Tell me a joke

I need a good laugh

Elephant with a Rhino????

Elephino :7

Love it

Elvis Parsley.


Stay strong, big guy. Better days are ahead. :hug:

Will do

Knock knock

Whose there...

Impatient cow...


Impatient cow..



Mooooooooooooooooooooooooo

bartender says: Next time, duck!

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.
The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese." "Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever." She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?" "Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever. "My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?" The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says .







"Liver alone. Cheese mine."

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Ha ha! Get it?

Ha! Like that would ever happen in real life!
















































Oh. Wait.

Sorry.


Okay, okay, here's one...

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting Cow.
Interr ---
MOO!

but I have a funny story.

Well, kinda funny.

I was sitting watching some tv one (very dark) night, when I heard a sound like a gunshot or explosion.

I looked out back and saw that fire was pouring out of a neighbor's house.

So I phoned another neighbor to call the local firemen, then I ran to the other rental in order to use the hose there (that closest to the fire). Only I was wearing my inside-the-house sweatpants and the elastic was shot (no cord).

And I fell flat on my face (fortunately, I use Croakies).

I got up, holding my pants with one hand, and rushed to the hose bib, which I turned on while grabbing the hose.

Only the hose wasn't attached -- and a stream of ice-cold water spurts out, soaking me and making my pants heavier.

I turn off the water, attach the hose, and start pulling it towards the fire, only the slope below the spigot is not only steep, now it's wet. Plus, the hose keeps getting hung up.

And so I'm slipping and sliding, pants in one hand, hose in the other -- and every time I have to use two hands on the hose (which is spouting water, further soaking me), my pants fall down (I'm commando).

And believe me, that hose got hung up plenty (although the distance involved was small).

Anyway, I never did get the hose completely untangled, so I stood at the limit of its range, "thumbing" it (no nozzle) with one hand, and holding up my pants with the other (which were so wet and dirty, they wouldn't stay up even when I was standing still, unless I held them up).

Meanwhile, I'm cursing the fire department (which took a long time to show up -- they weren't at the station, although they were nearby) and yelling for someone to untangle the damn hose so I could get closer. (No one came, naturally -- as one would expect -- although some neighbors, including the guy renting the house with the hose, were nearby and could hear/see me.)

And, of course, 'twas a complete waste; I might as well have been peeing on that fire. (The house was "totaled".)

But one good thing came of it. A person living in the (burning) house came back when I was "fighting" the fire, and I had to restrain him from rushing-in trying to "save his stuff" (the house was completely engulfed -- and his room was at the back).

Morals:
* Wear pants that don't fall down.
* Wear underwear in case your pants do fall down.
* Never drink and play fireman.
* Eyeglass restraints are useful.

Hope this gives you a chuckle...

The bartender asks: "What is this? A joke?"

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

...O...

Nice to see you back again. Hope things are getting better for you.


Hope this gives you a chuckle.

Chirpies!



It's a "canarial" disease....



and it's "untweetable"!





With that in mind can you figure out what one gets from makin "whoopie" with a sick alligator?

What's the difference between an epileptic oyster-shucker and a prostitute with diarrhea?



One shucks between fits.....


:blush:

What's the difference between a magician and a chorus line of dancing girls?

The magician has a cunning array of stunts...

That is one which will be added to my list of blue jokes, thanks. I heard the "epileptic oyster shucker" one from an elderly bar-maid who loved telling stories which would make a sailor blush. I suspect she passed away years ago, so I hope I do her a bit of honor by repeating one of her favorite jokes. With a name like AliberalSailor you too would have called her "ma" like everyone else did. (Many a Coast-Guarder knew her...no not in THAT way...well maybe when she was younger...she did have SOME STORIES)...

Generally I prefer tellin the jokes which are kid safe...they are usually a hit with the young ladies who work at the those latte kiosks which seem to have sprung up EVERYWHERE these days. Try that "Chirpies" one I told in the earlier post above...It is almost magical on those young ladies.
I love makin' people smile when I can.
c

He worked it out with a pencil.

...and around midnight, Holmes nudges Watson awake.
"Watson, look up. What can you deduce from what you see?"
Watson looks at the sky and says, "Well, Holmes, from the position of Orion and the fact that Venus just has risen I would say the time is well past midnight, but still at least an hour from dawn."
Holmes says, "Amazing! Do you know what I deduce?"
"No, Holmes, what?"
"That somebody stole our tent, you fool!"

