Bush resume--new version

I received this updated version of Bush's resume in an email. Thought DUers might be interested.
Guys - I literally can't believe this piece of work came out of Utah - but
this was actually sent to me by the Utah Democratic Party - I am peeing my
pants...........you'll get a good laugh, it just goes on and on and on and
on - I'm not sure who wrote it, but I'm so glad Meg (chair of the democratic
party in Utah) sent it to me.


>GEORGE W. BUSH RESUME
>MY ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS PRESIDENT:
>Why I Deserve a Second Term
>
>(as evalulated by a Utah Democrat)
>Military and National Security Leadership
>
>* After spending the entire month of August 2001 on vacation, I presided
over the biggest security failure in U.S. history. However, instead of
dedicating my administration to killing Osama bin Forgotten and destroying
al Qaeda, I decided to regime-change Saddam Hussein and take out his
imminently dangerous weapons of mass destruction.
>
>* In just two and half years, I have attacked and occupied two Islamic
countries filled with nasty evil-doers. I am the first President in U.S.
history to order an American military occupation of sovereign nations not at
war with us. I stood strong against world opinion and the nitwits at the
United Nations, when my coalition and I invaded Iraq. And next on our
axis-of-evil list is Iran!
>
>* I believe the U.S. should be strong and credible. I strategically
misrepresented in my State of the Union speech the reasons for going to war
with Iraq. I defended my subordinates who much later took responsibility for
keeping these necessary misrepresentations in my speech (though I was not
happy they put the word "nucular" in the speech knowing I have trouble
pronouncing it).
>
>* I landed on the Abraham Lincoln aircraft carrier 35 miles off the coast
of San Diego, wearing a Navy aviator flight suit and swaggering for a photo
op which cost the Treasury a million bucks and delayed the crew getting home
by a full day. This took really big cajones for me, because I avoided combat
duty and went AWOL from the National Guard during the Vietnam war.
>
>* Because I am the Flightsuit-in-Chief, I cut health care benefits for
military veterans and declared "Mission Accomplished" in Iraq (even though
American troops and Iraqi civilians are dying there months later).
>
>Fiscal and Economic Leadership
>
>* I entered office with the strongest economy in U.S. history and, in less
than two years, ran it straight into the toilet. Before the 2004 election, I
am counting on a fuzzy-math recovery and all the help Greenspan can provide.

