Hope, anyone? Please?

Okay, everything seems to be breaking down for me. My car's broken, my computer can't connect to the household LAN, so I've been using my roomie's computer, I haven't been able to collect my SSI because of bureaucratic hoops I have to jump through, and I have job applications in at about ten places and none have contacted me. I have been out of Paxil for a week and I have a total of four dollars to my name, so I can't buy more until I can beg enough money from my ex-husband to pay for it.

I developed a Really Stupid Crush on someone who isn't in the least attracted to me, I've been having to rely on other people to buy food so I can eat, and last night C-C took me "out on the town" and even though I dressed up and looked my best, nobody even looked at me. My teeth are falling apart, I still have to make an appointment with the ENT to have a new sore on my tongue looked at, and I found out that the lease here runs out in June and my roomies will probably want me out then. My credit sucks (probably why I can't get a job) and I have no idea how I'll ever get accepted to rent a place on my own.

Because of everything going so downhill in my life, I'm for sure not going to be able to attend classes Fall Quarter. I need to get my loans out of default first, for which I need a consolidation--for which I need a source of income.

I'm starting to think every single decision I've made in the past few years has been wrong. Especially the decision to move in here; there's no way my roomies *aren't* beginning to resent me. I try to do things for them, but I'm not "family" to them the way they are to each other.

So...what do you guys think about hope? Is it "the thing with feathers" that gets us through hard times; or conversely, is it the thing that "lies to mortals, and most believe her"? Is there any reason at all to think the future will be any brighter than the present?

Tucker

for some rats, and some buggery, and maybe even some rat buggery.

Unemployment sucks. Try not to get used to it is really the best you can do in a * economy. I've been out 13 months today (well, yesterday... sigh).

I know its tough, been there, done that, somehow life is a bitch then you die,k but on between, there are some good points and good spots.

Make the best of it, rough times / good times. there is a cycle... I think.

Come, we go get drunk.

go get a job that pays $7-8 an hour. Entry level...crap work. At least you will be doing SOMETHING...to keep your mind off all the crap you can't control. You can toss packages over your shoulder for $8.50 an hour at UPS and collect a check every two weeks. It won't be heaven..but at least you wont' need to leech off others for your food, etc

PLUS..you may get lucky, and find a place that partially reimburses you for your school...UPS did this to me. It was hot, hard work..$8.50 an hour, but I got health insurance for $50 a month and 100% tuition reimbursement at community college...It will get you by until something better comes along.

Good luck

Not UPS, but entry-level work. Grocery store cashier, waitress, "sales associate"...that's all I'm qualified for at the moment.

But between a crappy credit rating, the fact that I have been out of the workforce since 1994, and the fact that the job has to be within walking distance or on a bus line, not to mention the fact that there are more people looking for work than there are jobs, nobody seems to want to hire me.

Tucker

and then things have to turn around. Do you have any family you could rely on to help you through these tight times? I had to bite down once and ask for help from family when my world apart. It can be tough but it's not forever.

Second, you are the only one who can take your spirit away. This too shall pass, things are just a little haywire right now. Are you sure your roomates are irked at you, or are you irked at you? I get guilty feelings sometimes and try to subvert them onto others. Maybe they'd be willing to help out if they knew all that was up.

And there's lots of us right here who care. Last bit of advice...Don't let your teeth get too out of hand, I did and what a mess. Check out local dental schools, someone here at DU gave me that idea when I had a problem.

Best of luck to you!!! Laura

I pretty much lived off of them for the last year, and it isn't like any of them have much money either. Last time they passed the hat for me they didn't come up with enough even to repair my car...

Tucker

What you described, well, it sucks.

"Hoping" it will change is basically a linguistic lottery.

OTH "Perseverance" is something that even "Hope" can't let down.

My advice (Other than seeking out every Public service in your area!) is the "Myth of Sissiphus" by Albert Camus.

That's all I've got.

Whatever you do, keep your contacts. I've had times where I've had to put off car repairs and have taken the bus or walked for a while.

Just keep your contacts with folks who know and can possibly help ya -

I have told to that several people this week, including myself.

In addition to hope, there is help. What do you need?

Fine. :-)

It won't pay much until you get a degree but work your way up. If you're at DU you have the compassion for it so you just need the education.

This pays BIG BUCKS once you're in. You sound young with youir future all ahead of you so pick a profession that is hot and will be needed in any city.

...to get back into school, I have a brilliant future in forensic psychology planned out.

The problem is getting from here to the point where I can start taking classes again...

Tucker

That is something I was told once by a Tibetan Buddhist Monk. And though I see a grain of truth in that statement--I find myself returning to hope as the only thing to keep me going. I understand the idea behind the statement is that by being completely in the moment, without illusion of any sort, the innate sanity within me will be awakened.

And yet as a person who has been hopitalized many times due to bi-polar disorder, I fear that I may use that lack of hope only to increase my depression. I had much more hope when my manic episodes where accompanied by euphoria. That lasted for years, then slowly the euphoria departed and the manic episodes became nightmarish and dysphoric.

Anyway, I have been reading your posts and relate to your struggle. I am not sure of your religious belief, so I hope you are not offended that I will pray for you tonight.

As a Camus-like Existentialist I actually understand your choices. Believe it or not I realize the Perseverance that should batter the "Now" into oblivion will OFTEN be overerided by circumstances.

While I don't "believe" in the efficacy of prayer I have a total acceptance of your actions.

I think we both feel the same way about our friend's situation, we want desperatly to help, so just commenting on it may do some good:-)

I actually copied down: "Perseverance" is something that even "Hope" can't let down. And though I too, don't believe in God, I do pray everyday--I told you I was crazy.

two years ago and again, now. MrsGrumpy is right, if you can, don't be afraid to ask your family for help, thats why we have them. And the love will do you some good. People who don't even look at you are usually too wrapped up in themselves anyways, not even worth bothering about.
Try to keep smiling, especially on the inside. I've had depression for years, and am a suicide survivor. I've worked really hard to stay out of that pit without any drugs, real tough. It usually flares up when I start worrying about what others think of me. My present joblessness isn't helping either.
Come on girl, you can do it! it's true, one day at a time, keep fighting, you're not a loser!! (I HATE that word)

((((((!!))))))


I will rub my rabbit's foot for you.

attracted to you? I've got a crush on a girl who works at the corner store. She's thin and attractive in that girl-next-door kind of way. Real down home natural kind of gal. Not married either. I'm fat and probably about ten years older than her. No chance. I got it so bad for her that I can't even get up enough nerve to have a friendly conversation with her. But I don't feel bad about it. As a matter of fact, I think it's cool that I can still feel that way about somebody. I've been through some rough times and I thought I was too jaded for that sort of thing.

As for the more serious stuff, I don't really know what to tell you but to really get aggressive about the job. I'd say college, too, but it sounds like you have to have the job first. Keep making phone calls to all the jobs you've applied for. Really try to sell yourself and let them know how much you'd like to work for them. Once you get the job make plans to return to school ASAP. I dropped out of college eight years ago and became a truck driver. I'll be returning to school to finish my degree this fall. I can't tell you how good that feels.

Oh, btw, see if you can get your roomies to bear with you for a little while. Let them know you are going through some hard times and you are doing your best to get through.

I've had some bouts with serious depression and impovrishment. One thing I've learned is the importance of the role brain chemistry plays. I've come very close to having problems with booze and weed, and managed to avoid both.

Things got better for me, and it was a miraculous feeling. And the upswings seemed so unexpected; that tends to be the way these cycles go.

