Here's an interesting family dilemma for your opinions....

(You may need a flow chart for the relationships, though!)

At the beginning of December we moved my mother into a condominium. She hired/paid the "baby daddy" of my eldest (step) niece (whose father is no longer married to my sister) to perform the actual moving. He was INCREDIBLY SLOW, but nothing got broken, and my mother paid the fee with no problem.

In the meantime, since the "movers" were only there to do the furniture, the rest of the family showed up to move boxes, etc. One of my FOURTEEN YEAR OLD NIECES asked to ride in the truck on one of the trips with "baby daddy" and really seems to think a lot of the man. (The "step-" niece was her step-sister during the six year marriage, and the relationship between this particular "ex-step-daughter" and my sister is a very friendly one, with my sister and her daughter doing a lot of babysitting for their year old son.)

The FOURTEEN YEAR OLD recently confessed that "baby daddy" told her he would be smoking MARIJUANA during the drive, and if she didn't have a problem with that, she was welcome to ride with him. She rode with him, he smoked the joint in the cab of the truck with her in the vehicle, and she just told her mother about the incident the other day.

The "baby daddy" is in his late twenties. My sister has informed her "ex-step-daughter" that he is no longer welcome in her home because a) he was doing drugs; b) while driving; and c) with her FOURTEEN YEAR OLD in the vehicle. (There were a few other comments, too, by the way, including "what the HELL was he thinking?" and "what part of young and impressionable does he NOT understand?" but I'm sure you get the idea.)

I support my sister's decision, and want to strangle the idiot, but am not sure what my role as "the aunt" should be in this situation. Do I say something to my eldest niece, or play like I don't know what a JERK she's hooked up with?

Also, I want to strangle the shit out of him for being someone my FOURTEEN YEAR OLD NIECE respects, who behaved so completely inappropriately in front of her. While I always got the impression that "Loser" was tattooed to his forehead in highly visible ink for anyone with eyes to see, its obvious "baby daddy" is going to be around for a while. (Thank heavens they aren't married -- yet!)

Opinions?

get involved until you are asked to. Hold your words for now. If the subject comes up and you feel the mother needs a little backup, then make a comment.

I don't want him in my house anymore, though, and I think I will let the "bio-mom" of the younger sibs know about this guy. (They are Fifteen and Sixteen.) Odds are good if its happening in front of the Fourteen year old, this guy is lighting up in front of the other kids, too.

Perhaps when things calm down a little, I'll talk with my niece about her first encounter with "peer pressure" from an adult, and how she can better stick to her own values on the topic, with an emphasis on the difference between "tolerance for other people's choices" and "show me respect by not bringing it around me."

:banghead:

It wasn't really appropriate, but it also wasn't THAT bad. I would take the chance to discuss with the girl the risks of driving with someone who might be somewhat impaired. She could gain from the experience in terms of her OWN resposibility to keep herself safe.

Driving under the influence is never ok.

because he was doing it IN A VEHICLE with SOMEONE ELSE'S MINOR CHILD.

What he does in the privacy of his own home is his business, but when he does it with MY FOURTEEN YEAR OLD NIECE IN THE CAR, it is A PROBLEM.

What kind of IDIOT does something like this in front of SOMEONE ELSE'S CHILD???

:banghead:

It's not the MJ-- it's the situation.

Frankly, I would be upset if he was just doing it in front of her in his living room, but the driving made it worse. I don't think he had any right as a responsible adult to be exposing someone else's minor child to MJ.

He clearly isn't respectful of your rules-- my mom lets me bake and smoke pot when I visit her because I've explicitly asked her if she minds me doing so. Clearly, this person is not respectful and lacks common sense.

her mother nor I want the FOURTEEN YEAR OLD to be a) doing illegal drugs, or b) in a car with a guy who is impaired and telling her that they are okay.

Drugs are *NOT* okay for minors in our family. Period. And *adults* bringing them around the minors is just plain ... disgusting!

If you are okay with other people providing illegal drugs to your children without your knowledge or consent, then this is probably not the thread for you. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but we aren't talking about "consenting, informed adults" -- we're talking UNDERAGE MINOR.

...and his grades were fine, I wouldn't care at all. Being 18 doesn't magically make you responsible, fwiw. I've been smoking a loooong time, and it's been nothing but good for me.

drop out of high school, get pregnant as teenagers, and/or move on to "harder" drugs. As a result, every single one them has a lower standard of living (read: makes less money) than the ones who didn't spend the same period of their life "altered." (This is not to say that the rest didn't experiment with drugs when they were in college; it simply appears that they were emotionally able to handle it in a healthier way than the ones who were doing it as minors.)

The sister who's daughter was "exposed" was one of the "high school drop outs/pregnant teenagers" with the added bonus of a couple of abusive ex's, including the hubby who tried to kill her (!) while strung out on a variety of different illegal substances (including MJ in that mix, by the way). Drugs are a hot botton issue for our family.

Your experiences may vary; it is not acceptable in our family for minors to be doing it. Everyone's rules are different.

That's why we gave 'em. Many problems are worsened by substances, but I would argue that rarely are they a causative thing; alcoholism runs rampant in my family and has pretty much destroyed it. But I still drink, responsibly. And I'm still a productive member of society.

But driving under the influence is a no no, no matter what you're on.

It's college and they're my friends. I also make sure they take the college bus or taxi home.

You'll lose. But if you are in college, you probably aren't old enough to understand the concept of "long term consequences" when it comes to stuff like this. Besides, it won't happen to you, right?

:eyes:

Well, hopefully you won't learn things the hard way. Funerals suck, and a lifetime of guilt for "a good time" as a college student is one of the saddest things to live through.

Precisely because I provide a safe enviroment for people who wish to drink responsibly.

21 is a completely arbitrary age and more binge drinking has happened with that completely random number.

Party hard, party safe.

You can't prevent a teen's exposure to this sort of thing forever - SHE needs to have the skills to make the appropriate choices.

I am not ok with people "providing" drugs to my kids, but I have done what I can to give my kids the skill, knowledge and abilities to make intelligent choices.

Sure you may be able to block this guy out of her view for a time (although as I recall that would only make him more enticing to a teen looking to try a little rebellion) but you are NOT going to be able to keep her in a bubble forever. There will be others. Peers, classmates, future boyfriends/girlfriends. SHE needs to be the one making the right choices. Give her the skills and guidance. She came forward with the info - she is looking for that guidance.

She will also be getting some advice from "Aunt Ida" later on "subtly" (I think) when the topic isn't such a hot one.

My question is really about dealing with Loser-Boy, although I think I am getting closer to the idea of how I want to handle it.

If she wants you to be involved, then you should think about what to do.

Her daughter *begged* her not to tell that she "told" and she (my sister) isn't sure how she wants it handled PUBLICLY yet.

"teaching moment" in that her mind & body is still growing & exposure to these substances is not a healthy choice & more importantly, she should NEVER accept a ride from someone who is buzzed on anything, but my opinion is it should not be an indictment of his personality or his unsuitability because that may make her feel she did something wrong by coming forward - keep it cool without condoning.