Rant about kid and school (again)

She is attending summer school this year to take advantage of the enrichment courses. When I drop her off at school the kids are all nicey-nice to her face (and mine).

Turns out they ignore her the moment I leave the grounds. They refuse to sit next to her in classes (since when do first graders not have assigned seating?), they refuse to sit with her at lunch (I've never attended a school where there were enough chairs to sit alone) and the only person who will play with her at recess is her cousin.

She informed me that today one of the kids called her a bastard. She's never heard this word from me so I suspect she's not exaggerating. When probed she said she had no idea what it meant.

Why my kid? She's a smart, athletic, cute little girl who will play with anyone. I'm active in the school, the PTO, all of the carnivals and fundraisers. I'm a scout leader, a soccer and tee ball coach and we even attend a church on a regular basis.

I didn't want my kid to be the outsider looking in, as I was in school. I chose to keep her in the same town since birth, thinking that would help.

Turns out I was wrong.

So tomorrow I am going to school with her to see for myself.

What the heck!

Jr high I could understand a bit more-hormones kicking in and the cliques are in full gear. But that young?

I've spoken with one of the paras in the classroom. She has stated that my daughter is,for the most part, a sweet girl who really wants to learn and wants to make friends. She has said that the other kids shoot her down with every attempt.

I'm ready to leave this town.

those kids with the white glowing eyes. I can't understand kids that age acting that way. How could they learn that at such a young age? When my kid was in kindergarten there was a 1st grader who was mean to her, stole her pencil, etc. Finally the teacher moved her but no kid in the class liked her because she was so mean to them. She was pretty but inside she was pretty dark. She bullied other girls and her parents too. I felt very uneasy around them. Good luck and tell your daughter not to give up or in.

but she's already asking me to allow her to quit school.

For Pete's sake! Most young children love school!

If I had the time and money I'd homeschool her but I have to work.

Older sisters and older brothers... even parents.

Trust me, I see this behavior all the time at my school... But I'm in the 8'th grade.

burn that fucking school down on the way out.

I'm guessing some folks parents have very small minds. That sucks.

That's why I'm at a loss as to what to do.

I can't go in and say "Play with my kid or else."

I just don't want her to be lonely.

they should insist that the other kids include her, esp. at this age when attitudes of tolerance and openness are more natural.

They let their kids do whatever they want around here.

and brainstorm to come up with ways to change this situation. It sounds like the kids are jealous of your daughter's abilities and maybe of the fact that she has a mom who cares enough and has the time to be involved in her daughter's activities.

What's the town like politically? Is it possible these kids are picking up bullshit from their
anti-liberal parents?

I'm so sorry she's going through this. Please give her a hug from me. :hug::hug:

Whiteman AFB, home of the B2, is eight miles down the road. As you can guess, pretty conservative shit around here.

She doesn't deserve this. If she were the one doing this crap we'd have a long talk. She's not allowed to exclude anyone without a good reason.

and invite these kids both for individual and group playtime...painful though it may be. It's hard to be nasty to someone who's being nice.

are in her scout troop. I'm the assistant leader and I have events at our house all the time.

She's even having her birthday party next week and the kids have already been invited. 30 invitations went out three weeks ago and I'm worried-not one single RSVP as of this time.

Maybe Tigereye's right about the parents. It's not up to kids to respond. Wish you lived out here...My son would probably love to go to her party!

It's pirates this year. They're having a treasure hunt and they plan to walk the plank.

My almost-8 year old is very in to pirates lately. When we head for New England, we're planning a stop at a pirate-themed mini golf course...

I hope your daughter has a great time!

It was baaaaaaaaad. Start phoning for RSVPs NOW so if you have a smaller group than expected you can make other arrangements.

Sounds like jealousy to me.... a bright kid wih a mom who is actively involved. How many of their parents care enought to get involved? Not many I suspect. Jealousy.

I'd go to the teachers and the administration.

Khash.

I plan on observing a few classes, see how they are run, eating lunch and staying for recess.

I remember in the third grade during the first couple of weeks, whenever we had recess I had no one to play with.I was the nicest kid to everyone and no matter what I did everyone told me that I was weird. I remember standing beside the teacher because she was the only person that I had to talk to.I remember sitting down one day at the lunch table and when I sat down everyone got up and one girl turned to me and said " you stay over there ". I was the only girl at the all boys table. This is when I really became reclusive and started going into my own world. I am a much more open person now at the age of 25 but I have more fun by myself - yes I will stay over there because people tell me I stand out because I am unique , outgoing , eccentric , nice , intelligent , focused and I have it going on . So F--- fitting in .

I think your daughter is just like I was , she is more mature than the other kids her age and they don't get her because she is higher than them. And sadly just as there are stupid adults , there are stupid kids.

In junior high I had a teacher who was one of my few friends. She stood up for me all the time, constantly erasing nasty messages about me on desks and on lockers.

It's not the life I wanted for my own child. I wanted her to have at least one good friend.

its hard enough that you went through it and now your child is and you know how they are feeling. Just make sure that she has a hobby like music or something that will make her feel confident and not alone. Just have something in her life that she feels good about.

She's an excellent swimmer and a decent bowler.

At tee ball a parent commented about the strength behind her throws then became further impressed when they realized she's a southpaw. He said that she has pitcher written all over her when she's older, just has to learn control.

But sports is an area that I will have to stay extremely active or she will be passed over. I run my team fairly and make sure that everyone gets equal time. I've noticed that other teams do not.

thing for a kid to go through. I was one of the oddballs in grade school too - but at least there were a few others too, so we could at least play with each other. The cousin sounds like a good kid too, that is something.

I noticed it today. They met in the park when they were four. They rarely see each other but I noticed he did stand up for her at school.

to get bumnmed about that.

I went thru much of the same things. You just have to tell yourself that those kids are petty and small-minded and too dumb to "get" you.

Does the school have a bullying policy?

but you have to prove it.

and she does have a cousin there.
Are you friends with any of the other mothers?

I am surprised because we played alot of games with everyone involved in them, like "kill the carrier" - very wholesome game. Or soccer which was almost the same game because we had no rules about contact or tripping, etc. Or pom pom pullaway. I spent most of my recesses playing catch with 1 friend or playing basketball by myself. I did not have lunch issues either because I went home for most lunches until Jr. High.

And when I went to school recess was very organized. You were assigned to a group and that group rotated every day to different things. One day was kickball, another day was the four square, etc.

And it's not just being ignored. Someone is teasing her but she won't say who. They tease her because her father isn't around.

They gave us a few balls in the beginning of the year and sent us into the parking lot. No organization. When we got older we would actually torture each other (tie people up and whip them with switches. Good ol' Catholic school.

At my schools in WI and MI my recess was very organized but when I moved to MO it was similar to the situation that you stated.

The only thing that saved me from severe beatings at recess (and pissed all the little mutants off even further) was that I was very good at dodgeball. They constantly ganged up on me but I dodged and knocked them out every time.

I didn't want my daughter to have to learn how to fight and play dirty at such a young age.

I'm just asking, not accusing or saying anything.Is there any chance she's unpopular because you are so involved? I know that the children of teachers, preachers, and coaches when I was growing up never fit in, and the kids whose parents came to the school a lot and got involved were frowned upon. I think it's a form of rebellion against authority--kids can't rebel against the grown-ups, so they rebel against kis they associate with grown-ups. It's like, they think "Your mom wants me to play with you but she can't make me so I won't." The kids like this who did fit in usually did so by rebelling against their own parents in far more extreme fashion, to prove they weren't part of the authority chain.

Again, not trying to say that's what's going on, and I'm certainly not trying to blame you for anything, I'm just suggesting that this sometimes happens, in case it's something you hadn't considered fully. Kids too closely associated with parents are also too closely associated with authority. Momma's boys, teacher's pet, and all that. They have more trouble fitting. It's just something to look out for.

Good luck. I was always popular in school, but my spouse was the one everyone hated (oddly, that's part of what drew me to her). I know what she went through, and I still see it affecting her when she tries to make friends or socialize now, even though she's done quite well for herself. I think it's part of the root of the problems that have split us up, in fact. So I hope you find a solution, or that your daughter finds one on her own. If not, though, it sounds like she has a wonderful parent to make her feel loved, and that counts for quite a lot.

The parents who are very involved tend to have the more popular students. And for some reason, it's the children of teachers who tend to be the most popular.

This is a small town and there are many cliques, of which I am not a member. And I have to wonder about the comments that a few have made to her about being "white trash" and a bastard.

She cried herself to sleep last night because she'd been teased over not having a father. I know that kids do some mean things but I wonder if some of this isn't coming from a few parents.

I really hate that too.

Why can't they just let the kids be kids?

So many people have to feel superior to somebody else. In fact, most people are like that. Those who aren't are the rare exception.

And the more insecure/powerless/unhappy the person is, the greater the need to feel superior to somebody else.

she is picking up on your dislike for the other parents/families in town and somehow conveying this to the other kids?

It sounds like you have had some negative experiences with these people. Is it possible that you are inadvertently giving her messages about the other families and kids that fuel her sense that she can't or maybe even shouldn't fit in?

Are there other parents you do like? Have you talked with them about what is going on? It might be worth setting up some playdates and asking them to observe the dynamics and see if they see anything you don't.

My home has an open door policy to all the children around here. We don't talk about who Mommy does and does not like because I don't want to color her judgement.

