My daughter's friends keep getting pregnant.

My daughter just turned 14, and she's starting high school in the fall, and two of her friends have recently gotten pregnant. One is fourteen, one just turned sixteen. The older friend is her cousin, my niece, and she lives in another state. The younger friend is one of her best friends, but has only been so for about a year.

I like the fourteen year old friend. She's a bit wild, but no more than most kids, and less than many. She doesn't seem to be into drugs or drinking, she's an average but not bad student. She does stuff to get attention, like dying her hair various colors. She doesn't seem bad, to me. But I feel like this kid is neglected. Absent father, and a mother who seems too uninvolved to me, though I've never met her. Considering how many times I've picked this kid up and dropped her off at her apartment, the fact that I've never met her mother seems significant. My spouse, from whom I am separated, has met her, but they don't like each other. This is not unusual with my spouse.

Anyway, I just learned yesterday from my daughter that this friend is pregnant. Her boyfriend proposed to her, and according to my daughter, they are planning to get married, and she is happy that she's pregnant. My daughter says both are against abortion--which is odd, since neither is religious, and the girl's mother is a pagan. I have no idea how the mother is reacting, and whether she will allow them to marry. I'm hoping she convinces the friend to have an abortion, frankly.

The friend has told my daughter that she is going to name her as the godmother.

I don't really know how to react concerning my daughter. I don't want to forbid her to see this friend, but I don't want my kid getting sucked more into her life. I don't want this friend to be cut off from all means of emotional support. But I don't want my kid to start thinking of this as normal behavior with boyfriends, or that having kids at a young age is acceptable.

My kid is wiser than the average kid her age, but she's lazier than most, and she's started hanging out with a lot of slacker friends. She still has some high-achievement type friends, as well. She hasn't started dating anyone yet--though it won't be long, I'm sure. I've given her THE SPEECH, and so has her mother, and I've reinforced it more than once, and I do have a lot more awareness of where she is at all times than this friend's mother does for her kid. Mine isn't allowed to hang out without adult supervision, and I know most of her friends' parents--and I don't let her visit friends unless I know the parents at least a little. But let's face it, there's only so much longer I'll be able to have that type of control over her.

Dunno what to do. I know there's no one easy answer, or not one I find acceptable. So I'm looking for advice. Or at least thoughts on the subject.

It would keep her from getting pregnant. Married at 14 is a recipe for disaster.

If they are not religious, what would a God parent do anyway? Isn't the purpose of God parents to raise your child in the faith should something happen to the regular parents?

Good luck.

My family is quite screwed up, once past our little nucleus. I don't think she has any romance about having kids as a kid.

The godparent thing is rather meaningless, I think, but it worries me that this friend might try to use it to create a sense of duty in my daughter.

it is definitely not your daughters job to be an enabler for this type of behavior.

Couldn't explain it, but you are exactly right. I don't want her to be used as a babysitter, and I don't want her friendship to enable this friend. I also don't want the reverse to happen--I don't want my daughter to get so comfortable with this that she no longer sees how bad a situation it is.

But that's just me.

It's really, really sad for a kid that young to miss out on their youth because they have their own child, and equally sad for a child born to parents who are ill-equipped to raise said baby.

Birth control, birth control, birth control, and open, non-judgmental communication if at all possible.

I'm dreading those issues as my kids get older...

emphasize that she should not have to use it.

Quite frankly, you need to be doing this NOW. Does she hang out with friends in a casual setting? Because any time she is out of your sight right now could be fertile territory for her to be doing things she shouldn't.

Seriously joby. Girls now are SO much more mature than we were. At least equip her with what she needs not to end up in that situation. Not only easy access as Lara mentioned, but instruct her how to use it and make sure she does. One missed pill is all it takes. And make sure she knows how to use a condom.

Discomfort about this stuff sucks, yes. And it's even worse that you need to be thinking about it already. But it's better than the alternative.

I'm fully aware of all of that.

Sorry, but you made it sound like you weren't having "the big talk" until she started dating.

as a teacher in a public school.

