have you ever had suicidal ideation?

at any time, for any duration?

One of those things you can never quite explain. I was just a sad, screwed-up kid, I guess.

I voted no...

I think the thought occured to me once, only to be completely rejected out of hand...

I have way too many things I want to do yet!

Besides, I am afraid of dying...

I have daydreamed that certain others would bump themselves off from time to time, but only in a not-to-serious daydreamy what-if sort of way.

I don't actually want anyone to really commit suicide, outside of assisted end of life sort of way.

Then I realized that to drink like I did IS to kill oneself. That's about the time I put the bottle down, sobered up, and discovered life.

I visit it often.

So it turned out to be a good thing, or at least a warning sign.

I have thought about what it would do to my family, at various times, if I were no longer around.

And that started very early. When I was still a little girl actually. Because of my health, I became aware of my mortality very early. So, it's not something I hope to make come true.

whom I've never met, killed himself last week. With a gun.

They've subsided somewhat recently...I just got a new job which I'm hoping it will help, but I know the real roots of my depression will linger on.

..and I find it worrisome and sad that there is such a disproportionate number of "yes" votes. :-(

I don't actually feel any compulsion to end it all, it's just that I can easily imagine myself driving the car off a cliff or swallowing a bottle of pills.... I have actually thought out the chances of "success" with each method, and who would find me, and how I would stage it to ensure my loved ones were spared, what kind of note I would leave and what my body would look like post-mortem.

It's wierd since I don't have a negative life and am relatively happy in all areas but there you have it. Suicide ideation since forever. The notion of ending my life doesn't worry me at all (as an atheist I don't believe there are any negative consequences for this) and honestly one of the things that motivates me to keep living is the thought of new adventures the next day so I can't say I am depressed.

Prolly just wierd. I will say there are days I also fancy myself as a fiction writer so please take note of the fact that I have a vivid imagination! :D

My father committed suicide.

I think the thought crosses most peoples' minds at some point, though fleeting.

A few years ago, I got much closer to the edge than I ever cared to.

- since early childhood.

I used to be very afraid of telling anyone. I thought they'd put me "in a mental hospital" or something.

I knew it was common, but this common? Or are internet boards just a magnet for ocd types?

When I was a teenager an older guy (whom I had a serious crush on!) was talking about suicide and said only cowards committed suicide (Not a commentary about anyone else!). Well that was the LAST thing I wanted anyone thinking of me so it deterred me the few times I "semi-seriously" considered it a few times as a teen.

My therapist now was concerned about it, especially with my depression, so he wanted some kind of "assurance" I wouldn't try kill myself.

I thought about it a moment, "I wouldn't do that to my kids! Besides, I don't want that b@st@rd to get custody of them!"

He thought it was a pretty damn good reason. And funny.

My worst recent bout was while my adult son was living with me. But then I'd remember what my father's decision did to me...

that's a deterrent, all right.

:hug:

I came home from school, ran downstairs to our playroom in the basement followed by my siblings. Mom was SCREAMING that we come back upstairs. I got to the bottom of the stairs and to this day, nearly 5 decades later, am UNWILLING to recall what I saw.

I would NEVER do that to my kids. NEVER. NEVER. NEVER.

What an awful and traumatic thing to have to go through.

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

Being a "resilient kid" I was just expected to "get over it." The trauma was never addressed by ANYONE. It took a few decades... ;-)

I blamed myself for my mother's death, which happened soon after I turned 13. I was pretty self-destructive for almost a decade. It still occasionally hits me, but overall I am not a depressed person - just depressing to be around. :)

Landed me in the hospital, screwed up my career. Even if I had them again, I doubt I'd tell anyone. Which is EXACTLY the opposite of what I would tell anyone else to do.

there are so many yes answers....
also a little scared.....

hope everyone is ok.....

:hug: :hug:


lost

I don't see it as sad - it's even potentially hopeful, dare I say reassuring even?! People have answered "yes" yet they are still here, they (we've) managed to deal with it and perhaps someone who is seriously contemplating it will see that a LOT of others actually think about it and turn away, or seek help and live.

I believe depression is still perceived of so negatively in our society, it's a good thing to de-stigmatize it.

It was a Lounge thread that told me OTHER people felt that way. That I could admit it without fear of being locked up.

Before that, I never told anyone - none of my therapists over the years. I always answered "NO" to their question about thoughts of suicide because I was afraid.

It was such a RELIEF to understand that I wasn't as crazy as I thought I was.

I would miss my favorite TV shows.
And I would miss my friends.

Of something painful (cancer) or something that would cause grief to my family (Alzheimer's).

Otherwise, I'm way too curious about how things will turn out to go there.

If I knew I was dying a slow painful death it would be an option. I have had hard times in my life but never once thought about ending it.

If I become terminally ill or ill with a terrible, wasting disease (Alzheimer's, say, or something like that) I would prefer to kill myself while I still could rather than waste away. Also, I have determined the degrees of injury with which I could live. Loss of one limb = I can manage. Loss of two or more = I prefer death. Paralyzed from the waist down = I think I could deal with. Paralyzed from the neck down = somebody please kill me. Or I would simply give up and refuse to eat or something. I will NOT live like that, a burden on someone. And that is the calculation I make. Now whether I would have the courage to follow through, I have no idea.

I know this is not precisely the question asked. I have not fantasized about killing myself. I do, however, fantasize daily about chucking it all and running away to where no one can find me.

Anyone who denies it,...is lying about either doing it or wanting to.

I am still amazed that people treat such things as "bad".

OF COURSE we all want to END "life" at some point in our lives (unless you happen to be one of those extremely lucky, beyond human-type of beings,...and even they take *LOL* prescriptions to 'relieve' their minds).

C'MON!!!! Life is difficult.

Geez. "Imagining" escape is 'bad'?

*shrug* It is not BAD.

DOING IT is deadly,...but, imagining it is no more deadly than reading a romance novel.

I'd never suicide myself unless it was "novel": no note left behind and hanging my body off a crowded interstate with a banner saying, like,...,uh,..."FREEDOM!!!"

Suicidal ideations are USUALLY nothing more than another means of coping with the difficulties of life. The ones who TALK about them are the survivors. The ones that deny them are the endangered ones.

This year has been rough - a wild as a rollercoaster and I going through one of my spells right now. My counselor is very afraid that I might do something so I have to call them every night to let them know I am alright. I love myself but this depression puts a huge block on my brain and it puts fears in me and I am fighting everyday.

I want to have a child someday but my fear is that the state will find out about my mental health and possibly take the child away. And post partum depression has me very afraid - I have a lot of love in my heart but I am not able to share it. It makes me combust inside.

Plus I see the world very differently - I see beauty in everything but every now and then this damn depression comes and fucks everything up for me ...

But I don't and I am not going to commit suicide. My mom lived for me and my brother and I am not going to do something crazy and commit suicide because I know it would hurt them.

So there........:hi:

I've dealt with depression off and on since my early teens, so the idea of feeling like your life is so out of control that you just want to end it is something I've certainly identified with. It's never a feeling that has lasted for an extended duration or that became the main focus of my thoughts, and I've never actually made any plans for suicide because I don't believe I would ever really do it. Having expectations of where you should be or what you should be doing and not succeeding at being there, and feeling like you have so far to go that it would be impossible to ever catch up to where you'd like to be: that has been the main frustration in my life that has occasionally made me idealize suicide.

"Having expectations of where you should be or what you should be doing and not succeeding at being there, and feeling like you have so far to go that it would be impossible to ever catch up to where you'd like to be..."

Having worked so hard being on the "bleeding edge" for DECADES, paid so many "dues," taken risks none of my successful colleagues would ever dream of, sacrificed so much holding on to a belief in myself, NEVER DOUBTING that the creativity within HAS INTRINSIC VALUE, while being betrayed and battered again and again by those thought to be nearest and dearest...

"Having expectations of where you should be or what you should be doing and not succeeding at being there, and feeling like you have so far to go that it would be impossible to ever catch up to where you'd like to be..."

That was how I felt the one time I was in a deep enough depression to seriously consider suicide as a way to end the pain...but since a sibling had already done that few years earlier, I knew that no matter how bad I felt, killing myself would inflict that pain on my family and there was no way I was going to do that to people I love.

Sometimes I sit and think about how much simpler it will be after death (i.e., none of this worry about the way the world is going, the fighting with random people over the stupid shit they do, etc). I know that one day I will die and that will be the end of me, and it provides a certain comfort when I think about everything else I have to put up with in life. Though I don't fear death, and even embrace it in a way, I have no plans to end my mortality. Life is interesting, and challenging even in it's adversity. Creative people are always writing new tales, and new music. That's what I'll miss the most long after my body decays and rots beneath the ground.

have had them off and on for decades. At its worst it was every day, including first thought in the morning and last thought at night for months on end. It subsided significantly about 10 years ago from being on St. John's Wort for about a year. Still pops up occasionally though, but rarely lasts more than a few days and usually not more than a few hours.

But, yeah.

It was much worser during primary school yrs. I never got counseling and my family have no idea about this. Something has always held me back, I suffer from depression but I haven't thought about suicide in a while.

I think there is so much to life and I don't want to miss out. I just have find my happiness to truly enjoy life.
:-)

thinking they'd be sorry they made me wash the dishes.

Sad thing is that many never outgrow this...

But I've seen first-hand the impact of suicide on families and loved ones left behind and at this point in my life I can't think of inflicting that type of pain on anyone

more recently than I care to admit actually...

Why didn't I do it?

Probably scared, but I also thought about my son and the fact that he needs me.

Some days I have thought, maybe I'll go to sleep and not wake up though and would that be so bad?

I'm better now.. somewhat miraculously actually.

Depression is an illness. One of its symptoms can be suicidal thinking. You don't have to be depressed to commit suicide. Panic can be a trigger for suicide as well.

Today I don't have to hang myself, overdose, drive my car off a bridge or into an embankment, or take an overdose or take poison. These are ways that I've contemplated doing this in my life.

Today I feel like there is some kind of hope in the world, that I'm going to be okay, and that whatever happens to me is not as important as what I do in regards to being a good parent, friend, etc.

I also have some kind of spiritual beliefs that help me as well.

Odd thing is that when I was drinking when I was younger, I rarely had any thoughts along this line.

In sobriety I have wrestled with depression and anxiety and have hit some really low points mentally. Something has always pulled me back. From the noose I fashioned and had ready to use, to the bottle of furniture polish I was set to drink (long ago) Something pulled me back from both of those. A flash of something. Sanity perhaps?

Hope there isn't too much information here. Just wanted to share that there is hope for you if you feel like killing yourself. You don't have to do it. There is always tomorrow.

Change is inevitable... so stick around, this too shall pass!!!!

:hug: :hug::hug: :hug:

:shrug:

that it seems abnormal to me to not have this thought. Anyone who has loved deeply and who has lost must have felt the need to stop being.
I come from a long line of suicidal people... I will not follow them but I do languish in the depths of feeling I would feel better dead

by the time I was in high school, I had a list of suicide methods that I carried around with me, like a talisman. It was broken down into categories like "painfree" or "too painful" or "too chicken" and I was never without it. I never showed it to another living soul or even discussed it, until now.

Funny to me that now I have no idea where it is, that somehow in the space of my life since then - years and years of life - that piece of paper, which was all I had to hold as anchor some nights, just vanished.

My dad suffers from depression. A few of my siblings do as well. I know that when I am in moments - or days or weeks - of great stress (last spring was such a time for me), the certain knowledge that my life is, indeed, in my own hands, is sometimes the only thing that keeps me from ending it. Control of one thing is still control, right? Well, that and my kids, now, are enough to keep me focused on forward motion, even in the teetering on the edge of the abyss moments.

I am really interested by how many posters have had similar thoughts from such a young age.

The most recent was last year when I found myself in the tub, drunk staring at a straight edge razor that was in my hand. My children (the thought of them) saved me until I was able to get the help I needed. I'm happy to say I don't have those thoughts anymore.

It sucks, but that's just part of life... the suckage.