TWO IRISHMEN are digging a ditch across the road from a bordello...

One looks up and sees a Protestant minister sneaking up the street and looking both ways before sliding into the bordello. One Irishman looks at the other and says, "Aye and begorrah! Would ya look at that. A religious squire going into a place like that."

A bit later they see a rabbi quickly dart from a side street into the bordello. One says to the other, "Is it any wonder that the youth of today are so misguided when men of the cloth behave like this."


A bit later they spy a Catholic priest slowly walking down the street and then quickly into the bordello. One Irishman looks at the other and says, "Oh Jesus, Mary and Joseph, one of the poor girls must be dying."

I've gotta share that w/ my Dad tonight!

and thanks for the laugh!

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey".

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."


- end -

I'll be tellin' that one a bit later.

:spray: :rofl:

Universal appeal. A great message.

:rofl:

An Irishman has a flat tire and pulls over to the parking lot of a Catholic Church,
Gets out his lug wrench and jack and proceeds to get the tire off...
....after taking off the bolts, the wheel still won't come off and he starts cussing
like a drunken sailor. He continues to scream obscenities so loud that the Priest,
in the Church, hears him and comes out.
"Son..My dear Son, you shouldn't let your anger explode like that and say those foul words,
especially on this fine St. Patty's day...just say a prayer to Saint Patty and maybe he can help"
The Guy says: You're right Father..I'm sorry and ashamed.
"Please..Oh Holy Saint Patty..help me get off my Wheel"
The Wheel falls right off the Rim!.. and..the Priest says: Well, I'll be a Son-of-a-Bitch!

eom

and traded it to the preacher for a bicyle. A few days latter he is riding his bike past the preachers house and the preacher is trying to start the lawnmower, seeing Johnny he ask how do you get this thing to start, Oh, I'm sorry preacher I forgot to tell you that it won't start until its had a good cussing. The preacher tell him I quit using those kind of words 30 some years ago, I don't think I even remember any of them. Little Johnny riding away on the bicycle hollers over his shoulder, just keep pulling on that rope and they will start coming back to you.

Pat & Mike are walking and come the church.

"Ah, Pat, I'll go and make me confession."

He enters the confessional and goes through the usual mumbo-jumbo.

"Father, oy've got a turrible confeesion t'make. Oy've had a married woman".

"Micheal, ye beast, that's awful. Who was it, then?

"I can't tell ye Father. I promised."

"If ye don't tell me, ye awful man, I won't be able to give ye absolution.

"I can't father."

"Was it Mrs. Healy?"

"No niver father."

"Was it Mrs. O'Keefe?"

"Mrs O'Keefe? No father."

"Och. Then it musta been that terrible Mrs. Riley."

"Oh, no. Father 'twasn't Mrs. Riley. I'll niver tell, father, I can't."

"Well, then get out of my sight. Ye'll get no absolution from me!"

Pat asks Mike, when he comes out. "Well, Mike, did ye get yer absolution?"

"Nah. But, I got three great leads"

eom

and comes upon the newly married Mrs McGuire and says,

"So tell me Mrs McGuire, How is Mr McGuire?"

" Oh fine, fine Father"

" And tell me Mrs. McGuire have you any wee ones on the way?"

" Och no Father, Mr McGuire and I are trying our best but we are yet to be blessed with a little child"

" Well Mrs McGuire, next week I'm leaving for Rome on an extended sabbatical, and while I'm there I'll light a candle for you and Mr. McGuire to have children".

"Oh that would be wonderful Fr. Thank you very much" says Mrs McGuire.

Years pass, and Fr. Meehan returns to Limerick and one day as he is walking down a street he come upon Mrs McGuire and says,

" Mrs McGuire how are you?"

" Oh grand, Fr. grand I am"."

"And tell me Mrs McGuire have you and Mr. McGuire been blessed with any children?"

" Oh yes Fr., we have fourteen children, nine boys and fives girls and now I'm with child again".

" God Lord, Mrs McGuire, you and Mr. McGuire certainly have been blessed"

" Well Fr. Meehan, I don't know if Mr. McGuire feels that way"

" And why is that Mrs. McGuire?"

" Mr. McGuire left after he found out I was with child again".