You can supervise her every waking hour that she isn't in school. But kids have a way of getting private time together when they want it. Not to be all gross, but I've found (and cleaned up) used condoms from storage rooms that didn't get properly locked, and I'm not the only teacher to have found them in the school. When I was in basic training, where we had no privacy at all, they used the dumpsters.

On top of that, there's always sneaking out of the house at night.

"Waiting for her to start dating" implies a storyline that may or may not happen. I'd go ahead and stick a box of condoms someplace now where she has access to it, given that 25% of girls have already had intercourse by the time they're 15. You can tell her it's for when she's ready to date. And tell her to clean them up herself when they're done, please!

In our school, we also have a culture that is far more accepting of pregnant students. We have some that stay in school all the way through their ninth month, then take a traditional 6 week maternity leave, and come back to school. The kids ooooh and ahhhh over the babies when they bring them in, and having a kid is seen by a lot of them as desirable, even at that age.

So on the one hand it's great that we've progressed beyond sending girls off into hiding to live a life of shame. All the same, in a lot of ways that sexual revolution didn't work out so well for liberating us women; all that free love seems to translate into a hell of a lot of child care. :)

her now in an informative fashion, not a lecture. Even if you wish to emphasize abstinence, be sure she knows all of her options so she can make an informed decision. It would be a good idea, IMO, to mention STD's as well as the possibility of pregnancy from engaging in unprotected sex.

Something I did when I thought my teenagers might become sexually active was to keep a box of condoms in the medicine cabinet at home and kept it replenished. I don't know if they used them for their intended purpose, gave them to their friends or made water balloons out of them, but they were available for any and all.

Things can take place after school when kids are at other kid's houses before parents come home from work etc.

One neighbor's babysitter used to get lots of visits from boys, meanwhile the children being babysat were running unsupervised. My own son & Dil had to have a serious discussion with their sitter after discovering boys had been spending a lot of time in their home and they found their bed messed up.

Things can happen just about anywhere..even in school, sporting events etc.

WISE ENOUGH TO PROTECT YOURSELF.....

I said these words to my daughter from the time she started asking questions about s-e-x = which was about 9 yo in her case.

It worked.

Funny thing - she found herself repeating them to one of her charges (a 14 year old girl) when she was nannying a few years back.

she's getting an appointment at the local PP and a script for birth control, whether she needs it or not. I went to high school with too many girls who got pregnant after "just one time" or those who didn't have access to birth control. (The PP was actually run out of town.)

And she's getting the extra long talk at the appointment about STDs-both curable or not. She's getting the pictures, the lecture, etc. She's also getting the lesson on condom use.

I know-I'm paranoid.

birth control

whereabouts. If she has a cell phone, call her when she is with her friends.

I do it all the time, just to say 'hi', but I also get the scoop on what is going on.

Keep the lines of communication open so that she feels she can talk with you and her mom.

Best wishes. Raising daughters isn't a lot of fun some of the time.

I think the fact that she has siblings 12 and 14 years younger has helped curb her own desire to reproduce early. When she was fourteen, she was living with a toddler and an infant! She saw what I went through and pretty much knows what it's like.

As long as your daughter continues to talk to you and her mother and knows that she can trust you, you'll be ahead of the game. I have no real advice to offer, though.

I watched my nephews when I was in high school...made me realize that having babies is no small matter...and it made me realize that you can't do it alone...it is always best to have a partner or a family to help...

I worry a little that she will rebel against her mom, and I'll be collateral damage. :)

She doesn't want to tell her mother about her friend. So far, I'm going to wait a bit longer before I do, to give her a chance to, but obviously I'll eventually have to tell her. I see my kids daily, but they actually live with their mother, so she needs to know. Though, since it's still early, I am hoping for an abortion, in which case I don't feel I need to tell her. She already dislikes this friend--I think the friend reminds her too much of her as a teenager.

between pregnancy and raising a baby. My niece, who was an A student until she dropped out and got pregnant, still thinks it's romantic that she's pregnant, even though she's been around a lot of babies and knows how difficult it is to raise them. Same with marriage--at that age, marriage is just a little more romantic form of "going together."

