How can I address this spiritually....?

As some here know, my husband doesn't have a relationship with his family. The one sib he was holding out hope for is spineless and under the thumb of the other hateful members of the family. So he wrote him off, too.

Prior to writing him off, we sent some holiday gifts to he, his wife, their child and his wife's family that was visiting for the holiday. We got a thank you card from the wife's family but nothing from them. With this, dh figured he made the right choice and we mourned our loss (have never met our niece/nephew) and moved on.

We were concerned for them, and wanted to be there for them--but for our own peace of mind, knew we couldn't. Add to it that they didn't seem to need us or want our support. My husband and I were the first interracial marriage in their family (they are bigots). His younger sib was the second, knowing what they could potentially experience we wanted to give our support. Then his younger sib and wife had a child, that we learned that the others refer to by racial slurs behind their backs. :mad:

You really can't tell people that kind of thing. They have to see it for themselves--so we left it at that. The younger sib and wife seemed oblivious to their backhanded insults and treatment, so we detached from that, too.

Within the last week, we rec'd rather urgent communications from the younger sib's wife--stating they were coming to town and wanted to see us. Given that they are close to the side of the family that only contacts people when they need them, we ignored it. Within days, we had several messages from her and decided to respond.

I hope that they are respectful of my husband's desire to not see his parent or other sibs and that this isn't some attempt to connect them. I'm guessing based on the fact that all communication has been throuh cell phone texting that she is trying to honor his feelings. Yet the whole thing is very strange. She's never contacted us quite this diligently... I don't know whether to be suspicious, concerned or what?

My husband said maybe they've realized what they lost in us and were fearful we wouldn't return their calls and request to see us. Or perhaps they've seen the others true colors. :shrug: I don't want to be unforgiving--but it's hard to not be suspicious and protective of my husband.

Any suggestions on how to approach this? We're supposed to see them later in the week... :shrug:

:hi:

about this.
Let them meet up and see what this is all about.
Hopefully your hubby has learned enough from this painful family history to not get suckered into anything that he doesn't want anymore.

Might be a new close relationship for him (and you) to enjoy.....

IMO. :hug:

DemEx

:hi: I really appreciate your honesty and advice! I stepped back from it all (per your advice) and he texted them w/his terms. He said that they were able to maintain his boundaries--so it looks like we'll see them in just a few days. His intuition hasn't gone into high gear and he's hopeful. :D

I'm a bit scared and nervous at the same time SO excited to see the little one! ;)

Do you ever feel things from photographs? The last time we got a picture of her, it made me feel sad. Like she needed someone to just love on her with hugs and kisses and positive attention. It could have been just the day the photo was taken, and I shouldn't read too much into it. We heard her in the background during the last phone call they made to dh--she seemed to be happily babbling in the background. :)

I had several decades of my young adult life where I practically cut off all contact with my famile as well - after I grew and felt strong enough to resist their manipulations I re-established contact and closeness.

:hug:

Yes, I absolutely feel things from photographs, but, like you, I am not certain all the time if the feelings are my own or what I sense that the person in the foto "is".....
Maybe the little girl does need more love and attention - maybe the feelings are your own desire to have contact with this little niece!

I do so hope that this is the beginning of a lasting reconciliation, but if not, enjoy the brief meeting.....peace of mind and peace from unbearable family dynamics is more important to our lives IMO.

DemEx

Quote:
peace of mind and peace from unbearable family dynamics is more important to our lives IMO.

I won't be returning to the bosom of my family. Unfortunately, (for them) they are still in such denial and engaging in behaviours that are dysfunctional. None of them respect the boundaries I had to set to protect myself, so I had to say goodbye to a few that I tried to maintain relationships with. I cut her off an aunt when I found out she was taking information about my life back to the parent that abused me (same parent refuses to acknowledge what she did, and continues to blame me for her actions. In other words, I deserved what she did :eyes:). It was such a huge violation of my trust and boundaries. But I learned a valuable lesson.

I really thought my aunt understood. While she is well aware of how sick her sister is and encouraged me for many years to stay away from her, now she seems intent to derail my efforts. She can't stop enabling my parent--so I had to let her go.

Hope this doesn't sound bad, but I've finally been able to say it's their loss. I'm a good person--it sucks for them that I'm not a part of their life. :P

That's a tricky one. Both of you take a deep breath and remember that you are not made weaker by caring; but stronger. You have each other to lean on; if things get rocky again I am sure you can make it. Look at it this way: this encounter will either lead to a closer relationship; or give your husband closure by pushing his tolerance of the bs over the edge.(sometimes that's what you need). Either way; let this be the end of the emotional rollercoaster. I wish the best for you in this, and I hope it puts you on the road to healing. Take a step back and look at the whole picture, and again remember that you all are the ones who have grown spiritually--and isn't that what we're here for? If others are not ready to follow your lead; well, that's their choice. Let them own that choice. There's always tomorrow..........

:hi: It's good to see you posting in this area! I recall enjoying talking with you in the lounge (when I used to post there). Thanks for your response and advice!

Dh got sick of them and their crap a while ago (thankfully). Our lives have been SOOOO peaceful not dealing with that side of the family. Seriously. I can't tell you how happy I've been to not have to hear from any of them. My mil's voice used to send me up a wall. :puke: She's a negative, nagging, controlling woman, a total boundary buster--dh has seems a world lighter since he cut ties with her (and the rest of them, too).

We maintained contact with this sib (the youngest), in case they ever figured things out and needed us. He really held out hope for him. Though it's weird to be hearing from them, he feels good knowing he's always tried to treat that sib well--with respect, kindness and love.

We'll see how it goes. I'm holding good thoughts!

have anything more to do with my father's family after my grandmother died other than contact with my cousin, my father's nephew, whom he helped to raise along with my grandmother. My aunt, my cousin's mother was a hopeless alcoholic.

The family was very mean to my mother who is Latina because they too were bigoted, not only about race but about religion because my mother was Catholic. They even threatened to try to get custody of me because she was raising me as a Catholic with my father's approval. They were fundies.

Although, when my cousins and I became adults we maintained a loose contact with each other, mostly Christmas cards and occasionally visiting one another when visiting each other's towns we never got together for holidays or anything like that.

My cousin, the one with the alcoholic mother, who was close to my father, was always trying to reconcile the family but it always backfired on him and he finally came to the realization that it was best to let things be. Oh, he married a Catholic and all his children were raised Catholics, which put him outside the inner circle as well.

Well, everyone is dead now, except for me and some second cousins I hardly know. In retrospect, I know that there would have been no way to bring this family together. The bigotry and ignorance were too deeply ingrained. Although I imagine that I missed out on a lot of family interaction, like events, weddings, holidays and funerals, it's really better this way. We actually formed our own traditions and I acquired a new more tolerant family when I married.

I think you will find out that those in the family who want to maintain contact with you will, and those who don't will stay away. Try to look at this meeting with a positive attitude that you might have family interaction with that one sibling after all who seems to be reaching out to you. Let the rest of them go. Send them Christmas cards if you want, but don't bother with the gifts.

:hi: I really appreciate your sharing of your family background. It helps to know that others have been there, too.

I'm very sorry that you grew up without much of your family of origin, but I agree with you that it was probably for the best. Having experienced it personally, the hatred and ignorance can be so overwhelming and destructive. You're better off having never known it or those that were a part of it.

I also appreciate your advice. I'm trying to maintain a positive attitude. Who knows why they are in touch now? I'm just thankful that they are. I know it was hard on my husband (and me to a degree) to know he has a niece he's never got to see.

I also shared with him, he's really a good guy and easy to be with. He can be a lot of fun to be around. Maybe his sib recalls this of him and missed him. The sibs the youngest lives near are such stick in the muds, and not at all fun to be around. Even being in darkness, one knows what it's like to be around light... ;)

My husband texted them today, making it clear what his terms were. They seem to have reached an agreement, as all is moving forward and we're meeting them. :wow:

I'm hoping for the best, but will go in with no expectations. (We're) Just really excited about seeing our niece for the first time!! Neither of us can hide that fact... :blush:

i just think universe is kick ass.....

enjoy the niece

I hope your meeting goes well, and yes when you do not expect much, but just "be" is a good stance.
I also had barely any contact with my father's side of the family. Only for official events, funerals and weddings - well, maybe more funerals. But it did not really feel like I missed any of their interaction and I am grateful for my parents to let me grow up without having to identify myself with any particular culture. Neither Japanese or European, I experienced, know and live as many cultures and that is my treasure. It is just unfortunate that some people can not see it as a treasure.

Discrimination is based in fear, and unless that distorted window of fear is not opened from the inside, there is no reasoning.

The Japanese have a saying that a distant relative does not matter as much as a close friend.

So, if they come to embrace and ask to share the treasure embrace :)
and if not, put them back in the oven to cook some more :)

I'm sorry that I didn't see this before we left--I just returned and saw this response. Thank you for sharing your experience and words of wisdom with me! Both are most appreciated! :hi:

We learned on our visit that they have very limited contact with the bigoted side of the family. It seems they too, have fallen out with them. All the whys, etc. weren't completely clear on the issue and we chose not to pry figuring they would tell us what they were comfortable with. But we get the distinct impression there is a great deal more to the situation than we've been told.

It was great to meet the little one. She's two so that was challenging (for her parents), but it tickled us to see her personality in action. We aren't sure how things are going to progress at this point at all...:shrug: I'm trying to be thankful for the time and hopeful of the future...

:)

is going on. like the thank you card. i can appreciate and value a gift and i don't send cards. a lot consider it rude, i know, but i have just not ever been able to get them out of the house. i get the cards, will even write them and they sit. doesnt mean i don't appreciate and value. so let that go. you dont know why

secondly you want to protect hubby. does he need your protection. arent you taking away his power by thinking he is not capable.

third, you need to be in the now of the situation. embrace what comes. be in the now of it. own your part in it. you say seems like they are afraid you wouldnt answer. well you didnt at first, so they werent to far off on that

what do you have to forgive? they are stumbling thru life like the rest of us. why do they need your forgiveness. in just offering love, there wouldnt be need of forgiveness and it is an allowing of them doing the best they can

have no expectation out of this younger sibling. onor the choices they make. don't be attached or take personally

and would be interested in the urgency they feel on seeing yawl. sounds like an interesting story. i see this as an opportunity for you all to work on your spirit, being in the higher vibration, love, stillness, not battle and see what comes of it.