Tequila Drinking Teenager - Help!

We're talking about a good girl here - good grades, always comes home when she's told, helps around the house. She's 17.

So...she's out with her friends last night, came home at 12 as usual. I was already in bed so she came in and gave me a kiss. I was half asleep, but there it was; liquor. I said "let me smell your breath". She didn't, and very casually replied "I did a shot of tequila. At least I didn't lie about it" and walked out. That was it.

Right now I'm giving her the silent treatment. I have no clue how to handle this though - should I go bonkers and come down heavy or what? It's hard because I remember what I did when I was younger.

I'd appreciate some advice. Thanks in advance.

:shrug:

She's 17. Geez. Let the girl have some fun.

If you tighten the ropes now, she'll just rebel harder.

she's a good girl. She came home on time. She said she didn't lie.

Look at her behaviors - if she had been partying, she would have shown it. Sounds to me like she is a responsible person who tells you the truth. that's not always easy to find in a teenage.

as long as she got home via a designated driver?

Her friend drives....but I have no clue what kind of condition she's in. Discussion might be warranted, at least about that subject.

Personally, the tequila is a nonissue but the dangers of DWI, as well as its potential expense, are serious stuff.

(spoken with the authority of a non-parent, of course ;-) )

Something productive to do with her time??? I had to be in bed early summer nights as a teenager, because I worked. Didn't have time to go out and drink. Nor a midnight curfew.

On edit: I needed the money.

She has a job...on the nights she doesn't work she goes out since it's summer.

I think I will let this slide. Sometimes I'm torn between the rather strict traditional upbringing I had and my own inner voice of reasoning. It's a horrible thing and having a teenager can be damn scary.

Worked for me at the same age - just the smell of that stuff makes me nauseous.

Half the people I know (I'm in my mid-30s) can't go near tequila because of a bad experience they had with it in their misspent youth, so you're right, this problem may take care of itself.

Oh, and keep her away from the Bush twins.

of COURSE you do!

let her be IMHO.

could be MUCH worse. offer to let her drink at home if she wants to so she doesn't drink and drive.

you never had an "underage shot"????

...enforce it with consequences. No silent treatment, no emotional manipulation. Just apply a consequence. She's bright. She'll get it.

Say something just to acknowledge your feelings over the subject!

When I drink occasionally. That's just it - I was into everything at her age. I am not a strict disciplinarian, but at the same time, I don't want anything to happen to her. Just have to trust her judgement and I will talk to her about consequences.

and that you trust her to use her judgment.

Invite her to drink at home -- it's better she explore her limits in the safety of her home, with you, than elsewhere.

Tell her if she needs a ride home, don't ever hesitate to ask, any time of day or night.

Make sure she understands you'd be upset if she let a drunk friend drive her around, or drove drunk herself. If she calls for a ride, there will be NO negative consequences.

But pay attention to her behavior, and make sure it doesn't change for the worse -- the news is full of stories of good kids in good homes getting mixed up in drugs, alcohol, even prostitution (see this week's Newsweek).

:7

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Put the burden on her shoulders. She doesn't want to disappoint mom.

I have A LOT more than the equivalent of one shot of tequila every weekend (I'm 19, also underage) and I don't have any problems. If she has no problems and clearly doesn't have an alcoholism problem just leave her alone.

Maybe, maybe not. Just could have been the first time she didn't try to or forgot to hide it from me. Maybe she just wants to see what I do - testing me??

She got caught, so she came clean (that's why she pointed out she didn't lie) and hoped that was the end. since she's not having any serious alcohol problems it should be. If she is other times and you haven't caught her I doubt you could now.

treatment, at all. Sit down and have a good, long conversation about alcohol. By that I do NOT mean a lecture. I mean the responsibilities of drinking, the truth about your own experiences, what you expect from her and the pressures she will be under and the choices she will have to make almost daily when she goes to college. This entire talk needs to be started by pointing out what a great person she is growing up to be, how proud you are of her, etc. From what you wrote I think you have a wonderful girl there and she is probably waiting to see what you have to say about this situation. This is the perfect time to have a insightful and helpful talk.

Do NOT just pretend it did not happen. Have a sit-down with her, before the next time it happens. Break out the pix of yourself when you were her age, and tell her about what you did.

Maybe have this talk over a bottle of wine!

If you're not opposed to her drinking, tell her you'd be happier if she tests her limits at home, where she's safe if she pushes it a little too far.

If you trust her to drink responsibly, then tell her so. Don't let it be an in-limbo thing. Make sure she knows exactly where her boundaries are.

Make sure she understands you want her to be safe, first and foremost, and happy second. Discuss the need to call you for a ride home if she has the LEAST bit of doubt about the driving capabilities of her friend. Maybe you could have this talk with her and her friend at the same time. Discuss the idea of designated driver.

This is what my parents did with me. Drinking wasn't forbidden, so it wasn't rebellious to do so.

I would have lied my ass off. Consider yourself lucky.

My ideal parental advice would be, "I'd rather you smoke pot, but if you drink, be careful and don't drive if you've had too much".

about drinking, pot smoking, other things; we communicate fairly well. Think I'm just in shock she was so in my face with her statement...I would have lied too at her age. Kinda freaked me out.

But then again - I've told her since she was small not to lie to me, that whatever she has to say it's OK. Be careful what you ask for....

On edit: She did just what I asked. She's at work right now, so when she comes home, we'll talk. Thanks everyone.

Express your concerns but tell her you're there if she wants to talk about that.

My dad was like that with me. He told me he wasn't going to be around 24/7 to make sure I stay out of trouble and would hope I use my best judgement when it came to things like drugs, alcohol, sex and all that other stuff parents don't want their kids doing. But he did say if I needed to talk about it he would be there to listen. Talked about peer pressure and how I shouldn't try this stuff simply to fit in with others but there was no way he could stop me if I did. So he talked about common sense and whatever I did - make sure there was a designated driver.

My father gave me that advise when I was around 13. Unfortunately he died about 18 months latter, but that advise always stuck with me. I never really drank until I got to college and I just never had any desire to do drugs (actually I've never done them).

Don't just ignore what your daughter did but don't give her the third degree either. Let her know she's going to be facing peer pressure and curiosity when it comes to alot of this stuff. Let her know you care about her and she can talk to you about any of this stuff especially if she's feeling the pressure from her peers to try something she's not that comfortable with doing. And whatever you do stress to her the importance of designated drivers and protected sex!!!!!

I think because my father created an atmosphere of comfort about these things and his willingness to be understanding if I felt pressured or did something I "shouldn't be doing", I felt less pressure to actually try many of them. All those corny anti-drug commericials actually have one very good piece of advise: Talk to your child and let them know you care!

both for her safety i.e. was the designated driver drinking..and that you also just wanted to make sure she knows the risks of drinking regularly. If she only had a shot and wasn't blasted no biggie..all kids are going to get their hands on alcohol...making sure they don't develop a drinking problem is a function of honest open communication.

Anything done in moderation and responsibly is not the end of the world. In my family, we were all raised drinking wine at the dinner table from a very young age ( I was allowed a half a glass at 10 years old..and freely got to have sips off my dad's beer..it just wasn't a big deal..when I got older all my friends were gung ho to drink but it wasn't some big thrill for me)

we all probably know someone who has had a DWI, and we are all terrified of running across a drunk driver. That's why I stay home and drink.

Take a look at your family history, and if it doesn't have alcoholics in it, she is probably just experimenting with little chance for developing problems with it. If there is a family history, be sure to tell her about it - what happened to "uncle Joe", etc.

The big thing is DWI. If she (or her driving friend) is underage, most states have a zero-tolerance law for DWI. In other words, one shot is legally the same as a DWI. $10 grand easy.

Shs sounds smart enough that she would see the sense in this concern.

dont do a thing. in fact, go get a pint of rum and a two liter of coke and drink it with her. teach her how to drink responsibly.

I was drunk most of my 16-21 years, but (okay, trust me here) today, I'm doing QUITE well socially and academically. my parents decided to intervene by doing it with me and tempering my potential misuse with some well placed guidance. good luck.

:thumbsup:

Please, talk to her. Let her know you care. Let you know you love her. Let her know are concerned that if she drinks, that she is doing so responsibly. Let her know that, if she gets caught by the cops while underage and under the influence, just the slightest bit, she is in for a world of hurt.

But please: She's a 17 year old WOMAN. The things on her chest, the things in her mind and the thing that happens to her every 28 days proves that. Just because a bunch of anal-retentive, right-wing neo-prohibitionists seem to hold sway on our minds changes these facts not one whit. Not one.

You described a very responsible and mature young woman. Let's not get all overboard here. She's not a baby anymore.

this was going to happen. she didn't come home crawling{she'll do that too} and she didn't lie. she has handled herself like an adult.
give her some breathing room -- she's really all grown up -- except for the filing off the rough edges.
you can taalk about the dangers of excessive behavior -- but that's if you haven't already.
just always let her know you love her and want the best for her -- but keep the drama low key at this age.

using good judgment, driving and all that. Plus I'd make sure she knows that if stuff comes down she can call you for help. I know more people who got themselves in a big mess trying to clean a small mess up before their parents found out... Make sure she knows you'd rather help her out of a little jam than try to limit the damage after the a sh*tstorm of trouble that comes when a bad situation hits the fan in a big way.

I never got those parents that said, "If you get into trouble, don't come running to me." Who do they want their kid running to with trouble, the ex-con down the street?

I don't have kids, but am old enough to have (responsibly) fathered a thirteen year-old by now. I'm drawing a blank about what I'd do about my 17 year old daughter coming home with tequila on the breath.

Raises the following questions in my mind:

1) Who's she hanging around with? Nice kids who sometimes get an older friend to pass them a fifth of booze on the side, or little punk-ass bastards with the pants around their thighs and wifebeater shirts? Casual potsmokers who like to cuddle and watch cool movies, or paint huffers who break into cars?

2) Is she sexually active? If so, does she just "hook up" with her guy pals, or does she have a boyfriend? More specifically, does she have a boyfriend who'll keep other guys the hell off of her, if she has a little too much to drink?

The two above questions would be critical to my thinking, as I'd be more afraid of her being sexually assaulted than her skirting around the law proscribing alcohol from teenagers. I couldn't even begin to count the number of times I've heard of teenage girls getting gang-raped at what were, one hour earlier, innocent teenage booze parties.

3) What's the driving situation? REALLY. If you live in a town with mass transit and she's with a group of people, and they're all on the BART, then that's one thing. If she's with another teen, and they're both hammered, driving around in some damn teen-car convertible, well, you could easily wind up in a position where both of you wish you were dead, every moment for the rest of your lives. Show her some biographies of quadraplegic burn victims with the mentality of a four-year-old, post drunken-teen car crash.

I would think it would be hard to apply any general advice, however - everybody's unique. I advise against the Silent Treatment, however - that's a very cruel tactic, and should be reserved for spouses you intend to divorce, co-workers who try to get you fired, and the like.

Tell her it's Vodka or she's tossed out on the street.

:evilgrin:

she needs a consequence...she lives in YOUR HOUSE...tell her the rules...NO drinking or drugs in HER body or brought into her house..do it..Ive just been thru HELL with my 20 yr old son who I charged when I found him with drugs in my house..You want to act like an adult???then pay for it..I charged my son 1000 dollars for bringing a joint of marijuana into my house..tough shite..they think they are adults at this age...then make them pay as ADULTS if they think they are..
I made my son move out too...No more people in my house with illegal behaviour OR drugs..period.

I see it as a form of cruelty.

She didn't lie about it - that's good. Now TALK TO HER about WHY it's not a good idea for her to be drinking. Don't say it's hard because of what YOU did - what YOU did made you the person you are TODAY.

i want the situation to be resolved in the typical 30 minutes it takes to solve problems in my sitcom-soaked worldview.

I'm still waiting for her to get home from work, which should be in about an hour. Have decided to talk with her; find out more details about the situation last night (like who was driving and if they were drinking) and discuss the possible consequences. We'll go from there. There's no point in grounding a 17 year old, but I may make her clean the entire house tomorrow (hee hee). I'll update tomorrow and let everyone know the outcome. Thanks again for all the advice; was a huge help.

I had 3 teenaged boys at the same time, and let me tell you this.. The MORE you nag them, the sneakier they get..

Our boys always knew that we did not WANT them drinking, but we were smart enough to know that they might would, so we just laid out the facts, and reminded them that they were NEVERNEVERNEVER to ride with anyone who had even had ONE drink or that they were never allowed to DRIVE themselves if they had been drinking..

We gave them each a phone card so that they could always call us, not matter what time it was or where they were...no questions asked...


My husband & I have both had good friends killed in alcohol-related car accidents and the boys got the message..

At 17, you are not likely to be able to change her habits.. She has been learning all along, and she is almost grown..

If I were in your shoes (and I have been there) I would sit her down tomorrow and lay it out straight to her...


1. drinking "can" be fun
2. if everyone else is drinking it's natural to want to do it too
3. no one ever drove drunk expecting to die in an accident
4. after the accident, it's too late to un-do it.
5. drunk girls are easy prey for drunk boys
6. a drunken sexual encounter could leave you DEAD from a disease that you won't even know about until later
7. a drunken sexual encounter could leave you poor for life if a baby results from it, and all your college plans are screwed..
8. your parents are NOT the enemy... we have been where YOU are, but you have not yet been where WE are..
9. drinking itself is not the issue, it's the lack of self control that's the problem here
10. an arrest can ruin things for a long time, and in most states teens CAN be tried as adults..

I would not try to "punish" her, because she does not really think she did anything wrong.. If she is headed for college, there is nothing you will be able to do to her then, punishment-wise..

Sorry to be so bleak, but the "boy" version of those 10 things seemed to work for 2 of the 3.. The other one?? well. let's just say his self-destructive streak was 10 miles wide.. He is 25 now and a straightarrow, but I never thought he would live to be 21 :(

Well - we had the talk. As my daughter tells it, she was at a friend's house, other people were there. One girl in particular gets under her skin. Anyhow - this girl had a bottle of tequila and was daring my daughter to take a shot in front of everyone.
"Ever done a shot of tequila before?"
"No."
"Wanna try it?"
"Not really."
"Afraid to do it?"
"No."

My child then proceeds to down a shot of tequila just to prove she could. Reminds me of a scene from maybe a dozen teen movies; peer-pressure at it's finest. She reassured me she has limits and would not have continued to drink, like, the whole bottle.

The driving issue was raised - the person driving didn't drink and when I asked her about it, my daughter looked at me and said "don't worry Mom, I'm not that stupid."

All I can do is hope I taught her well and believe what she tells me. I have to understand I can't be there to protect her anymore and she does know she can call me anytime if she's ever in a sticky situation.