You know what?

You didn't know my husband either (most of you). You only knew what I wrote about him. And yet many of you supported us when he died. Even though you didn't "know him". You knew of him. And you were kind. When my daughter was ill, again you were kind. I had pretty much stayed away from here for various reasons. One of them is that I cannot take flippant remarks (or those that think they are being flippant) as flippant anymore. They wound. Just yesterday somebody joked about needing a plastic sheet because life was that bad and he/she would be better off dead. From early news reports, it becomes apparent that Heath Ledger was in charge of his own passing. And that day, August 26th, came roaring back to the forefront of my life...as it does whenever I read of someone's passing, famous or non. My husband wasn't famous and yet you cared. So you said. And, as so often happens, some wanted to know what happened. And rumors were passed around. My husband suffered over something ridiculous and easily fixed and, in a moment of insanity, he shot himself. No he was not insane. He was not even depressed. Or even on drugs. His father twisted his sense of honor and family. End story. Every morning I get up with the words from his phone call to me ringing in my ears. Every day I replay those last three days over. We were happy. He went to the store. And then he died. And left me wondering a million and a half things...because that is what suicide does to those left behind. Remember this, as you say you don't "know" Heath, that a celebrity's death is fodder for gallows humor, etc, he was a human being, and a decent one at that. When I think of him I think of a man who did much for the GLBT community- I think of him as I saw him (I am a proud People subscriber) in pictures-his daughter on his shoulders. She lost her buddy, much as my son lost his best buddy on earth. I am sick. Really fucking sick. It is why I had asked for my account to be turned off a few months ago, because I cannot fucking stand frivilous attitudes just because "hey, it's not me or mine". Go for it. Why don't you go ahead and make fun of my husband? He deserves it because, after all, you didn't really know him.

I love and appreciate those of you who have been honest in your concern, unending in your care. But one asshole has so much power to turn my stomach and my heart these days. Days when it's a struggle to not pick up a bottle of OTC pills myself... when I stop refilling my standing script for painkillers because I'm not sure that I always trust myself.

Funny thing, Heath Ledger reminded me a lot of my husband. And no one expected this from my husband either.


Disclaimer: Yes, I see a counselor, as do my children...and we attend bi monthly gamily grief support meetings and I am active on an SOS board. But, it doesn't change a thing really. It's about attempting to survive something when you really don't want to.

:hug: :hug: :hug:

You know I've got your back, sweet girl. :hug:

:cry: :hug:

:hug:

no words

:hug: :hug: :hug:


I feel for you.

:hug:
I agree with you..
I felt the same way when Steve Irwin died.
People are quick to stomp on graves and it is bullshit.

:hug:

I don't know what is wrong with people -- how they can be so heartless and cold. The first thing I thought of when I heard of Heath Ledger's death was his little girl. She is never going to understand what happened to her Daddy.

I am so sorry for your loss, MrsGrumpy. Please don't judge DU based on a few idiots -- there are a lot of great people here who really care.

I can't even imagine how hard all of this has been for you so I won't insult you by pretending that I do. I do know that you and your daughter have a lot of really good people here who care about you. I bet you have even more IRL.

I'm also sorry some people feel the need to be so insensitive as to joke about or even celebrate the deaths of others. They need to realize that every remark of that nature always hurts someone.

:hug: :hug: :hug:

:hug:

We need you around, Laura.

My brother committed suicide as well and I have some understanding of how deeply those comments can hurt.

Thank you for having the courage to share your pain. I think only when we speak out about such taboo subjects that the light will shine on them and we can gain true understanding.

For me, speaking out and trying to make a difference is the only was I've found to make sense of such a senseless tragedy. May your voice and courage help to bring you peace in time.

Two former students at my school have committed suicide in the last 18 months... I didn't know either of them but it had a huge impact on everyone.

I'll never understand why people do things like this.

:hug:

http://www.suicidepreventionhelp.com/

I don't think anyone's death is a matter to laugh about, or joke about, or make fun of. Doesn't matter if they are famous or not. It's sad, and that death hurts the people who knew and loved them. People who do and say those unkind/awful things turn my stomach too.

:hug:

:hug:

I had no idea of the specifics. I'm sorry.

:hug:

many otherwise caring and compassionate people seem to lose that ability when it doesn't directly affect them. I don't think anyone is completely immune from it, but some take the step back and realize that *everyone* is somebody's parent/spouse/best friend. Everyone's life is valuable and death is always a tragedy, regardless of the circumstances that surround it.

I know you don't know me, but I read your blog almost daily. I don't comment because I don't really know what to say. But I want you to know that you're stronger than you think you are. Honestly. You and your family are always in my thoughts.

:hug:

We love you so much. I know it doesn't help, but I'll tell you anyway.

:loveya:

:hug:

People can be heartless and self-centered. You've offered us a heart-breaking reality check -- so thank you. My deepest condolences -- and hopes and thoughts of healing -- to you and your son.

Love, Sally

:hug:

I am so sorry. And I HATE it when the scold come out in times like this.

"Just because I can" seems to be the default excuse for so much ugliness around here lately, and it's revolting. I think most of us are really sick of it.

Big, big hugs for you and the kids. :loveya:

"...any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind."

:hug:

John Donne, "For whom the Bell Tolls"

You're absolutely right.

:hug:

:hug:

if you ever need to talk
PM me and I will send you my phone number

or you send me yours......

I am so sorry.......
your right
we had no idea......


and Heath's death is tragic...

his daughter is so young...


:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:


I can't understand.........

lost

:hug:

I am so sorry for your loss(es), as I know what it is like to lose those who we are very close to.

Hold on to those you have, and those beliefs you have.

I wish you the best.

words mean something. Thank You for teaching us all......

I'm so sorry that Heath Ledger's death has brought back such painful associations for you.

Celebrity death is a strange subject. In our society, celebrities are both more and less than human. We elevate them onto superhuman pedestals and focus all our dreams and envies on them, to the extent that many celebrities have to lock themselves behind high walls and hire large security details to keep them safe from our intentions. We reflect everything we want to be onto them, expecting them to be something no mere human can ever be.

Yet we also treat them in ways it would be unthinkable to treat a dog. We revel in their disasters and misfortunes. We laugh at their deaths, particularly if those deaths are violent or tragic. It's as if we hate ourselves for needing these people so desperately and for the way their lives make ours seem small by comparison. So, just as we reflect our dreams onto them, we reflect our self-hatred too. When they die, we laugh and say "See, they were just another loser schmuck like me. They were nothing special. All that money and they weren't happy." And we feel a little better about our one-bedroom-apartment-beater-car-tv-dinner lives.

Celebrities are our catharsis, our vestal virgins, our sacrificial lambs. We invest them with greatness, so that their fall seems all the more "significant". They live big lives and die big deaths in our name.

The cult of celebrity, both the adulation and the schadenfreude, is a glaring symptom of our inner sickness.

"Entertain me!"

"Tell me about yourself!"

"I want pictures of you!"

"You cried? Oh give me a break. You have money!"

"You drank/did drugs/was destructive? Tut-tut. Those celebrities have it 'so easy.' They don't deserve any support."

"You're depressed? Oh grow up! You have looks and money - what do YOU have to be depressed about?"

"You got a divorce? Oh there must be something WRONG with you!"

And then they ignore the fact that many non-celebrities suffer the same issues; and yet somehow, a celebrity doing this is especially egregious. Like a misbehaving puppy, we scold and berate the celebrity for "acting out of character."

People are duplicitous, selfish, and full of shit.

Note my sig.

~Writer~

....sending you...Nicole and James much love and peace. :hug: :loveya:

On every forum. Often to the most vulnerable. It sickens me. I see life and death every day now (I often get to do things at work like bring mothers their stillborn babies, send people home to die in hospice) and I barely post because I don't have the time or energy for any more cruelty toward other humans. I can't post much of anything personal anymore because my heart can't stand how shitty I've felt when so often in the (now years) past on DU (with much smaller things than what you went through), some people have taken things of meaning to me, laugh, and twist them back into my heart. What happens with the way people act toward celebrity tragedy is only symptom of a much larger, crueler picture.

I empathize and I'm sorry. I know you probably don't feel strong, but you have so much courage. You're an amazing woman who doesn't even begin to deserve the heartache you've been through.

And I think there are a few people who have posted in this thread who should consider the same.

Sometimes people can be horribly insensitive -- they make what they think are just clever, snarky wisecracks, usually about some celebrity's misfortune, without thinking about how much pain they might be inflicting on others who aren't so famous. Sometimes we forget celebrities are real people like everybody else, and that non-celebrity people have the same problems and can relate to their troubles. We should all be more mindful of how important it is to feel compassion for everyone and just stop being assholes.