and how it's compounded when you're that young and haven't even finished high school. You said she's a wise kid -- I'm guessing that she'll welcome a chance to talk about her friend's choices and how they will have an impact on her. I had friends who became mothers as young teens and it didn't take too much convincing by my parents to see this as a bad idea. First, observing and hearing about the physical changes can be scary. Second, the realization that your friend has leapt over the fun years straight into full time responsibility is a pretty good prophylactic for many teens. That said, your daughter needs to figure this out for herself -- you can do what you've always done to communicate with her.

but it's equally important to keep reminding her that she's loved. I think a lot of young women who end up pregnant do so because they have very low self esteem and feel the need to have sex in order to be popular or in order to feel loved.

Make sure she knows.

Both have absent fathers, unconcerned mothers, and a lack of a place to call home. With my niece, she got handed back and forth between my sister and my parents so often that they didn't always know where she was. After Katrina, she wound up living in a shelter for two weeks, without her mother or my parents fully realizing she wasn't with the other.

My daughter's friend has a physical home, an apartment, but her mother is gone often, and she spends the night with so many friends (and apparently her boyfriend), that I don't think she feels wanted and at home anyplace. I think that's why she's been so easily manipulated by this boyfriend.

we've seen this all too often. This is a neglected child who thinks that a baby will love her no matter what...that she'll finally have someone who loves her. She has absolutely no idea how selfish babies are. That's not a slam at babies, btw, that's just truth...they HAVE to be selfish in order to survive.

When her expectations are not met, she'll either get pregnant again...thinking there's something wrong with the first one...or there'll be another abuse case for authorities to deal with.

need food
need changing
need love

no matter how many people write books or talk about this issue...there are still young women who think that a baby will be the answer to all life's problems...

We all talk as parents about what they need to know but one good way to talk about these issues is to ask her what she thinks...

It never hurts to repeat the message but also to try different methods of explaining these types of situations.

My daughter is much younger than yours so I can't speak from experience (my own at least)...however I have limited who my daughter can play with and generally those little girls who seem far too advanced for their age or who are trying to grow up way beyond their age...I do not let my daughter play with...

I am honest with my children and I do share information and knowledge ...BUT she is a child and we have only one childhood to live through before we have to grow up...and it horrifies me when I meet 8 and 9 year old girls who are wearing grown up clothing ...and who have already given up on Barbie, baby dolls..etc...

You can't always protect them from these situations but you also want to do everything you can to make sure that their childhood is fun and full of the childlike pleasures we all remember fondly...

She told me yesterday in the car as we were driving back from vacation. My eight year old was asleep in the back seat, but she woke up right after we started talking, so we had to stop. I can tell she's troubled, she's trying to work it all out. She's in a bit of shock, and doesn't understand that feeling, either, where you try to wrap your mind around something that's bothering you but can't quite do it. I'm hoping to get her alone today to talk to her about it.

I try not to dictate who my kids play with. Their mother tries that, and my teen is already rebelling against her, and refusing to tell her much about her life. Once they hit junior high, you can no longer control who they have access to, and they will befriend whomever you tell them they shouldn't. Rather than controlling her friends, as her mother tries to do, I try to give her values to make good decisions regardless of who her friends are. Like that's easy. So far, it's working, but I don't believe for a second I'll be the first parent whose child never gives him problems! :)

Oddly, this kid didn't really seem old for her age. She's got a couple of other friends I would have expected it from first, although now that it's happened, it's not surprising. It's not the age they act, but the insecurity.

She is young, and marriage will probably not work, but aborting the child is not the correct thing to do. Giving the child up for adoption is the best thing in this tough situation.

To me, it's no different from a tonsillectomy. But yeah, if abortion is against her beliefs for some reason, adoption would be better. I suspect that instead this will wind up a foster child one day.

I'd encourage you to stop speculating about what is the best thing for that other person (who you aren't responsible for) to do now that she's pregnant.

The best thing for her is whatever she is most comfortable with, at this point.