I spoke w/ a teacher at the school today (just got back). She said that she's noticed this problem-if you aren't related to half the school then you are ignored.

I showed up at lunch today. At first, I stayed back and watched. I saw kids shoving other kids out of chairs, heard kids refer to other kids as "retard" and "gay" and heard them say the other kids are ugly and they couldn't sit there. There was no assigned seating and the kids ruled the roost all the way around, showing disrespect to the monitors. I stepped in to the lunchroom when my daughter was shoved out of a chair.

I've spoken to all of her teachers. They all said the same thing: she's a sweet girl who wants to learn and wants to help others in her classroom. Another teacher said that she heard my daughter being teased about her father not being around. She said that she spoke to everyone involved in the teasing but she thinks it might get worse.

the proper examples at home.
It sounds like the monitors in the school are only taking up space instead of doing their jobs. When I was a monitor in a local high school we wrote referrals to the principle for children whose behavior was hostile toward others. The behavior you've described wasn't tolerated in Rhinebeck.

I'm sorry your daughter is seeing the ugly side of her classmates and those in authority shirking their responsibility.

that if this is the culture in that school, then some people are not doing their jobs.

If you can get the teachers to confirm that this is an ongoing problem, you will probably have better luck in pushing the school to work on a solution. It sounds like it is time for teachers to be having some discussions with ALL the kids about how good human beings treat one another and putting into place some clear rules to enforce these values.

to address what I've witnessed. And I plan on dropping in unexpectedly throughout the year.

I bet you will be doing a lot of kids a tremendous favor by pushing this. Bullies included.

Only one monitor and he's the janitor.

I'm not happy with the situation in the least bit. Another DU'er is already worried about his child. He said that he's not too sure about the attitudes of the parents in general in this town.

It sounds like children are at risk.

If there aren't any monitors for the cafeteria (and halls) then the teachers should be sharing in the responsibility of providing a safe environment before there is a bigger problem. This is serious!

board and see what happens next.

I hope that things are better this fall.

Please try to find out the reasons. Otherwise that will stay with her her whole life. Like with you. Or me. Or others. I can't really give you advice, I think others here did that already quite well. Just give her a hug from me. Nobody deserves such unfair behavior. Especially not at this age.

:hug:

PS: Please do yourself a favor. Save your money and try to get out of there as soon as possible. I know it ain't possible at the moment, we talked about it. But please. For yourself and for your daughter.

He and his SO want us both to move to the Chicago area with them and split the bills. They've both said that they'd love to help out and would volunteer to coach and things like that for anything she does. And from both of them she'd get a strong male influence.

And remember the Egg boards? A couple of members have a huge house in Texas. They've been homeschooling their daughter for a couple of years now and want us to move down there. There is always someone home and they've sent me a copy of their schedule. The idea is parents helping each other out. We'd each take subjects that we are good at and assist our children in learning about them. We'd split the bills and the teaching. And they encourage leaving home at any time to learn. Lots of field trips, which I thoroughly agree.

The options are out there but I might have to fight in court. In both instances it's not about the money to move-both would be just loading up the car and driving. It's about the courts.

Even my mother made a comment last night about how maybe this small town wasn't the right place to raise her after all.

that your mom in a way agrees with you. I am amazed. And I am more than glad to hear that you have people who will support you if you move.

Didn't you tell me that you need money to fight in court? That was what I ment with saving the money.

That's about the only way I can really get out of here. That can run anywhere from 8-15 grand, according to a few attorneys I've spoken to. Moving w/ either of my friends will cost mostly gas. They just want me out of here for now and they all said the job will come after I've moved. My hs friend Jamie said that his SO Maurice and I should look into our own business.

Mom might agree but she won't want my daughter that far away. She'll find something wrong, even though she always like Jamie. And Alex and John she doesn't know so that's two strikes against them.

because then she can't have her fingers in her education anymore. How dare you to be indepentend and want to raise your child the way you want to. Even more a reason for you to leave. I would think Chicago is better than Texas but what do I know.

:hug: to you and C.

more likely to go along. We're originally from the Chicago/Milwaukee area (people from there know why I put them both together) and I still have family throughout the area-either in the burbs of Chicago or in the burbs of Milwaukee or along the lake.

Her comment about Jamie and Maurice was "Well, I bet Maurice can do hair. Gay men are usually good at that. She would always have nice hair."

I would have thought she would have totally rejected the idea of you and C. moving to a gay couple. But then again she knows Jamie.

Do you really have to get through court to be able to move? Or can't you talk to your ex again if he is willing to let you move. I mean he isn't really behaving like the most loving father anyway.

He informed me that if I can him again he'd hunt me down and kill me so we just don't talk.

It's not about her. It's all about controlling me. If I had moved before she was born he couldn't have done anything about it but now he knows he has power. He's a control freak.

Poor baby-she justs wants to talk to her dad. That's why I think one of the two options would be good for her. She'd have men around to talk to besides my dad. Dad does alot for her-takes her to all the father/daughter activities but she sees the girls with their dads and cries afterward.

I think mom is realizing that maybe this isn't a good place for her.

even though he still gives you trouble. Do you think he would do anything if you moved? I mean how would he notice as he doesn't know where you live right now?

At least in that topic your mom seems to come around. Good for her.

but Jamie has already said if he ever showed up he'd shoot him.

doesn't necessary mean he will find out where to.

He found where I moved to the first time because the friend ran my name and got the address off of a vehicle I had registered.

Illegal, yes, but you have to prove it. He'd find out but if he knew there were men around he might not act quite so foolish.

if you really move you should do it this summer so that she gets in a new class with begin of the school.

I know moving is hard on a child-I did it many times growing up.

If I ever move I'd want to make it as painless as possible.

and I think the excitement to go to another city might be more interesting to her than the pain of leaving the known behind. And she is so unhappy at the moment. And if she is going to school with those same kids nothing will change.

but she's never been very far from my parents so I think she would be scared.

She does have a fear that everyone will leave her someday.

that would it make easier.

He's very tall and she tends to shy away from tall men until she really knows them.

to shie away from men.

Let's see what happens.

abuse and isolation (at least initially) in sixth grade, after moving from a private to a public elementary school in our neighborhood I...don't know what to tell you. Well, except that the behavior of the other kids is disgusting, of course, and has been learned from some moms and dads who clearly have some explaining to do.

I can't be one of those idiots who says, "Let her work it out herself," because that isn't going to solve it, is just going to make the teasing worse, and will leave your child with the impression that you don't care about her, in my opinion. Also? She's in FIRST. GRADE. Which is...I can't believe that kids that little are already manifesting elitist "pick on the kid who's 'different'" attitudes. Jesus. But getting involved, well, hopefully that will at least provide you with an opportunity to find out which kids are using profanity around your daughter so you can do what you have to do to get that to stop at least.

I guess I can't give you anymore advice though. In my case, the teasing stopped after a year because...I'm not entirely sure why. It was the '90s, and the neighborhood around my elementary school was, for some reason, filled with people who felt obligated to really "get behind" the push in our area to welcome the "less fortunate," "different," and "special" into our wealthy, largely white suburb. I don't know. Many of the parents considered themselves good, liberal, Christians who supported tolerance. I think it was also sort of a Clinton thing. (Seriously.) And my city, despite its flaws, is filled, I think, with more tolerant people than elitist bigots--at least back then. Still--I have to admit, I think the teasing stopped and the popular kids welcomed me into their little circle for some not so great reasons. Like most Americans, they cared more about status than anything else, as did the parents who taught them to think that way. When I invited every girl in my class to my sixth grade birthday party and they found out that my father was a physician, that discovery made a lot of the judgments go away, despite the fact that my family still didn't have any money, any prestige, wasn't made up of "proud Christians" and didn't outfit their kids in the latest J. Crew each month. Which is...well, I was too young to care about why they suddenly liked me, not knowing what kind of elitism it represented, I was just happy that the teasing has ceased.

So, yeah, I don't know. I feel so bad for your daughter. She sounds like a total sweetie. Good luck getting it sorted out.

I plan on dropping in throughout the year-not just summer school.

Heck, I'll volunteer as a monitor on my days off if need be.

I don't know what else to do except to show her that I care.

things would get better short term and then come back with a vengeance...

Our daughter is gifted (hate that work), intelligent, beautiful (honestly), talented (singer) and they still did this too her because she is a little odd. My daughter is very advanced and has always marched to the beat of her own drummer.

You can't change the kids she is with unless you are willing to move schools.

We almost waited too late... so much so that the teasing and harassment was causing great mental anguish for her.

Don't buy the American ideal of "stick it out" or "it will make you stronger"... That is total BS! Get her into a better environment if you can.

Right now that's just not feasable.

Kids do not like to see other people's parents working at a school. Hell, if my mom showed up at school, I'd tell her to stuff herself. Then again, I'm 14. I don't know how I'd feel if I was 6.

Just an observance from my years in education, on the receiving end.

;)

but they are so understaffed right now it's frightening.

at her first school when she came here (mainly British and British Colonial kids).

This year, we moved her to a new school composed mainly of UAE nationals and Pakistanis.... She has never looked back.

Don't leave her in the situation too long. We almost did that with our oldest.

is a private school run by Christian fundamentalists. We would have to move to another town to enroll in another school.

as much as possible...

you can see where this is going. I either have to save the money to move out of the area or learn to work with the staff.