20 Reasons Why I would Make The Best Batman Ever…

20 Reasons Why I would Make The Best Batman Ever…

1. My secret identity will never be revealed. Nobody ever expects the short guy. Nobody. Plus I am stealthy. And, quick too.

2. Unlike the real Batman, I do not have any fetishes for effeminate sidekicks in tights. Not really anyway. Ok, only sometimes. But I have it under control. For the most part.

3. You cannot be defeated by an evil genius, if you yourself are an evil genius. ‘Nuff said.

4. My only weakness in life is short women. And, since I am friends with both Jack Bauer and Chuck Norris, I will just have one of them shoot any short woman who tries to exploit my weakness for evil. Nobody fucks with Jack or Chuck.

5. I once had a dream that I was a drunken over-the-hill Batman who moved to Post-Apocalyptic Seattle because I was distraught over my break up with Dark Angel. And, if anybody should be able to fulfill this destiny it should be both Jessica Alba and myself.

6. This one time I spent a whole year only eating rose petals, simply because I wanted to know the taste of beauty. I do not have a clue what that has to do with anything.

7. Just imagine the box office draw a fight between myself and The Penguin would be. Two short, chubby guys fighting? Puhleez, who wouldn’t want to laugh at that shit. Plus, I would make him tap. I got some wicked heel hooks.

8. Since I am not very tall, it would be cost effective to make all of my action figures life-sized.

9. I already stay up late every night and am a solitary, brooding figure ravaged by my own -possibly perceived - genius. Throw in my past ability to wear a skintight outfit - wrestling singlet - and I would say this job was practically made for me.

10. If I were Superman I would just use my X-Ray vision for nefarious purposes, Batman is a much less risky choice.

12. My Batsignal would be a big F’ You sign shining in the sky.

13. My Robin would be Scarlett Johansson and who wouldn’t want to see that?

14. When I fight bad guys I would finish every single one of them off with a Frog Splash off the top rope - or the nearest thing I can improvise with - in honor of the late, great Eddie Guerrero.

15. Every episode of my show will end with a thumbs-up into a freeze frame followed by an ‘80’s song playing over the credits.

16. Nick Pezzillo and Dan Brown will direct every episode of my show. My first nemesis with be a serial killer who murders people with eggs and is called “Le Coq.” My second one will be The Big Bad Wolf. I will bludgeon each one into submission with a combination of Rezjitsu and Swick-Fu (look those up)

17. I will have a homeless sidekick who sits naked on my futon in every episode.

18. I am not tall enough to see over the steering wheel of the Batmobile, so watching me drive at warp speed is bound to be hilarious.

19. My hometown has a Penguin statue in it. Do you really think I fear a guy who calls himself “The Penguin?” (plus as I said before, just think about the box office!)

20. After The Joker kills my parents I will be so messed up mentally that I will go on a rampage every time I hear the song “The Joker” by The Steve Miller Band.

Bonus: I would wear the old-school tights, have Foghat do the score, and Adam West would narrate the “Bams” and Pows.”

;)

Thanks for making me laugh out loud this morning.

:applause: :applause:

:)

and most writers are weird, at least that I know of. :)

:rofl:

I even do that to myself. :)

Your scathing and quick wit will provide you with endless come-backs to unhinge your opponents during battle. You've got my vote.

always pine after the short women. :cry:

:thumbsup:

:rofl:

Excellent job, Bill.

my vote! :D

All you need to correct this are a pillow to sit on and wooden blocks on the pedals.

:P

BTW, I got the job!

oh wait, I have none. :)