Who needs advice? Come and... ASK CTHULHU.

I'm channeling evil today: Cthulhu specifically. And he has agreed to offer advice to your wanting soul. So go ahead and ...

ASK CTHULHU.



Offer void in Delaware. 'Cause Cthulhu hates the Delaware.

Or am I just kidding myself?

Of course people can change. Indeed, once I awaken from my slumber I will change all of humanity. I will consume your souls and spit out your tired flesh. That's change I can believe in. Bwahahaha!

On the more trivial plane of your existence, can humans change? Oh I suppose. But really, it doesn't matter. What with me and my Elder God buddies dining on your souls. (See above.)

Sincerely,

Cthulhu, the hungry

Huh big guy?

We have an Elder God who happens to be a mayo-loving Canadian rapper. Perhaps you've heard of him: Chuggo. He knows how to kick out a soul-draining beat. I helped him write this:

I conquer humanity
That's how I roll
I'm slaking my thirst
Give me your soul
How do I eat it?
A styrofoam bowl
Take over this planet
That there's my goal

I haven't toured with Chuggo in a while, though. I miss him.



Sincerely,

MC Cthulhu

P.S. Platypuses suck ass.

You want to know what's right? I'll tell you what's right. Me rising from my slumber to feast on the souls of humanity--that's what's right. And here's what's right for you: prepare your soul for consumption. I would suggest a regular exercise routine coupled with a semi-regular regimen of crying yourself to sleep. If you feel the need, go ahead and wet your pants. It adds to the aura of despair.

Sincerely,

Cthulhu the lip-smacker

Who will win American Idol?

and

Would you prefer them with paprika?

I find it difficult to pull together an opinion on American Idol. Ever since the departure of Sanjaya, that show has been dead to me. Randy Jackson and Simon Cowell will be among the first to be eaten, I promise you this! I salivate at the thought of their essence sliding down my evil gullet.

Oooh! I love paprika! And jalapenos!

Sincerely,

Cthulhu, the true American Idol

:P

I can only assume that you're joking. If masturbation was going to destroy the world, then you would have snuffed out the universe years ago.

Hahaha, I'm so awesome. Beware my wit, lest it slice your soul. Like a really sharp cutting instrument. Maybe one of those ginsu knives. But more evil.



Sincerely,

Cthulhu, the insultive

:spray:

Because we shared the same locker.



Sincerely,

Cthulhu, the Monkee

TIA.

Might I suggest a quiverful of human souls? The taste of despair really can't be beat. Oh, and wash it down with this:



Sincerely,

Chefthulhu

Isn't it about time we abolish the penny?

Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl flvegan! I find the penny to be a fitting symbol of humanity: it has worth, but the worth is so small that you just can't decide if picking up that dirty penny from the sidewalk is really worth it.

Anyway, once I've consumed your souls, I plan to institute a new currency. There will be only one coin, and it will have my ever-watchful eye on it, staring at you, messing with your sanity.



It promises to be a hoot.

Sincerely,

Cthulhu, the Coin of the Realm

peanut butter pie.

Should I put all the peanut butter crumbs underneath the pudding like the recipe says or should I put half under and sprinkle the other half on top?



:yoiks:

Please pick the second option because I've already done it that way and it will be really hard to scrape them off, scoop out the pudding and put them underneath now. Of course, I'm going to cover the whole thing with whipped cream anyway.

My advice would be to place the pie in a box, then bury that box in your backyard. Because the pleasure you derive from eating it will pale in comparison to the pain that you will experience when the age of man comes to its inevitable end. That's right, baby. Cthulhu's coming to town.



Say, any chance you could make me a chocolate pie? I could kill for a good chocolate pie right now.

Sincerely,

Cthulhu, Desirer of Chocolate

Chocolate pie is the fastest pie to make. I could have a slice of chocolate pie in front of you in 30 minutes.

15, if you don't mind it warm and runny.

Which you might not.... all things considered.


BTW, I'm just going to keep the peanut butter pie in the fridge. The fridge came in a box and it's NEAR the backyard. It's towards the back of the house anyway.

I mean, you're sitting on some sort of rock outcropping starring into the distance, not even bothering to look at the poor soul that you are dropping from your green fingers.

Tell me, what are you thinking here?

If I remember that day correctly, I believe I was just finishing that person's soul when I happened to glance through the window of this lovely female who lived in the island across the river. Her name, as I found out later, was Yvonne. She was hot. I called her right up, let me tell you.



And I shall say no more about that, as Elder Gods do not kiss and tell.

Sincerely,

Cthulhu, Booty-Caller of Evil

The Elder Gods do not like beer. We prefer drinks like Mai Tais. There's nothing like sitting on the beach sipping a Mai Tai and munching on soul food.



When my reign of terror begins, any remaining humans will be forced to drink Bud Light. Let the despair begin!

Sincerely,

Cthulhu, the Dainty

:hide:

Better than I? That, quite frankly, is teh Bullshit! What has she been telling you? Did she tell you about that time when she got drunk in high school and ended up on the bus naked? No, she probably just "forgot" to mention exploits such as those. Check out this photo from our high school year book:



Shub-Niggurath is full of horse-hockey! And her hygiene is largely substandard.

Sincerely,

Cthulhu, the Flabbergasted

What is the best way for me to smite my enemies and condemn them to eternal damnation, cursed in agony and only comforted by their own wailing and gnashing of teeth... In your name?

Your humble servant in everlasting supplication,

Chuck Chillout

Here is my three-step process, guaranteed to accomplish your goal.

First step: Ask her out and treat her like a lady.
Second step: Tell her she's the one you're dreaming of.
Third step: Take her in your arms and never let her go.
I swear by the left teat of Persephone, that with these steps, you'll win her love.

Oh, my apologies; this won't smite your enemies. Let's see, the best way to smite your enemies is to hire them and make them your wage slave. Or hire me to become their boss. I swear by the other teat of Persephone, that I will drain their spirit within weeks!



I even have a money-back guarantee. What do you have to lose? (Other than your soul, of course, but you'll be losing that anyway once my reign of terror begins.)

Sincerely,

Cthulhu, the Bossy

When one is young and they go fishing and they catch a carp why does the grandaddy always make them throw the carp back? Also, would a pink mini go well with lime fishnets?

Frankly, I'm baffled by this behavior. We have a saying: "Carpe Carp." Seize the fish. It comes from the Rush song, "Tom Sawyer." And if Tom Sawyer were here, he would say the same: keep that fish! So I don't know what grandaddy is thinking. If I see him, I'll ask, just before I slake my thirst on his confused soul.

I have no opinion on the pink mini. But Cthulhu kitty says, "Pink mini and lime fishnets are cute!"



But then Cthulhu kitty also had Kansas picked to go all the way in the NCAA basketball playoffs, so WTF does kitty know?

Sincerely,

Cthulhu, the Fashionably Challenged