Someone asks you "What do you do?" and you have no socially adequate answer

Does anyone else have this problem? There is nothing in particular that I do. I do many things. It really irritates me that we are somehow identified by our occupations. For better or worse, I really don't have, for the time being, what I can sincerely call an occupation. I invest, I write, I study things that are of interest to me. I look after people in my family who are sick. I have fascinations, obsessions, good fortune, great troubles and setbacks. I can never answer this question, and I resent that it is so important in this country to "be" or "do" something in particular. But I don't necessarily want to explain this to everyone who asks me who I am and what I do. I'm just...existing.

Do people look at you askance, because you are in the park at noon, are in the grocery store at ten AM, or just doing whatever you need to do around town and are under the age of 55--not near retirement age?

If you are sort of an itinerant, wanderer, Jack of all Trades, or have some unconventional methods of living and surviving, how do you deal with the prejudice against people who look too young to be retired, but do not hold regular nine to five jobs?

The one I use a lot, which is essentially true, is that I do "research".

Perhaps you could bill them for it! :7

And I used it when needed, even when my consulting was all of 5-10 hours a week, and the SAHM gig was the vast majority of my time.

Sad that one is more respected than the other, though.

but then I don't equate my job with "what I do".

and watch their eyes glaze over with boredom.
Note: this only applies to women.

Seriously, as cliche as it sounds. I wish I could afford to stay home.

Their eyes only glaze over until you say something else. Then I'll bet they're fascinated! ;)

edited cuz I cant spell

At the time we had one old car, and I clipped coupons and shopped consignment stores and yard sales. I managed to work part time except when they were in half-day kindergarten. It was really hard, but we learned how to be frugal.

I can remember staying home for seven years with two kids and LOVED it.

At least that's how I remember it NOW...

... you're a guy!

At least at first.

Later the questions will creep in... is it that he couldn't get a real job? Or that sort of thing.

The lack of respect for taking on the hard job of raising a family and caring for them is pretty ingrained in our culture, I'm afraid. Screwy.

too much work :)

Stay-at-home mom. Hard job with long hours, but I get the glazed look in company. My hubby's a doctor, so everyone assumes that he's the smart one, when I got better grades in college and helped him study and read through his journals to make sure he reads what he needs to and doesn't waste time reading what he doesn't need. I'm "just" the mom, though.

Tell people about the interesting things you do, or at least, the interesting news items, or laughs. Are you really telling me that "this does not apply" to men?

especially here in the Washington DC area, where you're nobody unless you're gainfully employed full time, preferably by the federal government or a government contractor.

I'm also a journalist and writer, which always interests people when I tell them what I do. But I was curious to see how people would react to my being a homemaker or stay-at-home mom. As expected, a couple of folks I met at one homeowner association holiday party reacted as though I were a complete moron.

or "lifestyle manager."

It makes them think for a minute. Then they write down "unemployed." :grr:

"Are you gainfully employed?"

You seem to be of the category who can say "I'm self-employed."

and low self esteem. Even when people don't ask me what I do, I expect them to, or feel judged anyway.

Come to think of it, this might be a Lounge thread, not a GD.

it is not a lounge thread.

on edit...this would be one of the more intelligent posts over there. take it there and raise the standard. please gawd.

:evilgrin:

Post or spinning someone elses observation into making them feel guilty for expressing themselves. This is what America is fast becoming, where people show no symphaty towards other peoples feeling, why attack the post, why respond in a negative manner, I'll make a suggestion, if you don't have anything positive to say use the iggy button and move on.

:silly:

especially that we're "identified" by occupation. People ask that question, "what do you do," before so many other, more pertinent questions that would tell more about a person. People judge each other by profession and it's a symptom of a society that is corpocentric (is that a word? Maybe I just made it up, lol). We should ask each other, "what are your hobbies," or something about the actual person, not what they do to put food on their tables.

Anyway I'm glad you posted it.

we need to be looking beyond someone's occupation as what identified him/her.

I've been in your shoes, OP. There was a time when I wasn't working due to disabilility--one of those invisible ones--and I felt the same way. At the time, I felt so relieved when I started attending some classes, and I could say, "I'm going to school."

If I'd had DU then, I'd have said, "I'm a consultant." :-)

I suspect that a lot of the identification by occupation has to do with a person's socioeconomic status. Depending on the situation, many people might lose interest once they find out you're not pulling down serious do-re-mi.

I lie constantly.

Big lies, small lies. Funny lies, sad lies...

Sometimes I lie so much I can't remember where my fake life ends and my real life begins.

