In honor of May Day, post your favorite "in Soviet Russia..." joke.

I'll start with a few:

In America, you watch television. In Soviet Union, television watches you.

In America, you check books out of library. In Soviet Union, library checks you out.

In California, you can always find a party. In Russia, The Party can always find you.

And then there's this lolcat:



Actually, I've always thought these jokes were really dumb, even when Yakov Smirnov was actually popular. And I don't exactly know that there's a connection between May Day and Russian jokes, either. Maybe this was a pretty bad idea for a thread???

...but that lolpigeon (lolstatue?) made me laugh. :rofl: :hi: Thanks.

Getting drunk with no effort required - sounds fine to me.

Grass cuts you!

In Soviet Russia, shower takes you!

My favorite comes from Poland, in the late Jaruzelski period....

A family occasion is coming up, and the wife is seriously pressing the husband to get a ham: she really means it, and he knows it, when she says don't come back from the store without one. So he goes out and stands in the queue, and just as he is getting to a place near the door, they put up the sign: no more hams. The man explodes, he starts yelling how he is lead worker at his plant, a veteran, and even so after waiting for hours he still cannot get a ham! A fellow in a trench-coat steps out of the crowd, comes up to him, saying, "Comrade, comrade, control yourself. You know what would have happened in the old days...." And the fellow cocks his hand like a pistol and puts his finger-tip to the man's temple. The man quiets down, and heads off for home. He looks so bleak and grim when he gets there his wife doesn't even complain his hands are empty, she just says "Dear, what's the matter?" He says, "The shortages are worse than we could ever imagine. They're out of bullets."

An American and a Russian stood before St. Peter after being executed for crimes against their respective states.

"You have a choice," the Gatekeeper told them. "You can go to American hell or Russian hell."

"What's the difference?" the American asked.

"In American hell, you must eat a shovelful of shit every day," St. Peter said. "In Russian hell, you must eat two shovels full."

"I'll take American hell," the American said.

"I must be loyal to Mother Russia," the Russian said. "I will go to Russian hell."

A few weeks later, the two chanced to meet.

"Boy, you really blew it," the American said. "All I have to do is eat my shovelful of shit every day, and the rest of the time is my own."

"It is you who made mistake," the Russian said. "In Russian hell, half the time there is no shit; the other half, there are no shovels."

• • • • •

A Soviet agriculture minister was touring collective farms to check on the potato crop. At one, he asked the farmer, "How is potato crop this year?"

"Comrade minister!" the farmer replied. "If all potatoes were stacked in pile, pile would reach to foot of God!"

"What do you mean, 'foot of God'?" the minister asked. "This is Soviet Union; there is no God."

"Is same thing," the farmer said. "There are no potatoes."

From memory...

Kennedy is hosting an international summit in the White House, but is under orders to economize, and tells the assembled heads of state that instead of the usual gourmet fare, they will enjoy a typical American businessman's lunch--i.e., that they are ordering out for sandwiches.

Konrad Adenauer says, "You have one sandwich in America that I like. I will have a Western sandwich."

East German Chairman Ulbricht demands, "If Adenauer wants a Western sandwich, then I want an Eastern sandwich!"

President Kennedy says, apologetically, "I'm afraid there is no Eastern sandwich."

Ulbricht insists, "Then I want the Eastern portion of his Western sandwich!"

some things are universal

nt

"You've heard of the slogan for the American Express Card...Don't leave home without it? I have Russian Express Card...Don't leave home."

"The first time I went to a restaurant, they asked me 'How many in your party?' and I said 'Six hundred million'."

In Soviet Russia, Yakov Smirnoff hates me.

Channel 1 shows nothing but KGB propaganda.

Channel 2 shows a big KGB guy who says, "You better turn back to Channel 1!"

The Untied States is falling apart quicker than a Sovet era economy car, but Fox News want's you to know:

Tori's 'Secret' History

Spelling says you don't need to tell your husband everything about your sex life!

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,353620,00.html

There are 6 people in a room telling anti-state jokes and you don't know who the informer is.

