so...there is some very horrible shit going down in my family (very long post)

I dont know if anyone has noticed, but the past week I've been gone from DU. It's been a terribly stressing week, and it's going to get a lot worse from what I've gathered this week from my mother. But I feel the need to write this, simply because I'm pained and I don't know what to do.

It's no secret that I've posted on DU over the years and have alluded to some serious and tragic issues within my family; both my parents are alcoholic and have mental illnesses; my mom is anxious and depressed to the point where she is heavily medicated (Xanax, Paxil, and alcohol) and my dad is maniac bi-polar with god knows what else.

Before I left for college almost 4 years ago, it was not a secret that my father was a disaster with money--he was an independent attorney that often spent all his money on booze, overpriced cars, and other things to support a lifestyle that he could not afford. We had no health insurance, no retirement savings, and no savings period. We never owned a house, and the house we rented was small and falling apart (not literally, but it was in *dire* need of a full makeover). My mother went into 30,000 in credit card debt simply to buy food and pay the bills over the decade when my sister and I were growing up. We weren't near other family; they're all in New Jersey. So no one else in our family saw this growing up.

He was also a womanizer. And it was very obvious. Yet, my mother did nothing.

As kids, we knew things were strained--things were never spoken about why my father came home late--often very intoxicated--and was not pleasant to be around. He never hit us, but there were times when he was verbally hurtful to my mother and especially my younger sister. Yet, my mother did nothing. She would not stand up for herself.

In a nutshell, I've been the academic child, the intellect. My sister is more of the carefree, social rebel. She is just as smart as me, but in a very different way. When my sister and I were younger, my father often was furious that she was doing poorly in school and pitted us against one another. Needless to say, this strained things between me and my sister and my father.

Things got worse when I left home. My father began to drive drunk home. He crashed the car once in our garage. He stopped working. He saw more women. My mother finally began to see that things would not change. She and my father seperated, but he still lived in our house. Nothing changed.

Years of not paying taxes caught up and I didn't get financial aid at college. I had to take out far more student loans than I ever should had to (Boston College pays 100% of anything you can't pay, and in my case, that should've been a full ride). My mother's debt--which SHOULD have been my father's debt--grew. She filed for divorce and bankruptcy, and finally kicked him out the house.

He went to Alaska, where he is also allowed to practice law. He grew more and more bipolar, didn't take his meds, and had the car, a BMW (!) repossessed. He began to become petty as my sister and I began to become powerful women in charge of our lives and who wouldn't take his shit anymore.

About a year ago, he began to threaten suicide. My mom tried to help him as best she could, letting him stay in the house when he visited, tolerating his behavior far beyond what she should, and still he does nothing to help her or my sister out. Shortly after my graduation, my sister and I decided not to have him in our lives after his refusal to financially help my mother. He is a poison, and although we tolerated and tried to help him, he does not see the wrongs of his ways and the desperate need to get mental help.

Here's where things get more ugly:

This past week, after a visit to Oregon to see my sister and mom, my mom convinced my sister to give him a ride to the airport. My sister's boyfriend drove the car, and my father refused to wear his seatbelt. A cop pulled him over, my dad refused to talk to the cop, and got the car towed. My sister had to pay for a cab ride AND to get the car out of impoundments. He refuses to pay any money for my sister, despite his stupid actions causing the need for the cab and the towing of my sister's boyfriend's car.

Now he's threatening suicide again.

I have a million and one
hugs
:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: X 1million


but no advice....
just, sorry



lost

there's a ton more things going on...but i can't remember all of them.

Sometimes i wonder why i didn't turn out super fucked up...we had a very quiet dysfunctional family, but it was a dysfunctional family nonetheless :(

tell them he is threatening suicide in the location he is in.

If he means it then he needs help.

If he doesn't mean it he needs help.

From what you've described he is in desperate need of treatment for his multiple problems: bipolar mania and alcoholism.

He will likely have to be court ordered into a program to get any help for his problem. He is out of control and has been for a long time.

I would recommend something like Alanon or adult children of alcoholics, or some therapy group or a NAMI group.

You aren't responsible for his actions and it sounds like a horrible situation that isn't going to get better until he hits a bottom that forces him to deal with his mania and his other issues.

Ultimately though, it isn't YOUR problem, it is his. The more you can make it HIS problem and not YOURS the better the chances of you being happy and him getting help. In other words you and your sister, brava to you! Standing up to him and not getting sucked into his problems is the best thing that you can do.

The thing about the car. Just have to pay the fine. Next time, tell him to take a cab unless he is willing to follow the rules of the vehicle owner.

Tough stuff Wind RAven, and these are just thoughts on my mind and not necessarily what you should or shouldn't do.

Sorry you have such a lot on your plate

And to think I thought your biggest problem was living amongst the mormons :P

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

:(

:hug: to you my friend.

I have so much sympathy for your whole family, except your dad...

I know this will sound harsh, but maybe it would be for the best if he did take his own life...

Since he will not seek help, what can you do?

I would definitely be strong and stay the hell away from him...

He is toxic!

I'm so sorry...:hug:

It is very hard to deal with parents who aren't acting like responsible adults (for whatever reasons) but harder still when they insist on making their children act like the parents.

You've always sounded to me like the hyper-responsible one. Your sister more like the diffident type masked by an outer visage of rebel. Both are common reactions to the type of dysfunction you describe. Neither is bad IMHO if they get you through it.

Remember to remind your sister that your father's threats of suicide are controlling behavior compounded by his disorder and that should he act on it, the outcome is in no way something that either you or your sister could have changed.


(standard caveat: I'm not a professional, don't take this advice that way, I'm just old enough to have been around this block a few times.)

There's probably nothing you can do for him on your own aside from trying to talk him into a hospitalization.

Some people who have mental illnesses do not take their illness and treatment seriously. They could be royally fucking up, but somehow think that everything is okay. But then again your father could be a bad person when he's sane as well.

There is no crazy like out-of-control manic/depressive crazy.

You have my complete sympathy. :pals:

1-888-4al-anon

No one can solve your dad's problems but your dad and he chooses not to. You all need to heal yourselves and not to enable him any longer. Your mom seems almost content to stay in such a co-dependent mess, but you and your sister are young and have choices. I'm very sorry. :hug:

Although you and your sister seem to have generally risen above, your mom needs to develop some perspective.

Good luck.

I am so sorry for all that you and your sister and Mom have had to endure. And, I am so proud of you and your sister that you have been able to rise above. You GO, girls! Don't let anything stop you.

I understand to some degree, as my mother was a very successful business women who was also bipolar and unwilling to seek treatment, like your dad. My sisters and I were lucky in that my mother crashed through the police station in front of the police chief, and we were thereby able to get her some help.

Please, remember that it is VERY common for those who suffer from bipolar disorder to refuse to get treatment. It is, in some ways, a function of their mental illness. You must not hold this against your dad, as difficult as he may be.

But, you can break away if you need to. And, please let your mom know that it is OK for her to let go, as well. She should not feel so responsible that she continues to let him ruin her life.

Those with bipolar disorder are usually very intelligent and often wonderfully intersting creative people, but they can be very manipulative. You do not need to tolerate the manipulation, it can be devastating. It is OK to break away for the sake of self preservation. You owe it to yourself.

Most importantly, remember that you dad is on this path through life for a reason. And, for whatever reason you are on this path with him as well. Try to continue to love him no matter what.

Your parents are lost causes. You cannot help this, but yu are allowing him to exert power over you via his tripping. You need to understand that you can't control him OR your mom, and that your father may very well end up dead. Most importantly, none of this is your fault. But you are bravely trying to realte to them on a mayure adult level, which may exceed their comprehension level. Not your fault. But see a professional; it will help you cope with the remainder of looks to me to be a bright future if you look beyond the imediate storm of your family.

Hugs to you and yours; go live your life without regret. :hi:

In many ways, seeing my mother suffer is worse than seeing my dad suffer--does that make sense?

thanks for your words :hug:

except my Mom is still with him. Now they are 80+ and impossible.

Distance yourself as far as you can from both of them. Really it is the only chance you have for sanity.

I did not do that and now I am stuck with their madness while my brother is living blissfully without it.

It never gets better, it only gets worse. In the past five years my father has done so many fucked up things to me I cold not even begin to list them all. And my Mother just lets him do it all, as always. She has been abused verbally for 50 years and will do anything to avoid the fight that will come if she says no.

My brother has a restraining order so he is he is out of the line of fire so to speak.

Anyway, my heart goes out to you. I know exactly what you are going through, but the change must come with you, it will NEVER Come from them.

It is the ONLY way.

It sounds like his being bipolar is the least of the problem.
He's rude, petty, angry, bitter, obnoxious & has done alot of damage to your family.

My advice... drop him. Permanently.
It matters not that he should help all three of you financially.
That is not a reason to keep in touch.
What matters is the damage he is doing. On purpose. Without regard for others.

Evict him from your life. Call 911 and report that he is suicidal.
Then, lose his number.

Here is a HARD lesson to learn in life: there are some people you can NOT change- no matter
how hard you try. You may love them more than life itself, but, being around them will kill your soul.
Let him go. It doesn't sound like he was or is a great parent.

Hugs to you. I have a similar story so I understand.

Some people are just to toxic to allow into your life.Even if they are family.

when my stepdad was still ambulatory, and still living in the house, he was horribly unpleasant all the time. Because he had muscular dystrophy, he was weak and in poor health. One night, he totally flipped out, told my sister to 'go ahead and kill him' (she was what, 8 at the time?), and threatened to run away. Considering that he was in no condition to be out on the street by himself, mom called 9-1-1 because he was being a danger to himself.
This is what you might need to do for your father.
Best of luck to you.
:hug:

But, he's using the threat as leverage on you and your sisters.

And as others have said, write him off. I wouldn't spend another erg of energy thinking about him, considering him, or worrying about him.

But, he's not my father; and I know it can be difficult to let go of a parent, even if they are a total bastard who is clearly unhealthy and spiritually/psychologically/emotionally damaging to be around

And I don't mean to ignore your pain and turmoil, either - you are in a shitty situation, and I wish it was one that could have a good and happy ending. But I don't think that's possible.

He sounds like a self-destructive person (as does your mother, albeit in a less dramatic and frenzied way) - and barring any inner change from him, he WILL destroy himself; and sadly, all you or anyone else can do is let him.

Best wishes to you and the rest of the family.

He is just total poison to be around. The saddest thing may be that I saw this coming years and years ago--I think I started seeing the end of this sad tale in middle school.

That's really depressing, isn't that?

We had to watch one uncle and one cousin slowly (for the uncle) and quickly (for the cousin) drink themselves to death, wounding and hurting all over the place while they did it. Thankfully my family has enough experience with shit that no one took the abuse personally or felt guilt for their slow death, though we are all deeply saddened by both. We had enough other uncles and aunts who DID go through rehab who were able to remind the family that the drinking of others was their own choice, not the family's fault, and that it was okay for anyone who didn't want contact with the drunk two not to have contact, guilt-free.

Best wishes!

:hug:

Your parents need to work out their shit. It sounds like your mother is still taking care of your father in some sense of the word. I'm sure you could suggest to her that she no longer take care of him. He is clearly sick, but you and your sister do not need this (I know you know this - you say you've written him out of your life).

Your sister should just rewrite him out of her life again, for real this time.

His threatening suicide isn't something you and your sister should deal with. If he is threatening suicide, then the appropriate route for you/your sister/your mom would be to call 911 and give them as much info regarding your father's whereabouts and his threats as you possibly can. And that is it.

It is horrible shit. Seriously, though, for your own well being you need to just let him have his life, apart from you. Although it wasn't quite as similar, I had to disown my father for a few years while I was in my 20s because of his alcoholism. It was the best thing I ever did. I still have a relationship with him, but it is on my terms. He no longer calls me late at night, stinking drunk. But you're dealing with a different situation - the bipolar isn't something I can relate to, so I suppose I'd fall back on the idea of just distancing yourself and trying to build your own family on your terms.

:hug: :hug: :hug:

An important thing to remember is that it is not you or your sister's problem. Your parents are adults. You don't need to take care of them. Distance yourself from them, especially your father, as much as possible until they get their selves together. This might sound mean, but you have to escape from that in order to be healthy mentally yourself.

that you have survived all of that. Some people are poison to themselves and to everyone else around them. You can't help him, he has to want to help himself. A call to a crisis center might help and you should probably try that but, the main thing is to take care of yourself. You have your whole life ahead of you. My experience with solo practice lawyers who have your Dad's problems is that they often end up blowing cases and misappropriating clients' money. The Bar Association in Alaska may have a "Lawyers helping Lawyers" program which deals exactly with the kind of troubles your Dad has. Call the Alaska Bar Association and find out. Massachusetts, where I practiced law for years, has a program like that and they have lawyers who have been through this and can intervene. Maybe he has to hear from his peers rather that his kids or his wife. Give that a try and I'll be keeping good thoughts for you.

My family has been going through hell right now too. In fact I am not on speaking terms with my family,for my own mental health.
heres a bit about it, because I think you will see that we share some similarities...
http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=276&topic_id=6327&mesg_id=6327
I would also suggest the MHSG here on DU (mental health support group). They are the most helpful and emotionally supportive bunch of people. When I don't feel much like posting elsewhere on DU because of my issues, I post there.....

:hug:

We've always had so much in common, but it sucks that we have to have family issues added to the list :(

You always have an ear if you need it--you have my PM and e-mail addy i think.

All I can say is right now I am better off NOT knowing whats going on...but I think right now you can't afford to be there. On top of everything my work has been really annoying too right now. (stupid fricken ELISA's that aren't consistant.....how can an assay that gives higher OD values for Assay Buffer than the negative serum samples be valid?-I bet you are one of the few that understands that gripe!) I will also say that you are welcome to get in contact with me if you need to talk, I think I have some advice having been through this bad family shit.:hug: :hi:
I'll probably PM you soon, today, not mentally up to it...

my peeve are digests that fail to cut and give you solid linear fragments on the gels--ever get one of those? I stared at the photo for like 20 minutes before i realized it was a linear strand instead of fragments lol.

Sorry I have no words of wisdom to help, sounds like you and your sister are doing your best and will find a way, to either get him the help he needs or, and although I'm sure there will still be some pain ahead, at least save yourselves and your mother from getting more hurt than necessary.

As a very wise and not very PC friend of mine told me when my dad was doing horrible hurtful and self-destructive things in the years after my mom died, "He's free, white, and over 21." I can't add to the good advice that has already been given here, but here's a :hug:.

...but you do understand that there may come a time where, to save your own personal sanity or well-being, you'll be forced to cut ties with him? I had to make a very similar decision for some of the very same things you described above, and although I regret being put in that position, I know I made the right decision. His self-destructive ways need to be yours. Just me 2 cents. Either way, I do wish you the very best and hope you come out of this well.