Having an abortion against her will, giving a child up against her will, being forced to deliver and keep a baby against her will - all of that is potentially far more damaging to her than any option she could pick for herself.

to a young body that is still growing itself.

but your point is well taken.

My girlfriend Betty Ann was a freshman at Immaculate Conception. All the girls were conceiving. I was in the public school and none of my friends were having sex yet, so Betty Ann's parents yanked her out of Catholic school and sent her to public high school. We had only 2 girls get pregnant in our class of 1000 and that was senior year. I think the kids that were having sex were using contraception and hadn't been taught that it was a sin.

Its not much fun to drop out of school to be a parent at 15. You miss all the fun.

;)

what city was that school in? I went to an Immaculate Conception in San Francisco! When I was there, we didn't have many pregnant girls but we did have lots of abortions.

Lots of not so immaculate conceptions, I'm sure.

that doesn't involve children at too early an age. Make her babysit for friends and relatives. Talk about schooling, college, work/career. Get her involved in sports, or scouting, or hobbies that can mesh with work life later.

Make sure she knows no boy has ever died because he couldn't fuck. Make sure she knows that's why boys have hands, to take care of themselves...! Make sure she has a good strong NO and a good right jab.

Talk to her honestly about how you felt when you had children. Make sure she sees what a godawful amount of work it is to actually raise a child.

Again, make her babysit ... I'm really, really glad i had to do that, even though at the time I didn't really want to. It was good experience for me, it reinforced what I thought--this is NOT what i want to do with a good portion of my life! (Of course, that could backfire if your daughter actually enjoys childcare...)

good luck

It really was a wake-up call of sorts for me. I don't really think it's likely your daughter will see her friend's life as "normal" - I think it's more likely she'll see it as something she doesn't want for herself. I know that's how it was with me and most of my friends when we saw what happened with the girls who did have babies.

Most of them dropped out of school. They weren't able to do the things the rest of us did without thinking about it because they were tied down with babies. It didn't look like fun at all and it made us uncomfortable. We didn't really feel like we had anything in common with them anymore and gradually, they got sort of shut out from the group.

I would use this as an opportunity to point out how these girls' lives are going to change drastically and how much better it is to put that change off. Not in a lecturing sense but in a talking to, not at, sense.

And I also think it's not a bad idea to say something along the lines of, "It's too bad they didn't feel able to discuss birth control options with their parents." I'd rather have my kid ask me if they could get on the pill than tell me she was pregnant.

one of my daughter's best friends is pregnant. And fourteen. She's due in September and all I can suggest is to just take it one day, one thing at a time.

It's scary, isn't it?

:hug:

Advice seems to range from "Send her to a monastery" to "treat her like a stray cat who can't control herself and get her fixed." :rofl:

My daughter talks to me about stuff, so I know where she is, concerning boys and her emotions and hormones. I also know her outlook on life, and her insecurities and confidences. I know she will push me away in the next couple of years, so I'm hoping to give her the best info I can before she does. I guess I'll just play by instinct.

She saw the prego friend yesterday. I took my kid and another friend of theirs--who is a more positive influence--to a local outdoor mall to "hang out." They all wanted to go sans parents, but I refused, and then the other friend's mother refused unless I was there. Nice to be reinforced. So I ate and shopped at the mall, near enough to check on them but not hovering around them. They were good with this. Interestingly, though, the prego friend, who has always been confident and outgoing around me, kept her distance, so that I would have had to chase her down to speak to her. She even chose to walk a mile to her house rather than accepting a ride with me. So she seems self-conscious about it, like my niece. I can imagine how scared and confused she is. I wasn't an angel in high school, and remember sweating out that fear, myself.

I'd keep my daughter away from these nogoodniks

you can play with your legs closed.

So, I still lie to myself sometimes. :)

I was lucky with my daughter. We were always able to have very open discussions about anything. Sex, babies, boys, girls, smoking, drugs, and seat belts were often talked into the ground.

Access to that, to me, was better than access to birth control. Simply because if she wanted birth control she had access to me, and I could guide her.

