April Street Sheet (small Diebold shot at the end)

(Mods: by permission.)

Bush Scandals: A Handy Clip N Save Guide


It’s a crowded field – these are only highlights. We use this guide to play Bush Scandal Bingo! when we watch the “news.” You can play along at home.

1. 9/11: The FBI had Zacharias Moussaoui, the so called 20th hijacker, a month before 9/11. But, they didn’t check his computer and refused to take him seriously. He said they were going to fly planes into the World Trade Center. FBI: F--ked up Beyond Imagining. Which doesn’t let Bush off the hook. The only warning he didn’t get is a call from Bin Laden saying, “I want to come watch it at the ranch with you.” But he was on vacation and he had brush to clear. At least Saddam Hussein is now on trial for 9/11. Just kidding.

2. NSA Wiretapping. They’ve been doing illegal wiretapping since before 9/11 and they still haven’t caught bin Laden. He’s six feet six inches tall with a dialysis machine on a donkey. But, shhh! Bush doesn’t want terrorists to know he’s spying on them. He wants it to be a surprise.

3. Hurricane Katrina: They made Bush a DVD of Katrina because he doesn’t watch the news and he doesn’t read. We all know how well that worked. The most stressed out person in America must be Bush’s briefer. He has to keep him coloring inside the lines. They tried to explain it to Bush with a Playschool set but he kept putting the pieces in his mouth.

4. Terri Shiavo: Bush didn’t cut short his vacation for the terror threat in August 2001 or during Katrina. But he did cut it short once -- for Terri Shiavo. Bill Frist looked at a video and said she seemed fine to him. Which is weird. Usually Senate Republicans are experts on brain death.

5. James Gannon: He has been to the White House over 200 times, according to the Secret Service log, and he’s a gay prostitute. What happened – he was in the wrong place 200 times? You know he wasn’t delivering pizza.

6. Torture: Bush has had one torture scandal after another. At Gitmo, they play Eminem records at full volume. If that doesn’t violate the Geneva Conventions, nothing does. I’d talk. The whole rationale for building Gitmo in Cuba was to evade US law regarding due process – because we know that everything they do on American soil is done legally. . . Then there was Abu Ghraib. Those wacky swing shift kids took a thousand snapshots. So the Pentagon solution was to put up a sign that says “No Photography.” That’s true.

7. Everyone in the Republican leadership: They are all either under investigation or have been indicted. Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist has a problem with insider trading. Tom Delay was indicted for money laundering. Speaker of the House Denny Hastert was lobbied by Turkey even though foreign countries aren’t technically supposed to buy our legislators. Dick Cheney’s Chief of Staff Scooter Libby was indicted for perjury. Lobbyist Jack Abramoff pled guilty to conspiracy, tax evasion and mail fraud. Bush says he’s never met any of these people. According to Scott McClellan, Bush may know Laura.

8. Dick Cheney shot a guy in the face and the heart: These chicken hawks have never been in uniform but at least now Cheney can say he bore arms for his country. Or, in the country. Look, the guy apologized for putting his face in the way of Cheney’s shot so we’re all cool, okay? Let’s move forward. You first.

9. Transportation Security Administration on Ambien: But at least, now we can fly in peace, right? Dream on. Babies, grandmas, Senators and yes, Subway sandwich makers are on the ‘terrorist watch list” but, 21 suitcases full of bomb making materials recently sailed right through our secure airports. At least they found my tweezers.

10. Dubai Ports World: I hope you didn’t get all upset about the idea of selling the control of our ports to an Arab nation. We should give them control of our airports, too. See No. 9.

11. Faith Based Elections: Don’t feel bad because we re-elected Bush. There’s not a shred of evidence he was ever elected. The Supreme Court selected him in 2000 and Diebold voting machines selected him in 2004. So, relax. These machines are failing all over the country. If this trend continues, they’ll join the Pinto in the history of The Great American Lemon.

Sorry, ran out of room before I could get to Plamegate, Operation Camera Swarmer or Bush advisor Claude Allen arrested for shoplifting at Target or Harriet Myers or Iranian nukes or mangoes from India. So many scandals, so little space.

Catch Doug Ferrari at Bimbo’s on April 19, with Will Durst and Mike Pritchard at Laughs For Life, a benefit for the San Francisco Suicide Prevention Hotline.