Brezhnev invites his elderly mother to Moscow for a visit.
First he picks her up at the airport in his official car, a sleek black Mercedes with soft leather seats and an engine that purrs like a kitten.
What do you think of the car, Mom, he asks.
Mom just goes "mmm...mmm" but doesn't offer an opinion.
Next they go to the Kremlin where Brezhnev shows her his office. Beautiful crystal chandeliers, fine carpets and art work, elegant furnishings.
Again the lady just goes "mmm...mmm" when he askes her opinion.
Finally they take off in the car for his country place. Spacious, beautifully landscaped grounds, fragrant gardens, more fine furnishings, art work, etc
Brezhnev is becoming a little exasperated.
Mom, he says, I've shown you how I'm living now but you have no comment. Aren't you impressed?
It's all very nice Leonid - I'm very proud of you, she replies.
But what are you going to do if the Communists come back into power?

Wait, that one doesn't quite work. Let's try this...

In Soviet Union, salad eats YOU!


Nope, I just can't get the hang of these jokes.






In Soviet Union, joke hangs YOU!




.

Boris has a good position in Soviet Ministry of whatever and gets to travel outside the Soviet Union. At a party, his girlfriend says", O, Boris, tell me about London".
Boris, dreamy, says," O, London! Fuck your Mother!"
"O, Boris, tell me about Rio!" " O, Rio! Fuck your Mother!"
"O, Boris tell me about Paris!" "O, Paris! Fuck your mother!"

"O Boris! It's wonderful to have such beautiful memories!"



Have a great Mayday.

mark

the 1970's, was telling about growing up in the
Soviet Union and there was no milk to be found
anywhere. The official radio station was constantly
bragging that milk production was up from last year,
so people sarcastically said, "If you want milk,
take your pail to the radio station."

Brezhnev gets up in the morning, looks out his window, and sees the sun. "Comrade Sun!" he calls out. "How do things look in the Soviet Union today?"

"Oh, Comrade Brezhnev,it's a beautiful morning, and the Soviet people are leaping joyfully out of bed, looking forward to their day's work, knowing that they are contributing to building Communism."

Brezhnev nods in satisfaction and goes about his morning tasks. Around mid morning, he looks out the window again and calls out, "Comrade Sun! How things in the Soviet Union?"

"Oh, Comrade Brezhnev, people are taking their tea breaks, and all they can talk about is how lucky they are to live in the Soviet Union."

Brezhnev nods in satisfaction and continues his morning schedule. Just before going to lunch, he looks out the window again and calls out, "Comrade Sun! How are things in the Soviet Union?"

"Oh, Comrade Brezhnev, people are on their lunch breaks, and they're absolutely delighted with the quality and variety of their food, knowing that nowhere else in the world are people so well fed."

Brezhnev nods in satisfaction. Well, it turns out to be a long, busy afternoon, and it's 5PM before Brezhnev gets another chance to look out the window. "Comrade Sun! How are things in the Soviet Union?"

The sun just sniffs. "Fuck you, I'm in the West now!"
****************
My friend told this story at a party where one of the guests was a Rumanian emigre. She nearly fell off her chair laughing.

:spray:

:D:thumbsup:

A western visitor was taken on a tour of a Soviet factory.

The manager gushed, "We have such superior technology here in Russia, that we made only 500 units here 10 years ago. 5 years ago we were up to 4,000 units. Today, we make make 5,000 units per day!"

The vistor, impressed, asked, "What do you make here?"

"These!", said the manager, holding up a sign that said "Out of Order".

East Germany had a seatbelt law, but they repealed it when someone couldn't board a tram because his Trabant was still strapped to his back.

Reagan, Gorbachev and Honecker are all informed that the world will end on May 31st.

Reagan announces, "In light of the fact that the world ends on May 31st, everyone is is off work."

Gorbachev announces, "In light of the fact that the world ends on May 31st, everyone gets all the vodka he wants."

Honecker announces, "In light of the fact that the world ends of May 31st, everyone will work May 1st instead."

"Watches made in the Soviet Union are the best in the world-- they're faster than everyone else's"

:rofl:

:)

Which is the Russian word for "Truth." In the Soviet days, they used to cut up the newspaper to use as toilet paper. So they used to say "Every morning I wipe my ass with the truth."