14 was rough. Daughter was hangin with "thugs." I was so worried anytime she was out of my sight. When she'd come home the discussions began.

Open and honest rules :D

:hi:

got them on Depo shots as teens for this very reason. I didn't want to worry and nag. They were both fine with it. That way they got the education, the meds and didn't have to tell me whether or not they were seeing anybody or what they were up to. I had them get the full spiel from the clinicians about all the types of birth control and about the fact that pills and shots do nothing to protect you from HIV.

When my son started getting interested in girls he got an economy size box of condoms and my spiel about HIV, pregnancy, etc.

It pays to start early. Sometimes they feel shy about telling you when they start seeing someone. Maybe they don't consider them a boyfriend and then things suddenly heat up.

My girls have expressed gratitude for my matter of fact approach. Several of their friends got pregnant unexpectedly and have struggled as young single mothers.

Sounds like you need to help your daughter find a new set of friends.

Sorry about her friend and all - but - and this may sound callous - she really isn't your concern - your concern is YOUR daughter. And yes, "normalizing" getting pregnant at 14 isn't a good idea.

I'd keep closer tabs. Monitor whereabouts. Who what when where why how. Spot check all of those by the way.

Do I sound like an "overprotective mom". Ok. Fine by me. My daughter - now 26 - says she was VERY GLAD that I was that way. It kept not only her - but a lot of her friends - OUT OF TROUBLE. They knew they couldn't pull one over on me, so they didn't even try. She told 'em I'd kill her and them, too if they even thought about trying anything. LOL. . . (not really - and she knew that, too.)


BTW - Getting married? - pfft - that's about the stupidest thing those children could do. Abortion or adoption, imho. Anything else is a disaster for the girl, the baby, the "dad", the families, and everyone else involved.

dupe

She's had many boyfriends, but no sex as far as I know. She's been open with me that some of her friends have had sex, but no pregnancies in any close friends. My assorted philosophies and what I have taught:

1. Self-esteem. She needs plenty of activities and opportunities to achieve- schoolwork with high expectations, extra-curricular involvements with the things that interest her. She should never be in a position of wanting to have sex to "please a boy" because she's not pleased with herself. Sex should be about being ready to enhance that relationship and pleasure for herself, not what someone else wants from her.

2. I've said, "If you ever need birth control, feel free to talk to me and I'll help. If you want birth control and don't want to talk to me, Planned Parenthood is both free and confidential." ("Our Bodies, Ourselves" is a great resource for young girls as is "The Teenage Body Book" by the way.)

3. Parental involvement. My daughter has an involved mom, dad, and stepdad. She doesn't fall too far by the wayside because people are always looking out for her.

4. Sex is a normal, healthy activity, but there are physical and emotional consequences. I discuss STD rates, safer sex, and failure rates and types of birth control. I also discussed feelings, relationships, and the often oblivious nature of young men in that regard. I've also discussed date rate and ways to try to be safer.


I've equipped her and I'm an open door. I've done my best and will continue to be there. That's the best thing a person can do as a parent.

My friend's sister was pregnant at 14, married at 15. This was the typical pattern in her family (except it didn't include a drug or alcohol problem). The boy was the son of a well-to-do store owner and she was able to move out of the trailer park and into a proper home. The baby is beautiful and precocious. Compared to many people close to them, they are thriving.

Another friend of mine was a teenage mom who recently became an assistant professor. She said it was much easier to write her dissertation with a teen around the house than it would have been with a toddler.

Statistics show teen pregnancy to have a negative outcome, but reality is more varied than that. As long as this girl keeps being a good friend to your daughter and doesn't take advantage of her, I see nothing wrong with both of you helping her get to a positive outcome.

I would suggest that her being a god parent is inappropriate. She shouldn't even think about being any kind of parent at this stage of her life. When I was 17 I had a friend who got pregnant and asked me to be a god parent.....which included of course being available to take care of her child.

My parents didn't forbid me to be friends with this girl but they made sure I knew that having a child at that age was a real hardship and wasn't something to be glamorized.

:shrug: