Well it looks as if my fiancé is leaving me.

Apparently due to he fact that I spend 14 hours a day at work and school and have no time to keep a perfect house, he is leaving me!I don't know what to do!

Doesn't sound like much of a fiancé. Sounds like he wanted a maid, not a fiancée.

He won't even walk Maverick. Then he gets mad if Mav has an accident.

I don't know your fiancé except for what you've said above. As much as it might hurt, I'd be asking myself, "Do I really want to live this way for the rest of my life, with a person who has more available time than I have, but insists that the household responsibilities are mine alone?"

I'll light a white candle for you. :hug:

I'll need it!

:hug:

If you can't live in his reality, then you're better off not trying to conform to his. Sorry.
What led you both to believe that an engagement would make life better? I'm curious, because there is insufficient information to encourage you to stay with him.

On the one hand is your obvious feelings for him. On the other is his really slack reason for leaving you.

breathe a huge sigh of relief that you didn't marry him. Sounds like a selfish immature man.

I try, but I'm just so tired all the time. With school and work, sometimes I just can't do all the cleaning he wants done. He said he wanted 1 hour a day out of me. But some times all I have the energy for is 1 room (if I'm lucky).

and wants you to hold the whole thing together then....well that is just not fair to you. Why can't he pay for a cleaning service?

Whatever, I do hope you feel better. :hug:

I live there too and a bunch of times the mess is mine. I do all the cooking. I do the dishes more than half the time, I wash clothes(not her bras and panties, I shrunk them on high), dry clothes, fold towels, vacuum, cut the grass, do the garden stuff, and anything else that comes up. If this guy can't help out with chores then tough shit for him.

Tell him to hire a maid to do his share. My house is never clean enough to suit me but I try not to let it bother me anymore. You're better off without him in the long run. What a lame excuse on his part...he wants an hour out of you. What, does he think he's on a military base with white glove inspections?

With that said, just let your house go and him too. Having a clean house will not get you into heaven. He doesn't want a wife he wants a mother or slave.

Let's all go for drinks and diss him out, you'll feel better and next thing you know you'll be laughing and free from worry. Hugs!

school loans. :evilfrown:

He should do it himself. Otherwise tell him to fuck off.

Seriously. If someone did that to me, I would dump his ass.

house. I prefer yard work where I can see something that stays done for more than half an hour.

I told my husband when we first moved in together that I did now move in to be his maid.I was working full time and overtime at the time.

He just drops his clothes where ever he disrobes and is useless when it has to do with cleaning. So we hired a housekeeper to come in once a week. Now that I am disabled it really helps as I can't do the heavy cleaning anymore.

If it is not a control issue with him and otherwise all is well, it might be something for you to consider...

If not, and he wants a clean house--he needs to start cleaning the house.

I think you're better off without him, but I know you don't feel that now. I remember when people told me that about my ex. All I can say is that it'll get better. :hug:

If he can't bring himself to clean the place he also lives in, then he should have hired a maid.

It may hurt now, but shit like that is the basis for an abusive relationship that will only get worse with time. (As my abusive ex...who never touched me while we lived together...said after the wedding; "you're mine now, bought and paid for" and he proceeded to prove to me that I was just another possession)

You're lucky.

I don't know how you can clean wrong, but I do.

Get mad, girl. Righteous anger is your best friend right now.

here::hug: :hug: :hug:

You may even be able to find a new better model in a month who knows? BTW the divorce is huge! Keep looking. Find out what their individual indiosyncracies are -- perhaps this one was spoiled by his mother.

offer you some :hug: :hug: :hug:

Right now, just worry about taking care of you. The rest will eventually fall into place.

Thats all I got left. It is hard to see how it's going to get better.

WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN
Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.

Dogs miss you when you're gone.

You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you.

Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.

Dogs don't brag about whom they have slept with.

Dogs don't criticize your friends.

Dogs admit when they're jealous.

Dogs do not play games with you -- except fetch (and then never laugh at how you throw).

Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent, because they know the most important thing is that you're together.

Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.

You can train a dog.

Dogs are already in touch with their inner puppies.

You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.

Gorgeous dogs don't know they're gorgeous.

The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, the *really* worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.)

Dogs understand what "no" means.

Dogs don't need therapy to undo their bad socialization.

Dogs don't make a practice of killing their own species.

Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.

Dogs think you are a culinary genius.

You can house train a dog.

You can force a dog to take a bath.

Dogs don't correct your stories.

Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.

Dogs aren't threatened by a woman with short hair.

Dogs aren't threatened by two women with short hair.

Dogs don't mind if you do all the driving.

Dogs don't step on the imaginary brake.

Dogs admit it when they're lost.

Dogs don't weigh down your purse with their stuff.

Dogs do not care whether you shave your legs.

Dogs take care of their own needs.

Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.

Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

Dogs are nice to your relatives.

http://ifaq.wap.org/sex/dogsbetterthanmen.html

I'd say you're getting the better end of the deal with him leaving.

It probably doesn't help much, but you deserve better. Seriously.

:hug:

And put up with that pic of bush they have hanging in the living room.:eyes:
(Things just get better and better:sarcasm: )

a year and a half ago. Everything was fine, sort of. He couldn't seen to find a job that wasn't suddenly closing there doors or suddenly laying off. Well I used all my credit and majority of my loan money to keep a roof over our heads. Then after the fire he found work in a covenant store down the block. He said he hated it. And he did start to drink heaver.And 5 weeks after we got the puppies We lost one to Parvo and almost lost the other. And to make matters worse, he now has a better job doing security.

1. You put yourself into the hole to support him while he was looking for a job/crawling into a bottle.
2. You must put in long hours to keep your job so you can get yourself out of the hole you put yourself in on his behalf.
3. Rather than being a man about it and helping doing the jobs you don't have time to do, he is threatening to leave you.

Sorry to be so blunt about it, but that seems to be the situation. Offer him a choice--either he uses some of the money he is now earning to hire a maid and/or pay down your debts, or he helps out with the housework. Do not put yourself into the "second shift" situation he seems to want to push you into. If you do it now, he will try to push you around on it your entire married life. If he's acting like this now, imagine how he might behave later when he's on more stable employment footing, you have a child, etc.

And if he does leave you, consider suing for the money you spent to support him. And keep the ring.

I am wearing a $100 promise ring I had to buy myself.:-(

you aren't even engaged. An engagement isn't official until there is a ring (and nothing fancy necessary, just some token) and some idea of a date.

From what you've said, he is comparing you to his mother who was apparently some superwoman. Well, guess what? I betcha he doesn't have a rank clue what his mother did to make all these miracles possible. And you're not his mother. You're your own wonderful person.

Do yourself a favor--don't let him leave you. End it on your own terms. It is far better to have a broken engagement than a miserable marriage and a nasty divorce. Even if it means living with your parents for a bit. It's gonna hurt and suck for a while, but you'll eventually be glad you did it. And sell/pawn that ring and pay some bills or get yourself something. And if you supported him, you are entitled to get some of that back, depending on the civil laws where you live. Bill the idiot.

eom

What's bad about him getting a better job?

I work hard to get where I'm at. And after I get my B.A. in Communication, I go even father. But he says that my job and school is hurting the relationship. He didn't think so until he started getting a regular pay check.:(

If the refusing to help clean house and the promise ring you had to buy yourself wasn't enough, that last statement about the jobs clinched it! He was sponging off of you the whole time and now he doesn't need to. It sounds like he's purposely being a shit and making excuses to back out or get you mad enough to throw him out. I say, go for it! Show his ass the door, sister, and don't look back!

And I say this as someone who is totally not materialistic. I never had an engagement ring(didn't want one), paid for both of our wedding rings and our wedding because my husband was dirt poor. We've been married more than ten years now and his love and kindness has paid me back a million fold. And I am THE world's shittiest housekeeper! My husband now makes much more than I do and he jumps in to help me with the housework on the weekends without even being asked.

You don't need someone like that who isn't willing to invest anything in the relationship at all. Feel strong, feel good about yourself, and give him the boot. You don't need him.

If you don't want to go home to the folks, do you have friends who can use a little extra cash that you can room with and pay a little rent to for awhile?

:hug: We almost lost my puppy to Parvo shortly after getting her, so I can kind of sympathize with you about that. I am so sorry for your loss, and for the way this man is treating you - I know it's little to no comfort right now, but it sounds like you really are better off without him, and I'm sure you'll find somebody better for you. :hug: Sending plenty of hugs and good vibes in your direction, and if you want to talk about it anytime my PM box is open. :hug: :grouphug: :hug: Peace.

:redbox:

From what you've written, he doesn't sound like much of a prize. Don't settle for someone who treats you like that. I know it hurts. :hug:

:eyes:

call the landlord. The landlord may ask you to pay for the new locks, but that will be less than $50.

Do it! Now!

but from what you said this guy won't even put the needs of a dependent animal above his own convenience. Take this time to really think about something - if he won't even inconvenience himself to take care of your dog, how do you think he would treat you if you needed his help someday?

:hug: to you. I know it hurts but someday you may realize it's for the best. You deserve better.

I'm so sorry to hear that. But you deserve someone who will support you in your accomplishments. Housework is not YOUR responsibility alone.


:hug:

But I do try. But when you get up at 2:30am M-F,go to work till 7:30. Then go to The University from 8am to 3pm. I'm the last to get dropped off in the car pool so I get home about 3:45-4pm. I use the weekends to try and catch up on sleep and homework. I have no internet at home due to back bills. So if it involves using a computer, it's back to the University to use one at the library.

I do the laundry whenever he lets me(He says I can't do it right). When that happens I have to get a taxi go half way across town to a laundromat he thinks is clean enough to do it in. There is a closer one, but he gets made about it. It takes about an hour.

When there is some dishes to wash, I do them. But with 0 food in the house there is no real dish problem. But if there are at less 2 glasses in the sink he gets mad about all the dishes stacking up.

As for the clothes in bags, I have no dresser and the closets are full of his clothes. The plastic boxes I bought keeps getting used for book. He seems to want all my books out of the way of the sports stuff. I ask him to set down with me and work out how and where to put it all. But he says " Just put it up! It's not rocket science!"

You are definitely better off withOUT this guy. What a complete jerk he is now. Can you imagine how bad he'll get once he "owns" you?

you'd be better off without him, imo.

:shrug:

but it sounds you really would be better off without him. If he's this controlling and critical now, I can't imagine how it would get any better if you were actually to go through with the marriage.

I noticed upthread where you said, "he just wanted a clean house." What the fuck?! Are his arms broken? Is a mop too complicated for him to figure out? And if he doesn't like the way you do laundry or thinks two glasses in the sink is two too many, there's nothing keeping him from getting off his ass and taking care of those things himself other than the fact that he's a gigantic tool. You're his fiancée, not his maid.

There are better men out there and even though it may not seem like it right now, you might feel one day that you really dodged a bullet when he decided to go. Until then, :hug:.

That's a control freak.
Sorry, take it for what it's worth.
Get your shit, go the hell home.

I gave you hugs upthread. Here are some more:
:hug: :hug: :hug:

I'm sorry you are going through this pain. Right now you need to love yourself a little more and him a little less. If you have to move in with your folks for awhile, that has to be better than what you're getting now. Please listen to everyone here. You do deserve better.

:hug:

A little.:cry:

This might seem horrible, and it is, but the silver lining is that you are finding this out now and not later. Sorry to hear about this. Give it time. Time will heal the wound.

I know it hurts now, but after reading all your posts in this thread, it seems that it would be in your best interest if he does leave. or..IIWY, I'd run as fast as I could away from him.

You deserve better you know that don't you?


:hug:

If you go and suddenly he tells you, "He made a big mistake." RUN! This guy is trouble and borderline. He with your schedule he needed to care for the majority of household stuff and shut his damn trap and be thankful you did so much to support his sorry ass. He's a loser and you can do better. If I remember correctly, he's much older. He's with a younger woman for a reason- older women don't as a rule put up with shit like that. (Trust me, I've BTDT in terms of relationships with someone much older when I was young.) Be glad there's no kids, get out, and don't look back.

Whatever it is that you have been getting out this relationship emotionally, you are lucky to have him leaving. He treats you like a doormat because you let him. He sounds passive aggressive and recognizes that he gets what he wants out of the relationship: power over someone, and that someone is you.

So, you are lucky to be able to start over and value yourself above him and any other man you may meet in the future.

All the things you have stated in this thread show red flags for a relationship that was guaranteed to fail from the start. It will be difficult changing to not let this happen to you again, and it is painful to make realizations about yourself and your choices in relationships, but learn to love yourself first rather than entering again into a relationship that demands you allow yourself to subvert yourself and your needs to another.

I have been where you are. It took me years to make the change from seeking love to loving myself first.

