Hey Guys, I have an idea, let's bash some REPUBLICANS!

Mitt Romney:
Look, up in the sky, it's a bird, it's a plane, it's Mitt Romney's dog strapped to the roof of an SUV! This guy has done more flip flops than Greg Louganis. If you had to just rely on his speeches you'd never in a million years what state he happened to be governor of. He's done everthing he could to appeal to GOP primary voters short of proclaiming his conversion to Jerry Falwell's church--and don't think the didn't poll test it! Despite Jerry Fallwell's avid support, the fundamentalists ain't voting for no Morman, who believes that the devil is the brother of Jesus. On the plus side, big business loves him, after all he's the only candidate who single handedly revived an industry. Of course it's only the men's cosmetic industry--at least the hair care end of it--but who's counting. I wonder how much HE spends on a haircut.

Rudy Guiliani:
Ah the hero of 9/11. The down and out much despised New York City Mayor who was a freaking bad joke with his highly public affairs and subseqent highly public divorce until one day a group of terrorists decided to ram planes full of jet fuel and innocent passengers into the tallest buildings in Rudy's city. Lucky Rudy, who had insisted on putting his emergency command post under said skyscrapers was out on the street with TV cameras rolling, providing the best campaign footage ever. He bacame a national hero overnight--mainly due to the fact that the sitting president was either trying to finish "My Pet Goat" or being smacked into some sort of presentable state by Dick Cheney, Karl Rove and a squad of Secret Service Agents. As a result, Rudy is at a loss to talk about anything without bringing up 9/11, even why his wife du jour insists on calling him during campaign appearances. This family values guy is not on speaking terms with his own kids. He's made millions providing his security advise to people like the Emir of Qatar, a guy who's rumored to be playing both ends against the middle in the terrorist game and of course is noted for his patronage of the mob friendly, ground zero despoiling Bernard Kerik, who Rudy thought so highly of that he recommended for Secretary of Homeland Security. Still, he's the savior of the neocons and the mainstream media thinks enoough of his security credentials to breathlessly predict his revival due to the assassination of Benezir Bhutto.

Fred Thompson:
The great white hope of the conservative movement turned out to be Night of the Living Dead. This guy looks so unhappy it's easy to believe that his hot young wife was jonesing for the White House more than he is. "Freddie, Sweetie, if you become president I'll put on my thong and we can play Bill & Monica in the Lincoln Bedroom." Now that's a game plan!

Mike Huckabee:
Holy Elmer Gantry, Batman! This guy's a fundamentalist preacher with populist leanings and he's running first in the GOP polls! Watch the GOP true believers turn purple: Rush Limbaugh and that guy who wants to drown the government in the bathtub are having fits. They've been duping the fundamentists into voting for them for years thinking that they were too dumb to realize what was happening. Maybe it was those charming e-mails between Jack Abramoff and his co-conspirators that called them a bunch of idiots. Now the fundies have turned the tables and are backing a Baptist Preacher who doesn't believe in evolution (much less social Darwinism), wants to help the poor and called the sacred George Bush, arrogant. Watch the shit hit the fan if he wins Iowa!

Ron Paul:
My personal choice to win the New Hampshire primary--Ron Paul has put together a motley coalition of Ayn Rand devotees, anarchists, Nadarites and archeoconservatives to become the hottest thing on the Internet. On foreign policy he sounds like Noam Chompsky but lefties beware--this guy would dump the New Deal in a heartbeat. Still, it's fun to see him outraising the anointed Republican candidates.

John McCain:
Was there ever a sadder sight. Straight Talk Johnny's a true, blue conservative of the old school that even Democrats could once admire. Unfortunately, he's veered back and forth between dissing major factions in the Republican Party and sucking up to those same factions. Saddest sight of all, desperate old John gripping torturer in chief, George W. Bush, in a hug around the president's butt, because McCain, whose arms were stretched out of shape by VietCong torturers, could not raise his arms high enough to grip the man who smeared his wife and daughter in a proper manly bear hug. "What does it profit a man to gain the whole world but lose his soul?" sadly, Straight Talk Johnnie will be lucky if he gains New Hampshire.

We're not running against them yet.

Never, ever forget that.

I'd only add that Fred Thompson is not only an awful candidate, he was awful on Law & Order--read today where one pundit timed the decline of that show with his arrival on the scene.

WOW! Just LOVE this rant - perfection! A fun read, and dead on the money on every point!

:applause: :applause: :applause:

This is just a terrific piece of writing! Thanks again for posting it!

I suppose Roberts could make more as president than he does as chief justice--I mean a guy has to live.

He'd draw from a 'centrist' Dem, because he is one.

Interesting times.

traitor.

There's SO much more material - and motive.

Rudy alone is worth his own rather long thread

There's Rudy in drag: what's your favorite Rockette Rudy or Marie Antoinette Rudy?

Christie Latigano (Rudy's former press secretary and pre Judy gal pal du jour).

The former Mrs. G, Donna Hanover, star of the "Vagina Monologues".

Rudy the scourge of ferrets everywhere.

The fun has just begun!

Duncan Hunter: Delusional leader of a movement which consists of himself and his wife.

Let's wait and see which one of their sorry candidates they decide to run. Don't show your hand too early.