Birthday cake dilemma (aka what a fool I am)

There's a guy at work who acts like a real asshole most of the time, but once in awhile he exposes a soft underbelly and we get along and have had good conversations.

Yesterday, he mentioned he was turning 60 today. He's gone through a series of women (gee, I wonder why) and his family members are dead and he seems friendless. He was put in charge this week and he's been getting on my case.

In any case, I figured, what the heck, I'll bake him a birthday cake and bring it into work today. In my delusional mind, I thought a little kindness might help take off his edge. I had it on my desk, waiting until he went on smoke break to set it up, complete with leftover birthday plates and napkins.

I had been hear no more than 10 minutes when I asked for direction, fixed the issue and sent it back to him, but he found it necessary to walk over to my desk and literally start yelling at me about why I was even bothering him in the first place and to just do my job and fix it. I said OK, I'm sorry and got up to put something away.

He started following me, yelling at me with everyone watching about how he's "sick of my excuses and playing victim." WTF! I just kept walking. Finally, a supervisor above him grabbed him and pulled him into her office. I don't know what was said and she didn't say anything to me except for don't worry about it when she pulled him away.

Of course, by this time I was left in tears. I just went back to my desk and tried to cover. Now, no one in my office is talking to me and he's walking around being all nice to everyone else. The supervisor has left, so I'm just biding my time until my shift is over.

So, question is, what should I do with his cake? And, to get to the heart of it all, how stupid was I for taking the time to make it in the first place?

I'm sure he would appreciate it, and might just kick that guy's ass as a bonus.

Or else push it into the asshole's face.

Sorry you got such shit for being nice.

That sucks.

I guess throwing it in his face is out of the question? I'm a bitch, so I would try to make him feel as bad as possible and make a huge deal about it being his birthday and all and how you went out of your way to make the cake and all...

I'm sorry in any case. What an asshole. :hug:

except he sounds like somebody who would assume you were trying to kiss his ass. HUGS. Take the cake home and share it with somebody you love. :hug: :hug:

about being an ass.

And no, you weren't stupid for trying to do something nice.

at home (before the most recent assholish behavior) - rather than bought at a bakery afterwords.

Most people would people would feel pretty bad. Think of it as the embodiement of "bittersweet" for him. Sweet that anyone would go to that trouble for him, bitter that he knows he was an ass during the day to the very person who went to that trouble for him.

Why not?

He's obviously miserable with himself and everyone else - maybe the little touch of kindness will still do him good. Just because he's an ass doesn't mean your intentions weren't good/kind/etc. Give it to him on your way out once your shift is over. "Hey, I made you a birthday cake. Enjoy it." And leave.

How he deals with it is not your problem.

Tell him you felt like it would be a nice gesture to bake him a cake and how he made you feel stupid for being nice. If there is any humanity in him he should apologize. If not -- and you get a cold shoulder, take the cake home with you and forget about the jerk.

In any case, what you did was wonderful. :donut:

give it to someone who deserves it

:hug:

That cake looked good. I'd like a piece with some port.

with *, it cracks me up

I know "what squirrel?" no one else sees it, right?

:rofl:

I *do* love him.

Admittedly, my first most evil thought was to walk over to him, cake in hand and positioned strategically in front of the garbage can. I would say, "Happy fucking birthday. I baked this just for you" and then dump it upside down in the garbage can.

I just can't see appeasing such a big bully. It was one thing that he's that way in general but another after today's direct attack. To me, it would be akin to a man beating his wife and then she turns around and cooks him dinner.

I'm trying very hard not to hold the anger as it harms me, not him, but I guess I haven't evolved enough to still give it to him.

If he is - give it to him as punishment (here, "buddy" dwell in this for a minute). If he isn't - your analogy is spot on - and you should take it home and enjoy the cake.

Hope all is well. We just celebrated our first wedding anniversary. :bounce:

I only have a tiny bit of DU time - generally for only part of the weekend. Mostly a factor of time.

The first wedding anniversary - that is fantastic. Still a kick to know that I had a teensy part to play (by getting the local peace group - to get Will to come speak locally - thereby setting the stage for you two to meet, and sparks to fly :D )

More generally, just because some person has a side (face) to their character that's better than their usual face (that you like more; that's more effective, appropriate, sociable; whatever), don't think that you can pull his face forward whenever you will -- or make it the predominant face.

People get set in their ways (including what public persona they express: ie, what their publicly-expressed (perhaps duplicitously-expressed) face of character is), and this can be very difficult to (actually) change -- even when you can control the environment (context) -- much less when personal interaction is basically your only tool.

In short, if someone's an asshole as a general MO (method of operation), but occasionally nice, then generally expect them to (predict that they will) act like an asshole -- and be ready for it -- but be open to it when they're not. But don't expect to be able to control (call-forward, whatever) nice behavior much more than you can the weather. (Unless, of course, you have power over them, in which case many people will be willing (adapt) to show you whatever you like -- if only for a time and as a total act.)

(Now, mind you, I believe that one should strive to pull forward the necessary (as required by circumstances) face of character in oneself and others -- and the better face when circumstances don't demand something different -- but one must maintain realistic expectations -- and one's defenses. Life can be cruel to the well-intentioned.)

it there.

No explanations, no expectations. Just place it on his desk.

If he's there simply say "I made this for you, and I'm sorry that you're mad at me this morning."

That would be the ultimate thing to do, and it would take serious, serious courage. I wish you the best of luck.

just curious. Hope you feel better about it all today...

Only your scorn. Eat the cake with your husband. I'm pretty sure he'll appreciate it more. :-)

You are truly one of the most decent people it's ever been my pleasure to spend time with. I know I joke about a lot of shit, but I'm deadly serious about this. The planet could use a few more of you. It's a pity you are such a rare thing.

You weren't a fool for showing kindness. He was a fool for rejecting it. Take your cake home. He is undeserving, and you've got a guy at home who is.

I love you dearly. Fuck him. Just give me a name and an address. I'll take care of it.

And I'm only half joking there.

on edit: Not to mention the fact that I've eaten your cooking. The guy is a total dipshit.

well, you did a nice thing and acted with a good heart. Sad that the guy acted like an asshole.

Hope you guys enjoyed the cake yourself.

(I would have thought a nice guilt trip might have humbled him, though.) :evilgrin:

enjoyed it with your family.