So, I got dumped. *sigh*

Long story short - he was in it for "friends with benefits" (what are we, 19 year olds? - no, in our 40's. Sheesh.) I made the mistake of thinking that there was more going on than there really was, apparently, and he got miffed that I would think so. His major complaint now - I made HIM feel bad. The poor lil thang. (Sorry, I'm feeling a bit bitchy tonight. Don't mean to be flippant, cause the whole situation has really hurt, but I'm trying to get over it.)

So, my question is -- how do people deal with being "dumped"? I honestly have no clue. :shrug:

I know the usual advice - get out, get involved with others, physical exercise. It's just that late at night, I find myself wondering what the hell I did wrong, that this person I cared so much about could just turn his back on me. I know there was another woman involved, but she is his ex from, oh, 7 years ago, and he's carried a torch for her for all this time but I never knew. I just think it's so unfair, that a guy would let me think that there's a chance for a relationship, and then - bang! Game over.

I'm trying to move on, really. I know in my head that it's over -- now how do I convince my heart to accept that? I have no f&*king clue. Any advice is welcome. I have friends IRL but their opinions would be strongly biased, so I'm just trying to figure it out.

TIA.

I'm so sorry to hear you're hurting tonight...

Now, I have to tell you that I don't have any real advice for you. I've never been in a "friends with benefits" situation.

You've already heard the best advice; you wrote it there in your post. Otherwise, I'd say the best healer is time, and lots of it.

Be good to yourself. Treat yourself to doing whatever pleases you. (Be healthy, though!)

Time will show your heart the way out. It always does...

Hugs to you, sweetie...:hug: :hug: :hug:

There's a part of me - the analytical side - that wants advice to prevent this from happening again (which, duh, of course it will :) ) but a bigger part that just wants someone to comfort me. The hugs help, so very much, you don't know.

Thank you.

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"I know in my head that it's over -- now how do I convince my heart to accept that?"
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It can OFTEN be difficult to be objective when you're talking to your OWN heart... when it has
a hard time recognizing reality... when you express doubts like "how could it be over".
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I think the best thing to do is, instead of just "talking to yourself", picture a very close friend...
someone you care deeply about... going through the same thing with the same kind of guy --
and tell yourself the exact same things that you would tell THAT person.
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You ARE, after all... someone with whom you should be a very close friend.
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It's often MUCH easier to lie to ourselves than it is to lie to someone else about whom we care deeply.
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Lying to ourselves can be a balm, but it never helps in the long run. I've lied to myself so much lately, didn't want to confront reality, but it hit me head-on, and I have no excuse anymore. I know exactly what I'd tell a friend facing this kind of thing -- I hope I'd be as kind as you've been in telling me this. Doubt it, though -- you are a lot more diplomatic, really. Thanks, MFM.

From my experience and years of really, truly studying psychology in all its inexact, we-hope-we-can-understand-and-help-somehow glory, I have come to believe this:

The fear of not being able to control what goes on in our lives, of actually being vulnerable and mortal and making many mistakes, makes us believe terrible things about ourselves when something utterly uncontrollable happens to us. We want to explain it so it can't happen again. If we can't control others then they can hurt us, so we ask ourselves "What did I do wrong?" when the answer is "Nothing. You did nothing to deserve this, you did nothing wrong, and it happened anyway." The biggest task in life in my opinion is to learn to be Zen with that. Although I am an atheist, that twelve-step Serenity Prayer has a lot going for it.

I'm so sorry you got hurt, and that you didn't see it coming, though it would be a lot worse if you were the kind of person so on guard that you would be suspicious of people and closed off, not only to hurt, but to closeness. You can't be open to life and not to the chance of being hurt.

It will get better.

Control has been an issue in my life since I was a kid. Dysfunctional abusive family, married to abusive guy(s), ongoing personal s&*t that I feel like I need to control. It's so damn scary to realize that there are *things* out there beyond my control, I'm not used to it and not comfortable with it, but have to accept.

My initial reaction is just what you warn me against, I think - to stop trusting and stop being open to others. That's something I'll have to work on, cause this experience has just shaken me, really. I do take comfort in knowing that it'll get better, eventually. I'm grateful that people here are so generous with their thoughts on this, so, thank you.

ETA: "being Zen with it", I must look into this. I like the sound of that, it sounds very peaceful. :)

to mean you don't care about things, which it isn't at all. It means you don't become so attached to things, people, events, etc. being a certain way that you lose your fluidity and ability to appreciate what is, rather than what you want to be. and it's very difficult, not only for people who have the ind of problematic background you describe, but for all of us. After all, the most relaxed of us want to see danger coming and preempt it; those who have been really hurt when they were small and vulnerable can have it in spades. It made sense then but gets carried over into many places where it just doesn't let us relax.

And believe me, I work on this for myself over and over and over and over...

This guy wasn't willing to be honest or risk growing in a different direction than where his willpower wanted to point. So he hid his feelings and in the end he's ended up hurting you. Damn. Of course, there is no advice possible about how to get over this. It's a petty betrayal and it's going to hurt for a time. My advice would be to keep busy (bands, spring fairs, art shows, projects... whatever your area offers) until you're ready to process it. And be easy on yourself. As guys, we kinda take pride in not letting the people around us know what's going on inside, so there's no way you could've known. Better, happier experiences are out there. But there's no short cut to getting past the crappy feelings you have now. Just remember it'll get better before too long.

I chalked that up to -- "Well, that's how guys are." And I could understand that if it weren't for the fact that he was emotionally invested in another woman from the get-go, something which I had no clue about. That's what gets me, really, makes me feel cheap and used. I don't take intimacy lightly - 25 years ago, yeah, sure. But to find out after we'd been together that he never intended there to be anything more than a physical thing at his convenience - kinda bothered me.

But, I know it will get better. I have good friends, and a good sounding board here, too. I've moved recently and am going to buy a bike and start some serious physical conditioning. It'll get better. I just wonder if I'll ever be able to trust again, that sort of thing.

I appreciate the input from men. Y'all are an exotic species to me!

I'm pretty open about my feelings. I suspect my friends wish I would just shut-up and get over it already. :hi:

how come you dont share what is in your head. he says.... how come you share EVERYTHING in your head. and then went onto a lovely, heartfelt, insightful speech. was just awesome.

i told hubby, yawl sit there and act like you cannot express, but when you do, it is so kick ass, i dont see where the problem is.

ya, to what you say.

When you really trust someone, it's easier to be open with them about your feelings.

ya, it is true, but i think a lot is men are so convinced they are so bad and women are so good at talking the men are reinforced that they are not good.

but i am almost always momentarily STUNNED, lol, whne hubby says something insightful and how right on. i am sure to reinforce that once again he nailed it, can be confident in his ability

he says it is from a mother that demanded the kids not express, and follow rule. awfully controlling. i imagine there is some of that

my boys on the other hand, kick ass. lol. regularly, repeatedly until i say.... whyyyyyyyyyy, whyyyyyyyyyy did i allow, lol

The best remedy for an old love is a new love. You're only in your 40's? You're still young. There are still plenty of men out there. They're not all married, believe me.

Don't think it's something you did wrong. And don't let him make YOU feel you made him feel bad.

Sometimes there are no clear reasons why people do the things they do.

Look after yourself. :)

I'm so sorry it turned out this way. :-(

Somewhere along the line his and yours were different. Funny thing is, a lot of men still think women should be willing to settle for that kind of thing. Some are, some are not. I think if a man expects that the "relationship" is going nowhere he should make that pretty clear from the beginning and this man did not. So I think its unfair too.

edited to add :hug:

:hug:

It sounds like you both had different expectations for the relationship. Did he know where you wanted it to go? If so, that makes him a cad for not being honest from the get-go and stringing you along. If not, then it was a mis-communication. Either way, don't let him try to make it all your fault. Men do that so they can convince themselves they aren't an asshole. I takes two to tango, as they say.

I'm sorry you're hurting. Do take extra-special care of yourself.

Time Heals All Wounds©...

It's a process, and you'll go through it at your own pace.

"...late at night, I find myself wondering..."

Many people would encourage you to stop wondering, especially late at night, but you're going to do it no matter what they think, because it's part of the process.

"I'm trying to move on, really. I know in my head that it's over -- now how do I convince my heart to accept that?"

That's not an event you gear up for, that's a decision you make in a moment, and you stick by that decision, or you backslide into more wondering.

If you really know in your head that it's over, your heart will follow. Things usually happen in the reverse...the heart has one outlook and the head tries to convince it otherwise. So the first thing I'd encourage you to do is do you really "know in your head that it's over," or are you still in the process of trying to convince yourself that's true (it's OK if you are...it only makes you human).

There's no single method and no book of rules that goes with getting over a breakup. If you're "just trying to figure it out," a good first step might be to stop doing that, because you won't. On the day that you clearly understand why one human being can offer their heart to another and have that gesture rejected, you've reduced the heart to a logical, orderly machine...and that's not what the heart is at all.

..."I have no f&*king clue"...

