Feel free to e-mail this to your friends (esp. the ones who forward all jokes to their entire address book).

I got it from a friend in an alternate universe where they run their banks the way we run our elections.

--MarkusQ

Some questions remain in bank audit

IP newswire
Dateline: your town

Another box of money was found in the offices of Central Fiduciary Fidelity Financial Faith and Trust (CFFFF&T) today, as its audit entered its second week. Observers said that the box, about two feet high by two feet wide and three feet long appeared to be stuffed full of bills but they were unable to guess the numbers or the denomination. The audit, which many believe to be unneeded, was called by the managers of a defunct savings and loan in response to the demands from their customers, some of whom claim to have lost their life's savings.

This is the fifth such box identified at CFFFF&T, though there is as of yet no official word on how much money has been found in total. Bank officials issued a statement last Wednesday when the fourth box was found, saying that manually counting the money is a waste of time, but will be done if there is sufficient pressure from the media.

There have been widespread rumours floating around the internet for months, claiming that the nation's banking system is in serious trouble. Many of them point to incidents such as these as supporting their claims. Banking industry analysts however have repeatedly said that it was not uncommon for boxes of money to turn up in various corners of busy banks, and the alarmists who say otherwise or claim that it points to a bigger problem are just crackpots. CFFFF&T President Karl Blackwell agrees.

"They just aren't seeing the bigger picture" Blackwell told Faze The Nation Friday. "Banks are in no way close to collapsing. In fact, many banks are reporting record profits for the tenth year running. People need to just keep making deposits and leave the boring details to us professionals. We professionals? Whatever."

In any case, no one expects the total amount of money found to be anywhere near enough to affect the banks financial statements, which were filed amidst great ceremony last Friday at a lavish party held in honor of the bank's current accounting firm, Outron, Rove and Lark.

Banking industry critics also point to problems such as the recent payday backlog in Ohio, where some banking customers had to wait for up to ten hours in freezing rain to cash their paychecks, especially in poorer neighborhoods. They claim that many customers couldn't wait that long and were forced to leave without cashing their paychecks, and that others who did wait were turned away or had their checks taken from them because they were at the wrong window. Some even go as far as to suggest that this represents an unearned windfall for the banks.

Industry watchers dismiss such claims as mere speculation. "No one know for sure that people left without cashing their checks," explained one expert who asked to remain anonymous. "They are just basing the theory that the banks somehow benefited from keeping people from cashing their checks on abstruse statistical arguments. There is absolutely no evidence of fraud. We've been very careful about that. Besides, if they couldn't make it that day, there'll be another payday in, what, just under two years. They can cash their checks then."

Most people agree with the experts. But not everyone.

Some fringe critics are even calling for a total rework of the banking system, to more resemble the nations electoral process where detailed paper records are kept of every vote and there is an elaborate system of checks and balances. A spokesperson for Piebald Industries, which makes both voting machines and ATMs calls such demands unreasonable.

"A paper trail for every deposit and withdrawal? Receipts? Automatic and transparent auditing? I don't think the people demanding such things realize how much it would all cost," he said. "And given the insignificance of most ATM transactions, it hardly seems worth it. After all, it's only money. It's not like we're talking about control of the free world or anything here."

Diebold makes ATMS... and see if they feel sure about there money in the bank!

that credit cards are the mark of the beast. Then watch their heads explode.

Can't wait for those little chips they want to put under my skin.

I was working on an If Your Bank was run like an election list.. did not get very far but;

1. ATM machines would not give you a paper receipt, nor keep an internal receipt.
2. If you account seems out of balance, the Bank will audit 3 percent of your transactions. If they balance, then the total in your account is assumed to be correct.
3. The manager of the bank would decide weather or not you can look at a statement with your account’s transactions on it.
4. There would not be enough ATM machines or tellers in some parts of the community.
5. Your bank would be run with very little federal oversight.

I also had a few for the other way around.

If Diebold's voting machines worked as well as their ATMs, they'd skim a few percent off the top of each transaction...Hey wait a minute!

But that's about as far as I got.

--MarkusQ

...so I decided to give it have the evening off and let the other side come out and play.

--MarkusQ

Check out the Caterpiller Ballot thread and the missing 49000 votes thread.

Lots of good math fun there!

--MarkusQ

consulting portion of their firm which invested heavily in The Fortune 10 company, Bush Family Evil Empire. BFEE on the NYSE. The BFEE stock has gone from buy to sell on 49% approval ratings. ORL is their financial firm as well. :)
Still laughing from yesterday, Mr. Woodward!

A most excellent post, Mr. MarkusQ.

:toast:

MQ: loved the piece. Says it all in a way that even
numbskulls can understand! That is not an easy task ---
congratulations on a job well done!!

...but I've been having very good luck with this one today.

So far no one has balked, even though they have been about 80% Republican & maybe 40% Bush-voters. One of them even said to me "Rove is the real problem. That little sneak is going to land us all in the shitter with his fancy tricks. It doesn't pay to get too fancy, 'specially with the world watching. If you can't win fair and square, you gotta ask yourself what you're doing wrong."

--MarkusQ

with, perhaps, some minor edits to make the voting context more obvious.

Unfortunately their site bluntly states they will not take editorial submissions, so I'm not sure where to go with this idea.

I do think "The Onion" could have a lot of fun with the election issues.

You might make the front page.

...and telling him he can use any of it he wants.

The problem is, both The Onion and The Daily Show do this-world-through-skewed-glasses instead of alternate-world-as-contrast. So I'm not sure either of them could use it.

--MarkusQ

Honestly, what's with DU this week?

I suggest everyone take a time-out. I did, because my 'puter crashed. It's amazing when you come back here and see all of the delirious posting. Up/Down, Manic/Depressive, Black/White...

But seriously, THANK YOU! This is awe-inspiring! :)

I will forward it to several people who have been
ignoring all my talk of election fraud. I bet they
take another look when it is framed this way.

Thank-you.

:kick:

jeez, it seems so obvious doesn't it?

I have sent it out to everyone I know who prides themselves on understanding the banking world.

Every "free market radical" you know should get a copy!!

Sleeping on it, I thought of a few more things I should have added:

* People have complained that they repeatedly pressed "Withdraw" at the ATM, but still wound up making a deposit. The bank calls this a "minor callibration error"

* The people who claim to have had their life savings wiped out? Karl Blackwell says they are "just sore losers"

* The Piebald Industries spokesperson's name should be Ryan O'Dear, and he was interviewed by Newsweak.

And a few things I'm still glad I left out:

* There is no mention of any politicians and/or parties for a reason. I want everyone to get this.

--MarkusQ

and :kick:

The word "abstruse" is, well, abstruse. :D

Biting satire, MarkusQ. Buff it up with your additions and send it to buzzflash@buzzflash.com In case you haven't visited BuzzFlash, it's at http://www.buzzflash.com (but I just know you've been there, no doubt).

Do you want to change "Blackwell" to another name (Harriswell?), because you indicated something about not mentioning any politicians, and isn't a Secretary of State a politician?

I'm sending this to my favorite Republicans. More than a few are my friends and they know the election is tainted. It will be good to give them something to laugh about, we've all been rather morose lately.

Oh, one more thing:

:yourock:

There's a fine line in satire; you don't want to be either too heavy handed or too obscure (and if you fumble, you can do both).

What I'm wanting to do is have very vague references "around the edges" that get more pointed as you approach the target. Thus the name "Karl Blackwell" and the specific mention of Ohio. But the rest of it is blurred enough that it shouldn't offend a rabid supporter (or critic) of any politician that isn't directly implicated.

--MarkusQ

Maybe there are rabid supporters of his M.O., but not the man himself. :)

You realize I was being tongue-in-cheek about the "abstruse"? It's good to learn a new word now and then.

I'm nominating this for home page.

edit: I got an error, only threads begun with prior 24 hours can be nominated x(

Yes, I knew you were joking about "abstruse"; and no, I'd never been to buzzflash before. I'd heard of it, but never actually gone there. Although, in retrospect, I probably should have; I'm a Republican, surrounded by mostly Republicans (I think the networks called my state for Bush about 10 in the morning. On August 8th. Of 2002). Quite a few of my friends have brought buzzflash topics to lunch or to the water cooler, sometimes to ridicule, sometimes puzzle over, and sometimes as a plausible alternative to the Faux News version of reality. But I'd never actually gone there until today.

Thanks for prompting that.

--MarkusQ

Makes you realize we should be the ones laughing at THEM!

BFFFAWWHAAHAA!


On Edit: nominated

Love it. Thanks.

:kick:

Very nice satire... Keep up the good work!

...about the Boston Red Sox v. Houston Astros world series game where the score changed dramatically durring the seventh inning stretch.

But with a new baby & the holidays, I'm not sure if I'll have it any time soon. If I get too stuck I'll post what I have & let the rest of you run with it.

--MarkusQ

Great analogy! Our vote is our power, our ability to hold politicians accountable. We treasure our vote with as much reverence as they treasure money, and our votes should be counted with the same scrutiny as a bank audit -- nothing less.

Do you have any more "political" satire writings?

ahead.