A funny Irish joke.

It's not very nice, so you've been warned.

An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him.

"So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"How did you know?" he asks.

"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

:rofl:

:yourock:

... on a Friday night. As the clock moves towards last call, he sees a guy stagger out of the bar. The guy staggers down the street, weaving back and forth like a sinking ship wallowing in a gale. The guy stumbles over a trash can, then apologizes to a parking meter for walking into it, and falls flat on his face over a sidewalk expansion joint.

Finally, the guy gets to the parking lot. He fumbles in his pocket for his keys, dropping them on the pavement before trying them in the first car. He tries all the keys, then moves to the second car and tries all the keys in that lock. Finally, on the fourth car, his key works, and he collapses into the driver's seat.

Eventually he get the car started, puts it in drive, almost hits the bar, then puts it in reverse and slowly backs out of the spot. Then he puts it in neutral, redlines the engine, realizes he missed "Drive", moves the gearshift again, and eventually gets the car out of the parking lot and onto the street.

Once the guy is on the public street, the cop hits the lights and sirens and pulls the guy over. The cop pulls the guy out of the car and procedes to give him the full battery of DUI tests.

Much to the cop's suprise, the guy passes all tests with flying colors. The forward alphabet, the reverse alphabet, walking the line, balancing on one foot, touching the nose, following the pen tip... all tests the guy passes perfectly. And there's not a trace of alcohol on his breath.

Finally, the fustrated cop turns to the guy and says "Okay, what's going on? I saw you drunk as a skunk when you left the bar!"

The guy grins at the cop and says "Officer, tonight I'm the designated decoy!"

:rofl:

In biology class, the teacher draws a cucumber on the board: "Children, could someone tell me what this is?" Billy raises his hand: "It's a cock!" The teacher, a prudish soul, bursts into tears and runs out. In a minute the principal bursts in: "All right, what did you do now? It's something new every day! Yesterday you break a window, and today...," he looks around, "...and today you draw a cock on the blackboard?"

A guy goes into a bar with his dog. They both sit on stools. The guy orders a Guinness. The dog says, "I'll have a Grolsch." The bartender is amazed. Then he thinks the guy's just a good ventriloquist. So he sends the guy to the men's room while he talks to the dog.

Turns out, Rover really IS a talking dog. Bartender is stunned. "Here's $20 - go across the street to the Silver Moon bar and order something. That guy's my most hated rival and I'd love to see him plotz when a talking dog orders a brew."

So Rover takes the money and exits. Rover's owner comes back from the men's room and gets really upset that Rover's been sent out without him. He stomps out of the bar, in search of Rover.

There, in the middle of the street, is Rover, doin' it doggie style with a strange female dog. The guy yells, "Rover! What the hell? I've never seen you do that before!"

Rover replies, "I never had $20 before."

dislexic satan worshiper..

Poor bugger sold his soul to Santa.

His enemies. :)

The notice a bottle in the water and pick it up.

Instantly a genie appears and says, "For releasing
me from the bottle you each get a wish"

He turns to the Quebecer. "What is your wish?"

"I would like to return to La Belle Provence, the
place if my birth" *POOF* the Quebecer is gone.

The genie then asks the Irishman, "What is your wish?"

"I would like to return to the Emerald Isle, the place
of my birth" *POOF* the Irishman is gone.

The Genie then turns to the Newfoundlander. "What is your wish?"

"By Jeez" the Newfie says, "I was just beginnin to enjoy them boys
company. I wish they was back here with me"


*POOF* *POOF*

"Why don't we go to the B&B like we used to do when we were young and get kinky?"

So they get to the B&B and go into the room.

Grandpa takes off his glasses and says he going to get into the shower to freshen up.

In the meantime grandma takes off her clothes and gets into bed.

She decides to do some leg stretches to limber up (it’s been awhile).

Well she throws her legs over her head and they get caught in the headboard.

Right then grandpa walks out of the bathroom and sees her.

"Dear God woman" he says, "you need to put your teeth in and comb your hair, you look like an asshole!"

Ok..... I smiled :)

:yoiks:

An old Irish man is lying in bed, very ill. His son is sitting at his bedside, expecting the end to come at any moment. The old man looks up at the boy and says, "Son, it's time for you to get me a Protestant minister."

The son is astounded. "But, Dad!" he protests, "You've been a good Catholic all you life! You're delirious. It's a priest ye be wanting now, not a minister."The old man looks up at him and says, "Son, please. It's me last request. Get a minister for me!" "But, Dad," cries the son, "Ye raised me a good Catholic. You've been a good Catholic all your life. Ye don't want a minister at a time like this!" The old man manages to croak out the words, "Son, if you respect me and love me as a father, you'll go out and get me a Protestant minister right now."

The son relents and goes out and gets the minister. They come back to the house, and the minister goes upstairs and converts him. As the minister is leaving the house, he passes Father O'Malley coming quickly through the door. The minister stares solemnly into the eyes of the priest. "I'm afraid you're too late, Father," he says. "He's a Protestant now." Father O'Malley rushes up the steps and bursts into the old man's room. "Pat! Pat! Why did ye do it?" he cries. "You were such a good Catholic! We went to St. Mary's together! You were there when I performed my first mass! Why in the world would ye do such a thing like this?" "Well," the old man says as he looks up at his dear friend. "I figured if somebody had to go, it was better one of *them* than one of *us*."

I like that one even more. :D

:rofl:

breaking two teeth and causing grotesque swelling over my right eye. Wasn't very funny at the time. Fuckin' Irish carbombs!

Sister Brigid was teaching her young students one day and she asked each of them what they would like to be when they grew up. She came to a little girl who responded, "When I grow up I want to be a prostitute." Shocked, good Sister Brigid fainted on the spot. Her students rushed to revive her. When she came around, Sister asked the little girl, "What did you say you wanted to be when you grew up?" The little girl replied, "A prostitute." "Oh thank goodness," the relieved nun replied "I thought you said a Protestant."

nt

Patty O'Brian was at the pub, as usual. He had a pretty bad day and was there much later than usual. After several pints, and a few shots of whiskey, the bartender leans over to him and says " Hey, Patty...I thought you were planning on spending the evening with your wife tonight, being it's your anniversary, and all that ". Alarmed, Patty looks at his watch and exclaims " Oh no!! I've lost track of time, she'll kill me"! So patty stumbles out to his car, ignoring the other patrons pleas to drive him home. He starts the car and floors the pedal. As soon as he nears the first bend, however..he sees a tree directly in front of him, he swerves out of the way to avoid it, only to find another tree directly in his path. He swerves around that tree and finds yet ANOTHER tree seemingly just a few feet away. He swerves out of the way and brings the car to a screeching halt. At that time, he sees the lights flashing from a police officers vehicle in his rear view mirror. He recognizes the approaching officer as Michael Collins, an old friend of his. Officer Collins rushes up to the drivers side door and says "Patty....PATTY, are you OK"? Patty turns and says, "Oh, Michael...it was horrible. I was just driving home and all of a sudden I kept seeing these trees coming at me from everywhere", but every time I tried to avoid them, another one was there in its place"! Officer Collins shook his head, grabbed Patty by the arm and said "No,Patty.....NO..that was just your air freshener"!!

:rofl:

OMG

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

choking on my beer. Glad you liked it! :D

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too. I didn't know we had a choice."

paddy englishman, paddy irish man and paddy scots man were taking a walk on the beach when paddy scots man stubs his toe on something hard. after pulling it out of the sand paddy scotsman sees that its a lamp and with a quick rub of his sleeve, out pops a genie.

"well" says the genie "seeing as there are three of ye here and i can only give there wishes, one each you shall have and paddy scotsman, seeing as you found me and set me free from my lamp, you shall have the first wish"

"lovely" says paddy scotman "i have always wanted to be richer than the richest man in the worlds history" and *bang* with that there was a bank card in his hand and is informed by the genie that there was a billions at his disposal.

"padddy englishman, what is it you wish for"

"well" he says "im sick to death of all these bloody irish and other bastards coming into my country and im sick to death of all my fellow englishmen leaving england for foreign shores" "so what i would like is for all my fellow english men to come home and all those foreigners to get out and a thousand foot wall all the way around england so as nothing can get in and nothing can get out"

"wow" says the genie
"are you sure about that one

"of bloody course im sure"

"alright then" and *bang* theres his wall.
"paddyirish man, what is it you would wish for"

"hold on a minute now" says paddy irish man
"let me get this straight, a thousand foot wall, all the way around england, nothing can get in, nothing can get out?????"

"thats correct" says the genie

"......by jaysus, fill it up with water then"

and *bang*

"Brace yerself, Brigid."

...a potato and a six-pack...

:hide: