Looks like I've got another child to take care of...

A 16 year old boy we know well has been tossed out of his house by his crazy mom. She is a single mom, and the father is in jail, however she is extremely controlling. She won't let him have any friends or go out unless she is with him. He is the greatest kid too. Polite, works hard, good grades, never complains even if he has been dealt a shitty hand by life.

His mother has thrown him out of the house for wanting to do something without her, and he is staying with us now. I'm totally confused about any legal ramifications of him staying here (since he is a minor), but I'm not about to let social services take him either.

Why are there such shitty parents in the world?

My parents did the same thing. One of my brother's friends was kicked out of his house, and he was sleeping in a park. When my dad heard about it, he went and got him, and he lived with them for a year, until he had saved up enough money to get his own place.

I don't know what the legal ramifications are, if any, but I applaud you for taking him in.

And I guess there are shitty parents in the world, because there are shitty people in the world. Becoming a parent does not take away shittiness, unfortunately.

However, he is the total opposite.

If he stays, he'll be here at least until after High School (or 2 years).

I live for my daughters, so this is so outside my realm of understanding, I just can't think about it without getting angry.

There are legal ways to make that happen, especially since he's an older teen and not a small child. If there's no delinquency involved and the parent tossed him out, most family court judges would likely respect his wishes in regard to who he wants to live with.

I'm not sure I want to push his mother into changing her mind by going to court, but I will if he doesn't want to return. The kid is wonderful though. How he turned out so good with the parents he's been saddled with, I don't know.

He has a place to live here for as long as he wants. If his mother changes her crazy mind and he doesn't want to return, then I guess it's off to court.

And don't make any excuses; I've heard them all. That whole "it's good for the economy and we can retrain mothers to do a more high-tech job" argument doesn't fly with me.

Well, you've got me there. Except the mother forced the outsourcing on us. :)

I bet she forced it on Bill Clinton too

I have housed various castoffs to......

good luck....
I hope you can make an impression on them...
let them know not everyone is ready to "throw them away"



:hug: :hug:

I have never understood why people that would die for a child
can not have one......
But the people that shouldn't have kids.... do??????


amazes me

If the kid was a delinquent, I probably wouldn't do this. However, he is fantastic. How anyone could throw him out like he is trash is mindboggling to me.

Children are a gift. I just don't understand why people do this shit...
You are awesome for taking him in.
Duckie

If you knew how good, hard working, sweet, polite he was, you'd do the same. He got dealt a shitty hand in life and is amazing anyway.

we'd see generally good kids who had just screwed up. Their parents would not take their calls, they would not come visit...They had been previously kicked out of their house, and were just trying to keep their heads above water. There were bad eggs that we were never going to reach, but then there were these kids. We've decided to become foster parents for just that reason. I can't stand good kids having no other choice but to screw up just to get help. It's frustrating, and I hope we can help fix that.
Duckie

how that would play these days.

They are better than I am. I'm doing this because I know him well and know his situation. Your parents are true saints by taking in strangers. I'm not worth that kind of comparison.

were still quite a few of them over the years, which is surprising in hindsight since we lived in a very small community. We nicknamed our house Grand Central Station for all the kids ("Foster" and otherwise) who came through. :)

my aunt and uncle took in a friend of their daughter, and ended up legally adopting her. Right around the same time that my other uncle on that side of the family got remarried and I got a few new step-cousins that way (one of whom was my age). And then my cousin who was a year younger than me skipped a grade in high school and graduated a year early... my great-uncle who had promised to help all of us kids monetarily with college suddenly had to be able to help out five of us graduating in the same year when he'd only planned for two of us. :)

Good for him though.

if you can help it.. at 16..

:banghead:

Will they take him away to a foster home? Will they arrest his mother? I see potential downsides to going through formal channels, but I don't know the legal ramifications if I don't.

Maybe they will arrest his mother. If she ejected her minor child from the house, then they ought to.

Look, suppose the kid gets sick. Can you authorize medical treatment? Suppose there is some other problem that requires a decision of a guardian? Suppose he gets an F in whatever. Can you discipline him? (Answer, no, he's not your kid.)

that is all

:hug:

:hi:

I don't want to see a good kid booted out of their home because they can't live by their parents rules and I don't want to interfere with someone else's rules. However when it seems that the kid can no longer return home I am willing to let them stay with us for a short time, usually the problem blows over and they return home but when it doesn't I let them stay for a short time and ask what plans they have. Often they have no real plan for being kicked out and decide to return and abide by their families rules. This may take a bit of time to materialize but usually they return to the safety net, unless the parents are really unfit and then I try and guide them as to what options they have as a juvenile.

She has told him he cannot return, she may change her mind and, hopefully, this will blow over too.

yes INDEED.

But, you do need some legal advice concerning his welfare.

Can I be arrested for some crime?
What about loaning him a car? Insurance? Health care?
Can his mother sue me?

It sucks that the world is so complicated, when all you want to do is give a good kid a chance.

Got kicked out of my house at 17 for staying out all night.
Lived between my boyfriend and my best friend's house for quite awhile.
No one got in trouble....
but that was in the early 90s.

That must have been tough with all the changes a teenager already faces. I'm glad you had the safety nets. I hope this works out without trouble too.

BTW, how did you drive? Did the families loan you a car?

the first year, then had a short reconciliation at which time my mother bought me a CRX, thank god. I was quite a burden to my boyfriend until then....

Two things: one, have you talked to his mother to verify the story? Sometimes teens, no matter how well mannered, view "family rules" differently than their parents do. This is not to disparage the young man's story (my parents were ... challenging ... to deal with, and I moved out at age 17), but one of those "trust but verify" things. If she is truly mentally ill, and you are willing to take him in, then I applaud you, but again, please verify the situation and legally protect yourself by notifying the police or whoever you need to so she doesn't later come after YOU with some cockamamie "contributing to the delinquency of a minor" charge which could have police banging on your door in the middle of the night, depending on what nonsense/see how pitiful *I* am/these people are encouraging my son to disrespect me and the rules of my home" baloney she comes up with. Also, if she is collecting any sort of financial compensation for him from any source, his having a new home may threaten *her* financial income, so expect some "heat of the moment" back pedaling.

The second thing is (and I hate to say this), if you've got two daughters, you need to be doing something other than "trusting" that you are not going to have a grandchild by this youngster within the next year or two. Please understand that I am not insulting you or your children; hormones are a flying at those ages, drama and trauma situations lead to comforting, and comforting can get out of hand, especially with kind, loving souls. One of my sisters convinced herself that she and the "kicked out boyfriend" weren't "sneaking" around behind her mother's back (we're half by our father), but were instead "married in the eyes of the Lord," which conveniently enabled her to ignore the good sense she had been raised with when it came to "appropriate" behavior. Also, since the guy in question was around more often (frequently when the mother wasn't home), there was more opportunity than was probably wise for "things" to happen (emotionally as well as physically), and the last bit that went with that was the daughter/my sister didn't have any "personal safe place" to be if she had wanted to end the relationship at that point, because it would have made the other party homeless (which is a huge burden to place on a young girl just learning to date). Much emotional messiness!

Summary: Beware of edited reality, protect yourself legally, and remember that its your daughters' home first -- and with him there, supervision levels will need to increase *dramatically* just as a common sense life precaution.

But its still damn nice of you to take him in so he isn't on the streets, and I hope you take my words in the friendly, "feel free to ignore them if you wish" spirit that I intend.

Good luck!

:hi:

The family rented our guest house until a couple of years ago, so we got to know the two of them well. The boy had no father around, and for 4 years I was his father figure more or less (I took him camping and fishing with us, he helped me with yardwork, I taught him to sail and water ski). He still works doing chores around here.

I think I'd classify her more as bi-polar with the boy either ignoring his existence or demanding every minute, usually coinciding with her boyfriend situation.

As for my daughters, I'm way ahead of you on the concern. I've got a few things in my favor. One, the age difference, my daughters are 12 and 9. Two, he's been a pseudo family member for a long time. Three, he is a good looking and seems popular with the HS girls. Four, my wife doesn't work outside of school hours, so there is always an adult in the house.

The legal situation you mentioned hits my concern squarely on the head. I'll have to talk to a lawyer and see what I have to do to protect myself. God, it's all so complicated nowadays!

Thanks.

suggestions, especially the first one. My youngest, which is my "WAIT 'TIL YOU HAVE KIDS OF YOUR OWN" child would run then say her dad and I had booted her out. One of the "best" ones was when I was away to Telluride Bluegrass, her dad allowed our daughter, who was all of 14 years old at the time, to stay "out" for 3 days...THREE DAYS! She told everyone her dad had thrown her out for 3 days. (I wanted to kill them both but there was still my Kaghime to think of so scrapped that idea shortly after it entered my brain.)

In the event the kiddo is really a runaway, you could be charged with harboring. It is in your best interest just to be sure his story is straight up.

That said, what a big heart you have. I never understood how parents could make their kids throw-aways. Tough love, I agree can be very useful; however, throwing your child out is incomprehensible to me.

Good luck.

high school 20 years ago. Pretty hard not to do it, actually.

How do you not do it? Especially with one of the good ones.

did the same thing for a friend of my younger sister. I think he was 17 or 18 at the time. It wasn't easy for her, even though he worked and brought in SOME income.Later he was able to move out and stand on his own feet thanks to the help my mom gave him...
I greatly admire people who will do something like this....:applause:

I'm glad it worked out for them.

While I know this was probably just a rhetorical question, I'd like to say a few things on this subject.

One of the best things I ever did in my life was not having children. I decided to stop the cycle of abuse/depression/etc with me. Our society (and others) has pressured people to have children to the point where many people who know in their hearts they would be bad parents (or worse, don't want them at all) have them anyway. It infuriates me... and it saddens me.

There are many things in my life I am not proud of. But, at least, I can say I never put a child through hell... I never gave them an unhappy life.

End of rant.

Yes, there are many people who have no business having children and, you are right, probably do so because it is expected.

It takes a lot of courage to admit that to yourself and to make the decision to go against society expectations. I'm impressed.

:hug:

:)

more like confused and with tons of questions.

were ALWAYS taking in our friends that had gotten kicked or were in a bad way. Many of those friend have ontacted us later in life and told us how much even a few days of relative "normalcy" :rofl: in our house meant to them. Good on you.

I take it the "normalcy" of your home was a relative measurement. :)

We're an odd bunch, but always welcoming to all comers.

pregnant when the girl was 16. This was in 1996. The girl had been "home schooled" by her very fundamentalist mother. Basically she received no education and was helping her mom keep the house clean. When she got pregnant, her mom took her over to M's house and told her "she's yours, your son has defiled her."

That was 11 years ago. They got married, in Missouri of course where 16 year old kids could get married at that time. They moved in with R's mom and lived there for a few years until he graduated from high school and started working with his dad. M tried to send the girl to high school but because she had never been in a regular class room setting she had no idea what was expected. She was also YEARS behind kids her own age, academically. The girl ended up dropping out of high school and I don't think she's ever gotten a GED.

As far as I know they are still married and now have two or three kids.

but we can have children and this happens...

:eyes:

thank Gawdess for people like you...

:hug:

If that happens, I'm pretty sure you have to let him leave. I don't know the specific laws, but stuff like this can be tricky.

Throw away kids. There was never a question of their parents ever wanting them back.

Sad, sad stuff.

was 13 years old and her mother (and I use that term loosely) threw her out because she argued with her stepfather. She came to our house with nothing but the clothes on her back. I called her mother to find out what was going on and was told that if I wanted her, I could have her. She stayed with us for a good 6 months or so before they finally got things ironed out. I didn't call CPS because I didn't want her to be caught up in the foster care system.