Jesus Facing Multiple Charges

Within days of his Second Coming, Jesus Christ (aka Prince of Peace, Savior, The Lord) is facing charges in a number of jurisdictions across the country.

After addressing a crowd in Washington D.C. with what is quickly becoming known as His now-infamous “Blessed are the Peacemakers” speech, Jesus was arrested for holding a political rally without a permit. A possible charge of treason is also pending, given that The Lord’s blatant anti-war statements may constitute a direct threat against the born-again president and his conduct of the war in Iraq.

Later that same day in Orlando, Florida, Jesus was handcuffed by local authorities after feeding a multitude of homeless people who had gathered to hear him speak about being Thy Brother’s Keeper. “We still don’t know how he pulled off the seven loaves and seven fishes thing, but the law is the law,” said the arresting officer, who refused to disclose his identity for fear of losing his immortal soul.

In a related incident, Jesus was again at odds with local authorities in Fresno, California, after attempting to prevent police from destroying makeshift shelters constructed by the homeless. After being read his Miranda rights, the Lord’s only comment was, “As you do to the least among you, so you do unto me.”

Within minutes of posting bail, Jesus reappeared at an Alabama state judicial building where he was promptly arrested for inciting to riot after making a statement about ‘rendering things unto Caesar, and things unto God’. “I knew the kid was a troublemaker the minute he started shooting his mouth off about the separation of church and state,” said a man later identified as one Roy Moore, who was outside the building protesting the removal of a granite monument displaying the Ten Commandments from the premises several years ago.

Jesus wound up his cross-country crime spree with an arrest at a mid-western mega-church, when he was unceremoniously ousted after disrupting a Sunday service by suggesting to the congregation that they do unto others as they would have others do unto them. “I was willing to let the whole thing go,” said the irate pastor, “but then he started emptying the poor box at the back of the church and handing the money out to the poor. When he started talking about he who is without sin casting the first stone, I had no choice but to call the police.” (The name of the pastor is being withheld due to pending litigation involving tax evasion, fraud, and an incident involving a male prostitute.)

While local jurisdictions in various states deal with the pending charges against Christ, Federal authorities are looking into possible ties to terrorist activity. Apparently several phone calls between Jesus and alleged distant relatives in the Middle East have been closely monitored, and further charges may be laid in connection with suspected links to terrorist organizations. “We’re pretty sure that His use of phrases like peace be with you, goodwill to all men is some kind of code," said one source, speaking on the condition of anonymity due to the sensitive nature of the subject matter.

In addition, the Department of Homeland Security is looking into the fact that Jesus was able to transport himself from one place to another without setting off red flags at any airports, despite having been placed on the no-fly list. DHS Chief Michael Chertoff has vowed to investigate the matter fully.

Given the MSM coverage of the now ill-fated Second Coming, Christ’s lawyers are already concerned about His ability to get a fair trial.

“Rush Limbaugh called him a ‘phony Savior’ on his radio show last week,” said a public defender assigned to one of the Christ cases, “and Catholic League president Bill Donahue has already publicly denied him three times. How is the Son of God supposed to get a fair shake?”

In the midst of the controversy, White House spokesperson Dana Perrino fielded a barrage of questions on the topic during a recent press conference. She firmly stated that the president, in keeping with his long-held policy in such matters, refuses to comment on an ongoing investigation.

Although unconfirmed, several reliable sources have indicated that Jesus wept.

Thank you.

This is a wonderful piece and puts the teachings of Christ in a great light against our modern society that would undoubtedly crucify him in a nanosecond if he were to ever grace the world again. In fact, given his genetic heritage he would resemble many of what this nation tends to deem terrorists by mere association or looking like people from the middle east. Imagine if he had a digital camera and was taking touristy shots on a ferry in Washington, or decided to use the typical transport of a cut rate airline. He'd be tackled and shackled for just looking suspicious.

I don't believe a second coming is in our near future and even if it did happen, it would hardly trump something like Brittney Spears latest shennanigans or a soundbyte from Mitt Romney or re-re-re-hashing of the latest political debate. Good works hardly make the news and unless Jesus was willing to raise the sheets, toe tap, or hang out with Mary Magdalene or a bevy of slutty prostitutes he won't get noticed. Sorry Jesus, you just aren't hip enough for the modern world. Stay where you are and let the flotsam and jetsom implode and eat their young in a lemming rush over the cliff of human existence. Try again with another planet of a more evolved species like cockroaches or ameobas.

i couldn't tell if u were seroius or not but if you don't think jesus' second coming would trump "something like brittney spears latest shenanigans", you better reevaluate.

in fact, brittany will be prostrating herself to the Man before it's all said and done, and you're right, that in and of itself may be newsworthy...

