Not being able to express how much you love someone sucks ... I need to vent.

Its 2008 and I can't believe that I am still feeling this way about one guy. And I am mad at myself because the more I feel that I love him,I push him away because I am afraid of rejection. I over analyze everything he says and does because I have my guard ready to fight in case he hurts me. I have'nt had positive relationships with men at all in my whole life : my grandfather walked out on my family when my mom and her siblings were younger, my biological father walked out on my mom when she 18 years old and pregnant with me (all I know is his name), my stepfather used to abuse me mentally I was growing up. And the first person I trusted with my heart who I also married, kicked the shit out of me and bruised me up when I was living with him far away from my real family in Germany ... I don't hate men,its just hard for me to trust them because I see a pattern ... and I want to break that pattern.

The thing about this guy I currently have feelings for is that 2 years ago we broke up ... and it hurt. We spent the rest of 2006 apart. But something in 2007 happened and he really changed ... for the better and all of the feelings came back. But we became better friends ... but now that the feelings are back I want to run far away because I know he does'nt feel the same way and I just want to run.If I feel gooey inside while I am around him, I cause fights over the the smallest shit and end up fucking everything up. I feel mental. I put him ignore just to try to move on because I don't know if we will ever be together again and I don't want to waste my life wishing on a star.

Am I the only woman who has been through this shit ? or am I really just crazy.

I am going to stop obsessing over everything and just let things be. If its not broke I am not going to try to fix it ...

End of venting.

If I told the particular young lady in question of my feelings, that would just drive her away because she doesn't want a relationship (in general). I wouldn't say it's distracting me from pursuing other interests, but it's on my mind and I can sympathize with you that it's no fun. I keep hoping that she'll move out of her isolation and maybe something will just happen, but any concerted move on my part would be self-destructive. I definitely understand what you're talking about.

I don't want to run away because what if he really does want something but does'nt know how to say it. When he tells me "I like kissing you" I just melt but at the same time I fear that he is taking my niceness for weakness. Or maybe he just wants to grow and be sure. Its just hurting me because I don't want to waste my life you know.

:cry:

They hooked me up with free counseling through the battered women's shelter in my area (I was not in the shelter but United Way had me contact them to get counseling) - this was a good 20 years ago but as of 4 years ago they still had this program. The counseling was group, not individual, but it was incredibly helpful for me - my background is somewhat similar to yours.

I eventually married, he was a wonderful husband until we had a car accident and he suffered some brain damage. Now he's an evil asshole, through no fault of his own, and I might have to divorce him out of self defense. -- Thanks to that counseling I know abusive when I see and and am no longer willing to make excuses for it - and I know I deserve to be happy and comfortable in my own home.

Anyways, I hope it's something you'll consider -