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INSIDER STORY – EXCLUSIVE TO DU!
(By Nancy Greggs)
Few people realize that there is a new tradition since the beginning of the Bush tenure in office, a little-known celebration called “Government Appreciation Day”, which is celebrated in D.C. on the Saturday following Memorial Day.
Thanks to knowing someone who knows someone, I was able to wangle myself an invitation to this year’s festivities, and I thought I’d share the experience.
The day kicked off with a parade, and all of the floats were so fantastic, it’s hard to choose the best among them. So I’ll just give you a brief description of this year’s award winners.
The Big Pharma float won top honors, and for good reason. The float consisted of a giant maze of flowering shrubbery, through which hapless seniors tried to navigate their way. The Conservative American Horticulture Society (a subsidiary of Halliburton) designed the piece, and the multi-million dollar cost to taxpayers was well worth it.
Trailing behind the float was a band of silver-haired citizens, who shook their prescription pill bottles (filled with pebbles, since they can no longer afford the actual medication). It sounded like maracas, and gave the whole thing a Latin flair!
The second prizewinner was the Katrina/NOLA portion of the parade, dozens of empty FEMA trailers being pulled by former New Orleans residents. (I’m told they were paid $10 each for their participation, and Babs Bush was gushing in her “They’re much better off now” praise of the participants’ efforts.)
This year’s “President’s Choice” award went to the Big Oil float, a massive 300-wheeler that took up an entire city block! The float was festooned with dead, oil-encrusted waterfowl floating belly-up on a simulated ‘lake’ made entirely of $50,000 bills permanently sealed in layers of Verathane! I was told the bills were real, but I can’t verify that – anyway, it was a sight to behold!
I must confess I never did get to see the real show-stopper, the War in Iraq float. Apparently it’s progressing at such a fast pace, no one can visually keep up with it. But we were assured that it was ‘turning corners’ all morning!
The parade ended with hundreds of straggling schoolchildren waving “Just because we have no funding doesn’t mean we were LEFT BEHIND!” banners – and they just couldn’t have been cuter!
After the parade, we headed for the picnic grounds where displays were set up by various organizations and corporations. AT&T employees handed out ‘Frequent Wire-Tapped’ air-miles coupons to all and sundry, while tiny flags (set at half-staff to commemorate the death of democracy) were distributed free-of-charge by the R.N.C.
And don’t think that our elected representatives weren’t out in force, willing to participate in contests that proved to be real crowd-pleasers! There was a paper-shredding contest, where senators and congressmen formed tag-teams and fed copies of the Constitution into the shredders as fast as they could! It was hilarious to see them all actually working for a change, and their speed was absolutely dazzling!
Many of the midway-style games had line-ups as far as the eye could see, including Dick Cheney’s ‘Shoot The Lawyer’ game, the ‘Guess The Final Financial Cost of the Iraq War’ competition, and Bill Frist’s ‘Instant Diagnosis’ tent was absolutely mobbed the entire afternoon!
There were many booths set up, but the Diebold display proved to be the most popular. For a $25 ‘donation’, participants could try their luck on a touch-screen voting machine, which was programmed to read ‘Republican’ no matter who they ‘voted’ for. I understand that the machine was wired so that one vote in a brazillion would come up ‘Democrat’, with a pay-off of $1,000,000 to the lucky winner who hit the jackpot! (Unfortunately, no one hit the jackpot for the fifth year in a row. But hey, there’s always NEXT year!)
No celebration is complete without an air-show, and the participating corporate jets were truly astounding, weaving their way in out of complicated loops and swirls high over our heads, with all the skill and flair of an accountant who knows how to navigate legal loopholes!
The Washington D.C. GOP Dance Troupe (another subsidiary of Halliburton) put on a truly unforgettable performance at dusk. Their maneuverings defied belief, especially the ‘Bend Over & Look Away’ step that has gained them so much recognition of late. The move is dedicated to Congress and Senate members, and artfully depicts their ability to bend over backwards to support the president when he breaks the law, and look the other way while he dismantles our democracy. I’m not exaggerating when I tell you there wasn’t a dry eye in the house.
I’m sure you’re thinking that President Bush wasn’t there, well guess again – and long after his bedtime, too! The President traditionally meets on-stage with actors costumed to represent different ‘cheap labor market’ countries, and solemnly hands over a set of Golden Keys, symbolizing the giving away of American jobs. It was so moving, few in the crowd could contain their tears.
The festivities ended with a giant bonfire that could literally be seen for miles. The shredded paper from the Shred-the-Constitution contest earlier in the day was assembled in a massive pile, and while the national anthem was sung (in ENGLISH, natch!), the ceremonial ‘Bill of Rights’ torch was lit, which set the entire pile of useless paper ablaze.
It was truly a once-in-a-lifetime experience for me to be there, but I’m hoping I will never have an opportunity to attend again.
I’d just like to end my tale by reminding the reader that this ‘insider story’ is a joke.
However, the state of our nation isn’t.
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