:hug:

:hug:

This place has been pretty rough lately, and I hate what you've had to go through these last months. :hug: I wish you and your family the best, and take care of yourselves.

You are an angel among us! :hug:

I was your daughter's age when I lost my father.
:hug:

Christ, I wish there was something I could do to help you feel better.

Redstone

I don't comment, but I'm there. Just wanted you to know I am another stranger out here supporting you with love. There are a lot of us, I think. My best to you and the kids.

:loveya:

I didn't know what happened to MrGrumpy. And honestly his being gone is hard no matter how it happened, but harder for you because you will always ask "why?"

I always say this, and it's always true... I have no words of wisdom, and I'm pretty sure that there are no words that I can utter to make you feel better.

But I have to add, that I wish there were something I could say. I wish there were something I could do.

Please know that I hurt for you and your family, and that if there is anything you need, you can count on your DU family to do their best to get or do it for you.

:hug:

:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

hard to write, Mrs. G., but thank you for doing so. I am so sorry for your loss, however it happened. And I feel nothing but sorrow for Heath, and anyone else who dies tragically and too soon.

But anyway - I have a sister whose first comments out of her mouth are cruel and snarky, though she's not like that at all. There are some major assholes out there, but my sister just uses it to deflect pain or thought or discomfort (by causing it in others, often). Not excusable, but I understand shitty comments more just because of her behavior. Who knows why anyone is cruel?

I imagine your grief must be huge, and many days a struggle. I am very glad to see you back here, though, and I hope you know you and your kids are loved here.

And I hope you have the time and space away from such things to heal. :hug:

Laura, I don't know if there's anything I can say in response to this post...it is very powerful and obviously heartfelt, and I hope people might learn something from it. :hug: (I'm not saying that to be sanctimonious, either - I myself have much to learn.)

I think people often assume that people who seem to "have their lives together" or whatnot don't suffer the pain, the fear, the despair, and the self-doubt that plagues everyone from time to time. Sometimes, I think those who seem the most "together" struggle with these issues the most - maybe it's because of the pressure to put on a cheerful front and seem "normal" for those who expect it of them, I don't know. What I do know is that I have been on the brink myself, and if it were not for the absence of any medications or other means of ending my life that night, I might not be here today. I was one of the lucky ones - I got treatment and now I'm pretty much OK, but I will never, ever forget how I felt that night, and my heart goes out to anyone who has ever suffered from the consequences of that type of pain. :hug: Peace be with you all.


Edited for clarity.

n/t

I didn't know what happened - but I understand now the level of the emotions you've been dealing with. It doesn't really mean anything, but I am so, so terribly sorry for your family.

Thank you for sharing your story. There are people who will read it and benefit by knowing they are not alone, and there are others that may gain some perspective on something they have no experience with. You are an incredible woman, and your husband was an incredible man. I have nothing but the utmost respect for your family - and I wish peaceful healing for you.

:hug:

I am so sorry you and your family have to go through this. :hug: I so wish I can do something to make it all better. But all I can do is send my love and hope you and your family have the strength to get by each day. :hug:

How people can mock death and laugh at it -- any death -- is beyond me.

I think of you so often. Kudos for telling it like it is; I know how painful it must have been.

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

:cry: I'm so sorry. I wish you and your precious family the healing and peace that comes with time. Be gentle with yourself and keep taking good care....Don't let the unconscious assholes of DU bring you down. There are many here who love and support you, no matter what.

:loveya: Sending you Love and Light.... :loveya:

expressed to you my condolences for your loss. It astounds me that there are one or two posters here who have made careers on this board just being assholes to other DUers -- people like you who have the guts to be honest and open about your feelings. It just makes me sick to my stomach to know that there are people like that who are mean enough to hurt those who are already hurting so fucking much.

Three years ago my first cousin drove 4 hours from her home in Raleigh, NC to our small hometown in the mountains of NC. For whatever reason, she sat in her car in the parking lot of a motel in the wee hours. She put the barrel of a revolver in her mouth and pulled the trigger. She was 36. Alice and I were never terribly close as children for bullshit family reasons(her mother was fucked up and filled her head with garbage and lies -- mean as a snake). We became buddies in high school once she figured out that her mom (my dad's sister) was full of it. She graduated a year before I did. She was brilliant. Her death really hurt and I'll never get over it completely.