Send down four skin divers ( Foreskin divers....get it )? :D

A priest goes outside of the church, and finds the town drunk passed out on the lawn.

The priest sighs, rouses the drunk and brings him into his office.

After a few cups of coffee, the drunk seems alert enough to listen to the priest give him a lecture on the evils of drinking.

The priest realizes he's not getting through to the drunk. He reaches into a desk drawer, pulls out a bottle of scotch, a glass, and a can of worms.

"Watch this". The priest says. He pours half a glass of scotch and drops in a couple of worms.

The drunk watches the worms wiggle for a few moments, then the worms die and sink to the bottom of the glass.

"See", the priest says, "See what happens when you drink? Now do you understand?"

The drunk nods, "Yeah, Father, I get it. If I keep drinking I won't get worms."

One day Ms. Harris looked at her class and asked her class, "Class, can you use the word harassment in a sentence?". The class was stomped. All of a sudden, little Juanito raises his hand. Nervously, Ms. Harris said, "Okay Juanito, go ahead.". Juanito says, "One day, my girl caught me in bed with her sister (pronounced seester) and broke up with me. But it don't matter because HARASSMENT nuthin to me!"



Thank you, thank you...I'll be here all week. Try the veal.

Too many great jokes here...a few groaners but by and large I liked them all.
Here is a blonde joke:
The blonde is first at the scene of a fire and thinking quickly she gets on her cell phone and dials 9-11.
"9-11 what can we do for you?"
Blonde; "There is a big fire here send help fast!"
9-11 operator; "Yes ma'am right away, can you tell us how to get there?"
Blonde: "Cha...Big...Red...Truck, Sirens, Ladders???, and you guys call ME blonde!"

you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

mikey_the_rat

So brunettes would have something to do on Saturday nights.

Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls?

A: Walk him and pitch to the rhino.

What's yellow and dangerous?

Shark infested custard.

Little Nostradamus: "Mom, what's for dinner tonight?"
His mother: "Yeah right, you little shit, like you don't know already."

On a recent visit to the UK, Bush accepted an invitation to dine with the family of a certain wealthy dignitary who shall remain nameless. The dinner was exquisite, and Bush was granted the seat of honor at the head of the table. The dignitary was seated opposite, while his son and daughter sat at one side of the table. The wife of the dignitary was not present however.

"Please forgive my wife's absence," said the dignitary. "She felt ill and had to rest. Her physician says that she has acute angina."

"I understand," Bush said with great sincerely. "And she's got nice boobs, too."

===================

A few weeks back, Bush and Rumsfeld were visiting wealthy Texas rancher Emmett Aubrey, and the three went for an early morning horseback ride. Bush, afraid of horses, rode in the saddle behind Rumsfeld.

A chill wind blew from the plains, and every so often Emmett would reach back under his horse's tail, procure a smearing of manure, and wipe it all over his lips.

"Good golly," Rumsfeld exclaimed at last. "What are you doing?"

"My lips get chapped in this wind," Aubrey said nonchalantly.

"And does that help?" asked the Defense Secretary.

"Keeps me from licking them," said the rancher.

"That's funny," said the Prez. "For some reason it makes mine worse."

===================

Bush and Rumsfeld are at a quiet bar and discussing policy over drinks. Bush, famously a teetotaler, is on his third Shirley Temple, while the Secretary has just ordered his fourth double scotch.

Suddenly an old drunk at the opposite end of the bar totters to his feet and shouts at the President. "You're mother's a dirty tramp!" he exclaims.

Rumsfeld is clearly offended, but Bush says nothing.

"If I had a nickel for every time I've screwed your mother," says the man. "I'd be rich!"

Still, Bush says nothing, but the man wasn't finished.

"She loves it rough," he went on, "and she loves it filthy. The rougher and filther, the better!"

Finally, the Secretary can take no more. "Golly, Mr. President, how can you let him talk about your mother that way?"

Bush nods and, reluctantly, addresses the man. "Go home, dad. You're drunk."
* * * *
Rumsfeld is taken aback. "Mr. President, that's not your father."

"Oh, no?" snaps the President. "Then how does he know all that stuff about Mom?"

....walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bartender here?"

(bar tender/bartender....Get it?)

:rofl:

25, because the angel said "no L".

Hides the air valve.