Not keeping a clean house? Just a lame excuse to get you to feel bad about yourself: definitely a Power Over move on his part, and you are falling for it.

He is a BULLY!

Do not let him back into your home or your life. You owe him nothing, least of all your love and understanding. If you do give him either one of these parts of yourself, he will be back in your life, and you will continue to strive to be miserable.

Best book (and it's inexpensive) that helped me change, and probably saved my life in the last ever bad relationship I was in:
The Verbally Abusive Relationship: how to recognize it and how to respond by Patricia Evans.

This book is written in simple and direct language. And, I mean it: It literally changed my life, and helped me to recognize that it was my choice to be a door mat or not, how to recognize the red flags in a relationship, and how to deal effectively with not only those and the man involved, but how to not go there in any relationship with a man ever again.

You can read some of this book and go through the initial self-check list to see if this it is for you at this link:
http://tinyurl.com/2ygyt8

Do not sit in self-pity for what is happening. You are NOT in the wrong.

Am glad you posted to share and to look for emotional support.

YOUR ARE NOT IN THE WRONG IN THIS SITUATION!

Let him go and be a bully and an asshole elsewhere. Life is too short and precious to try to make someone else happy when you give up your personal happiness and self love to do so.

You will NEVER be able to make him happy. He is a bully.
You can not make him change.
You can change your choices and your life starting now.

Many :hug: :hug: :hug:
Nelly

I didn't keep a nice house. His mom had two salons in Phoenix, AZ that she worked and owned. As well as raised two girls and him, kept a magnificent house, cooked meals, and still was able to go out with his father whenever he wanted to.

All I can do is keep the house from being a total disaster and pray I can pick up some cans of soup at the store for us to live off of for 2 weeks.

You are not at fault.

Please take the little checklist survey in the Patricia Evans site that I gave you.

You are not at fault.

If housekeeping by the woman were the basis for every relationship to work out well, then there would be A LOT of really shitty relationships out there.

Do yourself a favor, and try another perspective on this from someone who absolutely has been where you are right now...and cut yourself some slack.

Please scroll down to the survey on the Patricia Evans site, and be honest in your responses.
Please take a moment to see that you are not to blame. :hug:

PS Get food for yourself. Don't keep protecting him. Don't keep giving over what you have in terms of financial and emotional resources to someone who will just find another reason to bully you.

if they never learned how to work together as a family by doing things for themselves. It's real easy to have someone else do everything but what does that say about that person who expects that?

If he won't even let you have closet space for your clothing that alone shows his selfish ways. It's not your fault no matter what kind of saint he thinks his Mom is. He's attempting to demean you and control you. Don't let him do that to you.

by any definition

it is just that his good stuff gets in the way. You see he wants all the sweat shirts hung up to as well a certain ones of his T-shirts. We really don't have the room for them all to be hung up. thats where the boxes come in. but without him letting me know what stuff can go in the boxes of his, I can't really do much with the majority of the close. It's stupidly complicated!

He won't let you know what can go in the boxes, but yet he wants it picked up. I suspect if you just went ahead and boxed things up he'd complain because it's not what he wants in the boxes.

If he really wanted a "clean" house, he'd be willing to communicate with you what he'd like in boxes..or else he'd do it himself.

Seriously - "I didn't keep a nice house." makes it sound like we're still living in the 50's where a woman's value was based on how well she kept the house. Women are valued now for their intelligence, their strength, their compassion - in a word - themselves.

Listen to people here - you are being bullied and abused. Get out now and stop believing all the bullshit this guy is telling you. You are valuable. You have to learn and believe that.

he wants a house he can bring friends and potential bosses. That means nice house, nice cloths, well stocked kitchen and bar. And a woman that can keep up. Apparently I'm not!

He needed you to financially support him, to clean house, to provide a roof over his head, and he puts YOU down?

His life is out of control. HE is out of control. HE IS A BULLY!



Those who seek to control others are those most out of control in their own lives.

You can take that statement to the bank, babycakes. It's the ultimate truth. :hug:

And I don't mean substance abuse, either.

He probably models his relationship after his parents; how do his mother and father interact? Does his father provide? Or use mom as a doormat?

But she was the one with the mind for money. My Ex does to. That is the one thing he did get from her. All his looks came from his dad. She was his fathers lull. He could rant and rave, she would just set there and wait for it to blow over and then get him to start thinking rationally.

Is that really what you want to be? Do you want to be "judged" but how well you keep your house or by who you are as a person?

Stop making excuses for him.

Get out, unless it's a slave you want to be.

:hug:

my husband would have been gone a loooooooooong time ago. I'm a slob. Is the dust building up? Sure is. But that's because I've taken 15 girls from 12 to 16 out camping. Floors need scrubbed? Yep. But the dogs need to go to the park and they'd just track more sand in.

Books all over the place. You bet. And the dh comes in to remind me that the annual library book sale is going on and see how much money we can spend on books...for me.

It'll be 34 years in Feb. He's always known that if he wants a 'clean' house, he'll have to do it himself. If that was the basis for our relationship, I don't think it'd have lasted 3 months, let alone over 30 years.

It has helped me today.

:hug:

PM if you want to share more.

Many :hug: :hug: :hug: as you move on with your life.

:hug: :hug: :hug:

I know you'll hear this a million times, but I'm going to say it too...

it really is better you find out now. Much, much, much better than marrying the wrong person. :hug:

:grr: :grr: :grr: :nuke: :nuke:

Don't let him leave under his own willpower, give him your heel in his ass.

Lady Freedom, really... you'd be better off with out him. Heas a deadbeat controlling asshole who will eventually beat you down if you stay with him. That wanting you to go ACROSS TOWN to do the laundry? :wtf: That's just insane.

If he wants the housework done to his exact specifications, he can hire a maid... if he can afford it.

Seriously, kick the loser to the curb.

Sorry for your broken heart but better that now than a lifetime of demeaning and debilitating treatement.

:hug: :hug: :hug:

:pals: :hug:

I'm sorry that he's an ass. I'm sorry that he's hurting you this way. I'm sorry for the stress you must be going through. I'm sorry that he's looking for a servant instead of a wife. :(

:hug:
You don't deserve any of that. I hope you can build a much, much better life without him.

My dad was like this to my mom and it only gets worse. She eventually left him after 30 mostly crappy years. I hope things work out for you...

from the situation you describe, it sounds like it would be better for your financial health, mental health, emotional health and physical health if this relationship were ended and ended now. I know what it's like to marry a man earning a lot less than I do, to be the responsible party for all the bills, buying my own engagement ring, to supporting him for 7 years because he didn't like working and since we were thinking of adopting a child and having him stay home with her until she went to school, he needed to see if he could handle not working. He handled it very well and when I told him a few months ago that he needed to get a job because the kid was now in school full time and I needed help financially, he got mad. He's finally found a job with the school department as a substitute food service worker. And he did say that any pay he gets now through December will be for food, but that after that he wants his pay for his stuff, i.e. train models at several hundred dollars a pop, and target shooting with his Civil War reenactment group buddies. I am seriously thinking about divorce, which I know will devastate my daughter since she adores her father, but I can't afford him any more. I get the same things about laundry, cooking and cleaning and I'm out of the house 12 hours a day. Don't make the mistake that I did. I saw the warning signs and ignored them because I though he'd change when we had a child. He didn't and I'm paying now - literally and figuratively. Much energy to you and your situation and for making the best decision for you.

CELEBRATE!!! :party: :toast: :bounce:

You have been given an AMAZING gift -- FREEDOM! The Universe has just made it clear that YOU DESERVE BETTER!!!

Please *DON'T* take his leaving personally -- there were many options that could have been explored if your housekeeping skills are/were considered inadequate for his lifestyle. Here are just a few off the top of my head:

1) He could have done it himself (but might have been resentful about turning into the maid since you have different standards of "acceptable" mess);

2) He could have *hired* a maid (but might not be able to financially afford it, which makes him feel like an inadequate provider);

3) He could have worked out some kind of "equitable trade-off" for either his or someone else's services in cleaning if you are unavailable (but might not be creative enough to think of such a solution); or

4) He could have learned to live with it (but might not *want* to live like that, and see's the situation as being "forever hopeless").

The bottom line is that housekeeping is obviously Super Important to him, but the situation showcases a major flaw in the relationship skills the two of you have in the "working out tough stuff" department. You folks hadn't even apparently started "discussing" the reality of GETTING married (a ring, a date, wedding plans, reception, etc.) so unfortunately, it sounds like the commitment implied by "fiance" was fictional. You were basically "roommates with benefits" instead of "two people committed to being together for the rest of our lives, who *will* find a way to make sure Our Needs are being met in both the long and short term."

You need to get an education; its a short term pain/long term gain thing. You also need a spouse who can financially provide for you and your children in the event of a disaster -- like being put on bedrest during childbirth, hospital stays if your baby(ies) come early (seriously, do you *want* to worry about being homeless if you have an infant in the NICU and you "have" to go to work, or your going to lose your place to sleep versus staying with your seriously ill child?), etc. The flip side, of course, is that you also need to be able to "take care of business" if "something bad" happens with him -- do you want to lose your house if he gets into a car accident and has to be hospitalized for a couple of months?

You picked poorly. Maybe he was fun. Maybe he made you feel "special". Maybe you felt comfortable because he COULDN'T leave when you were the one taking care of him. Either way, he doesn't sound like an equal partner -- he kind of sounds like a whiny leech. He is worried about his "short term comfort" (a clean house) instead of the long term gain (more money for the family).

You have narrowly dodged a bullet. You could have made a lifetime commitment to this guy, and given him babies before his inability to work through "easy" problems had him bolting for the door during one of life's more challenging times, then spent the rest of your life fighting over child support, the values you want your children raised with, and what "commitment" really means.

Get down on your knees, sing praises to the Universe for saving you, and remind yourself how lucky you really are. Have some ice cream, if it makes you feel better, but remember to Be Grateful. Its nothing personal about him (and I'm sure you'll miss the good times with him), but honestly, you can obviously do better -- you need a best friend/lover to journey through life with, and this guy is sadly not "the one."

So next time, vet the boyfriend a little better. You want A PARTNER, not a parasite. Sure it feels good to be able to "help" but for heaven's sake, open your eyes to the point where you become An Enabler, and stay away from the obvious alcoholics, okay?

Take this as an opportunity to TRADE UP. You *totally* deserve it.

And again, CONGRATULATIONS! The ego sting of his "rejection" will fade as you learn to rejoice in the happiness that is coming your way soon with a Quality Man.

The ultimate revenge is living better than you could have with him. Savor it!

:woohoo:

...he doesn't have an excuse. Let him tidy up for a while.

Seriously. He sounds like a boob. I'm sorry you have to go through this. :hug:

SCREW HIM and tell him not to let the door hit him in the ass on the way out!!

You should be celebrating that he announced this, not crying!!

He saved you from a life of brow beating and sorrow!! Good!!

:hug:

Move on and make a mess in the living room!!! :P

and enjoy your animals. You've been worked over by an expert and need time to heal. I'm so sorry you're hurting right now, but it will get better.

I'll be fine.

had to put up with them 8 hours a day and I had a wonderful family at home. They still did a lot of damage and I'm still recovering. Guys like this are not right, but they are skilled manipulators. It wouldn't be your fault if you got decked by the world heavy weight champion; same thing here.

and you know it.

You need to get over the feeling that you are the one to blame.

You are not at fault.

You ARE somebody even without him in your life, and you are a stronger person with some wisdom, some hindsight, and better tools in your toolbox not let this happen ever again in your life.

I know it's painful. I know it's difficult to see and/or think clearly when you're in the midst of all this. Am simply offering you the outside support that you are not alone, and that you can move on in your life without this bully.

Hope you did take the Patricia Evans' survey, and maybe even scrolled down to read about Power Over.

Please do not allow him to be your mind, your perception of yourself. Look in the mirror. It is yourself that you must deal with and live with through and after this.

Please know that you are not alone. Please know that you can have a much happier life, especially without him and other men like him.

You can have a messy house. It's OK. You can have a messy house AND be happy AND actually have someone in your life who will not rate you based on your housekeeping skills.

You can have a happy life without someone who will seek to emotionally destroy you in order to control you.

You are a worthy person.

The job you do is worthwhile, if only for yourself.

Get rid of the bully, and learn to not bully yourself anymore. It takes time, but the first step is to cut out the current bully in your life.

I grew up being bullied by my father and brothers. My perception of self for so long was about how to be happy BECAUSE I made the man in my life happy. I learned that was bullshit. I chose to change that for good, and although it took time and a few more mistakes along the way, I have learned and grown. It was painful. It was lonely at times. It is wonderful now to be in that place in my life where I judge myself ONLY by my standards, and by no one else.