" Left you? Why thats awful Mrs. McGuire".

" Yes, Father, he left me to go to Rome to blow out that bloody candle".

(one step below a bishop) .. when I was about 10. Like George Carlin said "I was raised an Irish Catholic... now I'm an American."
- - - -
An Irishman goes into the confessional, kneels down, and says to the priest.... "Bless me father for I have sinned. Today I killed 3 British soldiers."

There was a long pause, and the Irishman thinks he's shocked to priest into silence.

"Father.... father.... are ye there?"

"Come come, me lad.... stop yer braggin' and get on with yer sins!"

Here's my first:


An Irishman, an Englishman and a beautiful girl
are riding together in a train,
with the beautiful girl in the middle.
The train goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark.
Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap!

The train comes out of the tunnel.
The woman and the Irishman are sitting there looking perplexed.
The Englishman is bent over holding his face,
which is red from an apparent slap.

The Englishman is thinking,
"Damn it, that Mick must have tried to kiss the girl,
but she thought it was me and slapped me!"

The girl is thinking,
"That Englishman must have moved to kiss me,
but kissed the Irishman instead and got slapped."

The Irishman is thinking,
"If this train goes through another tunnel,
I could make another kissing sound and slap that Englishman again!!!"

One of the best yet!

:rofl:

Patty O'Furniture


:beer:

An elderly man by the name of Mr. Murphy was laying on his deathbed, with his son at his bedside.

The old man said suddenly, "It's time! Send for the Minister."

The son said, "The Minister! Dad, I think you mean the priest. We are devout Catholics."

"Get the Minister! Get the Minister!" the dying man repeated agitatedly.

"Dad, your illness must be affecting your mind," the son replied, patting his father on the shoulder. "I will call the priest."

The old man insisted, "If you have ANY love for your father, you will do as I have asked."

So, reluctantly, the son did his father's bidding, and soon thereafter, the Minister arrived and converted the old man to the Protestant faith. Moments later, the parish priest knocked on the door.

The son said, "Father, I am afraid you are too late. The Minister has already been here."

The priest rushed over to the old man's beside and he asked in dismay, "HOW could you do it? WHY did you do it?"

The old man looked up and replied, "Well, Father, I figured that if someone had to die, better one of them than one of us."


Many more to be found at www.p45.net/jokes/index.shtml

Patty O'Furniture

and stays out all night?



Patti O'Furniture :silly:

Love that groaner!

Happy St. Paddy's Day all!

And the impact rips her clothes off. The Parish Priest comes on the scene, and in an effort to preserve her modesty, place his hat over her pubic region.
O'hara, staggering by, pushes his way to the front of the crowd, takes a look and declares:
"Oh, Jesus and Mary and Padraig! First thing we do is get that MAN out of there!"

and Aaron suggests they go there that night to help celebrate its grand opening. Owen thinks that's a great idea, but Evan is doubtful.

"I've heard that they're planning to make you pay for the sex there," he said warningly.

"Well duh," says Aaron, "It's a brothel, and that's what brothels are. They are places where you pay for sex."

"Nah, they're not, you gotta t'all tit aboot arse agin," Evan exclaims. "Take it from me, in the old McNamarra's brothel they not only don't charge you, they pay you to come there. I know, because someone I know very well goes there three times each week and tells me all aboot it."

"You're getting your chain yanked, buddy," Owen explains. "There's no such thing as a brothel where they pay you to have sex. You've been conned by a real good bullshit artist there."

"What did you say?" roars Evan. "How dare you call my missus a liar!"

HAPPY ST.PATRICKS DAY!!!



:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

...the chauffeur lets out a fine dressed gent.

Paddy walks up to him and says, "NOW ye must be well off t'be dressed so foin and dandy, an' be riding in sucha swell machine."

The swell says "WELL, I work for Cunard."

Paddy says, "Well I work Fuckin' Hard too, and I'll never own me a ROLLS!"

An IRA man shows up at the pearly gates and St. Peter comes out to greet him. St.

Peter takes one look and says "I don't think you can get in here.

The IRA man says"Who wants in? You've twenty minutes to get the *#!@ out! or you're toast!!

great joke!