The only point I'd make has to do with Paxil. I've never used that kind of psychotropic drug myself but I've heard some scary stories about what happens to people who suddenly stop. Apparently there are withdrawl symptoms that can be very scary. I stress that I'm not a doctor or any kind of expert at all. This is just hearsay. But it's important to remind yourself that the dire assessment of your circumstances is DIRECTLY made to seem worse by brain chemistry problems. So, remember that things ARE NOT as bad as they seem; the hopelessness is "enhanced" (if that's the right word) by the drug effects.

Also I would point out that Democratic Underground, while being a wonderful community and a group of swell people in general, can be an addictive substance all its own, and, with the current world situation being what it is, can be depressing as hell. Obviously we all love DU, but stressing every hour about Bush, Ashcroft, etc. is going to make things seem a whole lot worse. I've found, over the past few years, that I can occasionally have fun with republican friends/family members precisely because they don't see the current situation for what it is.

That last part may or may not be good advice. Of course DU is the best thing ever. I'm just saying, as someone whose been close to suicidal, that you should remember to think about brain chemistry and how it's affecting your mood.

I'm confident things will start going your way. You sound like a fighter and a survivor. I'm sure in a little while you'll be posting about how well things have started to go.

Peace

maybe i can fix your car. What's wrong with it? If you posted on another thread with the problem, i just missed it.
I've been in your boat before, (actually, i think i'm there now) and i'll either talk/walk you through the repair or get there to make it happen. Just don't need a new transmission or somethin..okay?
you can pm me the symptoms and i'll see what i can put together. Make/model/year etc would help.

all is not lost kid. Sometimes it just looks like it.

dp

get better. don't get too down. I am reminded of that
wacky line in Clueless, 'caught in a shame spiral'. <G>
Just tie a knot and hang on to your rope. You will be
all right. Take control and don't look back. You have
friends here who understand.

Love to you,

RV

. . . I could always count on my shrink for some sample boxes when I ran out. A week is too long, and detoxification definitely has symptoms. Right now, you can get back on it or get off entirely, your choice, but I am pretty sure your doctor doesn't want you to quit.

It was never a question of money actually, the part of the State health care system that provided prescription drugs was so messed up that many people could not get their meds.

You sound like I did when I quit, but that is another story.

1) Detail, please, the problem you're having connecting your computer to your LAN. When you open a command prompt (click start menu, select "run", type cmd into the field provided and hit enter), and run ipconfig from the command line, what gets displayed? Is the output similar or different than what you see when you do the same thing on other computers on the LAN?

DU has many knowledgeable engineers on-hand - let's solve an easy one first.

2)Where are you, physically, geographically? City and state, please. There exist assistance avenues for people with mental illness, especially those receiving SSI, or supposed to.

Here I would recommend that obtaining your prescription for Paxil, as soon as possible, using whatever means necessary, be your top priority. If you should be receiving SSI, you should be able to get some emergency assistance in a medicaid type form. Again, if you can provide a city/state, that might help others here help you.

Following that, I would recommend jumping through as many of the bureaucratic hoops as necessary to receive your SSI or any other assistance you may be able to obtain. Spend entire days at your local Social Security office, ending each conversation with, "so what do I do now, right now, this minute?" - Then moving on to the next task. JUST GET THE CHECK, NOW. There exists a process. Find it, follow it, make it across the finish line. You can do this, and you are very likely to find some humane bureaucrat who can help you get it done.

Finally, with regard to your living situation and employment prospects, these might also have a substantial bearing on your geographical location. I would expect one to have a MUCH more difficult time making ends meet living in San Francisco than doing so in, say, Biloxi. It may be a harsh sentence or a tough move, but it is at least a chance, and if you can get by in a decent apartment, close to a decent school, on SSI income and student loans alone, then so be it, and so well be it.


3) It's hard, at your apparent age, to ignore the screaming demands of your flesh, however, the very best advice I can give would be that the ONLY productive time to seek a committed relationship with anyone else, is when you personally are reasonably confident that you have your own life in order. And, of course, the only way to successfully obtain one is to NOT look for it, and NOT care whether you succeed in finding it.