My Favorite Master Artist: Karen Parker GhostWoman Studios

I've done that a couple of times when relatives interrogate me about my life.

such as xxxx, should do it.
It is usually just an entree to discussion anyway - just give the person you are talking to something to discuss with you.
People are looking for common ground.
(Of course we are also being judged but that occurs at all times anyway so don't sweat it. Something tells me you are not one for superficial relationships anyway)

I make the shit people throw away.
Direct Mail.

I like your job better.

say I am a PIMP and let it go at that.

:spray:

....because it sounds better than telling them I can't hold a job".

The reactions I get tell me a lot about people.

I'm a bricklayer. I've made an honest buck all my life, done some beautiful jobs that I can still look at and that will be around for hundreds of years. I was well educated, but the idea of a desk job never appealed to me. What I don't like are the stereotypes that some have when you say you work construction, that you may be red-neck (a term that is mis-used, it should be an honor), or that you are not intelligent. If my son picks up a trowel, however, I will break his arm. (kidding)

is in partnership with his friend.. they build garages for retirement home communities..all over southern calif & arizona. he has a company vehicle with company paid gas. he has a house to stay in in AZ (all expenses paid) and in .. In two weeks he CLEARS $6K, and then does side jobs laying specialty tile for people (when he wants to)..He goes to the World Cup, and travels a lot, because he can schedule his own life.( and he's a great saver..one credit card, paid off every month)

He decided early on, that the desk jobs were not something he was interested in..

Our middle son (IQ 160something) is a crane operator in Seattle (for a specialty steel fabricator)..he makes about $75K..he quit high school and never went to college, and just this week he turned down a headhunter's offer for work at US Steel in Dallas..

Our oldest (also quit high school) makes $300K a year in computer work in Concord..
It's all about finding what YOU like, and to hell with what other people think

I am also a proud member.

Reply "about what?"

n/t

More noble sounding than "I'm a waitress"

financially independent (you don't have to be rich).

Lots of people retire young these days. Then go off and work part time at what they want. You can say you are semi-retired.

That excuses the job and makes allowances for anti-social behaviour, rudeness and drug addiction. Bonus: People think you have scads of cash and you'll have lots of new "best friends"

That's my new title....Trust Fund Baby.



My Favorite Master Artist: Karen Parker GhostWoman Studios

"Oh, I'm a jack of all trades. What about you?" is a perfectly fine answer.

They might be looking for what kind of person you are, so they can have a relevant conversation. :)

:rofl:

It's customary for Americans at a party to ask one another "what do you do?" as opposed to "where do you live?" or "what are you interests?"

We define ourselves by our jobs here.

but it's usually after I ask other questions about them. And if we don't have much to talk about.

It's usually in the vein of having a conversation and trying to find a common interest to talk about. I don't always ask what someone does. But, it does come up, particularly with difficult conversationalists.

I get asked that all over Europe by the friendly natives.
Due to security reasons, I am usually misleading and/or
obscure in my answer, but they DO ask.

It's true, isn't it? Even though you probably don't get paid for it. }(

or I am filling out a form, I say, "I'm a crip".

No one seems to know how to respond to that, so it shuts them up.

Btw, I really am a crip.

As in disabled.

So sorry! I've never heard anybody refer to themselves as a "crip" before, unless it was in the gang context.

so no need to be sorry.

Crip is a power word to many of us who are disabled. My dad who is from the Greatest Generation, called me a cripple. It was the word his generation used.

When I got online about ten years ago, I learned many PWDs called themselves crip, so I just shortened it.

It's all good.

that deals with kids who have cerebral palsy, but it's in a fundraising aspect. Plus they are kids, and they aren't using words to empower themselves yet. And their parents aren't using the word. And certainly their teachers aren't.

So, I haven't come across that. Thanks for explaining! :)

And thank you for your help in raising funds for the kids w/CP.

A dear friend of mine has CP. He lives in Australia and has visited me here in the states twice. Between his Aussie accent and his CP, it was difficult to understand him in the beginning. I asked him if he could speak slower.

Have you ever listened to an Aussie in slo-mo? lol We had an hysterically great time.

It could be worse! He could have a thick Scottish accent on top of it all! :)

Of the IRS.

They go away.

I'm guessing you won't get a follow-up question...:evilgrin:

It's always sounded to me like "what role do you play"? It's an utterly absurd question, in my view.

for VanDeLay industries.

Either that or an architect.

Just don't eat eclairs out of the trash.

i have severe chronic pain due to a progressive spinal condition that has no real cure- it's not going to kill me- although it will most likely shorten my life span. i control the pain somewhat with lots of prescription narcotics(and non-prescription herb-als :evilgrin: ), but i'm a lot more frail than i look, and i generally require a bit of rest throughout the day.

but- people who don't know about my condition are generally puzzled about why i don't work.

44 and been out of work
for 6 years. On the job
injury.

