When the Ties That Bind Unravel

Therapists for years have listened to patients blame parents for their problems. Now there is growing interest in the other side of the story: What about the suffering of parents who are estranged from their adult children?

While there are no official tallies of parents whose adult children have cut them off, there is no shortage of headlines. The Olympic gold medal skier Lindsey Vonn reportedly hasn’t spoken to her father in at least four years. The actor Jon Voight and his daughter, Angelina Jolie, were photographed together in February for the first time since they were estranged in 2002.

A number of Web sites and online chat rooms are devoted to the issue, with heartbreaking tales of children who refuse their parents’ phone calls and e-mail and won’t let them see grandchildren. Some parents seek grief counseling, while others fall into depression and even contemplate suicide.

http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/05/03/when-the-ties-that-bind-unravel/#more-28347

nt

think that "family" trumps everything else.

as always a heroic gesture rather than quite often one that's petty, histrionic, and mean.

I had no reasonable alternative.

I call my mother once a month. If she calls here, I do not pick up. If I see her at all, it is in a public setting, such as a restaurant. There are always other family members present. I have had to set those boundaries, because she is incapable of setting boundaries herself. I am 61 years old, and she still tries to be an abusive parent.

The only reason I stay in touch with her at all is because my therapist says I should. She says I should because my mother is the caretaker for my 84 year old father, who is in the early stages of dementia. I need to keep track of how he is doing. I will cut her off after my father dies. She is nothing but toxic.

I felt this was fucked up because the point was parents were advocating the value of children over everyone else. Those babies (through no fault of their own) were made to think they were very, very special, could do no wrong and someone (parents) would always step up to take care of them. Life would be perfect. Instead, life is tough but the BoB kids do know who to blame.

Fortunately, those signs disappeared but not necessarily the sentiment. Recently I have noticed that the BOB signs are starting to reappear.

I like babies but I also like every other demographic.

And it's rotten. Yes, I can understand breaking off contact with an abusive parent, but some of the reasons I've seen for it have been insane.

...because the real reason is too painful or difficult to explain. Maybe that person does not fully understand the reason, but just knows that nothing good happens when in contact with the parent.

Look, I've known people who've had abusive parents. It's a horrible situation, and sometimes the kid has no choice but to cut off all contact.

But too many people also seem to see hatred as glamorous, a sign of strength. I've seen cases where the reasons for cutting off contact include things like "I hate my parents' politics/religion" or "Dad/Mom married someone I don't like." Parents who cut off all contact with their children over such matters are usually, quite rightfully regarded as the villains. Kids who do it are more often praised as sticking to their principles. Anger towards your children is bad and always unjustified. Anger towards your parents is good and always justified.

I don't think the actual facts support your observation. I'm not aware of anyone who has gotten anything but shit for not talking to ones parents. Mostly, they get the kind of judgments you are making. No one in my mother's family will talk to me or my sister anymore. And don't forget, children are the products of their parents and not the other way around. I have a really hard time imagining what would make an adult son or daughter make the painful decision to cut off contact with his or her parents if there wasn't at least a perceived dire need for it.

For my own self, I've been dealing with this shit my whole life and it is only in the last two years or so that she has gotten so bad that I won't talk to her. It took me that long and some pretty outrageous things on her part to make me realize that my desire for everything to be okay was wishful thinking and had not hope in hell of ever happening. And even then, she is the one who essentially fired me because of my supposed "negativity" (unwillingness to feed into her delusions).

Can't do much about that. The really tough cases are those with parents or kids who just don't like each other, or say occasionally hurtful things that alienate someone, or just don't want to be around each other for various reasons--nothing extreme and obvious where anybody outside the family would understand. I've been there.

haven't seen my ditto head paternal unit since 2003 i think. only at funerals. good ridance. he knows where i live.

children keep their distance UNTIL the parent has been successfully treated or the adult/child has become proficient at boundary setting. Anyone with this illness, untreated, should absolutely not be in a parenting role. Identifying it can be tough, but for the sake of children involved, it's vital.