Damn. My sister made me cry - And I do not like her for that right now.

A month ago I asked her if she would mind ordering some things from a company and send them to me. I would e-mail her the list and wire her the money *up front along with the funds to ship them to me*. Well, a few days ago she started whining about it.

"Well, how much is there going to be?"

"What about taxes? Have you figured in the taxes?"

"Did you figure in the shipping charges from the company to me? What about the shipping fees from Indiana to Canada?"

"Gee, we don't have that much money on our credit card. I don't know if I can do it."

"Well, it's a really busy time right now. You know *husband's name* is going to have his surgery soon."

FOR GOD SAKE! If she didn't want to do it, why the hell did she promise? I gave her the freaking date I was going to be e-mailing her the list and when I'd be sending the money. And, as far as her husband's surgery goes: He *always* has something wrong with him so it's a matter of routine that *everything* revolves around him. Believe me, I could tell you stories about him that would piss all of you off.

SO: I am mailng my list to the company with a money order as they don't accept foreign credit cards nor do they ship internationally and they are going to ship the items to my darling sister and all she has to do is reship them to me. I mean, I'd hate for her to take 10 minutes out of her damn day to phone the order in and give them her credit card number. So, I'll mail it and hope they still have the merchandise I want by the time the order gets to Massachusetts.

I told my Dad that the next time my sister:

1. Needs someone to do her homework and write her term papers, don't come crying to me. (My biological-so-called mother forced me to do these things for my sister.)

2. Needs someone to pay for part of her wedding dress so Dad wouldn't know how much it cost, she better not ask me for the money. ( I paid almost $800.00 of the cost of her wedding dress when she married her first husband because she was afraid to tell Dad the price.)

3. Needs someone to teach her how to cook, to not call me *collect* and expect cooking lessons over the telephone. (She and her first husband had no money for long distance calls and they would have starved because she could barely boil water.)

4. Needs love and support when her Baptist preacher husband tells her on Christmas Eve that he no longer loves her and wants a divorce, to not call me.

5. Asks me to keep it a secret from Dad that she is living without benefit of marriage with her boyfriend - who is now her second husband - not to expect me to keep my mouth shut.

6. Is hysterical because her baby is breech and she may have to have a caesarean - don't come crying to me. I had my 2 caesareans like a big girl with my family 2500 miles away. She can do the same.

7. When her husband needs a liver transplant and is near death, don't expect me to phone every day long distance *on my dime* to inquire about him.

8. The next time she needs a favor - I am busy. Permanently.

This is the *only* thing I have asked her to do for me in the 22 years since I moved from home.

Is it too much to ask for her to do one thing for me? ONE THING in her whole life?

From what you've written, you have very little compassion for a sister dealing with a sick husband. You've stored everything you done for her in a little mental account from which you now think you're entitled to make a withdrawal.

Your sister said she would do a favor for you, even though you suggest she doesn't think of you. When she follows up on your agreement, you accuse her of whining and daring to focus on her chronically ill husband. That's sick.

I could never burden my siblings with something so petty as internet shopping if their spouses were sick, let alone act like a martyr for guilting them into granting a favor. And perhaps the siblings are too busy. Or maybe too embarassed to admit that they couldn't afford shipping (meds aren't free). Maybe they don't appreciate people that equate internet shopping with surgery.

You should be grateful that she agreed to help you.

surgery is gastric bypass - elective.

She was told that I would be sending ALL OF THE FUNDS to her in advance and not one penny would come out of her pocket.

By the way, between her husband and her, their take-home is about $5,000.00 a month and all his meds are paid for by insurance.

I DID NOT act like a martyr. I found another way to get the order to Massachusetts, she'll now re-mail the stuff to me. Maybe. I might just ask my Dad to do it.

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in the 22 years since I moved away from home and she whines. In all the incidents *I WAS THERE* for her.

Her husband is having gastric bypass surgery - and his surgery date isn't until mid-November. The items I wanted her to order and send would have been at her house by this coming Thursday and off to me by the next day. It would not have interfered with his surgery at all.

Geez.

I remember her birthday every year with a card and gift. She gets Christmas gifts from me. Does she remember my birthday? No. And I can't remember the last time I got a Christmas gift from her. ANd you know, that doesn't bother me. I do things for her because I love her, but I don't think it's right to wholeheartedly agree to do somethign and then start whining about it.

you sister sounds a bit self-absorbed.

I won't be asking for any favors again from her.

:hug: . :hug:

My sister made me cry all the time and still does and and I can barely tolerate her!

I do because of my kids but I'd really like to grab her by the throat and squeeze....

But I restrain myself, see her sparingly and talk even less on the phone and it seems

that e-mails are the only way we can carry on this charade. It's working.... for now.

Fret not!! Just avoid her and blow it off.

Life's to short to waste time on those that will not change. Be happy!

:hug:

ticked off at the fact that she was acting like this when it's the only thing in 22 years I have asked her to do for me.

It used to tick my husband off so much when I'd drop everything if my sister called with a problem.

