My abortion story...

Skinner's earlier post prompted me to write this. I've been considering it for a while, but I think these stories need to be told, even if this is preaching to the choir.

My college roommate was a Republican. Not just any Republican...a right-wing, Catholic, pro-lifer Republican. We first started rooming together our Freshman year. That was 1996. We had many hours of heated Clinton v. Dole debates. She worked for the Republican Party, I was volunteering for the Nelson campaign. It got ugly. She accused me of being a baby killer because I was pro-choice. She wore anti-abortion t-shirts. She thought the Operation Rescue people made sense.

Eventually, she got a boyfriend. We got into more "debates" because she was calling me a godless liberal on one hand and hypocritically (because she claimed to be a staunch Catholic) having premarital sex on the other.

One day I came home from class to find the phone book open on her desk. It was open to the yellow pages...the abortion section. I found her sobbing in her bedroom. She was pregnant. She had just (finally) realized that her boyfriend was a loser and had meant to break up with him. Her parents (also staunch Catholics) were going to be livid. She told me she was going to get an abortion because she didn't see any other choice. She couldn't give the child up for adoption because she couldn't let the boyfriend or her parents know she was pregnant. She had made an appointment for the following day.

That was one of the most difficult moments of my life. On the one hand, I wanted to be supportive of her decision, on the other, I'd had hours of discussions with her about how she felt about abortion. The only thing I knew for sure is that I couldn't let her make that decision right then. So I said to her, "K...do me a favor. I know you don't see any other options right now, but please cancel the appointment." She looked at me, shocked, and started yelling, "YOU OF ALL PEOPLE! I thought YOU would support me!" I replied, "K, I do support you. That's why you can't do this. Cancel the appointment. Take some time to think about it. Talk to people you trust. And if, after a week, you still think this is the only answer, I'll support you every way I can. I'll drive you there. I'll hold your hand. I'll be there while you grieve. But please, don't do it tomorrow."

She agreed. She cancelled the appointment. Within a few days she realized that she couldn't go through with the abortion. It was simply against her beliefs. She decided that she would tell her boyfriend and her parents and give the baby up for adoption. None of that was easy. Her parents disowned her. Her boyfriend strong-armed her into keeping the baby.

About a year later, she came to me and thanked me for stopping her. She apologized for ever having called me a baby killer and told me that she finally understood what it meant to be pro-choice. It wasn't that I wanted abortions to happen. It was that I wanted the woman to have a choice. She realized that it wasn't a lawmaker's job to take that kind of choice away. She said she understood now that when a woman makes that decision, it is never an easy one. It's not a form of birth control, it's a heartbreaking decision that's made when the woman feels that no other choice will work. She decided to take another road, but she now knows the circumstances under which that choice is made. She is still a Republican, but she is now pro-choice.

I didn't tell this story so that anyone could bash her for being a hypocrite. She is well aware of that now. I tell it because it was a very powerful set of events that allowed both of us to see past the politics and witness what it's like for real people to make that choice. Being pro-choice doesn't mean that we like to kill babies. If only we could make the other side understand that.

is that people could see the light, change their mind, and not be called a flip flopper. Abortion is wrong...for me. But I'm not going to push my beliefs on you,demand laws be made to support my opinion...for myself or otherwise.

Thanks for sharing your story.

I wish people like her were capable of imagining the situation BEFORE they got into it.

I can imagine it was very hard for all involved. I hope her parents eventually come around and open their hearts to their daughter again.

have come around, to some extent. They still like to throw it in her face, but she's been kind enough to let them be a part of her child's life.

judge not lest ye be judged, and all that jazz.

:thumbsup:

And you're a much better person than I am, because I would have immediately (starting with when she was having pre-marital sex) pointed out her utter hypocrisy. You should spread this story far and wide. She herself should be willing to tell it, especially since she wound up having the baby. I'm curious, is the ex-bf still around? Is she on her own raising the baby?

Does she work to see that choice remains a viable option?

to do her whole life...not judge. Amazing how us "godless commies" carry on Christ's message...even those of us who don't believe, far better than those who believe.

Trust me, I pointed out the hypocrisy about the pre-marital sex on more than one occasion.

She hasn't told the story because nobody else knows about it. She ended up marrying the father. They've been married for um...7 years, I think, and now have 2 kids. She can't talk about it because he would absolutely freak out if he knew that she ever considered aborting his child.

She doesn't actively work to ensure that choice remains a viable option, but at least she's quit working to see that abortion is made illegal.

(ie, bullied, threatened, etc) to keep the child? WHY?

I wish I knew. That's one area where I'm not nearly as good a friend. I hate him and they both know it. Consequently, she doesn't discuss their relationship with me. ;)

There is no reason to bash her....what you did...was something a true friend would do....You gave her breathing room to think....you didn't pound her over the head.....you made it clear that the choice is every womens choice....and women truely don't know what they will do until they are in that position...

It's about women having control of their own bodies....

This is the way it is done!!!

It does come down to personal choice and the freedom to exercise that choice.

DemEx

I am Speechless....

Many livid pro-lifers assume that pro-choice people want abortion as the only choice. I have a dear friend who still thinks this way and is so closed minded that it's like talking to a wall. The assumption these people make is that if you are pro-choice you are immoral.

You acted in the girl's best interest, and that spoke volumes to her. Virtue may be its own reward, but you got a bonus in that situation.

no judgment, to make her decision in a fairly clear space. My best to both of you.

I wish the RW bloggers would see it.

Sometimes people just can't understand something unless it happens to them personally.

probably had her attitudes about abortion instilled in her at a young age. It's not easy to turn your back on those early teachings. I'm glad she trusted you enough to follow your advice and not make her choice based on emotions, but on reason.

her choice was hypocritical either...more so her actions prior to getting pregnant.

I think she trusted my advice simply because she knew that I wasn't trying to steer her away from getting an abortion. She knew from our previous conversations how I felt about it, so when I stopped her, she was shocked. And then she realized that I was looking out for her best interests.

the abortion!!!

but despite our differences, we were friends. And I knew she would regret it.

Which may be an even bigger lesson for the girl.

I canceled my appointment too. And that baby is now a 27 year old chemical engineer and technical writer. I made one choice, then another. They were both mine to make regardless of the outcome.

The only thing I hate more than abortion is someone telling someone else they can't get one.

Taking the time to think about it is a very good thing to do.

You are a seriously good person.
Everyone should read this.
Everyone.

thank you. :hug:

gave her insight to something she NEVER considered-
A Choice!!

She was very fortunate to have a friend like you at that
difficult time in her life. Maybe now, she will understand
other women in her situation.

Thanks for sharing this.
It's a beautiful (and well written) story.

I just did what I felt was right. It's about choice, not about rushing the woman to the nearest Planned Parenthood.

My reward was that she does understand what it means to make that choice now. And she understands what it means to be pro-choice.

And I got to hold her adorable, loved, cherished, and wanted baby girl. That's all the thanks I need.

is that they are the ones who make life so difficult for any girl who is single, poor and powerless who chooses motherhood over abortion. For a long time I've been a single mother of 3, 2 of whom are handicapped. I was married, but he was so violent to the children I had to take them away from him, which meant living in absolute poverty for years, eating dried beans and whatever the greengrocer was throwing out, having no heating, and, at first, no chairs or beds.

I know that what I did took courage and hard work, and I'm thrilled that, since then, I've bought us a house. But to the religious crowd, I'm bad because I'm a single mother, and that, for them, is the end of the story. I've even been told by people from the noxious weed here known as Hillsong, a rabbidly right-wing government supported proselytizing church that promises riches to all its members, that I must repent of having my children if I want to be "saved". Of course I was not telling them I'd been married, because that would be like agreeing that a mother who hadn't been would deserve that kind of talk.

The people who have never judged me are, of course, the same pro-choice crowd that would have allowed me to have abortions if I'd decided I needed to.

I really believe many anti-choicers just hate (other) women, they are sadists who justify anything they do on the grounds that at least they make other women miserable for doing the same thing.

your story. I'm so sorry people have treated you badly for making the decisions that were right for you and your kids.

You're right, of course. The fatal flaw of the anti-choice movement is that for them, life begins at conception and ends at birth. Morally, you cannot force a woman to have a baby and then dump her like yesterday's trash once that child is born. Until they do that, in my opinion, the anti-choice argument doesn't have a moral leg to stand on.

:hug:

Thanks for sharing it.

I can't really add much to what other DUers have said except :yourock:

:hug:

You did a wonderful thing. I hope she realizes that she was very fortunate to have the choices she did. We older women didn't have them.

I just stay away from fundies because I'm a hot head. I'm glad there's people like you out there who can reach them.

I don't really know what to say.

As for staying away from fundies, it wasn't really an option at the time...I grew up in Nebraska. ;) Unfortunately, I wasn't nearly as successful in reaching most of them, though I have found that "killing" them with kindness and understanding works far better than arguing and/or fighting (I did my fair share of that too).

I grew up in Jersey. Moved to Texas. Then back to NYC. All the anti-choice folks I know just don't talk about it because they're in the minority.

It was either talk to the fundies, or basically never open my mouth. ;) I moved to Los Angeles about 6 months ago and I still find it weird to be in the majority! Weird...in a very good way.

and you did a very good job of being truly supportive. :hug:

In both cases, a friend wanted me to unequivocally advocate that they get an abortion just because they knew I was an outspoken feminist with strong pro-choice views. I told them both they had to think about what it meant to THEM. One got an abortion and the other didn't. Both were better for examining their own insides rather than hearing rhetoric from me.

K&R

On the other note... Many of us are Pro-life...But we are also for choice.
Some pro-lifers don't understand this, perhaps your story will help them understand. I had the opportunity to have a choice and it's not easy, you live with it everyday.
It would be nice if women could talk openly about the choice they made to help with the healing process, without feeling like they are being castrated by their religious peers. It also helps to tell other women what you experienced often years after an abortion so it can help them with their decision.
Abortion is always going to be an issue in this country, I recommend everyone read the book Conscious Conception. We should be teaching our daughters these things at an early age, so they don't find themselves making the choice like our generations did.