I feel like a loser when I don't overcome.

Once again I'm confronted with dating paralysis. Once again I flounder, even as I know exactly what I want.

I am a boy who can't figure out how to respond to emails in a timely fashion or make the jump from being the awesome guy online to actually asking this woman out on a date after 2 months of emailing. She pursued me...a lot, gave me time to get my act together; even as I shrank away out of fear. That is...awesome. It really is. She's perfect for me in every way. (This is actually a problem.) I can't even seem interested or make an effort. So now it seems that she's moved on since she hasn't responded in over a week.

Knowing it's just my baggage doesn't make it better: being dumped because you want to settle-down and your free-spirit girlfriend feels restrained; she goes on to be engaged to someone else within 6 months...it's made me shy, even after 2+ years. No effort or care means no heartbreaks, no betrayals. But bed-jumping in lieu of intimacy is tiresome. It's not that I've not moved on from that old relationship...I'd rather be safe, alone and invulnerable, I guess. I am an island. Yay me. :(

I wanted to vent. Not seeking advice, there is no point once the proverbial horse is out of the barn. Really don't want vibes (or hugs) either as they just make me feel mentally-impotent; incapable of overcoming my psyche's urge to sabotage...please feel free to tell me precisely why and how I'm an idiot. It's actually helpful. Truly. I need the kicks in the ass to stay getting-back-on-the-horse.

Remember: This, too, shall pass.

I'm frustrated with myself though. I want to be okay again already. (Patience has never been my strong suit...usually I mess things up by being too forward too quickly.)

It's kinda like when I was in 3rd grade...I won a trip on a hot air balloon. Couldn't wait to go on the hot air balloon. I was so excited. Then...I could not pick my feet off the ground to climb into the hot air balloon. Fear. I've never been on a hot air balloon. I'm hard on me when I fail my wants.

You're no idiot, but you obviously have issues that need to be resolved in order for you to achieve intimacy...

I'm not going to kick you, or hug you...

Perhaps someone (a therapist, or a counselor) could help you?

Good luck!

As much as I say I don't want that sort of support, I really do need it. I'm brutal on me.

Now watch...tomorrow she'll email me and I'll feel like a million dollars again.

No guts, no glory.

And don't you wish you'd stepped into that balloon?

this too is what I needed. It's scary though. She's 24, successful and attractive. I'm almost 30, balding, more-than-slightly overweight, pasty and awkward, and nothing approaching on successful. Oh...and I live with my mentally-ill mother. (I'm in the process of finding a new job and moving into the city. This economy though...ugh.) It's taken a while to put myself back this together.

What if we meet and I'm more smitten than ever and she's less smitten...?
What if I've blown it already and she says "no"?

(Okay, I actually know the answers to these questions. It just helps to type them. She is not the only fish in the sea. I am amazing because I am funny, brilliant, passionate and talented...if she doesn't want me it's her loss.)

I will do this, I will persevere, I will bring tootsie pops because she loves them, I will enjoy myself no matter what happens.

All right...I've psyched myself up for this.

Edit: I nearly forgot...Thank you!

attractive. You haven't blown it already, and even if it doesn't unfold exactly as you want it to, at least you will have given yourself and this woman a chance. The best of all possible outcomes is that you might make a friend for life.

Here's the hug you don't want or need: :hug:

It's just one more self-defense mechanism for me. A lot of what I like about her is that she intimidates me; nobody intimidates me. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. I just need to remember that...frequently.

there are many of us who do like a guy with some meat on his bones, particularly in combination with a sharp mind (you've got that, so check!) and a good heart (again, check!).

:)

If it was easy old wimminz and children would do it.

oh dear.. lol

I'm totally tryin to make you smile.

:hi:

Sorry your ex gf treated you like that. But it takes time to get over. Just respond to this new lady's emails, she sounds great and if you tell her the truth about feeling insecure about being vulnerable after being hurt - who knows? Could be exactly the right thing.

Just don't cut yourself off, even if you feel you want to. I've always said the only cure for one man is another. Applies to girls too. Give her (and you) a chance.

Man up, boy, and get with the program!


Khash.

that's like cryptonite for anyone other than those overnurturing codependent types. You don't want one of those. You need to be with someone who fascinates you and makes you feel like there are new possibilities. Meet this new girl in person as soon as possible for drinks, no pressure, and see how it goes. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't invest so much emotionally to someone you have no idea about in terms of face to face chemistry. You're just setting yourself up for defeat.

(meant for OP...have a few mojitos in me and am too lazy to edit :evilgrin:)

but I admit that she's the first person since my break-up and subsequent collapse to even intrigue me slightly making it hard not to invest just a little bit in her potential. If she says no, I have other potentials. She's just the top prospect.

It'd be easier if she was flawed or just some woman I'm looking to warm a bed with. That I excel at. I have no intention of telling her much about Cara (my ex) until much later. That's a story best saved for a rainy day months from now once she knows me better. It's a tale of woe...and creepy situations. It would make a great novel.

As for meeting her face-to-face, that's my plan. She's someone that if nothing else will probably be a great friend...it just seems like a waste of a smart socialist veggie atheist who doesn't want kids either and loves nature and poetry as much as I do.

i'm in the same boat. life is weird isn't it?

I've finally worked up the nerve to ask her if she'd like to go out for a drink (or something else). It's taken me all weekend.

Actually, I need the help of one or more of my fellow Loungers...possibly someone with experience at this sort of thing or just a good judge...I need someone to proofread/feedback my email...I have zero experience at this sort of thing. (Online dating. :scared:)

So...if you want to help...let me know (in-forum) and I'll PM you the text. I don't really want to post it publicly.

Also wishes of luck...appreciated. I don't want to need luck though, I'd hope to think I'm the love-ubermench. It's amazing to think that even an experienced boy-slut like me gets scared by a women who captures the imagination and could be something other than a fling.

I'm an excellent judge AND I have experience with this sort of thing. And? I have quite a way with words. :)

I am totally rooting for you with this and I'd be happy to help.

with good reason of course. :hi:

You've got a Space Ghost.

And I only have two people who ever go on ignore...and I remove them from ignore after about 6 months...and usually they say something dumb and mean-spirited and go right back on. Currently nobody is on ignore and they've both been good for about 3 months. Keeping fingers crossed...they're two of the funniest and insightful people on DU but we have a major issue disagreement and every time it comes up they get belligerent. I don't even comment on it anymore but they know my POV and seek me out to bait.

I feel like you need a hug, whether you want it or not! :hug:

I'll beat you up later, over something, promise!! ;-)

I'm sending her one last email...the one I should have sent last week asking her to join me for a drink (or something). "or something" because she rarely drinks and we live almost 45 minutes apart so we'd have to meet somewhere in the middle.

I didn't mean to kill your thread!! :-(

it was already a zombie thread. It's three days old at this point, written on Thursday and posted just into Friday. I kicked it with an update seeking feedback on an email. I got amazing feedback from Zingaro who was a huge help.

It:

a.) was pretty much all played out days ago and there was little that anybody was going to add.

b.) is already the longest thread I've ever been the OP for.

In the words of Bobby McFarrin..."don't worry, be happy."

in the event someone's referencing something like "pain in the ass" :rofl:

Do keep us posted. :)