Have you ever gone back to an ex?

After five years I've started to write to an old girlfriend. She hasn't answered yet, but I think she'll come around. It did end badly though, and she married the other guy. I think she's divorced now though.

Jesus, listen to me. I must be out of my mind.

What can I say, I loved her. Still do.

Am I crazy?

I hope people get back together...it's taken some time to sink in, but temporary breaks may be good things.
Even long breaks.

People do change, and if it's a good change, then there's always hope, right? :hi:

This thing has just got me all churned up inside. Lots of old emotional shrapnel flying around the room.

You just about done with school for the year?

Redstone

After a much shorter time period, though.

Crazy? Who knows? Are you sure you aren't romanticizing the past?

It worked out for me, but that's as much luck as anything else.

better now?
If she is recently divorced, aren't you afraid that she's not ready for another relationship?
I did go back to an ex-boyfriend once. It was a mistake; it seemed different at first but within 4 months or so, it was the same as it was before. In some ways, though, it was not a mistake in that I learned that there was nothing to regret about breaking up with him.

I'd really be satisfied just to be friends. It's pretty painful when I look back. I want to remove that pain from my life.

I really don't know much of anything about her life now.

I was hurt, and he was there. It had nothing to do with him. Of course, he's in Prison now, but that's another story.
Duckie

Got her pregnant then beat her up, inducing a miscarriage. He got charged with harming a fetus and attempted murder. It was pretty.
Duckie

"Did you get killed?" Lordy, I'm speechless.

Each person's situation is unique.

She may hate me.

I wanted to, but I am a changed person. I was flattered by his call, tho.

I'm surprised he called; but chances are he was interested in only one thing. And it's what people do in a relationship, but without the other things a relationship offers.

I am not strong. I am merely unable to break my "programming", so to speak...

:P

No real desire to do it, either. I didn't even have break-up sex with my ex-wife, even though we didn't really hate each other or anything.

I think it could have happened if I pressed for it. I didn't want to take advantage of the situation, though. Damn my left-wing morals!

I don't know, I say if it feels right, go for it

.. but frankly, in my experience it almost never works. I'm not talking about myself, because I'd never go back to an ex. Whatever broke it up the first time is still there. It's not going away.

I've seen lots of couple play the on-again off-again game, and it always ended up on "off".

But then, there are exceptions to every rule and I hope yours is one :)

all she can offer.

But things are very different now. She was very young, and I foolish, but when it was right it was great. May I just say that I really admired this girl's brain, as well as the rest of her. Very intellligent and complex. I like that.

Sometimes people like to know that there is someone out there that "gets them", that understands what they are all about. That they know the real you and you are connected.

Once I give up on someone, or they give up on me, it's over, never to go back. I think it has to do with self-esteem.

People, in general, don't change that much. And even if you have changed over the course of 5 years, you carry your old baggage with the people from your past.

My advice is to run, don't walk, away from this.

We were together for two and a half years. I wouldn't do that again.

That made no sense. Details????

said she was in town so we went out, hit it off (again) and were together for more than two years. It had its good points but it didn't work out. I would doubt that many such situations would. No doubt there are exceptions.
You're not crazy. If you really love this woman, go for it. For me, it was something nice and convenient which wasn't fair to either of us. I wish you luck.

Why move back?

as right (for me) as her.

rather than trying to settle for somebody you already know isn't right for you. If things were going to work out you wouldn't have split up and stayed split five years and she'd not have married somebody else.

you're right, I should get out there.

My wife is an "ex-girlfriend" who used to get letters from old lovers.

Basically they freaked her out. Granted, we were happily married, but I think that all she could remember of these guys was what was wrong in the first place and she further wondered what was wrong with them that they couldn't get over it.

Something was wrong between you and your ex-girlfriend. It's why you are no longer together. Why after 5 years do you think whatever was wrong will have gone away? You're different people, true, but it only means you don't even know each other any more.

But this is just advice. You will do what you will do.

Here's my experience from decades ago: Once or twice, I tried contacting old lovers before I met my wife. I regret it now. It was a waste of emotional energy and basically I ended up feeling like a fool. My true happiness came when I started to believe in the present and the future more than the past.

Am I wrong to want to try to be friendly again though? She lives hundreds of miles away, it's not like I'll see her often if ever.

This is hard to admit but she really damaged my self esteem. And I feel the need to end this on an up note. I need resolution. This thing just won't go away on it's own.

The more it is about your self esteem, the less there is in it for her, and the more likely she is to further damage your self-esteem by flipping you off yet again.

You think you can end it on an "up" note, but you have not considered that the down note could be even lower than where you are now.

Now, at least, you can have a romantic fantasy about accidentally meeting her on a plane to Honolulu in 2016 and you fall in love all over again. Right now, you can keep that fantasy for the rest of your life, or at least until it is no longer interesting or important to you, the latter case being far more likely.

On the other hand, you could create a situation wherein if she sees you at the airport, she tiptoes out of it hoping you didn't see her. I can tell you that if my wife were to see one of the guys who wrote her years after the fact love letters, that is exactly what she'd do if she saw one of them - hide.

You seem like a person who wants to love. This is a good thing. You can find love. There are billions of people in the world, many of them fine, excellent people with whom you can share real happiness. You think this woman is somehow above all the rest, but she really isn't. It's an illusion. Trust me. You can do better, and if you have the right outlook, most likely you will.

...who has lived a long time.

Call me crazy too.

crazy alone.

I'm not about to throw stones. My heart has always had a mind of its own.

And that is enough rhymes! :rofl:

My ex and I, divorced nine years,married 18, have been "seeing each other" of late. Most of our time together is spent talking about our history and why it went bad after many good years. A lot came out from the both of us. We talk about things we should have talked abou 10-20 years ago.
We're both scared shitless but its going nice and slow.
Its like a cleansing process.Like we are getting to know each other again. Dating. But its still scary.

Holding nothing back and straight to the jugular honesty. We're both actually enjoying this.

last time and not rock the boat too much. She was considerably younger than me and very beautiful and I felt so lucky to have her, so I put up with so much shit that I just shouldn't have. Looking back I can see where she was constantly challenging me to stand up to her and show her what I was made of. I let her down. Oh, how I regret that.

Be careful

Redstone

I've gone back again and again, and each time it got worse. But I passed the last test well, though, She called me right after the first anniversary of 9/11. She had to go up there for the Navy, and she said it really had an effect on her and she had so much regret about how it ended (which time? lol) and just said all this really mushy stuff...and then she called a back again like the next day and while we were on the phone, long distance, she started checking her messages on her cell phone...on my dime. Then when I pointed out to her that she could do that anytime and since I was paying for it she should talk to me instead she told me I had a bad attitude. So I hung up. She hadn't changed one bit, despite the 9/11 thing. Maybe some people do actually change, but not that one.

Life is risky.

...and sometimes frisky. ;) That's why we take the risk, no?

roll of the dice. Like spending my last (really) $600 to fly the future Mrs R from California to come live with me. She put it all on that one roll of the dice as well, leaving everything she owned (again, really) to come to me.

And sixteen years later, here we still are. We still can't sit on a couch without sitting close enough that we touch one another.

Love does indeed conquer all. If you and your ex have that, then all will be well.

Redstone

I don't think "we" had that (one don't make a we unfortunately).

Geez, why can't I find that? 48 years old and... Sometimes I just want to go sit in a cave.

there's a seat for every ass.

Fate caught me 36 years old. What's to say it won't catch you at 48?

Redstone

It was what it was....got three great kids out of it.

:hi: Good luck! It does work out the way it's supposed to sometimes.

The key is that I never stopped thinking about him. Nor he I. We ironed out what it was that had kept us from being happy...and are celebrating 10 years of marriage (after 4 years dating the second time around) this July. I say, go for it...if you feel love still. :hug:


Oh! And I was in the shower...on edit. ;)

but I do still feel it. I doubt she ever truly did, unfortunately.

I hope it works out for you. :hug:

So glad to find it again. I was losing faith. I think we need to remind ourselves from time to time to think of DU as a collection of friends we just haven't met in person yet.

:hug:

I can't see myself doing that. For me, once is enough, two is too many tries. There are four women I can count as my ex. Two I am still good friends with, one I speak with occasionally, one I try to forget exists.

I can't speak for anyone else, but for me, if I were to try and get back with any of these women, there would be either too much hurt sustained in the initial break up, too much awkwardness about what happened in the interim, or just no desire to take it beyond friendship again.

most of what happened. But of course, I can't speak for her. And friendship above all is what I'm wanting from her.

Is it wrong to want that when you think of someone you imagine them wanting good things for you? I want to know that she feels that for me.

:) It's a start.

Start with friendship. If you don't have a friendship...a *real* friendship, and not some BS where one person uses the other to feel good about themselves and gives nothing back (what, me, bitter about my ex? NEVER! :grr: :P), then you can't get anywhere else.

Friendship is the most important thing, I think. If I learned anything from the fiasco of my last GF, it's that.

a rough spot with a female friend). Dear God (IF that is your real name), send me a life I can stand.

Not gonna happen. The Laws of Irony say so.

Signed,
God.

:pals:

and I mean with my usual crowd I'd be fine, but in intellectual company, as was the case on this particular occasion, well, let me just say, it was not pretty.

and get to know her routine- who she sees, where she goes, what she has for breakfast, how often she showers...you know, the usual stuff.
then, when she's out, you should break-in and plant a few of those wireless spy-cams- just to keep better tabs on her...
since you lover her, it's okay and she'll totally understand. :hi:

(btw- just to be real for a moment...DO NOT WRITE HER...you'll end up feeling like a total tool...it's situations exactly like this that titty-bars and/or easy women were created for. -go get yourself a lap dance, and get your mind right.)

But QA, I AM a total tool. A Shopsmith mark V to be exact:

then I came to my senses. There was usually a good reason we split. And age didn't seem to change that.

necessarily be better?

:shrug: I'm just sayin'....

That part of us didn't change. We might be older, wiser but still not really right for each other.

But that's my history, not anyone elses...

what does that mean, exactly?

She's made a decision not to return your letters. Presumably she has your contact info by now.

If she doesn't want to have contact with you, what the hell are you doing? No means no.

After reading all these posts, I can tell you that people CAN change but rarely make significant life-altering changes that stick (at least the changes you're hoping for). If that person hurt you before, they can hurt you again. You know the old cliche, "Burn me once, shame on you; burn me twice, shame on me"? Pay close attention to that. ;)

That being said, I contacted an ex about three years ago simply to see how he was doing. Things ended badly for us too, and I had not talked to him in quite some time, but I did not want to go the rest of my life without at least being civil to someone who at one time had meant the world to me. We have corresponded occasionally, and it's been nice. I was happy to know that we could be friendly with each other after everything that had transpired. That doesn't mean I have forgotten the pain, and I have never had any intention of trying to pick up where we left off.

If you do hear back from her, don't expect much. She may be confused about your intentions or unsure that she wants to reopen that chapter of her life. She may be glad you contacted her---or she might just want to be left alone.

Just be careful. :) You don't want to get hurt again either, do you? :)

The problems we tried to ignore were still there... and the relationship failed the 2nd time too.