4) Regarding your credit and job hunt: Again, get the SSI ironed out. Everything else flows from there. Then, get a copy of your credit report from one of the "free credit report" places online - all credit bureaus report more or less the same thing. Any old collection items, just contact that creditor yourself, in writing, and see if they'll delete the item from your credit report if you pay them, or convert it to a current account if you get on a payment plan. Negotiate whatever settlement you can - I have a number of automatic drafts withdrawn every month, just slowly paying things down. DO NOT do "consumer credit counseling" - this HURTS your rating WAY more than just negotiating payment plans yourself. Anyway, this will not be fun or easy, nor quick, but it will work.

How this affects renting a place - again, this all depends on where you are, geographically, what the housing market's like, and finally, where you're willing to live in that housing market. Somewhere, there's something you can get, regardless of your credit rating.

How it affects a job hunt - for the jobs you're seeking, VERY little. Companies aren't going to pull credit reports for every entry level applicant. Someone in my line of work, sure. A cashier or stockperson? Not likely.

HOWEVER, this DOES NOT MEAN that your credit rating is not EXTREMELY IMPORTANT, and from experience I sincerely recommend that you clean up as much as you can, as quickly as you can. Eventually end up with one credit card, low apr, and never charge more than half of your credit limit to it. Pay the monthly like it was your religion to do so. You will thank yourself, someday.

Regarding your student loans in default - If I recall correctly, you should be able to immediately take them out of default immediately upon registering for full-time courseload, and immediately resume taking out guaranteed student loans, at will. Regardless, again, I'd recommend getting the SSI in order before you even think about this situation.

Finally, with regard to your philosophical question, on Hope.

A couple of weeks ago, we went to the city animal shelter. Cage after cage of dogs nobody wanted anymore. Precious little dogs. Heartbreaking. In the back of one cold, concrete cage, a little three-year-old collie, a girl, moping in the area behind their little sliding door. Sad, ignoring the old and worn toys some city employee had heartlessly tossed in with her, after someone had found her on the street. My wife clicks to her, gets her to come over. Sad little dog, shy. My wife talks to her. The little dog begins to wag its tail. Then smile. Then happy pant, paw the cage. Then bark, then bark bark. So we let it out to see us, and she likes us. Cuddles up and wags.

Turned out she has a bladder control problem. Incontinence. Nobody wants her, even though it's controlled by medicine. Too much trouble. Too many other dogs. That Thursday would be her last day on earth.

Tonight she sleeps on the floor next to my bed while I write this. She loves us. We're like her gods.

So yes, I believe in Hope. But hope without action is impotent.

May God bless and keep you.

Just keep thinking about good things! I know its hard, just keep trying!

You have already been given some pretty good advice. I guess that the only thing that I can add is to not assume that your roomies or anyone else resents or dislikes you. For me personally, this has made a big difference in how I get along with people. I have theories on why this is but I am too tired to go into them right now. There is hope and as soon as things start going even a little better in any area of your life, focus on that positive and know that you are better off now than not too long ago.

...because I felt the same way you do twenty years ago. I was new to this area (yes, Seattle as well), didn't know anyone, couldn't find any kind of work (thanks to the Reagan Recession), and then my wife took off (taking our daughter with her), and moved back east to live with her high-school boyfriend.

The only reason I think I didn't kill myself was that it seemed to take too much effort for how I was feeling.

But things did get better. A little at first, then a lot. Now, while I must admit I have the same ups and downs as everyone, I feel content with my life. And I know that, should I find myself in another "train wreck" in the future, I'll know I survived and did O.K. in the past, and can feel sure I will again.

Just remember, Tucker, that there are a lot of us here who love you.

I apologize for the unsolicited advice, but I feel like I'm talking to myself as a 21 year old, a long time ago.

For someone in your present state, and with your apparent condition requiring paxil, it is critically important that you eat as well and as healthily as possible.