Oh, prostrating...never mind...

meant to say, "...second coming wouldn't trump 'something like..."

this brought a lot of tears to my eyes.

Awesome as usual, Nance. :)

You score. K&R.

I have a reason to keep scanning DU for your posts. Linking this to my biker friends. K & R.

You speak what I've often said in passing to friends of both sides (believers and those who 'just haven't got there yet', ha) and that is this - George B*sh and his gestapo of right wing thugs and police state, martial law leaning, 'Sermon on the Mount' hating neocons would have Christ arrested for stirring the masses up, and label him a terrorist within days of such events as you described! There is no DOUBT this would occur, because those very things DO occur all the time. People who truly reflect the will of the LORD in all they do, and I don't claim to be one of them, are rare, but they are often savagely taken down by the powerful and those who have much to "lose" in this world if such things as compassion for others were to fully take root.

The Orlando incident, with the gentleman getting arrested for feeding many homeless, was one to shake our collective heads at not so long ago - I was sickened they would stop someone from blessing others - but that's our sick world.

To say this touched my soul is not strong enough, so I'll say this ---


YOU ARE A WITTY, POWERFULLY GIFTED, SEAMSTRESS OF SUBSTANCE - AND I HONOR YOUR WORK WITH MY DEEPEST WORDS OF THANKS!

May the LORD bless you for speaking words that touch us, amen!

themartyred

... for looking at me though such kind eyes.

I don't know if I've mentioned this but in my day job, I work for Beliefnet. May I share this on our boards?

although quite bittersweet. This is exactly what would have happened to him. And the so-called value voters have no idea as to Jesus' real meaning, as the are truly not the Godly party. I applaud you for capturing it so well, right down to Dana Perino giving a press conference.

Absolutely without peer.

Kicked and Recommended.

Of course.

Though many may think that the 2nd coming will go down that way, well it won't. That type of scenario applied to the 1st round and if transposed to today's settings would no doubt be worse than the scene you've painted. The 2nd round is the battle between good and evil and I don't mean bush and osama doing battle with each other as both will be the enemy of the Lord.

that His final appearance will be swift & go as He plans.

I enjoy this story because of the backwards realm we seem to be living in. Being fictional does not make it less poignant, as I'm sure you'll agree. When people do incredibly blessed and compassionate actions they are met far too frequently with a slap from local or national government, or worse - a trip to the crossbar motel.

This story by Nance sums up many people's basic lack of decorum and anti-Christian judgment upon those who even try to share love in the manner that Christ Himself showed to people regardless of their own belief. We see how quickly the establishment bucks those who try and help others in a self-sacrificing manner. That, to me, is what this story is all about - those who are being Christlike are being persecuted for their rocking-the-boat ways and are not appreciated by the establishment. The Katrina "response" by the gov't and Blackwater comes to mind. You had so many loving people trying to get in there to do the right thing that wasn't being done, and in response they had guns being pointed at them.

I wish I could recommend this to thousands, as it is well written, but I've a feeling it will make it's way around to many.

are persecuted and put down. The ones that seem to be in the limelight and praised are those that are pretty bad it seems. Besides some of the obvious like bush, there is too much about spears, hilton, etc. and I do believe that crap overshadows the real news people just don't want you to hear or see as it is that bad. The worst evil doesn't like being exposed either.

didn't mean to hijack a lovely thread. sorry.

Can you rephrase it?

Nance's article is lovely.

Pleas let's not ruin this wonderful thread with an argument about religion.

I will delete that post. my apologies.

Jesus Christ, a proud liberal. ~PEACE~

I may be an atheist, but I still see this as genius.

Fantastic post, and thank you!

Absolutely brilliant.

And don't think I haven't noticed that you stay out of most of the threads in GDP these days. Your wisdom would be too much for some of those threads.

I come to your words like a parched woman, thirsting for the crystal clear quenching that you are able to give.

As someone else said, I wish I could recommend you more than once. Your words belong on the Greatest Page, not some of the bullshit that is making it there these days.

You write a book, I buy it. Simple as that.

.

With Bush saying, "I will do anything to keep America safe. But we do not torture. But I'll do anything to keep America safe."

This time, YOU were the lightning.

Nice going!

Whether one believes Jesus to be holy incarnate, or just another scrawny social malcontent prophet of his era, the thing that's always amazed me - and I was raised Catholic - is how so many of his supposed followers completely miss the essential point of his life: he spoke out against tyranny and power, and having gained a following because of his philosophies, the Powers That Be removed him from the equation.

I see so many so-called "Christians" (Nietzsche proclaimed the last true "Christian" died on the cross) wrap themselves, their cause, their movement, in the trappings of the Prince of Peace, yet embody the exact opposite i.e. spirit of anti-Christ?

I am a Christian. I am proud of that fact. I am sad however in the way bushco has twisted Christian values. He represents NOTHING of what Jesus represented.

What I believe would truly make Christ weep is how some use his name to further their agenda. It has given all Christians a bad reputation. I know many loving Christians that truly embody the sprit of Christ. My mother in law for one. She is amazing. So kind, forgiving, loving, compasionate, and generous. The people like her that are out there every day trying their best to help those that can not help themselves, never asking for recognition, are the spirit of God.

Thank you Nancy for another spot on post. :yourock:

Jesus was never a Christian; in fact that term was not even coined until the days of Paul.

Jesus was a social justice, radical revolutionary Palestinian devout Jewish Road Warrior who ROSE UP and challenged the job security of the Temple Priests by teaching the people they did not need to pay the priests for ritual baths or sacrificing livestock to be OK with God-for God LOVED them just as they were; sinners, outcasts, diseased, cripples, poor, oppressed widows, orphans, refugees and prisoners all enduring under Roman Occupation.



What got Jesus crucified was disturbing the status quo of the ROF/Roman Occupying Forces by teaching such subversive concepts that Caesar only had power because God allowed it and that God was on the side of the sinners, outcasts, diseased, cripples, poor, oppressed widows, orphans, refugees and prisoners all enduring under Roman Occupation.



The early followers and lovers of Jesus were called members of THE WAY; being THE WAY he taught, which was that to be forgiven you must forgive and LOVE your enemies-NOT bomb, torture or occupy them!

JC also said tha his sisters and brothers are those that DO the WILL of the Father:

"What does God require? He has told you o'man! Be just, be merciful, and walk humbly with your Lord." -Micah 6:8



2,000 years ago the cross had NO symbolic religious meaning. When Jesus said: "Pick up your cross and follow me" he was issuing a political statement.

2,000 years ago the main road to Jerusalem was filled with crucified rebels, dissidents, outlaws, outcasts and any other sinner, outcast, diseased, cripple, poor, oppressed person who disturbed the status quo of the elite ROF.


e
http://www.wearewideawake.org/

:applause: I have a republican Aunt (actually, I think she is a horribly confused Democrat) whos favorite saying is "God helps those who help themselves". I would never point out to her the inaccuracy of that statement but I can't help but cringe every time she says it.

That read something along the lines of Jesus saying, "go ahead and grow it as long as you want."

Incidentally, my own is almost waist-length :D

mine is shoulder blade length, I send it in for wigs to be made for Cancer Kids.

Dats what I'm talk'n 'bout! :hug: :loveya: NG!

Hope you don't mind my sharing this, Nancy. :yourock:

Frickin' excellent.

Recommended with ferocity.

I can't help but to wish everyone would read this. You are truly inspired and blessed by the Lord. HEY, just think, maybe real Christians will start to stand up and be noticed...... by their fruits you will know them.... you have shown great fruit even if you never write another word. GOD BLESS YOU

dead, turning water into wine, and stopping the 'stoning' of some outcast person. I left 'christianity' because they fail to acknowledge what Jesus actually taught and was about. Christianity is a religion about the man and book, not the message of Jesus.

rounded up anyone who dared to follow this subversive terrorist, too. I would have only added the numerous times he would have been tasered for his actions before finally being removed to GITMO.

The other day a good friend told me her daughter had damn near been fired from her job at Borders cafe for giving stale baked goods she had been instructed to throw into a dumpster to a homeless woman she encountered near the trash bin out back. The girl was reprimanded by management and the cost of the few cookies and muffins was deducted from her paycheck. She was only doing what she had been taught to do as a Christian, but her corporate masters would have none of it.

Jesus would weep.

... for flattened cardboard boxes that were being tossed into the trash by some company. She was donating them to charity organizations who needed them. When the company discovered this woman had been pilfering their trash, they happily began CHARGING HER for the boxes!

I don't recall where/when this was. It was a long time ago that I heard it -- heard it, but could not believe it.

management that giving the baked goods to the woman was "stealing." How's that for warped thinking?

:hug:

You have composed the perfect Christmas card. Who needs Hallmark?

Superb, Nance. Just superb.

Thank you Nance.

Recommended. :thumbsup:

Well done.

this was too funny....

Brilliant as always, Ms Nancy!

(although I thought the LEFT hand was raised to swat)

You should submit this somewhere else besides here so more people can read it.

This reminds me of the novel "The Messiah of Morris Avenue" by Tony Hendra. It's a look at what would probably happen if Jesus really did come back to this country in this time of false "Christians".

Your version is a lot funnier, in a sad way.

I thought for sure that would make it into the bit about the megachurch.

They'd crucify him all over again.

mighty warrior consumed with hatred and revenge - just like them.

Isn't it funny that we each see Him in our own idealistic image?

Your insights and writing never fail to inspire. Thank you.

Excellent parable, Nance.

Hekate

I just heard Thom Hartman read your essay on his show! Contrats! :applause: :woohoo:

That's amazing!!!

:applause:

I'm new around here, but if I might piggy back what Nancy said with this video I made:
Link 1: http://youtube.com/watch?v=KsF-RiMzGpk
Link 2: http://youtube.com/watch?v=t8xufsr2log

Good day to all, as far as that is possible...

And this is a great post NanceGreggs, Thanks
PS I recomended this, Wish I could do it twice :)

How come the more "Christian" we become, the less Christian we become?

Superb piece.

Thank you, NG.

Nance,

The marvelous and intelligent Thom Hartmann quoted your post on his radio program on Air America; AM1090 here in Seattle. It was so moving I had to search out and read the original post, and then I had to become a member of Democratic Underground.

BTW, may I recommend "The Christian Nation Myth" at http://www.infidels.org/library/modern/farrell_till/myth.html.

Thanks for bringing me to the flock!

Welcome to the DU Family, greyshade!

:hi:

Because you could, you know.

Very nice, k-n-r

Thanks very much. I wonder - is anybody out there trying to get the Sermon on the Mount, or just the Beatitudes, posted in courthouses? Or do the courthouse religious activists only want to promote the "vengeful strict father" God who smites and punishes?

:eyes:

You're stealing that line from Vonnegut obviously.

i have it on good authority the Lord is indeed on his way and don't worry, he will be bringing his angels & saints, his prophets & his people with him. jesus will no doubt be using all measures at his disposal.

nance greggs nails much of it on its head, but of course there will be so much more.

the first responder said jesus wasn't "modern enough" for today's world, and it's best we take what we can from the ol' Nazarene and run with it. rubbish. jesus will be both proto-modern, and living the life of an ancient, as only the Lord knows how to do.

some things might surprise you. e.g., jesus will have multiple women looking out for him. no one really thinks Jesus is only going to have one girlfriend, or one wife, do you?

for another, it won't take long for him to whip those moral majority fundies into shape after turning them on their head. for jesus, this will be child's play. he will only be bitterly sorry he could not have done it sooner.

i could go on but it really isn't necessary. coming right behind this ol' bad world burning itself out in such a horribly grotesque fashion, is the kingdom & queendom of God, of heaven on earth, and the Lord will be here soon to show us the way.

great piece. thanks again.

Laughing and sobbing all at once. That was just beyond brilliant.

Can I e-mail this to just about every human being I've ever been in contact with? Please?! :hi:

Everyone is free to do so! (I only ask that you credit me as author, and give credit to DemocraticUnderground as the original publisher, if you cross-post to other websites.)

i found out about your piece from the thom hartman show too, and it indeed compelled me to come to your site and participate.

again, well done.

:toast:

:toast:

Mr. Christ was seen trying to help a young teenage girl hit in the face by a policeman and a woman in an airport who was set upon by police after protesting her treatment by airline authorities. He has been charged with conspiracy to resist arrest and interfering with law enforcement. "He wouldn't just let the police do their job; he was a real troublemaker, saying something about us doing to him the the same that we're doing to the suspect. So we tasered him 20 times before we could get him to shut up and cooperate."

nt

Thom Hartman!!