You see, NOW you're talking. Try telling your heart...and your head..."I have no f&*king clue, but I want to move on," and let that settle in a bit, because you'll be honest. Sometimes the first step in understanding is admitting that you don;t understand.

As much as I hate quoting Don Henley, he's RIGHT: "The more I know, the less I understand."

Information and analysis isn't going to heal your heart.

The desire for healing will heal your heart.

:grouphug:

It's going to take awhile and there are no easy solutions.

Right now all you can do is try to make it through each night and then put one foot in front of the other the next day.

Sometimes you have to simply let the mourning period run its course before the healing is complete. You don't have to be brave when you can't be and you don't have to immediately move on. The grieving process has to happen before your heart can mend.

I'm so sorry that you're going through the heartache. Been there...done that. Thoughts are with you. :hi:

You did nothing wrong. It's natural, right after a breakup, to wonder what happened and if you could have done things differently, but in a little while you'll sit back and go "what an asshole"--and realize you were the wronged party. Repeat: you did nothing wrong.

Wallow a bit, then, you know, stop wallowing. Go out with friends. Don't hunt for another guy and lo, the next guy will appear when the time is right. :hug:

As one who knows jack about relationships, all I can say is, you've had some good suggestions here.

Keep busy with other stuff...sometimes it just takes time. :hug:

It really isn't you; it IS him. He was using you. Don't be mad at yourself; you don't deserve ANY blame here. We all fall for jerks from time to time, especially if they are really good at fooling us.

So what did you do that was so terrible? Really??? You followed your heart. At least you had the guts to do even that! (Some folks just completely shut themselves out....good, bad or otherwise and lead a truly safe but lonely and excrutiating life!)

You didn't do that. You put yourself "out there"

Sometimes it works out - sometimes it doesn't (and I DO NOT mean to minimize your pain in any way, shape or form here....At ALL!)

So, I think - you have that going for ya - even if it may not feel that way right now. You had the guts to put yourself out there. Didn't work out......his loss!

Maybe NEXT TIME you might know a little better....and by that I mean...to trust that little voice that might have been whispering to you from the GETGO....this guy ain't for you. Somethin' somthin' just ain't right here - just ain't 'on the square'....and heed it and move on.

See the thing here is all about expectations. Uncommunicated expectations. But first off, I feel..is that you need to maybe get in touch with exactly what it is that you need and want in a relationship - bar none. Then - once you get that straight in your head and heart and have a clear vision about it - shoot - you won't fall for the ones on the fence or the players.

You'll be able to see them coming a mile away and will know straight up and won't give them a second thought.

(If we don't stand for something....we will fall for anything.)

My advice would be to get your priorities in order starting FIRST and FOREMOST with yourself.

YOU are the prize! Right now. This very minute! Love and trust yourself first....I mean...truly - love and trust yourself first and foremost and you will just naturally attract someone without even trying.

Expectations can really screw things up BIG TIME. ESPECIALLY if we are brought up in a household where we didn't have any positive male role models to set an example on how a man should treat a woman with respect and honor. So what we are left with is just kind of floundering about...wasting years - perhaps decades in this ardous process of elimination. In this fog of perpetual confusion.

Love and trust yourself first!

For what its worth, might take a gander at this link: (Really helped me):

http://www.celebratelove.com/expectations.htm

I think in the end....I mean...in the very end - it really IS better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Truly.

...and try not to beat yourself up about all of this kimi. We have ALL been there. Shrug. When ya know better - ya do better. That's all. Par for the course ~

You kimi...are a Phenomenal Woman....and in the words of Maya Angelou:

Phenomenal Woman
Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman

Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Maya Angelou

((((kimi))))

you did nothing wrong; it just was not meant to be - get yourself back on the dating scene pronto

It was a waste of three years, and I would NOT recomend that route, but your milage may vary.

after being married 23 years. No ugly issues, we're still good friends, my wife was just tired of it and wanted a new life.

I'm a long way from having any answers on how to deal with it.

You all who have replied, it blows my mind, srsly! I am amazingly touched and should reply personally to everyone of ya. I apologize that I haven't, yet, cause I'm still sorting stuff out (and moved last week from Maryland to Iowa, so things have been crazy on a lot of fronts.) But I am touched by the thoughts and words and hugs from the DU community and Lounge - it makes me realize the benefits of the intertubes and how much help it can provide as well. I was floundering, really, but so many words of support and wisdom . . . I appreciate more than I can say.

Thanks, to all of you. Really, from the bottom of my heart. You guys rock.

I know it stings, but time will smooth it out. Keep busy, and just be yourself. :hug: