Please share your thoughts on this poem. Suggestions/criticism welcome.

Chipped China
by Brandy H.

It’s just a word, or so I’ve heard.

Eight letters worth a thousand hours of pacing
weary up and down sidewalks, my hair and your hair
burning our necks, and the stain of a word on our lips--
a brown spot on a daisy that nothing can lift out
and make whole. One word, like a step that you miss
unexpectedly, a stumble and a trip until you fall back
to the path you were trying to leave.

We shouldn’t expect to have the word.
It means nothing, or so I’ve heard.
But if it means nothing, why can we not spin it
into a ribbon as white as the sea when the wind pulls it up,
and twine it tight around you and me until the ends are dissolved
in our arms, and we know that this, this, is the heirloom
we’ve been waiting to inherit?

Is there truly a god who guards syllables,
a sentinel of language ready to revoke
the promise of the rainbow, and drown the world
if such as we used the word?
If it means nothing, why are we served
on chipped china, if at all,
at a separate table, in another room?

It’s just a word. Or so I’ve heard.

Oh, this is excellent!

I love your use of language, and the imagery is wonderful!

The rhythm is also excellent...

Very nice!

Keep 'em coming, OK?

This is yours, right?

Have you taken any workshops or other classes? They can be very helpful, esp. if you have a teacher who is good...

:woohoo:

:applause:

ThinkBlue1966 and I share a computer, and she recently stopped using IE and started using Firefox (like me), so I'm still adjusting to the fact that I actually have to make sure that *I'm* the one logged in, and not her, lol. So when I first posted, I accidentally posted under her username. :blush:

I've taken one poetry workshop/class so far, and am signed up for another, more exclusive one, this fall. I had to get an A or a B in the lower-level class before I qualified for the higher-level class, and I wound up with an A+. :hi:

I suggest you cut the first and last lines completely, so the poem begins with "Eight letters..." and ends with "... in another room?"

I also think that cutting "or so I've heard" in the second stanza will lend strength to the voice of the poem.

Your poem is successful - I particularly notice your use of image, the sense of honor withheld, historical significance, acts of omission, neglect.

Makes my hands itch to write again. Way to go. :)

I'll remember your advice. What do you think of the title? Does it inform the poem well?

It's not a beautiful title, but titles aren't as important as we sometimes think they are.

I think it's a successful title, it doesn't spoil the crux of the poem's sentiment, it's objective (not abstract), and the physicality will give nearly all readers something solid to which to cling until they arrive at its moment of repetition in the 3rd stanza - the a-ha moment.

Really, be proud of this poem, please.

I am not qualified to give anybody poetry advice... the only suggestion I have is probably not grammatically correct (using "onto the path" instead of "on the path..").

What talent you have!!! :-)

and the suspense.

"...and drown the world
if such as we used the word?" was a little confusing to me at first reading.

I am left wondering happily.

:thumbsup: