Researchers: Democratic Primary in Need of Exorcism

WASHINGTON, DC (Writers) - After several weeks of dissecting news articles and performing thorough internet research, researchers at the Democratic Progress Institute have concluded that pure evil has intruded into the Democratic Primary and an exorcism is needed.

"I'm astounded by the results," Dr. Horace Schwing, head researcher at the DPI, said. "It appears that Democrats consider every candidate in their party's nomination process to be purely evil."

Schwing and his fellow researchers analyzed the statements of several hundred active Democrats over a six month period from both major periodicals and liberal news sites. They took tallies of various labels from the purely negative "eats babies" to the much milder "yanks on dog chains." They then weighted the tallies and applied them to a 10-point "evilness scale."

None of the candidates rated lower than a 9.9 out of a possible 10.

"'Racist,''Sexist,''Homophobe' - they all rate high," said Schwing. "Then there the more severe labels, such as 'the Son or Daughter of Satan,' and 'Kitten Slayer.' All of them are also disturbingly high."

Schwing suggests that the Democratic Party immediately contact the Catholic Parish in Denver to set-up an exorcism for this August's Democratic Party Convention in the city.

"We're working on it. We're working on it," DNC Chairman Howard Dean said. "It's going to take a little bit of extra cash, a lot of candles, and a few priests, but we're working on it. We can't formalize the nomination process without getting rid of the evil mojo."

Father Chico Toca of the Denver Diocese believes the evil formed after two gusts of hot air circulated somewhere above South Carolina. "I've never seen anything like it in my 27 years in the priesthood. It's the Perfect Storm of Eeeevvil."

None of the top three Democratic candidates could be reached for comment. Chairman Dean hopes to have the exorcism proceedings ready for the third day of the convention.

"We recommend all delegates arrive with a crucifix that day," he said. "If you don't have one we'll hand them out at the door. Everyone needs to be prepared."

- 30 -

Everyone in here is caught-up with the SC results.

If they only knew that there might be some Balrog slaying come August.

~Writer~

this convention. Don't forget your party bag on your way out."

... with unionized dwarves, though?

- Dave

Balrog-slaying is messy work that most dwarves don't want to do.

:kick:

Excellent!