BREAKING: Jesus Christ to return to Earth to endorse Obama

BREAKING: Jesus Christ to return to Earth to endorse Obama
The King of Kings to endorse Obama on Tuesday at a rally in Branson.
Critics play down the value of the endorsement.

By Sniffa
Published: January 27, 2008

Branson, MO - Stunning news from the Kingdom of Heaven, as Jesus has announced his long awaited return to Earth; though not to begin the Revelations, but to throw his considerable weight behind the candidacy of Barrack Obama, the Junior Senator from Illinois in his hard fought battle against Hillary Clinton for the Presidency.

The endorsement is a major coup for the Obama campaign, as the Huckabee camp had been actively seeking the Lord's backing. Reached for comment, Governor Huckabee congratulated the Senator on the endorsement, but then went on to question whether this was the one and true, Jesus, further ratcheting up the vitriol in an already, increasingly negative campaign.

"If one takes a look at where the endorsement is going to take place - Branson - one has to seriously question whether this is really the true Jesus, or is it the Mormon Jesus" said Huckabee. "And as I'm sure I don't need to remind you, Mormon Jesus is the brother of Satan. That's not a potato sack I wish to climb into."

The Clinton campaign was also quick to dismiss the endorsement. In a conference call with reporters, Chief Clinton strategist Mark Penn questioned whether the endorsement would make much of a difference.

"Look, when you take a step back and look at the big picture, this endorsement doesn't mean that much," opined Penn. "Polling trends have shown that church attendance have been on the wane for decades. And I'd also like to point out that Barrack Hussein Obama has claimed that this race is about the past versus the future. Well you can't get more in the past than 33 A.D."

Mark Penn went on to compare the Son of God unfavorably to Senator John Kerry's unsuccessful bid for the White House in 2004.

"Look, it doesn't surprise me that Jesus and Kerry have both decided to join the Obama camp," said Penn. "In 2004, Kerry didn't fight back against the swift boating, and Jesus didn't fight back against the Romans when they crucified him. You can expect the same response from Obama when the right wing smear machine gets going. Senator Clinton is the only candidate with the proven track record of fighting back."

The Obama campaign plans to release a statement later today.

Sniffa is a contributing writer to Democratic Underground.

:rofl:

you are the best! :pals:

"In 2004, Kerry didn't fight back against the swift boating, and Jesus didn't fight back against the Romans when they crucified him. You can expect the same response from Obama when the right wing smear machine gets going. Senator Clinton is the only candidate with the proven track record of fighting back."

oh my!

Bishop George "Dogma" Carlin has decided not to stay home and will go to the polls to support OBAMA!

The Bishop commented that his varied experiences as "A stand-up smart ass comedian", as "Mr. Conductor (PBS);" and as "The Bishop" (Dogma) has convinced him that "The Nation needs to set aside all this petty bullshit bickering and reconcile." <heaven's part and bright light passes through> O8) :party:

and pass on periodic guidance to Obama that he receives from "MOM and DAD." :yoiks:

:yourock:

I thought Obama wants his campaign to be about the future? This really doesn't help his cause.

:rofl:

forgive me, fodder, for I have sinned.

blasfunny!

past, present and to come, ageless, walks in eternity, not bound by space and time and so on.

You mortals! Do we have to keep explaining it to you?

And Satan already endorsed Hillary, so that was out of the question :evilgrin:

Based on the whole Matthew 25 thing though, I would have thought JC would go for Edwards over Obama.

The country has already been taken to Hell

Bush is the Anti-Christ

Including Tweety who's nipples got hard just thinking about having a beer with the Bush

:thumbsup:

k&r

Loved the post, got me to laugh.

That said, I think it's a tragedy for someone to call Hillary the devil. Can we all be grownups here???

This IS hugh!1!! :rofl:

:rofl: Excellent work Sniffa!

for a very funny piece.

"My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world."
-- George Bernard Shaw; 1907

:evilgrin:

:evilgrin:

You think the Son of God would be just a regular delegate?

:sarcasm:

as in "Jesus H. Christ!"

:sarcasm:

:eyes:

Thanks for the laugh! :rofl:

now they can make cheap wine with virtually no overhead!

you mean Obama ISN'T Jesus?


Nice job, sniffa.

Reached for comment, the Norse deity replied, "What can I say, I'm a war god. I like blowing stuff up."

<tongue-in-cheek> ;)

The endorsement is useless. I mean, Jesus can't vote, he's not an American.

And he's a foreigner... Probably a 'GASP' illegal alien.

Funny, on Bill Maher Richard Peltzer was deriding the Republicans as having Jesus as their running mate. Obama is not that different.

You fucking rule. :applause:

Maybe Pat Robertson will even contemplate suicide...

I have underestimated the powers of the ABC contingent.

Not only funny, but so well written, too! Good stuff! :thumbsup:

PS: I can't believe Jesus didn't enforse the Goddess of Peace, but WTF, he must have his reasons :evilgrin:

Im a HILLARY SUPPORTER, it's a joke, settle down!

Absolutely hysterical!

The only positive to Obama that Mark Penn would concede is that "Jesus finally saw the light and turned away from Muslim to Jew." But he quickly followed up with, "But that was just for this campaign, he'll go back to THAT faith" if the American electorate DARE RISK electing Obama. :crazy:

http://zemerl.com/cgi-bin//show.pl?title=Longhaired+Radical+Socialist+Jew

long-haired radical socialist Jew
1996 Hugh Blumenfeld/Hydrogen Jukebox Music

Well Jesus was a homeless lad
With an unwed mother and an absent dad
And I really don't think he would have gotten that far
If Newt, Pat and Jesse had followed that star

Refrain: So let's all sing out praises to
That long-haired radical socialist Jew

When Jesus taught the people he
Would never charge a tuition fee
He just took some fishes and some bread
And made up free school lunches instead
So let's all sing out praises to....

He healed the blind and made them see
He brought the lame folks to their feet
Rich and poor, any time, anywhere
Just pioneering that free health care
So let's all sing out praises to....

Jesus hung with a low-life crowd
But those working stiffs sure did him proud
Some were murderers, thieves and whores
But at least they didn't do it as legislators
So let's all sing out praises to....

(Modulate to A)

Jesus lived in troubled times
the religious right was on the rise
Oh what could have saved him from his terrible fate?
Separation of church and state.
So let's all sing out praises to....

Sometimes I fall into deep despair
When I hear those hypocrites on the air
But every Sunday gives me hope
When pastor, deacon, priest, and pope
Are all singing out their praises to
Some long-haired radical socialist Jew.

They're singing out their praises to..oooo..oooo..
Some long-haired radical socialist Jew.

Jesus was a Capricorn, he ate organic foods.
He believed in love and peace and never wore no shoes.
Long hair, beard and sandals and a funky bunch of friends.
Reckon they'd just nail him up if He come down again.


That's an old Kristofferson song but come to think of it the rest of it fits...describing the politics of division.

'Cos everybody's got to have somebody to look down on.
Who they can feel better than at anytime they please.
Someone doin' somethin' dirty, decent folks can frown on.
If you can't find nobody else, then help yourself to me.

Egg Head's cussin Red Neck's cussin' hippies for their hair.
Others laugh at straights who laugh at freaks who laugh at squares.
Some folks hate the whites who hate the blacks who hate the clan.
Most of us hate anything that we don't understand.

Thank you, Jesus O8)

Didn't he throw the moneychangers out of the temple?

But here's the biggest problem. We know we have to fight for the election. Jesus once said "Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth." Will he advise Obama to be a meek victim? We don't want to inherit the earth! We want to win the election! I fear this endorsement will backfire on Obama.

IF he is the convention nominee. Something is up.

You can't take all those deferred TAX DOLLARS with you when you're dead. ;)

what a lovely photo. Where's it from?

1. Jesus does NOT have a Visa. This makes him an illegal alien. (call Tancredo)

2. Last we heard of Jesus he had been crucified. It means he's probably really here to sponge off our world class health care

3. Jesus wears a beard and sandals.

4. He was openly critical of prominent religious figures in his region -- He probably hates Christmas (just ask Bill O' Reilly)

5. The worst part is... He's Jewish... And he refuses to be perfected

By Krispos42, DU Staff Writer
January 27, 2008

St. Louis, MO - Jesus, the Lord and Savior of over a billion Christians worldwide and known as the Prince of Peace, was arrested in a SWAT-style raid by Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents.

Shortly after returning to Earth to endorse U.S. Senator Barack Obama (D-IL) for President of the United States, Jesus, originally from Nazareth in northern Israel, was arrested in an unannounced ICE raid by over a dozen agents at an Obama rally in Branson. Jesus, last name not known, was then swiftly placed in a police paddy wagon and taken to an undisclosed location.

Secretary of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff's office released a brief statement stating that Jesus' arrest was due to "serious violations of US customs" and "the violation of sovereign US borders". Chertoff's release also noted that Jesus was born and raised in an area of the Middle East known for religious extremism and sectarian violence, hinting that Jesus may have been part of a terrorist cell.

Department of Homeland Security officials have scheduled a press conference at 9am CST tomorrow. Repeated call to the DHS public-affairs office went unreturned. However, one ICE official, when asked off the record about todays events, said "Well, there are politics at play here, definitely. The orders for this came down from the top, and I'd bet a month's pay that the Christian conservatives aren't happy about this at all. They've spent so much time and money beating their drums about how Christian they are and how pro-Christian the Republican Party is this has to be a disappointment to them."

White House Spokeswoman Dana Perino declined to comment about the events of today, except to note that this was the sort of thing we could have prevented from happening if Congressional Democrats threw their support into the President's National Missile Defense program.

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

Well done. :thumbsup:

I think that whole "Not bear false witness" thing kinda did in the Clintons.

(all three)

:rofl: :thumbsup:

"Sniffa is a contributing writer to Democratic Underground."

Uh...aren't we all?

And....you're running for President? Of what?

Michael the arch angel.......developing.

From your website:

"I won scholar of the world in World Management at Rice University from the President Of Rice University development in engineering with him and the German Government. I won road scholar from the United States Navy/United States Marine Corp. at West Point. All of my records of authencation will be brought forward into court by former board and staff that I have named above according to law for my day in court."

What is a "road" scholar?

"The United States Military Police and Federal Police are doing a biography and autobiography of me regulating the United States Government National and International affiliated with and undercover intelligence-Criminal investigation of the United States Government."

"The United States Federal Congress has encouraged me to want to become President of the United States so that I can do what the President of the United States of America is supposed to do and complete the federal and military government biography and autobiography."

"Once, I am elected to the office of President of the United States of America the thing I am going to do for the people is regulate the office of the President of the United States of America right and not wrong."

What a riot! You ARE joking, right?

National and international

Very busy with the Superbowl coming up.

Eye Spy Community-Military Intelligence (All Three)

They stage the whole thing in a warehouse on the Moon.

There are some concern about how we do our concerns of circumstances.

for doing this.

They'll resurrect his past.

I think Huckabee does represent historic, Christian values and that those values are horrible.

Regardless of which FLAVOR the faith is, it's what we take "with us" personally that gives many the courage and strength to endure another day working for our corporate masters. :shrug:

...and that spiritual is another word for make-shit-up.

I understand what you are conveying to me and fully concur, "organized religion" is not a good thing. Often times I must *tune out* when a right wing visiting Priest is preaching invectives. Yes, no wonder I enjoy the movie "Dogma" so much. I can oh, so, relate. :-) :hi:

It is all irrational beliefs. Do not think I am searching for answers. I know the answer. You stated the case yourself when you said faith gives people the strength to endure wage slavery. Maybe if they realized that this is their only life and they they are the only ones who can change things it would cause them to stand up for themselves and do something. They need faith the same way that an addict needs heroin.

There is no god. There cannot be a god and still have the universe be the way it is. Those who who truly understand natural selection know that it precludes any divine influence in the development of life. The assertion that we somehow need god does not prove that god exists. Besides, we are far, far better off without "him." Frankly, the lessons of all three Abrahamic religions are monsterous.

that's Obama's appeal, the "hope" and "faith" thing. Both intangibles, but both desperately sought after by a nation of sheep lost in the weeds. They're saying, "look, I've given up and all I have now is hope". Hope, plus 50 cents, will get me a newspaper in the morning. :)

I'm with you. I prefer to stand on the side of reason, sanity and reality. I'll leave "hope" for those who buy lottery tickets and support Obama. ;)

:rofl:

Nailed to the boards.

:hide:

:rofl:

Sounds like a terrible endorsement for Barack

And that's after the diet!

:rofl: Brilliant! And loved the tie-in with Huck and a potato sack! :crazy:

PS You're a good writer! :thumbsup:

:blush:

I was debating going on and on, and tying in other candidates to the "article" but I thought it was good to end it there.

And I think I encapsulated both Penn and Huckabee accurately. :D

Rock on J.C.!

that much coveted Jewish Carpenter Union block.:)
(Myrrh and Frankinsense lobbyists can just go to hell!!!)
:rofl:

let me know when GOD endorses Obama

'K????

I need the big guns
to help me make up my mind.......



lost

is the son of George Herbert Walker Bush. The endorsement of either one wouldn't count for much in my book. ;)

O8)

There's been no word yet from the other two members of the trinity.

Jon Stewart!

He and Jesus could be related?

:rofl: :rofl:

:rofl:

She will come to bear hardship against the insurance co. who state: "pain management is not medically necessary". She will have both male/female executives whose voice held treatment against those of us in pain to bear children without pain management if they did not stop telling lies.

that's a winner. He'll make him Secretary of Religion.

:evilgrin:

Rumor is, she wants him for VP

This had to be taken by the NASA people..

The way they placed it in the building is really quite striking too.

Didn't mean to offend any Mormans who attend this or any other Morman Temple.

Well, the thing about the mormons is once you join up you are stuck with them until you hire a lawyer and force them to stop ringing your doorbell to reactivate you. :)

I will say though, I found the temples to be very peaceful places - and they are asthetically beautiful architecturally on the inside. I never saw one that was "over the top".

shit. :rofl:

that was my goal. :D

A later update has it that JC will be at the Branson Belle, later to be renamed Proud Mary of The Table Rock Lake, whereupon JC will heal the Huckster and suggest that Obama make him his VP mate. Missourians will be delirious, and Mark Penn has asked that JC part the lake waters for a brief time, just long enough for a fake swiftboat to be placed at the bottom before the waters sweep back. The Blunts--/Roy, Andy, and Matt--have announced they would like to bring Kit Bond and John Ashcroft, Thor Hearne, Todd Graves, and a host of other Republican Arch-Angels to reenact the Last Supper of The Lost Shepherd of the Ozarks. Lobbyists and analysts will be on hand to record and sell DVDs of the shindig.

Penn's media manager says that if all goes as planned, the HRC clan will be ushered in and a good time will be had by all. Really! And that's how America was healed; nighty night.

NoFederales

:sarcasm:

yup - i said yesterday that even if jesus christ himself came down to endorse obamarama i would STILL not vote for him. thank you for taking my thoughts about 1000 steps farther!

EDWARDS '08

Seems "Jesus H. Christ" was being used.

The Democrats just picked out the donkey (today)- for the trip...just wondering who the three kings are? (Kerry, Kennedy, and ?)

will you take away the fundies while you are here?

:rofl:

He's already endorsed her. :shrug:

K&R

Now that's HOT.

