Help me out--Post the best jokes you've heard lately

I'm going on a fishing trip and I need some new material. Dirty jokes are more than welcome!

I'm surprised.

Here's one I heard. A guy goes to file for his Social Security benefits and he takes his wife. He walks up to the counter and the worker asks him for his drivers license. He tells her he forgot it so she asks him to unbutton his shirt. She says, "You have enough grey hair to be over 62." His wife says, "Why don't you drop your pants. Maybe you can get disability too!"

My grandpa was a pretty cool old dude he (fill in some kind of annecdote or career detail). I want to die like he did - peacefully in his sleep. I don't want to scream and holler and carry on like those other people ... in the car.

He spent more time with me than my Dad. He taught me how to fish, how to hunt. I'll never forget the last words that old grey haired guy said to me: "Boy, you sure you got the safety on that rifle?"

Ok - it's the old man's birthday and he has been hinting for a pet..... So his old lady goes down to the pet store..

and the store owner says "Hey - we got this new item in and you may want to check it out.... It's a large bullfrog."

"Why on earth would I get him one of those?" she asked.

"well - these aren't just any ol' frogs - these are specially trained to give great blow jobs....

and I can't keep them in the store - they are selling like hotcakes"

So she figures - hey I am getting too old to give blowjobs and maybe he'll like it. Great for both of us.

So she gets one, takes it home, gives it to the old man and he is pretty perplexed, but hey - he's game.


So later that night after the old lady had gone to bed and she hears a great clattering of pots and pans in the

kitchen and so she goes to investigate what the hell all the noise is about.


She sees her husband and he has all these pots and pans out all over the counter and the bullfrog is perched on a stool.

What's going on? she asks.


(here it comes)






he says "Woman !! If I can teach this frog to cook you are sooo outta' here !!!!! :rofl:

Birty Thucks.

Borty __________

:silly:

What did the banana say to the vibrator?

I don't know why the fuck your shakin, she's going to EAT me!!!

Donald Rumsfeld is giving Bush his morning briefing on the war in Iraq, when Rumsfeld reports that, "Three Brazilian soldiers were killed yesterday."

Bush goes white and looks extremely distraught. Rumsfeld pauses for a moment, but when Bush starts looking even worse, he asks, "Are you alright, Mr. President?"

Bush says, "That's just terrible, awful. This is horrible."

Stunned at Bush's reaction, Rumsfeld pauses in silence.

Finally, Bush asks, "How many is a brazillion?"