>
>* Because of 9-11, I had to break my promise to protect Social Security,
but before I leave office in 2009 I should be able to keep my promise to
"privatize" it (i.e., get rid of it).
>
>* By using my three huge tax cuts, I deliberately spent the entire Clinton
budget surplus. I thereby achieved the biggest annual budget deficit in
history. My record $455 billion deficit this year will grow even larger to
$475 billion next year! And that's not counting the $4 billion we spend in
Iraq each month.
>
>* I am proud to have the personal presidential records for the most private
bankruptcies and the most foreclosures filed in any 12-month period in U.S.
history. I also have the all-time record for the biggest drop in the history
of the stock market (which was Clinton's fault).
>
> * In just my first two and a half years in office, over three million
Americans have lost their jobs. (Fortunately for me, most of them don't
vote.) More than two million jobs have been lost since my first tax cut,
which proves that I was right that tax cuts really do effect the economy
>
>* I am a compassionate conservative. I support the decision of Republican
Congressional negotiators to deny 11 million minimum-wage families the
increased child tax credit. These credits are intended to help people who
pay taxes and contribute to my campaign, not those who actually need help.
>
>* I cut unemployment benefits for more out-of-work Americans than any other
President in U.S. history. Under my leadership, more people every year lose
health insurance, retirement benefits, and overtime pay. I also insisted
that eight million low-income taxpayers should get no benefit from my latest
round of tax cuts. (Didn't I say I was a compassionate conservative!)
>
>Foreign Policy Leadership
>
>* I terminated the anti-ballistic missile treaty with the former Evil
Empire and ordered the U.S. to resume President Reagan's ridiculously
expensive and ineffective "Star Wars" program.
>
>* I have snubbed both NATO and the United Nations because they opposed my
decision to attack Iraq. I told the world that Germany and France are
irrelevant has-beens, because they questioned my reasons for invading Iraq
and refused to join my "coalition of the willing."
>
>* I set the all-time record for the most people (15 million) simultaneously
marching in the streets worldwide to protest (me), shattering the record for
protest against any person in the history of the world.
>
>* I have kept the U.S. out of Liberia and other troubled countries that do
not have oil reserves. Because Saudi Arabia does have oil reserves, I kept
secret the discussion in the 9-11 report of that kingdom's connections to
the 9-11 hijackers.
>
>* I have dissolved more international treaties than any President in U.S.
history. I am the first President to have the United Nations remove the U.S.
from both the Human Rights Commission and the Elections Monitoring Board.
And I refused to subject the U.S. to any world court.
>
>* I am the first President to persuade a majority of Europeans (71%) that
the U.S. is the world's biggest threat to peace and stability. I am the
first President to convince the people of South Korea to feel more
threatened by the U.S. than by North Korea. To this I say, "Bring 'em on!"
>
>Environmental Policy Leadership
>
>* I presided over the biggest energy crisis in U.S. history. When energy
price corruption was uncovered, I said it would be "a cold day in hell"
before I would help California. I also presided over the highest gasoline
prices since Jimmy Carter and chose not to use the national petroleum
reserves to help lower prices.
>
> * I withdrew the U.S. from participation in the Kyoto Treaty on global
warming, because the U.S. had to quit producing too many "greenhouse gases"
under a treaty which put us at a severe disadvantage compared to third world
countries. Instead, I ended fuel economy requirements for SUVs, removed
emission restrictions from polluting power plants, and ordered virtually all
federal land open to new oil and gas drilling. I believe in promoting "Clear
Skies," not bad science.
>
>* I have made it possible-by manipulating federal tax policy-for every U.S.
business to own-tax free-a gas-guzzling Hummer (which is manufactured by a
Republican who is building a swell 100,000 square-foot mansion on Long
Island).
>
>* Over the senseless objections of wild-eyed environmental extremists, I
have continued to push Congress to approve oil drilling in the Arctic
National Wildlife Refuge. Elk do not vote Republican and, since 9-11, we
need the extra oil for our national security.
>
>* I decided to give up "roadless" designations for millions of acres of
federal land which were being managed by Clinton as wilderness. I also
reversed the stupid Clinton ban on snowmobiles in Yellowstone National Park.
What good is land if you can't use it the way you want to!
>
>Personal Achievements
>
>* I achieved the most powerful office in the world through my party's
manipulation of the Florida election recount and the thoughtful help of
Ralph Nader and five of my father's friends on the U.S. Supreme Court.
>
>* In my first year in office I set the all-time record for the most days on
vacation by any President in U.S. history. I also set the record for the
most campaign fund-raising trips by any President. I am the all-time U.S.
(and world) record holder for the most corporate campaign donations.
>
>* One of my best friends, Kenny Lay (who is one of the biggest lifetime
contributors to my campaigns), presided as CEO of the Enron Corporation over
the largest stock market fraud in world history. So far he has not been
prosecuted by my Department of Justice. Yo, Kenny!
>
>* Attorney General John Ashcroft and I have taken away more freedoms and
civil liberties from Americans than any other administration. (All we have
to do is call it "patriotism" and we get away with it!)
>
>* Although I campaigned as "a uniter, not a divider," I have become in a
little over two years one of the most polarizing Presidents in U.S. history
and have created the most divided country since Vietnam and Watergate.
>
>* In just a few short years, I have managed to appoint a lot of right-wing
ideologues to the federal bench. With the continued help of my good friends
in the Republican majority on the Senate Judiciary Committee, I promise to
appoint even more "right-thinking" judges. (The good Lord willing, we may
even get a Supreme Court vacancy or two to fill with folks who agree with
what my political coach, Karl Rove, calls my "compassionate conservatism.")
>
> * I have made a good start unlocking the doors between church and state in
this country. With the help of my Republican buddies in Congress, and the
good Lord willing, I will dismantle the entire wall between church and state
before I'm through. Thank you, Jesus!
>
>* I set the record for the fewest presidential press conferences since the
advent of TV. Karl Rove and I have mastered the art of communication by
sound bite and backdrop. (I do the sound bites and Karl does the backdrops.)
Somehow we have been able to bamboozle the American media into giving us
adoring coverage of our administration. (P.T. Barnum was right!)
>
>* I have (with the help of our adoring media and despite the facts)
persuaded a majority of Americans that Iraq was an "imminent threat" to the
U.S. and that Saddam Hussein supported al Qaeda, bought aluminum tubes and
uranium from Niger to make nuclear bombs, and had huge quantities of weapons
of mass destruction ready to use against us. And Colin Powell showed us the
photos to prove it! * I have (with the help of our adoring media) been able
to avoid disclosing the cost of the Iraq war, how long American troops will
be kept there, and the amount of taxpayer money that is being funneled to my
friends' corporations that my administration hired to reconstruct that
country.
>
>* I work 24-7 to protect the presidency. All records of any SEC
investigations into my insider trading and bankrupt companies are sealed,
secret, and unavailable for public view. Any records or minutes that may
exist from meetings my Vice President or I may have attended regarding
national energy policy also are secret. These records will be kept secret if
my father's friends on the Supreme Court let me have my way again.