Rules For Techincal Support, Or - How not to end up with a $1,000 doorstop

1. Please remember that we want to get your computer fixed and back to you as soon as possible. We don't like having to deal with you whining and complaining that you can't get to your recipies/football scores/porn/whatever and will do everything to get the computer fixed and back into your hands if for no other reason than to shut you up.

2. Don't come up to us saying "I don't know a thing about computers other than how to turn it on." then try telling us that our first theory is wrong. You pull that stunt and we'll baffle you with a ton of techno-bullshirt until your head starts spinning and then charge you a 15% smeghead tax for having to deal with you.

3. Learn to tell time. This people is important. If we tell you that a part won't be in for 24 hours to fix your computer, then calling us at 1,3,6,9,12,18 hours later isn't going to get the part in any faster. Sorry, we deal with UPS and FedEX, not TARDIS Express.

3-a. Also, when we tell you that the re-installation of Windows takes 1 hour to install the OS, half hour to install drivers, another hour and a half to install all of the updates for Windows, AND another 2 hours recovering your 30 billion MP3's and Pictures...then that's how long it's going to take. We don't pull these numbers out of a rectally mounted calculator, we tell you these times based on the fact that we do this 5-6 days a week, 52 weeks per year and we know how long things take.
4. Don't get pissy with me when I tell you that you can't put 1GB RAM into the 286/386/486 or other outdated POS machine you have. It's not my fault you're still stuck in 1992.
5. If a tech is doing a house call, and if you haven't been told otherwise, TURN ON THE FRIGGIN' COMPUTER BEFORE THE TECH GETS THERE! Especially if you have a piece of crap trying desprately to run 98SE!

6. If you don't turn off the themes, I WILL. I don't care how cute your horse pointer is, or your shooting star. I don't care if you think a dark blue background and title bar on your windows and 15 pt white Lucinda Handwriting font text is the bomb. I will set it to default and laugh to myself as you try to get it back to how you had it.

7. If you call me to find out how to find something on our website, you SHOULD be at the computer and have the website pulled up. My first instructions to you should NOT be "You see that button on the front of the computer box thing? Press that until a light comes on."

8. If I say "click on the button that says 'archives'" and the very next thing I hear is the keyboard being used at 100 WPM, do not be offended when I hang up on you.

9. When I tell you the ends of the wires are color-coded to the back of the computer, do NOT reply "Oh...so the pink wire goes into the pink hole?" "Yes." "And the green wire goes to the green hole?" ...*CLICK*


10. Don't tell me the stick of RAM you just got game with all these burn marks. And your Mobo just happens to have a matching set. Own up to your stupidity up front, and I won't charge you extra for the diagnostic.

11. No, I won't back up your pr0n. That's just wrong. Don't ask me three times, and then call my manager to have me back it up. He won't back it up either.

12. If I tell you your data's gone, it's gone. I do not tell you that because I get my kicks by being yelled at by SCs. I don't care that you have a term paper/save email/presentation you need tomorrow. Gone is gone.

13. I WILL charge you extra if you are a chain smoker. The inside of your computer looks, feels and smells disgusting. It will take me an extra hour just to clean it so it can be serviced.
14. The most obvious! If you call for tech support, BE AT THE COMPUTER! If I hear.. "I don't know what the error message says, I'm not at my computer." THEN WHY ARE YOU CALLING?
15. If I say "Don't touch it until it's done downloading," for God's sakes, DON'T TOUCH IT!!

16. If I say "Don't touch it until it's booted in safe mode," DON'T TOUCH IT!!

17. If I say "Don't put peanut butter in the CD tray," do NOT put peanut butter in the CD tray.


18. If you say the words "cup holder" at any time during a tech call/visit, said call/visit will be immediately terminated, all of your candy & cookies will be taken away, and I may very well figure out where you live and come to your house and harm you bodily. If you say it jokingly, please know that you are not funny. If you say it seriously, please go away and never return.



Feel free to add your own.

I called Quark customer service once to find out where my 3.2 upgrade I paid for was. "We sent it out...we can send it again but we need proof of purchase, so make a photocopy of your original first install disk (in the floppy-disk era, QuarkXPress came on an inch-thick stack of the damn things), send it to this address and we'll send you your upgrade."

bump

Don't ask me to install software when the installation package comes with directions that say,
Insert CD.
When the prompt comes up click "install".
Hit okay.

User: My computer isn't working, and I don't know what's wrong with it or how it works. Can you come over and fix it for me?
Dilbert: I can, but you have to come over and clean my house and yard first.
User: That doesn't seem fair. I need help and you want to ruthlessly abuse me.
Dilbert: I'm not the one who majored in comparative medieval literature.

Very much enjoyed.

I like that most ISP tech support has the "reset the modem" instruction as part of the greeting.

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only at ThinkGeek.