"Look, when you take a step back and look at the big picture, this endorsement doesn't mean that much," opined Penn. "Polling trends have shown that church attendance have been on the wane for decades. And I'd also like to point out that Barrack Hussein Obama has claimed that this race is about the past versus the future. Well you can't get more in the past than 33 A.D."



:rofl:

Thanks, I needed the laffs!

Only the Son of God gets to choose when the world will end. Try as Bush might.

Thanks for breaking up the monotony.

n/t

You had me at Branson. :D

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

Who are Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny endorsing?

definitely Onion-worthy!

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

that's one of my dearest friends' tattoo. i can never find it when i google it

I had heard it was going to be ghouliani he endorsed.

I mean after Lot (not the Senator, but the Biblical figure) said he was supporting Rudy, I figured Christ would fall into line.

Quick question though:
Is this Jesus Christ or Jesus H Christ that's endorsing Obama?

I mean, I know both guys, I like Jesus, but I despise Jesus H

This just about sums up the primaries this year.

You have my endorsement, sniffa!

Irish babies for breakfast, anyone? :sarcasm:

:dem:

-Laelth

:rofl:

:spray:

:rofl:

:rofl:

:P Ba-da BUMP!

On a more serious note, I see you have the Clinton Jesus in your OP. Below is an actual/accurate painting of Jesus, please correct your post above ASAP. ;)



Funny post Sniffa, Thanks. :hi:

Nobody fucks with the Jesus!

Never heard of him.

Thank Fucking God, Jesus!

You get the prize for the rest of the campaign.

:toast:

"I'd also like to point out that Barrack Hussein Obama has claimed that this race is about the past versus the future. Well you can't get more in the past than 33 A.D."
:rofl:

:+

K&R.

is gonna set the world on fire
And he no liar, 'cos he has truly heard the word
Everybody talk about racial equality
But I'm the only honky living on an all black street
They knock me down 'cos they brown and I white
Like you wouldn't believe it

"Kinks Black Messiah lyrics"

He looks like a melding of Pat Boone and Jeffrey "The Dude" Lebowski.

THIS is Jeebus:

:evilgrin:

I rather thought she was going for that Cthulhu endorsement...
I keed!:hide:

While the headlines have been grabbed today by the surprise announcement of the enthusiastic backing of Christ for Barack Obama, those inside the Beltway report persistent rumours that this does not spread to the whole Trinity.

While God was unavailable for official comment, since He was moving in mysterious ways, an unattributable herald briefing dropped hints that the Creator of the Universe was more likely to favour the older candidate, Hillary Clinton, as opposed to the choice of Obama for His Son, whom he has previously described as 'belonging to the younger demographic - barely into His Third Millennium'. God the Father has cited his experience of Athenian democracy in the fifth century BC as giving Him a longer track record of picking winning candidates. "I mean, that 'BC' stand for something, you know what I'm saying?"

Meanwhile, the Holy Spirit gave a strong message of support for John Edwards. "While Edwards has many good messages, he just doesn't seem to get the coverage he deserves - and believe me, I know what that's like. I mean, just count up the number of mentions in the Bible that God and Jesus get, compared to me. If the printed media was all you looked at, you'd think this was a Trinity in Name Only".

:rofl:

:thumbsup:

I bet you're catching some shit for this one! Especially in this forum!

I'm famous! And the best news is I apparently still have time to repent and be accepted into whatever it is that JC is supposed to be selling.

In deference to believers on this board, I am not railing on you. Most Americans are believers, at least nominally, and have an absolute right to be. I know those on this board try to be good people and largely succeed. It is the ideas I am ranting about, not the people who hold them. Clinton, Edwards and Obama are all Christians (though some knuckle-draggers are already insisting he is a Muslim) and I will surely vote for one of them this November.