You are in pain, but you are not alone. So many here have already offered you advice that boils down to this: Lose the loser. And, like me, no doubt, they also have had some experience in situations/relationships that are less dissimilar to yours than you may realize.

We here for you. Get through this. We'll still be here as you go through your changes. :hug:

I use to say that they didn't listen or they were insensitive to my feelings. But with "him" It's different. I feel that could have, should have done more. If I was better and listen to what he need/ wanted everything would be fine. Why can't I just chalk it up to fate and move on. I use to be up and going in a day after a breakup,now...

Because he's been eroding your sense of self the whole time you've been together. I'll tell you just how it's gone;

You get dressed up to go out, you know you're looking good. He says 'Is that what you're wearing?' with a slight frown on his face and then 'well, you look ok'.

You refuse to lay out of work to do something he wants to do. He accuses you of not caring about him. You lay out of work to do something he wants to do. He bitches because your paycheck is short.

You hear things constantly like 'are you going to wear your hair like that?', 'are you gaining weight?', subtle putdowns but regular. Constant enough that you start to wonder if maybe he's right. And after a while you don't wonder any more, you 'know' he's right and that you'll never be good enough for him. Or anybody.

The best thing you can do now is GET MAD. Throw a temper tantrum. You DON'T deserve to be treated like that. It'll take you a while to believe it but it's true. And anger is more than justified.

:thumbsup:

Hell I am in a wheelchair and I help my wife clean the house.



Kick his ass to the curb.

If he can't pull his weight around the house and treats you badly---help him pack and move on. There's some great guy out there who would appreciate you much more and be a real benefit to you.

Has he packed anything yet? Has he actually left the building?

Really...am wondering...

Am wondering mostly becuase you also posted later on in this thread that you will be looking to figure out how to feed both of you...sounds like BS from him, more bullying through threats, and he is still there to emotionally strip and cook you.

So...is he still there? Has he made any move to get his things out of your place?

Don't be sad...get mad. Toss his things out. Or, are you afraid of him? Am asking this in all seriousness. :hug:

the Landlady to get his name off the lease today. That he can leave without having any debt behind to haunt him. I told that was fine with me. I could be out by the first. I will make arrangements to pay all bills under my name and only my name. He got real huffy at me about saying that.

Of course he got huffy...he wants you to feel bad.
Ignore him.

So, since he's having his name taken off the lease today and paying bills on the 16th (or 17th), is he already packing up his stuff?

Has he actually called the landlady? Are you going to call the landlady (today?) and let her know you are leaving by the 1st? (you said you can leave by then)

...take back control of your life. Don't wait for him to make all the moves first, dearheart. :hug:

Seriously, you are dodging a bullet by getting this guy out of your life. He sounds like an abusive loser, and YOU ARE WORTH MUCH MORE!!

:hug:

I'm sorry you've gone thru this loss. You deserve more consideration.

He tell me that MSSU isn't a real University due to our Division 2 sports standings. How Most people won't take my Degree seriously.

You can get a good education at a LOT of schools that don't have the premier price tag. It's 90% what you put in it anyway. A year from now you'll be glad that he flaked out. Right now it just sucks, of course. In the big picture, I imagine he flew the coop for issues other than what he was talking about.

Us guys are like that.

:wtf:

He's full of shit.

Good riddance. What a LOSER.

a few hugs. :grouphug: :hug: :grouphug: :hug:

Hang in there, take care of yourself.

do you really want to spend your life with a guy who has expectations that are unreasonable, who puts you down, compares you to his mother (yuck to that) acts like a jerk and seems to consider himself above you?

Move on. Seriously. This will not get better. There will always be more and more you will have to do to please him.

Let him go. Maybe he can find a maid to marry. :sarcasm:

I am sorry you are hurting, but staying with him sounds a whole lot worse than looking a Bush's picture in you parent's home.

Good luck to you and may you find someone who appreciates your hard work, is will to be an EQUAL partner and really loves you.

Mz Pip
:dem:

He degrades your school, your ability to keep house and so many other things. If I did that to my wife she would bounce a frying pan off my head. This guy has no respect for you. He wants a 50's house wife.


Please tell him where he can stick it, and get rid of him. If you want, I am sure there are a few guys on here(myself included) that can come on over and give him a trip to the wood shed. He sounds like he needs it.

You're a hell of a guy!

:blush:

:* :*

:loveya:

You are a real man! :D

And I expect her to respect me, and in turn I respect her. I hate guys like that, they don't deserve the women they take advantage of.

This guy is a tool and a bully and a loser who wants a servant, not a wife; and it would only get worse if you stayed together. But I think you already knew that -- you just need a little reinforcement and encouragement. So: Pour yourself a celebratory drink, kick back, and thank the Goddess that this sorry bastard is gone. Men are like buses; if you just wait around for a bit another one will come along. And certainly you can do much better. Hang in there!

He's leaving? Make sure he folds his pants at the crease when he packs up. Stand over his shoulder and insist!

That's me all over. I could not resist doing that to someone who had treated me in this manner. Thank goodness I don't have the opportunity...

Love will come to town again:).............

You should get down on your knees and thank the goddess he's leaving. Honestly, although it may not seem like it right now, you have dodged a massive bullet. I only hope he does go, and it's not another mind-game he's playing.
This guy sounds like a sociopath - he feels nothing for you, he's controlling and manipulative, he denigrates you, your school, your housekeeping, your laundry duties, your organizational abilities - whatever you do it's wrong.
You supported him while he was a jobless drunk - and he has the gall to criticise you?
Honey, start to appreciate yourself and kick his ass to the curb.
I only hope he does go, for your sake.

The Worlds Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy
"Will you marry me ?"

The guy said, "NO !"

And the girl lived happily ever after and went
shopping, dancing, camping, drank martinis,
always had a pretty clean house,
never had to cook and
farted whenever she wanted.

THE END


Count your blessings!
someone wise once said that
Living well is the best revenge.

You're better off. It may hurt now but it really sounds like you've escaped a bad situation. Take some time to work on yourself. You've certainly worked hard enough to deserve the time to yourself. You'll be happier in the long run. Good luck!

but without knowing more about your relationship and how chores are divided, I'm keeping my mouth shut.

I'm sorry that he's leaving you. I'm sure you're hurting. That sucks.

you are so busy?

to have things so-so. And I don't seem able to do things the way he wants them. Thats why he has had it with me. One time I tried to get the kitchen "SPEC", as he called it, and I ended up doing it wrong. I thought He would be happy seeing me do things like I thought he said for me to do it. No, I was doing it all wrong.

you and how you do things. Or you could take the loss, grieve and move on.

Pathetic. But good that you found out before becoming another statistic in the marriage debacle. That's why I always advocate people living together before they even consider getting married. It's minor shit like this that does it in.

but its better now than after your married...


:hug:

lost

Keep doing what you're doing. You'll soon meet someone worthy of you, I'm sure. :hug::hug::hug:

Here's the deal:

I want UPDATES with regards to this asshole dickwad leaving, meaning I wanna see it posted here when he's OFF THE LEASE, when he's PAID HIS BILLS, and when HE'S PACKED. He's got FIVE DAYS.

On Monday, November 19, 2007, if asshole dickwad fucker isn't GONE or ON HIS WAY OUT THE DOOR, I am getting my butt (and pain-in-the-butt self) on a flight to Missouri and WE will MOVE HIM OUT. I've got a frozen kosher turkey that I'll bring along and we can cook it up for Thanksgiving (I'm on my own this year)!

Do you have a best friend (not him)? If so, get on the phone with him/her ASAP and ask for help getting asshole dickwad fuckerhead out of your place. Even if "help" means just having that friend in the apartment while you deal with him. You don't have to do this alone...NOBODY can do something like this alone.

If you don't have someone in your life who can go over to your place and help you with getting dickhead out of your life, you shoot me a PM and I'll help you! I'm in California which means I'm two hours (three?) behind your time and I'm a night-owl anyway so you just cyber-holler!

This is bullshit. If this male living with you wants to dish out bullshit, he can live in a barn!

I'm very sorry your S.O. is a moron.

How much is the sponge doing to help out?

The OP spends 14 hours a day at work and school. 24 hours in a day less 14 spent at work and school leave 10 hours of personal time. 6-8 hours of that must be spent sleeping, leaving the OP only 2-4 hours of time to herself.

The sponge has an unfair and unrealistic expectation that she keep the house cleaner.

You're too good for that.

It's gonna hurt for awhile, no doubt.

I was in a 3.5 yr. relationship something like that, and when it finally ended after a few months the clouds lifted and I was feeling truly free.