I held her hand long distance through her pregnancy and when the baby was breech gave her encouragement that if she needed a C-section, she'd be fine! We were sisters and we were *tough* and we could come through anything, including unplanned Caesareans, you know?

I am just really, really sad.

I'm the youngest of three older sisters and two older brothers.

Only one brother is younger than me. You just have to learn to say "NO!!!"


And mean it and stick your guns, OK? Maybe that's why I like watching re-runs of "Rosanne"! :P

She had no problem telling people where to stick it and how... including her sister!! :P

Try watching some of her shows! ;) It's an education that'll make you laugh too! :rofl:

Hang in there and change your phone number. ;)

On the other hand, I'd rather have needy sisters that talked to me. I have two younger sisters and I talk to them once a year... and that's only if I am able to make it home for Christmas. What happened between us? Nothing. I am 7 years older and 14 years older than them and we just never became close. O

Of course, it doesn't help that one of them became a born-again Christian and I am a heathen because part of my research in grad school involved evolution.

years older. There are huge issues that make us very different but we live with those differences.

I heard her husband in the background talking non-stop to her the whole time I was on the phone with her. I wonder if he was feeding her what to say?

But, I am not going to worry about the situation any more. I also will never ask her for a favor again.

:-) her "care for other people" muscle is underdeveloped.

I will remember that whenever I start to get worked up over this. It made me smile.

Thank you!

Sometimes it is cool to do good things for people without expecting them to drop to their knees when you need help.

described were the tip of the iceberg regarding when I have been there for my sister. This is the very first thing I have asked her to do for me since I moved away 22 years ago.

If she didn't want to do this, then she could have said so at the start when I asked her instead of whine and throw up roadblocks as the date for placing the order arrived.

I love my sister. I have done things for her because I love her without on ounce of complaining about it in the past because she is family and, well, you *are there* for family. Or so I thought.

You let her get away with it for 22 years, and now you are changing the rules -- she has to "give back" a little, and she doesn't like it.

Well, of course she doesn't like it -- she's gotten everything for "free" for 22 years, and now she has to do some "give and take" -- she's used to the taking, and you doing the giving.

You let her get away with it, and you are about to let her get away with it some more. You aren't even going to call her on it (which means a little bit of whining on her part, and she doesn't have to step up for you).

Time to smack her upside the head with the reality brick. Tell *her* how you feel instead of your father. Figure out what kind of relationship you want, and *ask* for it.

I have a very stupid, very funny family Christmas present story myself. For 20+ years, I bought gifts for everyone while a bunch of the relatives didn't buy me a thing. I told myself it was okay, because it was "wrong" to give with the expectation of getting, but I'm human, and sometimes it hurt, but I'd stuff that feeling down, and bury it in the "it feels good to give" category. Some holidays we had more more money, and some we'd have less, and I'd spend *way* too much time trying to find/make/whatever the "perfect" gift for everyone

A few years back finances were doing better than they had for a while, and we (my husband and I) officially went "all out." Ended up spending A Thousand Dollars on my family. Took two trips to the car each to bring in all the presents for family Christmas for the dozen nieces/nephews and half a dozen siblings/spouses.

Left with A Candle and A $5 Puzzle. Total. For the *both* of us.

Husband's head exploded and He Was Done Now. He whacked me upside the head with the Reality Brick, and I ended up "discussing it" with my siblings. It wasn't about the money (for me, anyway); it was The Thought. One sister ended up explaining she had to buy for 25 people already (she has one child), and I just didn't rank. I explained that she could pick up a 25 cent book at a garage sale, and I'd be fine with that, because we could obviously afford to buy whatever we wanted for ourselves, but it was the FREAKING THOUGHT THAT COUNTED, and *MY FEELINGS WERE HURT*. That wasn't fun because it meant I had to tell her that I was vulnerable, which meant she could then use that as a "weapon" against me if she wanted....shudder...NOT easy for me!

Things have gotten better since with some of them, not so much with others. I did stand up for myself, and for the most part, that turned out to be the right thing to do. I can't really blame them for getting away with treating me like crap for so long, because honestly, I *let* them think it was "fine" (when it really wasn't), so whose fault was it really? Them for being inconsiderate assholes, or me for playing the selfless martyr?

If you ASK for nothing, you really oughtn't be surprised when you get it.

myself. I usually just stuff things down and then they all bubble over in a huge way at a later point.

Oh, believe me, she knows how annoyed and pissed off that I am over this. The distancing begins now. I will be nice and civil, but I am going to have to just not care so damn much.

To be honest, this whole thing hurts. Really hurts.

And I have not talked to her since I last saw her---in the mental institution she was involutarily committed too after threatening to kill herself over an affair she was having (that she denied and denied and denied). I know I am going to sound callous but I *suspect* you have very good reasons for your annoyance with your sister, more so than what is outlined here. She may indeed have issues (as mine does) but there if she is as self centered and as destructive as my sister is, then for your own healths sake, yeah you need to just distance yourself from them. I had to do that myself for my own sanity..sometimes I wonder what is going on with her the hubby the lover and the three year old caught in the middle but I just can't deal with that and my own stressors anymore....

But, I honestly thought that I had dealt with all of those issues and had put them in their place. Apparently not. My son's friend lives here with us now and she was in the room when all this was happening on the phone and she told him what was going on. My son came upstairs later and mentioned a few incidents that I had forgotten.

It's just so sad to realize how narcissistic that a person you love can be.

My Dad has always said about my sister and me, "You two are so different in the way you think, act, what you believe and all, that if a person didn't know you were sisters, they'd never guess it."

It's really true. We are polar opposites.

She's still pissed that I married a Catholic (and converted) and that I vote Democrat.

Ain't families great!?!?!?!

I try really hard to be independent, but sometimes just need a shoulder to cry on or a hug for support.
Here's one for you.:hug:

Just give a shout if you need one. I also have big shoulders if they are needed.

:hug:

Why can't you just get a check card and put the money on the card and do it yourself.

Nor do they ship to international addresses.

You're essentially shunning your sister because of a web purchase?

Lame.

I agree. Even if the sister's husband is having surgery ,its her life and she does'nt have to drop everything to help anyone.

she's starting to whine. If she wasn't willing to do it, she shouldn't have agreed in the first place.

ago and now she's whining. It's a matter of putting a new addreess label on a parcel and sending it north.

She's asked for a lot and it's always been done or given. This is the first thing I have asked her to do since I moved away 22 years ago.

IdaBriggs nailed along with a few other posters. It sounds like it's time to change the family dynamic. Perhaps she's being selfish, perhaps not. Maybe her marriage is a mess right now and her failure to follow through is related to that, perhaps not. Perhaps it's something wholly unrelated. What is clear is that you're disappointed and resentful over the current state of things and IMHO ranting to the universe may be cathartic but until she understands just how hurtful her actions seem to you, nothing will be resolved.

talk about this with her. Thank you for the input.

Take your time to be mad, calm down, sort it all out and let the REAL issues bubble to the surface. Then take some more time to get yourself to a point of neutrality or distance or whatever. I give you the exact advice I'm currently giving myself. It's worth what you paid for it.

I'm totally with you :hug: having just survived the "American invasion." I put an OCEAN between me and my toxic immediate family. My little sister and I have always been close and after 12 years of nagging she and a dear cousin visited last year. It was a week-long teenie slumber party, we all had SUCH FUN. This year cousin couldn't make it and middle sister (with whom I've ALWAYS had SEVERE problems) decided to take up the slack. She manipulated li'l sis as per usual. Never mind we'd not seen each other in 7 years, nor spoken except hi/bye when she was at li'l sis's house for holidays, Mz Talibornagain booked (non-refundable) tickets before speaking to me, hijacked my time with li'l sis and was the NOTHING-HAS-CHANGED pita she's always been. IN MY HOME. I felt and still feel so VIOLATED.

So I'm putting myself on a time-out to widen my perspective. In your shoes I'd likely have found someone else to forward the package as she's now set up to complain about you putting demands on her while she has such problems. May you get your order soon, as IT is CLEARLY NOT the issue. :hug:

I'm sorry your middle sister ruined the visit with your little sister.

I'll get my stuff, but I won't ask her to do anything for me again.

Wow. Just wow.

His liver transplant was 6 1/2 years ago. He is not ill. He is having gastric bypass surgery. He'll be in the hospital 2 days - maximum.

to support her and her husband through the entire ordeal and I would do it all over again if need be.

I can't say the same courtesy from my sister has been returned when my daughter almost died and over the past 2 years when my husband had several small strokes. She didn't even call to ask about either one of them.

I have done her homework, done her research and term papers - well past the time when my biological-so-called-mother forced me to. All because I felt sorry for her. Her first husband walked out on her and when she was having a tough time with a few of her university classes, I was doing researching information and articles up here in Canada and mailing her the photocopies of everything.

If she had said that she really didn't want to re-mail the items to me in the first place, it would have been fine. But, we talk almost every week and every time she'd ask me if I was still going to send her the list. I kept telling her that I was and gave her a date that I would be sending it - along with the money.

NOW - when I talk to her TWO DAYS before I am to send off the list and wire her the money to call in the order - she starts whining.

THAT is what is pissing me off the most. Had she said she couldn't, I'd have found another way. But, silly me, I thought that sisters could ask for favors from each other.

It's about you feeling like you go out of your way to be there for your sister and she doesn't do the same for you. Whether that's justified isn't my place to say, certainly.

But it's really difficult to change people who have been a certain way all their lives. And it does sound like you've enabled it as well - doing her homework, etc. You thought sisters could ask favors from each other but it doesn't sound like you've ever really been able to ask them of her. Why expect it now?

Point is, she's very likely never going to change. Seems to me you either need to accept that and accept her the way she is and NOT put yourself in the position of being disappointed yet again or write her off. Which is a pretty drastic thing to do among family.

My choice would probably be to accept it and gear my life in such a way that I wasn't constantly irritated by her. Which I actually did with my late sister who was quite similar.

desperately need the items that I am ordering as I cannot get them in Canada - I will be working on what you suggested.

SEND HER MY WAY

Thanks for the offer! I appreciate it - and the laugh you gave me.

:D