Year in review ... "Thanks to the Internet"

SUMMARY OF MY LAST YEAR ON THE COMPUTER

I have to scrub the top of every can I open.

I don't have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is
about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

In fact I don't h ave any money at all, but that will change once I receive the
$15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in
their special e-mail program.

I don't have to worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out
for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish. Or could it have
been those prayer wheels I was told to forward to prove my religiosity.

I now appreciate Andy Rooney and George Carlin for their insight into what it
takes to be a good or bad American.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks
with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water
buffalo on a hot day

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers get answered only if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a
serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products
are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on the cans.

Also, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I don't use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave
anymore since it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with
an infected needle.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume
sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American
troops or the Salvation Army.

I don't answer the phone anymore because someone will ask me to dial a number
for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and
Uzbekistan.

I don't have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their
recipe.

I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is
lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my rear-end.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I find in a parking
lot because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can't drive my car anywhere now because we're no longer supposed to buy gas
from any gas stations.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes,
a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM today, and the
fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I
know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door
neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day

I think I received every one of those chain e-mails at some point during the year too