DailyOM: "Dodging and Deflecting - Let It Roll Off Our Back"

Dodging And Deflecting
Let It Roll Off Our Back

One of the most difficult challenges in life is learning not to take things to heart and hold on to it. Especially when we’re younger, or if we’re very sensitive, we take so much of what comes our way to heart. This can be overwhelming and unproductive if it throws us off balance on a regular basis. When we are feeling criticized or attacked from all directions, it becomes very difficult for us to recover ourselves so that we can continue to speak and act our truth. This is when we would do well to remember the old saying about letting certain things roll off us, like water off a duck’s back.

Most of the time, the attacks and criticisms of others have much more to do with them and how they are feeling than with us. If we get caught up in trying to adjust ourselves to other people’s negative energy, we lose touch with our core. In fact, in a positive light, these slings and arrows offer us the opportunity to strengthen our core sense of self, and to learn to dodge and deflect other people’s misdirected negativity. The more we do this, the more we are able to discern what belongs to us and what belongs to other people. With practice, we become masters of our energetic integrity, refusing to serve as targets for the disowned anger and frustration of the people around us.

Eventually, we will be able to hear the feedback that others have to offer, taking in anything that might actually be constructive, and releasing that which has nothing to do with us. First, though, we tend ourselves compassionately by recognizing when we can’t take something in from the outside without hurting ourselves. This is when we make like a duck, shaking it off and letting it roll off our back as we continue our way in the world.

http://www.dailyom.com/articles/2008/13788.html

Being a perfectionist, the slightest criticism in the past has sent me whirling and into a very defensive stance. I'm really trying to get better at this since it's not fair to expect absolute perfection of myself. (I need to have the same compassion for myself as I do for others.)

2. Don’t take anything personally.

Here I’ll quote the book, “Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves.” That guy honking at you just spilled scalding coffee all over his lap, the boss screaming at you is going through a divorce. Their stuff has nothing to do with your stuff, and assuming you’re the root cause of someone’s behavior is not only self-centered, it’s also a big waste of energy.


...believe me, actually doing this on a consistent basis is hard for me. But he's so right...I try to remember this all the time. Now, he goes into a lot more detail and answers any questions you may have about this, but that's essentially it.

I always try to stay in balance, but once I lose it, I really lose it. Apparently, this is something that I'm supposed to learn how to master in this life. I still have a way to go. :(

Oh well, what was I saying about having compassion for myself? This would be a very good opportunity to exercise it.

By the way, the Universe just gave me a very good opportunity to see what you were saying in action. I still allowed myself to be pulled right into the thick of it even with the person insisting that what I was "getting" from him was about what he was going through -- it wasn't about me. I still couldn't stop myself from responding to the negative emotion that I felt that I was getting from him. I will keep trying because I know that the end result will be worth the effort.

:hug:

I kind of found the e-book "The Palace of Possibilities" from Gary Craig (EFT) an interesting visualization and helpful.

"The writing on our walls"
The words on our walls are metaphors for our self talk, of course. They represent the attitudes, opinions & beliefs that we have accumulated over the years. Many of them are hand-me-downs from our parents, grandparents, teachers, coaches, religion, peers, books, TV and an endless list of other "authorities" in our lives. Upon inspection (which we will do in this series) many of them are laughable. Nonetheless, they still seem to have a hold on our progress.
http://www.emofree.com/palace/palaceof1.htm#2

When I think about my Mom last year, as she blurted out that she made the PhD for her Dad, who did not praise her, but only criticized her - that is one of her "writings on the wall" she had adopted as hers, and cause of hurt she has been living with.
Karen's words, that there is nothing we have to do...come to think of it, perhaps also applies to ourselves? We place too much expectations on ourselves. I do, and am exhausted. I thought I should think whether I want to, rather than have to do something.

My daughter often criticizes me to the point of verbal abuse, and just the other day, I saw that she is actually terrified. I wish I could be a better role model for her, but I think I was finally successful not to be sucked into that energy. Maybe someday, she will understand where I am coming from. If she doesn't, that is ok with me, because I know, I am doing my best. Perhaps my teflon coating is now in place, and I will not let more writings to be piled onto my walls.

Boy, it really resonates with me! I have changed so much since I was younger, it is astonishing even to me.

Moon in Leo, conjunct Pluto. Bossy, over-the-top, dramatic -- you name it, I did it. EVen when I tried not to. I couldn't NOT sound bossy. Couldn't restrain myself, either.

And I did quite a bit of stuff in my search for "self growth". So I was at least a little bit aware of my personal deficiencies.

One day I got a job in a bureaucracy. In a lowly position. Everybody there was unbelievably competitive, and the hierarchical structure was equally rigid. It was really a class system. Some people made three and four times as much as the "peons", and the "peons" -- who often did a great deal of the work, some of whom were just as capable and talented as some of the honchos, had practically no hope of advancement. And the heavies got LOTS of perks, including fairly frequent travel all over the world.

Needless to say, this created much resentment. There was lots of sniping and gossip. A LOT of complaining about the other guy behind his back, and a lot of hard feelings.

At the same time, the situation was one that no one there was responsible for, either. And people were easily pigeon-holed and stuck.

It was terribly important for me to keep that job, because I was pregnant, and I was also in a position where -- I didn't really HAVE the job yet, not like everyone else did. It was the first time in my life I had had decent health insurance, and I had recently gone through three spontaneous abortions. Thus, I really wanted to keep the job, because I really wanted the baby. And I was 40 years old.

In that office, with that kind of nasty atmosphere -- although the people individually were mostly wonderful people -- it became clear to me that I needed to change my behavior. Instead of always interjecting my two cents' worth, I could see that I needed to keep my yap shut and my chin down -- learn to mind my own business, for the first time in my life.

So I did. I shut up and put my chin down, and consequently distanced myself from all the drama there. I saw a lot, heard a lot, and boy oh boy, did I ever learn a lot! By watching how other people behaved, and how others reacted, and never, ever getting involved, I learned how incredibly inappropriate some of my past behavior had been, generally speaking. It was something I couldn't see when I was in it, but which, once out of it, became very clear.

I kept the job and had the baby and grew up quite a bit. All said and done, it was a pretty painless way to learn what must be one of THE most difficult lessons for know-it-alls like me -- learning the lesson while not being in the center of the dramas, which can be pretty unpleasant.

Learned a bit about patience and listening, too.

with us.

Remembering that there are two paths to the inevitable transition to caring for each other, community, and love: suffering if we do not choose love, or love, if we choose love.

So.

Watch for an increase in suffering as we make the transit.