Perfect!

Bravo!

I have as of late, wondered what would happen if Christ came back today. Your post was funny, irreverent, touching, and heartbreaking...all at the same time. I plan to take it to my Sunday School class this week end. I am sure it will be greatly enjoyed (we tend to be very liberal).

of DU, and for good

you pull me back in.

K&R yet again...

This is a modern remake of the chapter in The Brothers Karamozov titled "The Grand Inquisitor",
in which Christ comes back during the Grand Inquisition and gets promptly thrown in jail.

The Inquisitor's main complaint is that Jesus would undo the control the church exerted
over the people and they couldn't have that.

The Inquisitor lets him go after telling him that Jesus had come to set men free but that
there was nothing people feared more than freedom. Sort of appropriate for our times.

The OP, however, is not "remaking" a chapter from one of literature's greatest novels, D.'s "The Brothers Karamazov."

What the OP has written here is merely unoriginal, poorly executed satire.

:rofl:

Lemme know when you have a thread with 137 (and counting!) Recommendations. :eyes:

I edited out a comment about the quality of writing present in the OP. In what way does that indicate envy?

You're a peach.:eyes:

:D

This is the true heart of Christianity.

That is so much fun!

Edited to add:

Almost feels like an onion article.

:applause:

I have always thought that if He came back now that these things would actually happen to Him. George Bush would put Jesus right into Guantanamo if He came back now. One thing I know for sure....Jesus weeps. Thanks for your awesome writing once again.

I keep remembering the Gandhi quote “Its not that I hate your Christ, I just dislike your Christian, they are so unlike your Christ”.

The funniest part of a very funny and moving post.

This would be a better place. Jesus was all about action and not that much about faith. Modern Christians, the evangelical kind specially are the opposite they are all about faith (which is the easy part) and do little or nothing. Talking is cheap, doing is hard... and most people who label themselves as Christians would be the first one to staple Jesus back on to the cross if he was to come back.

I any case, I am with Ghandi on this one: "I have no problem with Jesus, in fact I think he was a fantastic fellow... it is his followers of who I am afraid."

Most Christians just use a perverted version of the religion tailored to make them feel good about themselves, nothing to do with what the teachings of Jesus were all about. There is little difference between a corporate motivational speaker and most modern day (or yesteryear for that matter) preachers.

:applause:

just taught at the Regent Law School for Christ?

One of your best posts ever. It seems like I say that every time though.

"If Jesus came back today, he'd be thrown in jail." Nice work providing the details. :yourock:

(in the 1950's he was held for contempt after refusing to speak to the House Unamerican Actitivities Committee)

Last seen here:

:thumbsup:

Damn post actually brought tears to my eyes.

... and a hearty welcome to the DU Family!

:hi:

:spank: Jesus was a Liberal!

Excellent piece as always!
:applause:

thank you!

Your talent is inspiring!!!

I first heard of your post on the car radio this afternoon. Couldn't wait to get home and read it myself.

Sincere thanks.

All I can do is :cry:

This was probably your best ever (and that's saying something!)

This was laugh-out loud funny, but heartbreaking at the same time. I remember getting in BIG trouble at church a few years back when I suggested that if we were looking for Jesus today, he'd be comforting a homeless AIDS patient, not hanging out with the rich surburban white folks. That didn't go down too well. American "Christians" are so far disconnected from the teachings of the Jesus they profess to "believe in."

Think Jesus got in trouble with the authorities in Jerusalem? Try George Bush's "Christian" America!!

(And it's AWESOME that this piece was read on Thom Hartmann's show!!) :applause:

Get some slack.

Glad to be early and give it #171... :)

I am pretty overwhelmed by the response.

I hope everyone here realizes how much I appreciate their comments, their encouragement - and most of all, their constant inspiration!

Keep up the great work :toast:

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :yourock:

I can see already that this one is going to be distributed far and wide, and I'm going to do my bit to help it along!

... and thanks to all here who have been so kind in their comments.

Excellent!

Bake

just want to come back and simply say "thanx" before this dropped like a stone to nowheresville in the land of the 'net.

this piece made my week.

now onto Armageddon!!!

:)