Bush Watches Enzyte Commercials, Wants Bigger Army

WASHINGTON, D.C.- For more than three years, President Bush has been in denial. In speech after speech, he blamed the failures in Iraq on terrorist insurgents and weak support from casualty-phobic Democrats. Now that his party has taken a beating at the polls and his tenure in office enters it's final phase, the President finally appears willing to face the cold hard truth of the matter: his army was simply too small to get the job done.

At a press conference on Wednesday the President announced a decision to dramatically increase the army's size within the next year, a move aimed at restoring stability in Iraq as well as his own self-confidence. The tipping point, aides say, came after a particularly Sunni attack in Baghdad last week. Bush's friends tried desperately to console him, reminding him that this sort of thing happens to all Presidents sooner or later, but something had snapped. Perhaps it was a moment of clarity after so many months of self-delusion or perhaps it had something to do with the Enzyte commercial running on the TV in the background.

"People like to say that the size of your army doesn't matter and that it's what you do with it that counts," said Bush. "I have learned to my own dismay that this is a lie, something people often tell you when they don't want to hurt your feelings. We're way past hurt feelings now. We have to fix this."

This comprehensive strategy not only boosts the troop levels for the Army, Marines, and Air Force, but also calls for legions of sea men to cover the globe spreading liberty. According to the White House, the plan is part of a larger effort to maximize the potency of all the administration's tools. Critics of the policy shift, however, argue that by artificially swelling the size of his this particular tool the President is merely compensating for his other shortcomings.

MORE