"Think of the effect on the children"

I was having a conversation with some old friends, and their kids yesterday during dinner.

They are not "freepers" or "bushbots" by any stretch. They are just regular people. They are both good kids as well.

So, somehow the subject of gay marriage came up. I don't know how it came up, as I usually avoid hot-button political topics like that when trying to enjoy a nice dinner with friends and family. They were both in nodding agreement on the issue, and needed to share the "fact" that if "they" have children; whether through adoption, or artificial insemination, what a horrible thing to subject that child to. Think of the jeering at school the child would endure when the other kids found out that "two gay guys" were raising them. Think of how the children would be outcast at school, and have to explain to everyone why they had "two-moms" and no dad like everyone else. Think of the effect if five years down the road they decide to "split up" and fight for custody in court what a terrible effect on the kids it could have during the custody battle.

This actually hit me pretty hard on a couple of different levels. You see, I was raised in the 50's, in the south. Segregation, racism, "whites only" bathrooms and drinking fountains-those are some of the childhood memories that I carry around with me to this day. To me, this was "normal" and "accepted." We all had our place in society, and there was nothing we could do to change it.

I had to chime in. "I really need you two to think about something here for me. I grew up during a time in our country's history, when it was perfectly acceptable to marginalize entire groups of people simply because their skin color made them different. What I used to hear from the worst of the racists I grew up with, was 'think of what the effect this is going to have on their children.'"

They were silently looking at me from across the table. It seems that I had captured their attention at least. I continued; "a memory I carry to this day, is a childhood friend's father, when he found out that a white woman down the street from us, was getting engaged to a black man. This guy's father absolutely went off. He said that 'a woman that would do that just proves that she has no respect for herself. She's ignorant and selfish, because she isn't even thinking of the effect this would all have on their children and what they are going to have to endure for the rest of their lives because of them. She should be strung up and arrested.'"

I continued, "now, we got through that little dark period in our history, and I really believe that we will get over this little part of our history as well. So I just need you two to think about that, next time you wish to ostracize an entire group of our society, just because they were born with what we consider to be differences." Stunned silence greeted me back from across the table, because, while I was telling them this, I completely had forgotten that the young lady was currently dating an African-American kid, and the young man was dating a very nice Asian lady.

"Wow" the young lady told me, "I never though about it like that. I think you may be right." Her brother looked at me and nodded in agreement as well.

I said, "Do you remember your friend Vicky, and the nasty custody battle she had last year while she was getting divorced? Do you think her kid had any less of a hard time during that custody battle then if they would have been the same sex?"

They both looked at me and said, "no, probably not."




Happy fathers day everyone...

As a long-time teacher, I have had perhaps five or six kids raised by gay parents. They took some heat. But so did my kids, because I'm fat. And so did the kid whose dad was an undertaker. (ewww! you live with dead people?) As far as I could tell, the kids dealt with it, like all kids do and they are all either in college now or grown up and doing fine. So are mine.

I did also have a child with a transgendered Dad, and that was a bit harder. He took more than heat and was beat up a few times and his story didn't end as happily, but I don't think he blames his dad. He once told me that he was angry at his dad for switching but was glad he didn't "die or something." That pretty much says it all.

The bottom line with the whole argument is getting people to understand that like race, this is a biological issue. I think is science could keep pace with us socially it would be helpful.

It is a problem I hope will just eventually go away, although sometime I'm not so sure. I want to believe that, but there is enormous resistance in some cultural groups.

nt

Perhaps your friends would be interested to hear my story. I got married when I was 24 to a very nice man, and we have two children. About eighteen months ago, at the age of 45, I realized that I am a lesbian. Ok, big surprise to me and everyone else. I had no idea, but once the realization hit me, it hit like a ton of bricks.

Now, what was I supposed to do? Slow down and think it over - yes, I did that. Eventually, though, I realized that I was going to have to move on with my life in the most honest and forthright way possible, which meant separating from my husband and living on my own. Am I supposed to hide the truth from my teenage kids? Anyone who has teenagers would know how long that would work - I told them the truth.

They're handling it well, and so are their friends, and so are their friends' families.

Would your friends have me live under a rock for the rest of my life, or pretend to be something I'm not, just to keep the truth from the children? You were right to confront them, and I appreciate it very much - for my sake, but mostly for the sake of my children, and their friends, and their entire generation. Thank you.