I am so, so sorry for your loss. I don't know what I'd do with myself if my partner weren't here for me to lean on. For what it's worth, put the assholes on ignore, let us handle 'em. And stick around, will you? We need you here. :hug:

:hug::hug::hug:

prayers and cyber hugs

for your continued pain and the pain unthinking idiots cause you, and others. :hug:

Peace, comfort, healing and whatever positive vibes and thoughts I can extend to you and your children go out to all of you. As I've said countless times before, I'm so, so sorry. I wish I could do more to help you and your kids. I'm sorry that you've been hurt by people on this forum but please know that, for everyone who has hurt you, there are countless numbers of us here from around the globe who love and care about you and who are thre for you if you ever need us.

Once again I'm so, so sorry MrsG:hug: :hug: :hug:

only that I admire your strength :hug:

Keep hanging in there. I lost a dear friend in much the same way. There are no words that will ever explain this. There are many weeds in my lawn and I work at getting them out but new one's arrive on the winds everyday. I choose to continue to eradicate them from my lawn so that I can see my beautiful landscaped grass green and soft and fertile. My struggle continues to see my grass more than my weeds.

:hug:

So sorry you have to experience this pain time and time again.

So very very sorry.

Nothing makes me think it's funny. Even now, after years. People who haven't survived a loved ones suicide don't know the flavour of it's special pain.

Part of me wishes they could. Part of me hopes they never do. Those who behave like poopyheads tend to inspire the less noble sentiment.

but unfortunately we're not.

There was a thread a day or two ago about a manager for a subprime lender who committed suicide, and people started making statements that, out of consideration for the original post, I won't bother repeating. But I think you probably know what was said. This about a guy who left behind a spouse and two young children. A guy who was clearly tortured by the knowledge of what he had done and by what was coming. We're liberals. We're supposed to be empathetic even when we don't necessarily agree with the life and life choices of another person.

Like I said. We're supposed to be better than that.

I knew what some people would be saying.

The part that wrecks me is that I come away from this realizing that a lot of the kind messages were posted only because people knew of my husband. That consideration should be extended regardless.

It's easy to have those attitudes when you haven't been down that road yourself. It's curious that on this anonymous, electronic forum, you've managed to put a "human face" on the issue and, I'm sure, that people have grown some from your experience. All this communicating going on, yet it's so rare that we connect on a personal level.

:hug:

We have done all those things too. "Attempting to survive something when you really don't want to"

That's all I can say.

:cry:

I'm so, so sorry for what you and your children are having to go through. And sorry that some thoughtless people are making it even worse. I'm afraid there are callous jerks in every group, and sad to say DU is no different.

I hope your touching post makes them think twice before writing something hurtful again. Thank you for your courage.

:hug:

and send all healing and comfort.

:hug: :hug: :hug:
Julie

:hug:

I'm always affected when I hear of a passing especially when kids are involved. I will never forget the day that I was in a meeting with a lady and her husband concerning their child. She was very ill. She had ovarian or uterin cancer, I can't remember which. Anyhow, about half-way through the meeting, she couldn't make it and excused herself. The next day she died. That has always affected me. I can't really tell you why, but it does. I guess because I knew her child and I was one of the last ones to see her. There have certainly been other parents at my school that have passed away, but not right after seeing me.

I can only imagine your grief but I do not take it lightly in any way.

and gain some sensitivity, or at least learn when to keep quiet. :hug:

as for the person i suspect you are talking about, he is a person who mocks because if he could not laugh, he himself would cry -- he seems to me to be a person in a lot of pain (i could very well have the wrong person tho since i've missed a lot in the past few months)

i think the person is making fun to deny his own pain and it's his own way of fighting the darkness

my thought would be, block that person's comments

the internet is a place where there is so much on the shelves, you just have to take what helps you and forget the rest

and your family.

it's really sad that some people are so broken as to hurt you even further than you have been. There is something deeply, deeply wrong with their wiring.

:hug:

It hurts my heart to see you in such pain.

Much love my friend.

M.

I just found out yesterday that my uncle killed himself.

There are no words - just love.
And I love you, Mrs. G. :hug::hug::hug:

To you and your family -I'm so, so sorry:hug:

It's been a tough 24 hours. :hug:

Might he be free of suffering. Peace and comfort to you. :hug:

Your words are so kind, gentle, and comforting. :hug:

which happens in the next few minutes. Good to see you. I miss you. :hug:

all my love and so many prayers going out for you and your family and your uncle. :hug: :loveya:

my dear friend. :hug::loveya::hug:

My thoughts and prayers are with your family. What an awful loss.

We love you, too.

:hug: :hug: :hug:
Julie

Your hugs and love are most comforting. :hug::hug::hug:

two of my uncles killed themselves.

thank you so much for your posts. I haven't been able to respond, but your words resonate so deeply. In time, perhaps I can reply directly, but for now, please accept my gratitude.

Please accept my condolences.

I lost my fiance' years ago but the pain was just as real and it took a long time for me to get over it.

:hug:

:hug::hug::hug:

I am so, so sorry for your loss. I read your blog pretty regularly since you stopped posting often.

Your openness and honesty bring me hope.

~mb~

I hope you enjoy the company of Faux's John Gibson, quite possibly the most vile human being* on Earth.

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=389&topic_id=2752422&mesg_id=2752422

Way to represent DU, guys! :sarcasm: :sarcasm: :sarcasm:

And to you, MrsG,

:loveya:

P.S. A woman out here who is also in the somber sorority of grief (her grown daughter died a couple of years ago) gave me some links and even offered you (a total stranger) the opportunity to call her! She is quite intuitive (runs a psychic stall in Waikiki!); PM if interested.

Over the last several months I have grown a little tired of posters in here justifying their cruelty to other posters on DU as well as to celebrities. Society has grown to accept cruelty as the status quo, so those who wish to berate others for something as simple as a difference of opinion, or because of celebrity status, do so with impunity. It's fashionable to hate nowadays.

I never knew until now the circumstances surrounding your husband's death, and I am so very sorry that this was the way it happened. I can more than understand your need to separate from the negative and vulgar influence of online life given this. People are terrible to one another online because they think they can get away with it. But the truth is it's disgraceful. It's sad. It's undeserving of attention. If more people would divorce themselves from online life instead of jumping into the mud pit or fanning the flames, such behavior would be less accepted.

I am very sorry that all of this has affected you in such a personal way. I also was affected (more so than other celebrities) by Heath Ledger's death, and for the same reasons you describe (regarding his bravery as an actor, etc.).

So you deserve many sincere hugs from me. :hug: You don't deserve this added insult to your life. You deserve support and kindness.

And, of course, many of us will be here when you need us. :)

Take care,

~Writer~

Edit: To clarify.

Again, terribly sorry for your loss.

It doesn't make what they're doing acceptable, but feel free to hit Alert on the posts of the people making suicide "jokes." As far as I know that's still against the rules (or at least not within the spirit of the rules) here.

and your family.

I remember reading a post of yours where you were saying how you miss your husband, how
you miss just the simple every day things that you'd be doing, if he were still here.

I wrote and told you how your words touched me. At the time, I didn't know what had happened to him
but now I know that what I sensed was correct.

Just want to say I admire your strength and don't know how you do it. I hope that, starting now in 2008, nothing but good
will come to you and your son. God knows, you deserve it!:hug:

I normally just lurk here...however, suicide is an issue close to my heart. My grandmother committed suicide about a 1.5 years before I was born. I'll spare you the details, as it's very complicated. I found out about it in my 20s, and in hindsight, I could see how it affected my entire relationship with my parents...a lot of co-dependency and abuse, and way too much responsibility for a little kid to handle. On top of that, another very close family member has made several attempts, the last one was pretty damned close to successful (in a coma for a month). The pain, awaiting the outcome of that last attempt, was like waking up with a shard of glass in my heart every day.

I'm so sorry about your husband, I'm sure his death left you with a lot of unanswered questions. In my situation, I have them all of the time, particularly when it comes to the forefront of the media. Please stay strong for your children...and especially for yourself. As a survivor who is aware of the long-term effects, I beg of you ...

edited for clarity

:hug:

but time will ease the pain. Just hang on and give yourself and your family that time.

I'm sorry so many people are assholes. Truly.

:hug:

I never knew it had happened this way. I wish to hell none of it were so. You are in my thoughts. I've seen a lot of beautiful pictures of you two and read a lot of beautiful words.

Peace, Laura

:hug:

:cry: Your post is just heart-breaking.