Just to be clear to any trolls that might be reading from goofy-land, I WAS NOT LAUGHING as you suggested. I am as serious as a heart attack. Any school of thought that turns suffering into a virtue and proposes a god that can abuse a person even after s/he is dead is surely the product of a repressed and sadistic mind. If god is real, and he isn't, then you folks over at ****** are worshiping the wrong one. Somehow Satan tricked the writers of the Bible to write for him instead. From beginning to end the whole book, and that book is the very basis of Christianity--especially the letters from Paul, is a catalog of cruelty, misogyny, racism, support for slavery, genocide, xenophobia, sado-masochism (the whole idea of redemption through suffering is based on it) and, most notably, for sexual repression.

So I think I have good cause to be skeptical of a religion that is based on nothing more than the representations of its followers. Before you start imagining people in hell while perhaps examining why you might find that so satisfying; you might want to pay some attention to just why it is anyone should take your assertions seriously.

You have all the makings of a superstar among the less advanced.

1. Being a "superstar" is not my goal.

2. The more educated or affluent one is, the less likely one is to be religious. That's not a slam on those who are, just a demographic fact.

... you better bring a thick skin. The slams are not always undirected.

:shrug:

When you post on this kind of thread, leave it at the door.

Oh my gawd.

Here's a clue -- they use the word "blasphemy". :eyes:

Check your PM.

That picture of Jesus looks funny when your listening to the Bar-Kays 'Soul Finger'.

:woohoo:

I saw some forums/blogs this morning that are reposting it too. I feel like I've made it.

:woohoo:

http://www.rotharmy.com/forums/showthread.php?s=4f774433a692b4f659e14bd686142ae7&threadid=52347

http://mbd.scout.com/mb.aspx?S=174&F=2582&T=1932269&P=1

http://maruthecrankpot.blogspot.com/2008/01/another-huge-endorsement-fot-mittster.html

http://undeniableliberalism.blogspot.com/2008/01/another-huge-endorsement-for-romney.html

http://undeniableliberalism.blogspot.com/2008/01/another-huge-endorsement-for-romney.html

http://www.okdemocrat.com/

:rofl:

Although, I think he should have endorsed Lee Mercer, Jr. :patriot:

... continue to huff and snort.

"Such blasphemy!"

"They'll have to answer to God about this one!"

Jeebus! Get the stick out of your collective asses.

:rofl:

I love pissing off fake fundies. :patriot:

The maggots, centipedes, and slugs are writhing.

A love note from one of our most dedicated fans:

From Carol:

Gee, Carol. Why oh why don't you come over here and post exactly that sentiment. Oh, wait... dozens of DUers hold that same sentiment. You know, the ones who harbor bizarre superstitions and no sense of humor. You make fun of them, too.

Carol, your site is pure shit. You are surrounded by like-minded cowards who don't have the spine to be confronted directly. I was banned from your silly little board for the sin of disagreeing with your hive. Nothing more, nothing less. And why? Because you people love to cast stones at DU but you cannot abide being challenged.

One time -- only one time -- has one of your flock of chickens shown the courage to come across and debate me here. I will take any or all of you head on at any time at any place. However, until you mature enough to realize that rational, intelligent people can disagree with you, I know that you will huddle together in your flock and pretend to taunt those who cannot here your clucking.

Kiss, kiss, Carol. Say hey to Jeebus for me.

:rofl:

I just did a google search right now, and this is all over the place now. I feel like a proud papa or something.

:woohoo:

:applause: :rofl: The pic of Jesus was classic. :thumbsup:

:D

http://209.85.165.104/search?q=cache:ODh1Ov2b-xkJ:www.chicagotribune.com/news/local/chicago/chi-0409080257sep08,1,1995917.story%3Fcoll%3Dchi-newslocalchicago-hed+obama+keyes+jesus&hl=en&ct=clnk&cd=2&gl=us

Jesus wouldn't vote for Obama, Keyes says

By Liam Ford and David Mendell | Tribune staff reporters

September 8, 2004

"Christ would not vote for Barack Obama because Barack Obama has voted to behave in a way that it is inconceivable for Christ to have behaved," Keyes said.

I LOVE you!:rofl: