daughter's kids. The oldest is a boy age 6 who is slightly autistic, the other is a girl age 2. Without sounding judgmental she got pregnant at age 16 and again at age 20 by 2 different men. All this while still living at home. In each case we felt the best thing for the children was for them to live here at home. Everyday when I get home from work it looks like a tornado went through the house. The mother is glued to the computer and the kids are running amok. The boy is in school and gets special services but the little girl is another story. Because of the neglect when she doesn't get her way she bangs her head on whatever is nearby, doors,walls or the floor. She also has the worse case of eczema I've ever seen. She scratches herself to the point of bleeding on her ankles,arms, neck and back. My wife has gotten creams and ointments to use on the rash but mommy "forgets" to put it on her. I haven't had a very good relationship with her for a few years and this hasn't made things better. I've thought of petitioning the court for custody but the wife is against it. I'm not allowed to say a word about the house no matter what condition it's in. My wife says it's better to keep them close or we'll never see them again and the ones to suffer will be the kids. I'm at my wits end. I hate the thought that she's getting away with her behavior and using our grandchildren as a weapon. My wife has tried everything to get her to do the right thing but nothing works. She's bought her a cell phone, clothes, makeup and sat with the kids while she goes out with her friends. As I type this the father of the girl is over visiting, never has he even offered a red cent of support. It's to the point where I don't even go into the house but enter the house by a door that leads into our master bedroom and avoid looking at the house until the wife is home. This is no way to live, but I don't know what to do.

You'll get the strength to do what you probably already realize.. to kick your daughter out and make her learn how to get by on her own.

If you have to get temp custody of the kids in the mean time then do so. They'll be better for it if they're mother gets herself together.


Good Luck. It hurts - I know :hug:

I don't know what to say but :hug:

The mother is clearly very, very irresponsible. I'd consider some counseling for you and your wife to find a good way to deal with this situation. You do what to think about what's best for the kids and that might be calling CPS and getting them involved. It sounds like the girl is clearly in need of some help.

During some of our arguments, she's blamed everything on me. She claims I paid more attention to the oldest because she has been and is still sick (needs a kidney transplant) and that my son and I get along because we're both male and in the same line of work which left her the odd one out (not true). My wife realizes that she's lazy and neglectful of the children but it seems to me she's willing to put up with anything in order to keep the children here. I've had her call me a fucking asshole in front of my mother. The embarrased looks from my family was more than I could take so I hid in my room until they left.

Being your daughter is sick is no excuse to neglect her kids and disrepect you - especially in your home.


I understand your wife's fear for the kids.. but this is exactly what your daughter is playing on to keep her cushy life. As long as she your wife makes excuses it will continue.


So sorry for your hell.

I wanted you to know I read your post and I feel for you. That's no way for you or your grandchildren to live. My heart goes out to them and to you and your wife. I have no idea what to suggest for getting your daughter to grow up and take some responsibility, especially if your wife is intent on enabling her. Has your daughter threatened to cut you off from your children if she doesn't get her way?

I don't want to sound judgmental but honestly, it sounds like you let your daughter stay at home with no boundaries or rules. It also sounds like you and your wife are not together on what has to be.

You say that, "My wife has tried everything to get her to do the right thing but nothing works. She's bought her a cell phone, clothes, makeup and sat with the kids while she goes out with her friends."

How is this going to get her to do "the right thing?" All that's going to do is reinforce the fact that she's free to do what she wants, her parents will support her financially and she has no responsibility for her own kids.

First of all - tell your daughter that you will no longer be a sugar daddy for her. Set an amount for her to pay for rent and stick to it. Tell her she needs to get a damn job and pay it or find a new place to live, with or without the children.

Both fathers need to be brought to court and ordered to pay child support.

Set some rules and restrictions. Your daughter sounds like she's the 6 year old. Put a password on the computer and don't allow her to use it unless she does her chores and minds her children.

And sit down with your wife and talk about you are both enabling this girl which is not fair to her, her kids or either of you. You need to function as a unified team to change things.

Good luck - you've got a hellish situation going on.

but to take some sort of action. You are enabling the behavior and I understand that because I have grandchildren, too. They are precious to us.

But something is going to explode and it might be you. Seriously, you could have a stroke or something from the emotion and worry.

I think you and your wife need to visit a counselor together, without your daughter, and get professional assistance with this. Don't try and go this alone.

The damage to these children will be awful if the situation isn't straightened out soon.

Outside intervention is needed,and fast.

I love my wife with all my heart but she's part of the problem. In order to keep the peace here I have kept my mouth shut and taken alot of shit, but I feel that she doesn't support me in my battles with my daughter. I fully understand that so long as she can keep us at odds she wins. I will seek counseling, but don't see any hope of the situation getting better until the daughter grows up (fat chance).

As I said in my other post, what we'd like here is for your daughter to "grow up". Your counseling might help you deal with this, but it won't change her behavior, and that's what everyone needs to have happen.

I don't get why everyone is suggesting counseling for you and your wife. :shrug:

might be able to set your wife straight. Don't give up. Of course she is enabling. She's a mom. Don't let this come between the two of you.

There are a LOT of dynamics going on in your home and you need some help unraveling it.

Your daughter won't grow up until she needs to.

This is not a livable situation for you or the kids. You deserve better, the kids deserve better. Please, please, please talk to a licensed psychologist or psychiatrist! Also find a good lawyer.

It sounds to me like your granddaughter is either mildly autistic or horribly neglected by her mother - either one will result in worse problems to come.


You sound like a responsible and caring man. So get them help. It will cost and it won't be fun - but if you love these kids, it has to be done.

You do have options - if you have good health insurance and the kids are covered (probably not) you can do something without paying out of pocket. If not, there are state agencies that can help. It's kinda tough but you can find help.


Trust me on this, if you do not get help, it's only gonna get worse. And you don't deserve that, your wife doesn't deserve that, the kids don't deserve that.


Khash.

is that we didn't raise the kids to be that way, the only one that acts that way is her. It's almost like she got switched at birth and somebody has our real daughter out there somewhere. I can't help but think I failed somehow. It's natural to seek answers when something goes wrong and for the life of me I'm at a loss. I've felt like leaving and chucking the whole mess, but after 26 years of marriage I can't. Like I said, I love my wife........

and yeah I know it sounds like crap...

After a certain point parents are not responsible for their children.

Don't let a fucked up kid ruin your marriage - you said you love your wife. So don't let anything come between you. After 26 years? That's a hell of a commitment!

But you do need to seek professional help - for your sake, your wife's sake, your daughter's sake, the children's sake.

What I see, looking in from the outside, is a lot of people hurting. But it doesn't have to be that way. Find professional help, please. It doesn't have to be like this.

Khash.

Sounds to me like she feels very down on herself. She's what, 22, has two kids, one of which has autism. She obviously has had terrible luck with love/men. I suspect she is depressed/insecure/scared shitless of what her life has become, and has not a clue as to how she will dig herself out of the hole. Someone has got to get through to her and show her how she CAN make it and be okay--and sometimes that can't be a parent, it needs to be a third party.

I don't know why everyone is suggesting counseling for you and the missus--your DAUGHTER is the one with the problems. You could probably get some help on how to deal with it, but that won't change your daughter's behavior.

While I agree to a point with some of the comments made regarding tough love/kicking her out, I don't know that something like that would be good for the children. With this situation, at least you and your wife can look out to make sure that the kids are at least fed/have good conditions. I'd start small with changes.

If you turned her out, with the kids, who knows how she would take care of them alone. Single parenthood, as I mentioned in another thread, sucks, and it is clear that *right now* she is not equipped to cope.

You and your wife sound so very helpful, and the kids are lucky to have you. Good luck!

That's the point of those of us who suggest counseling for them. They have to start with themselves to learn how to deal with her.

You're right.. she needs help too, but for now all he can do is work on himself to get the others the help they need.

Apparently, she is not concerned about the money, but I suspect that is because you and your wife support her and the children. That needs to change.

Frankly, that's all the advice I can offer. The rest is far too complex. I think family counseling is definitely in order though.

Good luck :hug:

and lacking even the attention that her brother gets at school, is acting out of extreme frustration.

I agree that your daughter needs help more than anyone in this situation, although your enabling wife is certainly not helping. If a person is flaking out, giving them stuff and indulging them is not the way to get them to shape up. I wonder if this is a lifelong pattern with your wife, trying to "bribe" your children into behaving.

In the most extreme case, you may have to sue for legal custody of your grandchildren and kick your daughter out of the house, since she's not doing them a bit of good. (That's assuming that she refuses to get help.)

I knew a couple in Portland who had to sue for custody of their grandchildren because the parents were into drugs and were neglecting them.

but not to the extent that she's help this one. We helped the oldest one get a car so she could get to dialysis and I've lent my car to my son so he could go to work (he just became a firefighter). My wife bought a new computer for the grandchildren and guess who spends all the time on it, first 2 answers don't count.

I wonder where the rest of your family stands on this issue. You and your grandchildren, need the support of other family members to help your wife see the big picture. Neglect is a form of abuse, and your granddaughter is being neglected.

Your daughter is not acting as a fit mother. I'm not saying that can't change; but it had better change quickly or the little girl could suffer irreversible damage.

Your daughter needs to grow up; and so does the father of your grandchild. And if you find you have no recourse but to involve the court to ensure your grandchildren's safety and happiness; just do what you have to do.
:hug:

Sorry things have come to the life in your home the way it is right now.

Hope your wife can come to the point of understanding a united front with you for the grandkids is paramount, and that "being able to see them" isn't the issue since the real issue is about the kids, not her, not your daughter, not you.

Until that is collectively realized and acted upon by you, your wife and other family mebers for support, the chaos and sadness for the kids will continue.

:hug: If you don't like it, change it. Choose your battles and your path.

Peace

Nelly

A path is only a path,
and there is no affront, to oneself or to others,
in dropping it if that is what your heart tells you.
Carlos Castaneda