For we, who grieve

This post was prompted by Danmel's loss and the responses in the thread which reminded me of those of us who grieve.


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For Danmel on her father's passing (and for those of us, who share her loss)



From the moment of your father's death, time will seem suspended in amber only to pass in an instant. And you will grieve.

At first there is a gathering of family and friends. Jokes and stories abound. Maybe even some morbid humor as you get through the living that constitutes dying. Bittersweet memories of a loved one now gone.

The pain is so intense you won't feel it anymore. Days seem like minutes which take months to pass.

The family gathered will dispurse to their everyday lives and you will return to yours. Not gradually as you might like; but SMACK into the mundane every day which is your life. And you will grieve. And you will cope. And the weeks pass.

The pain is so intense; it's a knife in your gut; you can't breath, but you must. So you gasp.

Every morning you awake to the feeling of loss. Then you remember and you gasp.

Every thought, every feeling returns to your dad. As you work. As you drive. As you write checks for bills. A constant sharp pain where your dad once lived is ever present.

You hear a funny story and you reach for the phone. But he's not there to hear it and you gasp. Tears become a constant companion and threat. Ours is not a world which honors the grieving. So you swallow your tears and move on.

You need your best advisor for a major decision. "I'll have to check with my dad" almost escapes your lips as you swallow and tell the person in front of you, "I'll have to get back to you on that." You feel numb.

You can't remember his face. And you cry for what you've lost. Pouring over old family photos you vow to etch his face in your mind. But you don't. You can't remember his face. You feel fear. Then shame. Then numb.

One morning you awaken and finish your coffee before the feeling of loss returns. You feel guilt you forgot. The pain stabs you in the gut and you gasp.

One day you hear a funny story and think "my dad would have loved that" and you smile through the tears. And you cry as you laugh.

The next morning you awake to a pain so intense you can't breath. You remember and you cry.

Months down the road as you face another decision, you think, "I wonder what my dad would have done?" You smile with a bittersweet memory of your dad's words ringing through you head. And you breathe.

Days later you awake and remember you dreamt of your dad. And you smile.

One day as you're driving down the road, the pain hits so hard you have to pull over and scream and cry and rage at the world. Then you breathe.

Weeks later as you're working in your garden, unbidden your father's face comes to you. You gasp. Then you smile. Then you cry.

The next morning you awake to your father's face in your mind. And you smile. Then you breathe. Then you smile and you go on.

This is the most perfect post I have ever read on the landscape of grief for a loved one...

K&R

And bookmarked, because the day is coming when I will need to read this for the loss of my own Dad...

Thank you

:hug:

I hope you do not need to return to this bookmarked thread any time soon. It is a hard road to travel in this world.

You are welcome.

:hug:

Both my parents are still alive ...

They are nearly 90 years old now...

I know the road will be hard, and I want to be as prepared as I can for it.

:hug:

Just stunning.

As someone who lost her entire birth family and most of the extended as well before she was 50 let me tell you that your post is the most perfect description of the moments during and after loss that I have ever read. I have been there far too many times but I could not have said it better than that.

You never get over missing them but you get used to living with it.

To Danmel :hug: Take good care of yourself.

though I'm sorry to hear you know it so well. I cannot fathom your losses.

Thank you for taking the time to say so.

by now. They are the same losses everyone else will deal with, I am just done with them early. Still, this is wonderful and I am also bookmarking it because it is so beautiful.

I value your opinion.

Thank you.

good friend who just lost her life partner to cancer. I think your words will give her comfort also. I, too, am bookmarking this for the future. Thanks for posting it. I know danmel will find comfort in this post also.:hug:

I'm glad that my words may be of comfort or of help to someone else going through such a difficult time.

My best to your friend and to you.

:hug:

:rofl:

A bit of laughter to heal the soul. Thank you. :D

It is so universal -- this could be published and should be in my opinion, it's that good, and moving, and comforting.

Thank you Cerridwen!

Universal - yes, that's what I was thinking as I wrote it. My experience reflects the experience of others who reflect my experience.

We are more alike than we are different - yes, though it's unpopular to say so, even with regard to left vs. right.

Funny you should mention publish. I was thinking I might send it in to a local alternative paper.

Thank you and You're Welcome. :)

with memories swimming around in my head.

the healing waters which salve our pain.

Memories - the home movies of our lives; accessible 24/7/365 (for those of us with good projectors).

I have already printed this out. How perfect for expressing grief. You are gifted. Thank you. My dad has been "gone" for 20 years. My grief has abated. My poor mother lives her grief every day. I want to show her what you have written. I feel sure she will see herself in what you have written and will know she has a kindred spirit in you.

My dad died in 1989. My mother just started living beyond her grief a couple of years ago. I didn't know if she'd ever be able to "return to this world". She clung so desperately to the time gone.

I wish healing for you and your mother. She has more kindred spirits around her than she may yet see. If my words will help a bit, I am happy. And I have a picture of my dad in my head and he's smiling, too.

I am richer for knowing you.


R.I.P Danmel's Dad.

:blush:

Thank you.

I feel the same about you.

And so true.

K&R & :hug: