I tried to kill myself

in August. I took 200 2.5 milligrams of Xanax. For your information - one doesn't die from a
Xanax overdose.

I woke up in the hospital when they were shoving a tube up my nose.

This is very difficult for me to post, but I want to let everyone here know that it's not shameful to have gone through this.

When I tried it, I thought it wouldn't hurt anyone. Truly. I thought my partner, my brothers, my twin sister, my parents, my friends... wouldn't think twice about it. I know, it sounds weird now.

I never wanted to hurt anybody. I thought I would relieve pain for myself and others. I was wrong.


So for those who are thinking like I was... please call somebody. Get some help. You ARE valued by others, no matter how hard it seems.

For those who have suffered from the effects of thoughts like mine, you have my deepest compassion.

For those who laugh at people like me, you can go.... well, you know how it ends.

And I am glad you are here. And thank you for being there when I really needed someone today.

we have to get past the shame of suicide. Hopefully we can stop some people from trying it.

I adore you, too.

It would lessen the pain.

:hug:

I'm glad you failed at that. I'm glad you're still here, no matter our differences.

you actually made me cry. In a good way.

PM me, i feel your pain

what made you go over the edge



:hug: :hug: :hug: :hi:

I am glad that you are here.

On Edit:

I'd like to reiterate that there is NO SHAME in talking about what you have been through. There is NO SHAME in discussing people you loved who have committed suicide.
People who are judgmental about it are SICK.

It is not shameful to have gone through it.

And the experience has most likely changed you in the most positive of ways...made you stronger, wiser, and more empathetic. :hug:

And for the many who have succeeded at this, they have left behind some of themselves for others.

:hug:

:hug:

Wow. It had to take a lot to write that. :(

You get another hug for that. :hug:

that's very nice.

Depression and suicidal thoughts run in my husband's side of the family, and my daughter suffered from this, unknown by me. She's going to therapy, taking meds, and is now pregnant with my first grandchild. She's, of course, off the meds right now, but will be continuing therapy. She just told me recently about the suicidal thoughts, and how she felt we'd all be better off without her. I can't tell you how sad that makes me, even now. I went through two bouts of cancer in the last two years, and she held back because of what I was going through. I understand, up to a point, what you've been through, and I'm glad you're still around to enlighten us!

:hug:

It took great courage to post this. Courage and compassion. You'll never know how many people you've helped by this simple act of generosity.

It gets better.

Sooner or later, it always gets better.

:hug:

:hug:

i spent three days in the psych hospital last year because i was afraid i was going to go through with it

there is nothing shameful about talking about it

it can be hard to understand if it's never touched your life

Because I tried.

i'm sorry if you felt i was belittling your experience

never crossed my mind. :hug:

:hug:

:hug: :hug: :hug:

:hug:

...words fail me. You always seem like such a funny guy, quick with a quip and/or witticism. Guess we really CAN'T always get to know the people on the other side of the computer screen as well as we'd like to.

First of all, I'm glad you're still alive. Second of all, I'm glad you're using your second chance at life to warn people with similar intentions to NOT DO IT! It's not worth the damage you'll do to your friends and neighbors in your absence.

And third, a (not-quite-so dramatic) confession--although I've never seriously thought about it, I've thought about thinking about it, in that melodramatic way we often do when we're younger and less knowledgeable about life. Since that period, I've been through some tough moments, but all in all life has gotten exponentially better in ways I never could have predicted. Ya just never know...

You just never know about life.

It means a lot to me.

It is very, very brave. :hug: And I'm REALLY glad you're OK! :pals:

I think I might have mentioned it in another thread, but I've been close to that...decision myself. I never actively tried to do anything about it, but there was one horrible day last year where the Pain took over - Pain with a capital P, because nothing before or since has compared to that kind of emotional agony - and if I'd had a gun, or some kind of gas to poison myself...well, that would've been the end. :( Logically, I realize how horribly painful that would have been to my friends, my family, and everyone else who knows me, and I think on some level I even knew that at the time. The person I usually am would never want anyone else to endure that kind of suffering, but the Pain inside of me that late afternoon overwhelmed any coherent thoughts, any sensibility, any consideration for others. All I knew was that I wanted it to stop, and at that point I didn't feel like I could separate myself from it...I needed to put an end to it, and if I had to put an end to myself in the process to be free of the Pain, then I would do it.

I remember being curled up on the bed in my dorm room, sobbing to myself, putting The Beatles' "Let It Be" into my CD player and listening to "Across The Universe," trying to escape somehow while thinking that that would be a good song to die to. If I could seal off all openings and turn on the gas (which we didn't even have - not even possible), and just lie down on my bed and listen to "Across The Universe" as I faded away, then I would finally be free.

I don't know how I got through it, how I finally came out of the Pain that had seemed to consume my entire being, but somehow I did, and I am eternally grateful for that. I got help, and, for the most part, I'm OK now - still prone to bouts of depression as I have been for the past five years or so, but leading a fairly normal life, free of suicidal thoughts; free of the Pain. But I cannot, will not, as long as I live, forget how it felt that afternoon when it seemed to take over my soul, and I do understand. I have been there and it is a scary place, and I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy. I know there are people who can't or won't or simply don't understand what it's like to be on the edge of that abyss, and I fully hope they never have to experience it. :hug: Peace.

Please don't ever hurt yourself.

:hug: but I can promise you that I will never try anything like that again. :pals: I've been through some hard times, emotionally speaking, but I think the worst is behind me (knock on wood) and that I'm planning to hang in there for a long time. :hug: You do the same, OK? :grouphug:

You make DU what it is, when it is good.

You are my dear friend. You make me smile every day that you post.

I wouldn't be here if you were not.

If you weren't on earth, earth would be poorer.

I love you.

I love you too, Maddy!

Many people have these thoughts, you are not alone.

I know this post has helped other DU'ers.:hug:

and done for purely unselfish reasons.

Bless you, MonkeyFunk.

And thanks for posting this for others that might feel the same. :hug:

I tried to reach out to him but he would'nt listen. He felt much as you did. He felt WE would be better off.
He was 44, one year older than I. He was the closest thing I had on this earth. We went through so much together. We were raised in a foster home from the time I was 2 years old and although we had a very loving home and family, much of our lives we felt that all we had was each other. I miss him. He was a very large part of me. One week after he was buried (jan 5, 2008) was the 2 year anniversary of our mama's death. Till now I thought that her death was the hardest thing I had been through. But this was much different. She was old and it was her time. Our whole family was with her ( except my brother) when she died, she went very peacefully. He was alone on a freezing night in the woods when he died. This was not supposed to happen. I am having a very difficult time with this. Every time I close my eyes, I only see him in that tree. I am having a difficult time focusing at work. I honestly do not know how to handle this. He was my big brother, my protector, but I could not protect him when he needed me to. I really think I need help.

The man I thought of as Superman thought he was a burden. In leaving this way he has left a burden of what ifs, should haves, and whys...

His son cries himself to sleep
His daughter graduates without him

and his wife is left to face a future without him.
His coworkers still call to cry.
His family crushed.

It just isn't, and won't ever be, worth it.

you know I love you to no end... and this is why I posted this ridiculously painful thread.

Maybe it'll help one person. That's my hope.

:hug: :loveya:

I was close once. I had a suicide plan. For five days.
It is impossible to understand the darkness. It makes no sense. In looking back more than 15 years, it was what most would say, over nothing. Yet it was overwhelming to me. For what ever reason, it is what people think. Often the pain of the darkness envelops us. All we want is to stop the pain. That is why. No one is to blame.
......... Stuart.

:hug: That is all I can give you, but I hope you can find healing and peace. Please reach out for help. There are many free grief counseling programs all over the country.

I don't even know what to say...

nothing I say can relieve your pain.

You have my greatest sympathies.

:hug: My thoughts are with you and your family, and although it may sound trite, please remember there is no shame in seeking help to deal with this. Nobody should have to go through a situation like that alone, and I wish you peace and strength. :pals:

:hug:

and feel the need to do so.

Have you contacted Social Services where you live? It's so important that you make it priority to find
someone who can help you through this difficult period in your life. Please don't ignore it, but reach out
to someone who can help.

Sometimes just putting it into words can help you see your way clear.

I'm keeping you in my thoughts and wishing you strength!

i can't imagine what you're going through

here's a link that might help you find a support group
http://www.survivorsofsuicide.com/

:hug:

I found him in our shed. he had no previous attempts that we know of
My family has done all the "right " things. Talked, therapy, meds. I could go on and on.
Everyone is better... but not me. I miss my son. I want to be able to close my eyes without seeing him hanging from a rope. I am bone tired of this life

hanging from the rafter.

I try not going in that room. It creeps me out.

I wish you could replace it with one of him when he was happy.

I'm deeply sorry.

:hug:

I've so very glad you are still here, that you got through that time, and that you shared your story with us.

I got to that point to, once in my life, and I also got through it. It's a frightening place to be, a true dark night of the soul. I'm glad we both found the light again.

:hug:

:hug:

*hug*

I'm so glad you're still here. And thank you for being brave enough to share your story. I hope it helps someone during a dark time to see that they are important and loved and needed.

:hug:

FWIW, a liter of vodka and the equivalent of Valium won't kill you either. You'll wish you were dead when you wake up, which is kinda funny actually.

I checked myself into a hospital this past summer. I'd ingested so much garbage and killed so many brain cells I don't have a clear memory of it. I just remember somehow ending up talking to my mother at 4am, and apparently we'd been talking for a long time and continued to talk for a long time afterward. I only remember that time because I'd set up a cron job to e-mail a few people (geek suicide attempt ... how quaint) to ask them not to let my body get to the point it stunk up the place, and by then I'd become terrified at the thought of what I was doing and struggled to stop both what I was trying to do and telling people that it had been done.

Screwing around with a computer while that messed up is not something I recommend.

Mom talked me into the hospital and drove me there, told me as I was being taken away that she wished she'd had the courage to do this when she was my age. Runs in the family, I suppose. But there was no courage really, just fear. Afraid to live, afraid to die.

But I did come to realize, at least for now, that people did give a damn, and that helped.

But I do feel compelled to disagree. There is shame, imposed shame if nothing else, and that's hard to manage. I quit my job because of it, the whispers and the questions they wouldn't ask me, just speculated amongst themselves about how crazy I was and wondered whether I'd "go postal." People were afraid of me, still are. I could go along my merry way trying to believe there is no shame, but people who know, even though they try to hide it, treat me differently than they did ... kid gloves. Those gloves spread shame.

I would do it all over again. He shall be remembered for the life he lived, not the moment he left it. That is what is important. I owe it to my children.

You're amazing, and your children are so fortunate in that regard.


:grouphug: :hug: :grouphug:

:hug:

:hug:

It's a tremendously brave thing to do; and I wouldn't be surprised if someone who really needs help reads this.
:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

Reach out, take that risk and help your someone in the way you can.

I'm glad you made it through. :hug:

I'm sorry that you had to go through this. Life throws crap at us all the time and rarely do we get to step back and see how it effects others, since we think whatever is going on in our lives is worse than anything someone else may face.

I may have been blinded by past bullshit, but once one was TS'd, I finally realized how much of a cunt the other one was.

um... geez.. um... thank you... maybe... um... congrats on the computer.

God was I naive.

thank you.

I really do. And I'm glad you're still here.

From one survivor to another. :hug:

besides being a contributing factor to what makes DU great.

Am very glad to have you around, MonkeyFunk!:hug:

I'm so glad you're still here, sweetie...

Your life is such a good thing...

Thank you for surviving, and for helping the rest of us understand...

:hug:

much appreciated.

And I have. It's always good to know that someone else made it through to the end of that long dark tunnel from Hell.

Even though most of us probably also know those who didn't. :evilfrown:

but this kind of stuff reminds me how unimportant politics are. :hug:

the bravery of your post and your sharing to help others makes me feel small for my part in the clashes, you have reminded me how unimportant politics.

thank you for sharing and caring so - I am glad you are here :hug:

that's really sweet.

:hug:

that I could do that would stop the chronic pain. The modern medical community can't stop it, nor can the vast "alternative medical" community.

So I know.

But I have a family, so I don't have that option.

Nor do you. You're just going to have to stay here and suffer with the rest of us, like it or not.

Redstone

much appreciated.

In 1990 I took 80 capsules of desipremine then went out and mowed the yard to make sure that it got throughout my blood system. My wife had taken the kids shopping and found a note I had written and left in the center of the car. She rushed home and found me. They got me to the hospital and I spent the next 5 days in ICU with charcoal being pumped into me.

I've been there.

Things have not always been great since that day, but I take prozac everyday, the kids are off on their own, and Melodie and I are back in graduate school - she in govt., me in history - we get each other through and we are so happy and so in love.

Thanks for your post MonkeyFunk.

Oh, and the other thing: you mispelled "wierd" LOL :yourock:

to post this.

And I'm an excellent speller, but that word always fucks me up.

Sorry to interrupt, but I ALWAYS misspell that damned word!

MonkeyFunk,

I honestly can't remember if you and I tend to agree or disagree on political posts.

It doesn't matter.

Truth takes many voices to fully articulate, and I know for sure that I've smiled at your wit at times, and I am very glad you are still with us. Hang in there, and know that you are appreciated and respected, by myself, and plenty more folks...

:hug:

-app

and transformed me into the mensch i am today, Glory To God!!! O8) oh! and peace to you, m'dear one you :hug:

;)

And don't let other people tell you you are bad, or a failure, or whatever!!


I've learned not to let other peoples' opinions of me control me!

Sometimes it's not just the voices in our own heads, it's the real voices of other people outside our heads, criticizing us relentlessly, that can drive us crazy. Either way, we have to do something to get back to self-confidence and self-worth. Oftentimes, the people who criticize us the most have very low self-esteem, and do it to cover up.

It's a long and difficult road.

We should all have empathy and compassion for other peoples' struggles, and let the "better angels of our nature" rule us.

Your post was a selfless act. If someone in our little community is in pain this post can make all the difference in the world.
Thank you,
P-b
:hug:
K & R

I have a new found respect for you.

The thoughts have crossed my mind many, many times (I should say daily). They never quite go away, but like you I am grateful for my family and friends. They keep me going, along with many other simple things in the world. Recently, I went to a funeral of a young man (18 years old) and it truly shook me up.

Unexplained deaths are the most difficult for the living to bear.

I am glad you did not succeed. I hope you find joy in your life.

I'm not courageous. I just love my friend.

they are crippling. I've been through it myself and constantly have to make a conscious effort to kill them. Sometimes when you see the pain it causes, it makes you realize that it's not a solution to anything. That's what shook me up and now the thoughts have subsided.

I hope you can help your friend.

my friend is doing well. She's stronger than she realizes.

Glad you're here MonkeyFunk!

And the same to all the others!

:toast:

I'm glad you're here and I hope you never hurt that way again. :hug:

:hug:

have been to the place where I wanted it to end a few times, but haven't gone past that... fear, whatever stopped me

Love of my son and for my son has kept me away from that thinking for a while, or has brought me back from there.

Its a permanent solution to what is usually a temporary problem.

I have great empathy for people who are at that point.

Thanks for posting your story

:hug: for all your sorrow.

I'm not going to go very much into my situation...but let's just say I've had suicidal thoughts in the past. I had similar feelings...no one would care whether I was dead. I'm in counselling now (for several reasons) and I've talked to my therapist about my suicidal feelings. It helped a lot.

Needless to say, I'm very glad your suicide attempt was unsuccessful. I like you very much and I know there are others who feel the same. You're a good man, my friend.

And you've helped with your comments about calling someone. Just talking to someone. I know now that I'm valued by others...it's good to hear you say that.

Thank you.

:hug:

I love you a lot, too.

Sending >>>>> :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

no bravery involved. But thanks for thinking that.

no bravery involved. But thanks for thinking that.

:hug:

:loveya:

I'm glad that you are still with us

:hug:

I did it, too, years and years ago. Trying to stop unbelievable pain.

I hope things are going better for you now. :hug:

:hug:

I think those who have gone through the darkness that brings up suicidal feelings have a special knowledge and compassion to draw upon and help others.

Thank you for your post, Monkeyfunk.

:hi:

I have had numerous times where I wish that damn gun would have just finished the job. When I got sick a month after my wife and I got married. I lost my left leg to bone infection on our first wedding anniversary. There have been times that I wish I was dead. Hell these last few weeks have been really trying. I have been frustrated with being in a wheelchair, and wondering what I did to deserve this. Why these crap celebrities have kids and make a mess of their lives and their children's lives, and my wife and I can not even have one. It will be 20 years since I got hurt this May 15th, and in those 20 years it could have been easy to just end it. All the times we have had to live hand to mouth, due to finacial issue, due to me being in a chair. Having to live with parents because I was not able to support my wife and I. Being embarrassed when I have problems with my chair, being late to work due to my paralysis, or falling out of my chair. Having pain from the fact that I have arthritis and tendonitis from having to use my arms like I do. Being 6'1 and having to ask my 5'6 wife to hand me stuff I can not reach. Having to watch my wife mow the yard, so many things. It depresses me so much sometimes. But, then I remember that my life has changed so many others. And I would have never met my wife, and done some of things I have gotten to do if I had not gotten shot that sunday evening in May. Yeah I miss being able to stand and walk like normal and yeah I get frustrated all the time. I am a little depressed right now over it, but tomorrow brings a new day and I would not miss seeing what is going to happen.




I would not miss it for the world. Keep plugging away MonkeyFunk, live is to much fun to end it.

done by being in the world, remembering who we will hurt if we do kill ourselves, both are very important to keeping perspective.

:hug:

And you have to find humor. Laughter is the best medicine. Oh and a good campfire every once in a while.

that's tough.

I'm glad you're here. Let's all try to get through this mess we call life together, ok?

It can be trying. It would not be life if it was always easy. I just wish some of the shit storms that come were a little shorter and less intense.

Is your opinion regarding "valued by others", et al, still the same?




And, no, I'm not laughing. At you or anyone else. Sorry some people are.

Seriously.

:hug: This thread has me crying. :hug:

:hug:

I'm glad you're okay and still with us.

hurting them.

Thanks for having the courage to post this. :hug:

I've been in that boat myself. I've been hospitalized twice in the past nine months because of my bipolar illness and suicidal attempts/ideation.

I am very glad you didn't succeed.

Call somebody.

:rofl:

spite is as good a reason to stay alive as any other.

We all love you here at DU.

You are amazing, and I'm so glad you got through it okay and are still with us.

I appreciate it.

:loveya: