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Bartender goes, "It's pretty lousy. The bar next door has a stage act and they're drawing away all my customers."
Guy says, "Tell ya what. You give me a free pitcher of beer and I'll put on a show that's guaranteed to attract record crowds."
"Record crowds? What instrument do you play."
"I don't play any instruments."
"Well, what do you sing?"
"Oh, I don't sing, either."
"Do you at least dance?"
"Nope. My feet don't move once through my entire, fantastic, spellbinding performance."
"Let me get this straight," the bartender says with a sigh, "You don't sing, you don't dance, you don't play a musical instrument... but somehow you put on a show that's guaranteed to attract record crowds. Just what the heck do you do?"
"I can fart a rousing medley of John Philip Sousa patriotic songs that would make even Pavarotti cry," the guy replies.
"Well, I got to see this," the barkeep says, and so he pours the guy a pitcher of his best lager and the customer downs it and staggers up onto the stage.
When he gets up on the stage, the man calls the attention of the few remaining drunks in the bar and announces, "Ladies and gentlemen, for your listening pleasure, I will now fart for you the 'The Stars and Stripes Forever."
With that, he turns his back to the audience, drops trow, and proceeds to dump a huge shit on the stage.
In a panic the bartender runs up on stage shouting "STOP! STOP IT NOW! What the hell do you think you're doing?"
And the guy says, "Well, even Pavarotti's gotta clear his throat first."
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