I am trying to pinpoint what it is..and reading all sorts, trying to learn, trying to get myself out of this rut.
I know, what I am feeling is the microcosm of what is going on in the macrocosm and certainly not unique.
There was a sort of hopeful energy for many months, which kinda sorta got me through - and this, I think, was made possible by choosing to be in in a place of love. But it is a very fragile state of being...
In a sense, we can choose to enjoy the tiny flower that grows out of a crack in the concrete of a parking spot, rather than the sticky oil stain attracting all sorts of dirt. Then I would think, is it just avoidance? Both realities exist.
I guess it started with the matters surrounding the ex, which always draws me into a negative energy field (I was hoping it will finally be over yesterday - but no, there is a delay) Then, perhaps a realization that what little I was doing to potentially generate income - I end up dealing with a corporation, which is the representation of the old, arrogant and repressive. I always get bit, when tell myself, maybe it is not that bad.
At the base of it all, is the sticky muck of reality that over the past 3 years, everything we had is gone, literally only what we were able to grab. All of it is something I created, but sure as hell is difficult to get out once you have reached this state.
I thought I knew how, I thought I was working on it - all of that crumbled - too much disappointment, I guess, over the years I have learned not to make expectations, but I guess I was expecting basic human decency.
What caught my eye is about surrendering:
Even those who have been on an awakened path for a long time are finding themselves surrender deeper than ever before. What are we surrendering exactly? We are transcending every last part our small self, the victim, the part of us that continues to live in the past, and the story we no longer wish to recreate.http://spiritlibrary.com/emmanuel-dagher/energy-forecast-surrender-modeWhen Rick posted the 0 point Aries, I started looking at asteroids and dwarf planets, so I can confuse myself
:P even more - but found it quite interesting. I do have an asteroid in my natal 2nd called Ixion, one of those in Mr. Pluto's neighborhood, which is about: Tyranny, control and ownership of the feminine, deceit and attempted annihilation between authoritarian figureheads, the taking of kindred blood. Since Pluto is way out there, I presume it is our generations collective theme as well as our individual theme.
Whatever is influencing me from within or without just makes me feel like throwing in the towel - it just feels like I just can't anymore - I ran out of steam, and even if I can not buy food or stay here - I just am out of ideas - question is do I surrender?