Until you get your SSI, this may mean taking a bus to a soup kitchen - that's fine, I had to do so myself earlier in my life, and you'll meet a lot of other democrats who've been screwed out of their employment under the Bush economy. If you feel at all guilty or unhappy about this, just resolve yourself to volunteering at such a facility when you're in a better place in life. I've done this myself as well, and it's profoundly rewarding.

WHEN you get your SSI, I implore you to buy a little guidebook on nutrition. You don't have to eat cucumbers with cottage cheese and call them "nachos," just learn what equals what, in terms of "This is a starch. I need x many servings of starch a day. This is a good fat, I need this for energy through the day. This is a saturated fat - it'll make me feel tired and groggy. This is high in sugar - it'll give me a rush and then knock me out later today." You don't have to radically alter your lifestyle, but knowing what's what will make a profound difference in the way you feel day-by-day, which will make a huge impact on how you perceive and interact with the world around you.

I point this out because, it's been my experience that most people don't figure this out until about their thirties, unless they make an effort to learn it. I think it's because it takes a lot of living to build up enough life experience to understand, "oh, if I eat this today, I'll feel like this later." Because, you see, how does one know that the way one feels isn't just the way one feels?

I'm not the world's healthiest eater. Breakfast for me is a large cup of coffee with cream and sugar - I have to start work early and hit the ground running. Lunch is like a tuna sandwich or a salad, so I don't crash at 4 p.m.. Dinner, me and my wife try to cook ourselves, just for money reasons, but if we don't feel like it, I get something to go from Luby's (a cafeteria company here in the South). But I insist that we eat at least ONE full meal a day, with vegetables, starches, meat (some kind of protein and fat if you're a vegetarian), etc. Otherwise we'll be complete wrecks after a couple of days.

So I would definitely recommend one "square" meal at least, per day, and also that you find a nearby cafeteria - for $6.00 in most cities, you can have a very good meal.

I would also take the opportunity to ask the rest of the DU community: What would be your recommendations on what to buy, have on hand and make, on a very small amount of money? Something that would cost as little as a box of macaroni and cheese, but actually be healthy?

I would recommend this book:

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0883965917/103-4515794-3416665?v=glance&s=books

And this one:

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/1580171265/ref=pd_bxgy_text_1/103-4515794-3416665?v=glance&s=books&st=*

Both are good.

An added bonus of knowing this stuff: If you can cook, and do a good job of it, and do it without being asked, trust me - your roommates will appreciate it, and you'll have one less thing to be down on yourself about. If you devote some of your SSI moneys to keeping the pantry stocked, then so much the better. It's VERY difficult to be resentful of someone who made the delicious casserole you found in the fridge, when you were just looking for the can of spray cheese.

I know you've no reason to trust me on this, but please do: My wife has clinical depression, sounds like much more serious case than you have (she's been on every pill in the book), and keeping her flesh properly fueled, and keeping her exercised, makes all the difference in the world.

I hope that's helpful,

I'm so sorry. (sigh)...sometimes, things end up this way. I've seen it happen, trust me. I know about stupid crushes...PM me sometime and i'll tell you the whole story of one. I bet someone looked at you, and thought you were pretty, if you dressed up and looked your best. Just because you saw no one look at you, doesn't mean someone didn't.

About your credit, try calling a non-profit credit agency. Only consider bankruptcy as a last option. I know this because I've known people that have gone through it.

Try your hardest to get through school. I think the best way to get yourself on your feet is to get a good job, and that is usually best attained through a school degree. If you can't do it, then don't. But, try...

One last thing...hope is a bane and a blessing. Hope has gotten me through to the best and the worst times of my life. I may not be typing this, I may not even be in existence right now if it wasn't for hope. That, and if it wasn't for hope, I would have actually had a happy and fun summer vacation.

Oh, I'm downloading that Yahoo thing...chat later?