I'm going to my first Catholic funeral tomorrow, and I have some questions

My best college friend's mother died unexpectedly, and her service and mass are being held tomorrow. I've been to mass before (over 20 years ago), I have a mass card for the family, but other than that, I kind of don't know what to expect. The service is being held in the funeral home, and then we're heading over to the church.

These are my questions:

1. Do I personally give my friend the mass card or is there a place I can leave it?

2. I can't remember if they pass the plate during mass. If so, how much should I donate?

3. I'm going to hang out in the back, and I know not to take communion, but I vaguely remember going down on one knee before entering and upon leaving the pew. Is that right?

4. I'm planning on wearing a black pants suit -- IIRC, Catholics don't hold to the women must wear skirts thing too rigidly. Are funerals different?

I know I'm going to mess up all the genuflection stuff, but I figure they expect non-Catholics to attend, so I probably won't stick out like a sore thumb.

I appreciate your answers in advance, and if there's anything else you think I should know, please feel free to share.

Oh, and if you think I should wear a skirt, I need to know pretty soon so I can go buy some hose. Ugh.

If they do pass the basket, $5 would be fine. Pants are fine. If you bring a card, there should be a place to leave it; if not, hand it to someone in the receiving line or at the reception.

if the body of Christ is in the tabernacle and the tabernacle is in front of the church. The RCC in our neighborhood has the tabernacle in a separate room in the back so, then, genuflection is not necessary unless you go in that room.

1) I don't know.
2) Yes. However much you think appropriate. Especially if you're in the back, no one sees. Pack a small envelope and write on it "in honor of ???" and put your sum in it ahead of time.
3) I have not done that at RC funerals.
4) Black pants suit is fine for women. No problem. I've done the same.

Just do what everyone else does, short of taking communion.

1. Usually, there's a guest book on a podium or table as you enter the church and if mass cards are there, that's where you leave it. Otherwise, give it to your friend.

2. They don't have a collection during a funeral mass.

3. Yes.

4. I don't think any Catholic churches forbid pants anymore.

Try to remember, the most important thing is that you're there for your friend. Don't get too hung up on details.

I've seen it both ways.

1. I suppose giving the card personally when you have a chance is fine.

2. Don't give dick. I didn't when I was practicing.

3. You can kneel or not. You can go for communion or not. No one will scowl.

4. Just dress tastefully for a funeral. Pretty sure dressing for a singles bar is bad for all denominations. They're Catholics not Mormons...a dress shirt and dark pants will work fine.

Dude...it's Catholic mass...not a snake cult's gathering. You probably won't stick out.

I went to a cousin's wedding recently. Her fiance was not catholic and his relatives seemed to be bewildered by the stand up/sit down/kneel/stand up/kneel/sit down/etc...but you couldn't really tell unless you asked.

So I want to follow proper protocol because of my love for him. The sticking out like a sore thumb thing comes from the side eye I've received from people when I didn't go take communion the other times I've been to mass - kind of uncomfortable. I'm expecting this group will be less judgey.

I told her afterwards that if they want my agnostic ass back they've got to do some changes...not the other way around.

You will only stick out if you start speaking in tongues or scream "halelujah" or that kind of things.

Cathoic masses are generally (with exceptions to some trying to "jazz up" mass) somber and boring occasions. Nobody but the horribly scary are "happy" about being Catholic and as mockingly pointed out in the Movie "Dogma" (A Kevin Smith film that takes Woody Allenesque turns at times), Catholics don't celebrate their faith...they mourn it.

and enjoyed them. They don't tell me I'm going to Hell, which is nice.

It was nice that they didn't seem to be breathing fire. I knew Catholic priests who played it like that too...sadly not too many. Still had the usual silliness though...

as a side note: Wow! Unintentional alliteration in my Subject line.

As a matter of fact, if they are conservative catholics, they'd approve of someone who hasn't recently confessed or made their Easter duty refraining.

As for the rest, I think your questions have been answered above. I am sorry to know of your friend's loss.

As did E.J. Dionne.

So, you can too!

Generally, you can genuflect entering or leaving the pew, but there is no real need to.

My sisters wore pantsuits to my dad's funeral, and my brothers', so that is a no starter.

There should NOT be a collection taken at a memorial mass but if there is for some oddball reason there is no obligation to contribute.

The Church would frown on your receiving communion but I don't think Christ would.

Just be there for your friend and everything should be all right.

Memorial masses are different and folded into the daily mass.

My family is your basic blue collar Democrat, I don't know if uptight right wing parishes are different.

Do what you want to do. If you want to give her a Mass card, give it to her or mail it if you like. They are no do's or don'ts anymore with the Catholic Church.

Dress is up to you but usually most people that go to funerals dress in dark colors.

You no longer need to wear a veil - that is no longer part of going to Church as of a long time ago.

I'm admittedly a lapsed Catholic but I had to arrange a funeral mass for my late mother.

If you want to donate something at the mass, you can or cannot.

You are supposed to kneel at the pew and make the sign of the cross before you sit down. It is up to you as to whether or not you want to take communion as well. Confession is no longer necessary to receive communion as you can "confess" in your prayers prior to and after communion.

Things have really changed a lot with respect to traditions in the Church. I think they had to loosen things up a lot quite awhile ago as they have been losing members and recruits have been down for a long time best I know.

I hope this helps.

doesn't seem to be able to follow them that well.

:evilgrin:

A funeral mass is often attended by people who are not Catholic or even Christian. If you can't give the Mass card to your friend and their is no place to put them- use the USPS (snail mail). The dark pant suit is fine- much better them a Coulter "little black dress."

Sign the book if there is one. If there is a meal after Mass and interment you might attend taking some time to comfort your friend.

And as for genuflecting, if you don't believe in the true presence of Christ in the Eucharist there is no point- along with receiving communion. Oh! there will not be a collection.

Be yourself, be kind, be cool.

Don't worry about any of the participation stuff, and you can go up for a blessing, cross your arms over your chest, and the priest will know you don't want communion.

Nice of you to be there for your friend, that's what is most important.

and okay for any Mass. In the summer I've seen people show up for Saturday afternoon Mass in bermudas.

I've never been to a funeral Mass (and as large as my family is, I've been to a lot) where the collection plate was passed.

If you're not a Catholic, or you have a physical problem that makes it difficutl, you're not expected to genuflect or kneel with the congregation - you may want to stand when they do but only because it feels odd to be sitting and at eye level with the butts of the people in front of you. (In fact, I don't think all Catholics genuflect anymore and a some newer parishes have done away with kneelers).

Usually there is a secure place where cards for the family may be left both at the church and the funeral home.

Finally, don't sweat the small stuff, your friend will just appreciate that you're there.

They are not going to throw stones at you or try to exercise you if you don't do any of the traditional catholic things.

They will say mass, with a 15 minute funeral segment added so expect about an hour and fifteen minute service. You can kneel when they do if you want, or just sit back (Try not to break the arm of the guy kneeling behind you).

No one will be watching for those who do or don't do the catholic things. If you want to take communion, no one will know, I wouldn't drink from the same cup as everyone else, but that is personal.

Don't worry about it, you are there to pay your respects and that is what is important to the family.

I was raised catholic and one day just stop going.

The pantsuit is fine.
No genuflecting required.
Send the mass card enclosed in a sympathy card to your friend's home.
At Communion time you can remain in the pew or, if you want to participate, approach the priest giving out communion with your arms crossed over your chest. That signifies to him that you are seeking only a blessing.
No one will pass the plate at a funeral.

You won't stick out at all. There will be other non-Catholics there. Your friend will be glad to see you. That's what matters most.

And no, the roof did not collapse upon my entering the building! :) A very dear co-worker passed away suddenly at the young age of 49, I miss him much!!

Anyway, I discovered I could never be Catholic, there is just way to much work involved. It reminded me of a very proper musical, the priest tells a story then all the sudden someone busts out in random song…..and then there are parts of random songs and dialog the whole church is involved in IF you know the words. 1 I would discreetly hand to a family member of the deceased or clergy.
2 they did not pass a plate at the one I attended.
3 you do not have to genuflect unless you are Catholic.
4 lots of women in pants, I was one of them, it was not frowned upon.

Luckily there was a good Catholic girl sitting beside me, she told me I did not have to kneel when called for, but I was expected to stand during prayer ....it was quite interesting.

Yes, the most important thing is to support my friend, and I figure supporting him includes learning a little more about his beliefs and practices. Even though I'm not a believer, I might go up for a blessing. As strange as it might sound, I appreciate when people pray for me, because praying for others is a selfless act of love and kindness. I appreciate the love and kindness you've shown me.

2. I don't think they do collections during a funeral mass. It seems in bad taste and too worldly. They didn't do a collection during my Grandfather's funeral mass in January.
3. Some Catholics often choose not to receive communion, so I would get out of the pew, let people who want to receive enter the aisle and return back to your seat.
Genuflecting seems to be a generational thing. I go to mass every Sunday, but I never genuflect.
4. You can wear whatever you want to a funeral mass. Pants, skirt, whatever just be modest and wear black.

Also sorry for your friend's lose.

You don't need to genuflect or go to communion or give any money. You can just sit there. Nothing else required.