HELP! I am really desperate

How do I get my cat to speak ENGLISH????!!!!!!!

Just like the nuns!

I'll try that. Good thing she has been declawed
Disclaimer: She was already declawed when we rescued her from the SPCA.

English as a second language and when that doesn't work you can learn cat. It's not that hard but sometimes the nuances are too vague when learning cat and it can be misinterpreted. You might want to watch for that.;-)

but, as you say, the nuances are quite troublesome. However, I can deal with that in a toned down, calm situation, such as "Thanks for scratching my ears, now check my butt."

But when she is really hyperactive, tending toward psycho, or when she keeps meowing frantically and nothing works ...

How do you say : "I really think you need to clean your litter box."

"While not claiming that cats have acquired the power of human speech, in 2002, a Cornell University researcher investigated whether cats vocally manipulate their humans. Nicholas Nicastro, a graduate student working under psychology professor Michael Owren at Cornell University's Psychology of Voice and Sound Laboratory said that cats were obviously very dependent on people for their needs and that they may have evolved to become better at managing and manipulating people. While domestic cats may not know language, his study suggested that cats, which have lived alongside humans for thousands of years, have adapted their "meows" to better communicate with humans."

http://messybeast.com/cat_talk.htm

Maybe if I JUST SPEAK LOUDER.

cats refuse to speak english, they are too snobby for such a coarse and uncouth communication

who kept his tomcat in a pew.
He taught it to speak alphabetical greek,
but it never got farther then mew.