"Do people look at you askance, because you are in the park at noon, are in the grocery store at ten AM, or just doing whatever you need to do around town and are under the age of 55--not near retirement age?"

No, because THEY are there too, LOL.

Not everyone has conventional hours. You have everyone from ER doctors, nurses, police officers and other law enforcement officers, firefighters, EMTs, pilots and other airport-related workers, restaurant workers, taxi drivers, and even financial people like a friend of mine on the West Coast who often works during business hours in Europe because her company is based in Europe. And on and on.

There's a WHOLE big world out there that doesn't operate only from 9-5.

:hi:

But what business is it of anyone else's anyway?

Tell them to F*&k Off! :P

"If you're writing a book, you can leave that chapter out." :)

That is a little hostile, however, and if you want to keep things even, I agree that you can say you're a consultant, and when they ask more probing questions, you can laugh and say you consult for the CIA. Or "I'm a writer" is a great catch-all phrase.

Years ago, when I was a newly-single parent, I started doing editing for court reporters out of my home (and out of my bedroom, actually -- little desk in the corner). I later turned that into a training program which I do over the Internet. So for 30 years I have been a person who "doesn't have a job." Neighbors probably have assumed I'm on welfare because I'm home all the time. My elderly mother still thinks I gave up a good civil service job to become a bum!

At a recent party, when a woman asked me what I do, I replied, "I do my work out of my bedroom"! She was a bit taken aback, and then, after telling her I'm also a wannabe stand-up comic, I explained what I do. And then I asked what she does, and learned that she is a radio announcer at a local station, and her husband is a musician who teaches classes at a local college. So, as a result of the "What do you do?" question, I now have some new and interesting friends. But I certainly know what you mean about the dread of having to explain what you do with other than the standard "librarian, teacher, stockbroker, lawyer, doctor" kind of response. If you're in the mood to use humor, that can help. But sometimes it's just tiresome to have to be "at the ready" with a definition of yourself.

What you speak of is a conundrum because, although I resent it when people immediately ask the "What do you do" question, I have to admit that part of what I wonder about other people is what they do -- and not just to make a living. But I try to know them for more than ten minutes before I ask such a question, and I don't do a frontal assault.

The "I'm a writer, editor, consultant, trainer" thing works for me because when I say "court reporting field," that does it. People are amazed at how court reporters get every word down with that funny little machine...except they *don't* get every word down, and never have. And then I have to back away and say I'm not a court reporter, but I have a peripheral occupation attached to it. Not wanting to explain it all, I just say that a lot of what I do is classified (it isn't), and leave it at that. Or I'm a writer, and I don't share with anyone prior to publication. Q. "Oh, are you a published author?" A. No, but I have several works in progress.

Of course, the other issue you face as someone they can't define is that you are a) probably flat broke and hoping to marry up, or b) you're independently wealthy and *they* are hoping to marry up. In my case, I also face the matter of having a *beautiful* 30ish daughter, and I can never tell if a guy is interested in me and what I do (and how much money I have), or whether he's using me as a path to my daughter (who will no doubt inherit my money when I die -- and none too soon).

You might think I'm making this up, but I'm an -- ahem -- older woman who looks a lot younger than she is (thanks to family genes, all the women live to be 90 but look much younger -- which is not necessarily a blessing), and in the last three years I've had three different guys come on to me and then start looking at their watches and find they need to leave immediately when they learn I'm ten years older than they are, and the look on their faces has suggested that I somehow tricked them. And I didn't start the flirtation! In two of those cases, they then tried to arrange to be alone with my daughter, who is simply sick and tired of "older guys coming onto me." Kucinich carried it off, but not all young and beautiful women want to marry a man their father's age.

For sure, we are a society that wants everybody neatly in a box -- even we "Progressives." I suppose we should all have a resume we carry around with 1) what we do 2) how much we make at what we do 3) whether we're married or in a relationship 4) whether we're "available" (even if we are in a relationship) 5) our FICO score 6) where we live 7) what kind of car we drive 8) our political affiliation 9) whether we do windows 10) the results of our last high colonic (this was my daughter's suggestion).

My daughter has just related a story to me that I just have to get in here: She went to an Irish dance class for the first time, and an older woman came up to her and said, "What church do *you* go to?" apropos of nothing, and without even introducing herself. The real answer was "none," but my daughter declined to answer at all, and walked away, thinking, "Don't I even get dinner first? Use a little lube! Geez!" :rofl:

In closing...Mike03, are you available for lunch next week? I'm sooooooooo curious about what you do. I'm writing a book, and I might like to include a chapter about you! Being retirement age doesn't mean I'll ever be able to retire with "what I do," and for such a "seasoned" thang, I'm younger than springtime! (And...I have a daughter who can pinch hit if I'm having a bad day!) ;-)

has an hour or so for an answer. ;-)

:blush: I'm writing a book, and this was just a brief synopsis. If you'd like to read the *whole* story, I'll put you on my waiting list!

I was just messin' with ya! Hope you didn't take it seriously.

Even I think that I'm sometimes too verbose. But sometimes one-liners annoy me. I want to take whomever posted a little snippet and waterboard them until they come up with some details! :evilgrin:

Thanks for writing. It's hard to tell sometimes, especially with someone you haven't dealt with before, if they're jazzing you or in a really snarky mood!

and when I'm kidding. When I'm really snarky I try to stay off line....I find it saves me a lot of hassle.

Plenty to think about

by saying "I'm a brassiere salesman," with a straight face. (He was actually an insurance agent.) He would then act bewildered or insulted if someone said they didn't believe him, and he would keep insisting that he was, in fact, a brassiere salesman. His message seemed to be "what the hell does it matter what I do?" He was a very popular guy, by the way.

ala Frank Sinatra...
I've been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate, a poet, a pawn and a king
I've been up and down and over and out and I know one thing
Each time I find myself flat on my face
I pick myself up and get back in the race

That's life (that's life), I tell you I can't deny it
I thought of quitting, baby, but my heart just ain't gonna buy it
And if I didn't think it was worth one single try
I'd jump right on a big bird and then I'd fly

I've been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate, a poet, a pawn and a king
I've been up and down and over and out and I know one thing
Each time I find myself layin' flat on my face
I just pick myself up and get back in the race

That's life (that's life), that's life and I can't deny it
Many times I thought of cuttin' out but my heart won't buy it
But if there's nothin' shakin' come this here July
I'm gonna roll myself up in a big ball a-and die

:evilgrin:

but it was in response to where did you go, to an acquaintance who'd been out of town for a couple weeks.

Most people react like they just bit into a lemon. Which suits me fine, because there are plenty of days when I'd rather light my testes on fire than talk fucking shop during a social occasion.

:)

They shut up, or they slip you their "business" card.

Second Question: Are you published?

Answer: Yes.

My dh who is also in the same boat says 'I manage to get along'.

End of conversation. I'm planning to start using it.

I actually work in computers but being in IT is a little like being a doctor in that if you admit it at a party, you spend the next half-hour trying to diagnose the other person's problem based on anecdotes.

At least not one they would talk to, assuming you're not independently wealthy.

I just say "retired".

I could pull out some of my more interesting "what I do" profiles, and rec it up, myself, but the mods might catch on!

It's the novel that the film "Paper Moon" was based on. The young daughter of confidence man Moses Pray, gives what I believe is a most excellent response to the the question: "What does your father do?"

A: "Anyone he can."

What do I do? I write articles and lessons for adult webmasters. To be more specific, I work in Internet porn. This "what do you do?" question is quite the conundrum for people in my business. We are proud but many of us have to be careful with whom we share this information. Some of us tell everyone the exact truth. Some of us tell no one.

I am in the middle. My kid knows. My family knows and my good friends know. As for strangers? It depends on the strangers. Sometimes I tell folks I am a writer, which is true. Sometimes I tell them I am a technical writer, which is also true. Quite often I say I am a contractor - also true.

I'm still waiting for the perfect opportunity to answer:

"Anyone I can"

:)

Go here:

http://rentatroll.com/

What's this "troll" thing that you speak of?

Since I don't really like my current position, and feel like I am unappreciated and capable of so much more than they will let me do, I give myself a promotion. It's more like I tell them what I feel I should be doing, even if my employer will not recognize that.

Consultant is a good one. Or tell them you are a writer.

I understand taking offense at people who judge others by their profession. But why so much hostility at people just for asking the question? A lot of them are just trying to think of something to say. After "can you believe this weather?" some people run out of other socially innocuous conversation.

People who don't want to talk about work should try changing the subject to something they are interested in before getting all "none of your business!" at what could be a harmless and nonjudgmental attempt to be friendly.

waking hours every weekday, it might be something that they are interested in and wouldn't mind talking about.

which is only two of my many interests/talents. It give them an answer on which they can chew. The usual replay is "very interesting", or "cool".

Then if they insist on more, I can spew on and on about esoteric details of music theory/history/instrument construction until their eyes glaze over, and they stagger away in an intellectual stupor.

If that is not enough, I can go into color theory, my surrealist technique and my favorite brand of oil paints.

Sometimes being over-educated can be fun.

:evilgrin:

"You're like a cubist drawing circles" and walk away.

mikey_the_rat

I've always had a profession but suffered from serious burn out several years ago. Since then I've been taking time to indulge in things I love to do -- create art, play music, obsess on politics, care for elderly family members, play in the dirt and a lot of other things. I've just been telling people I'm semi-retired.

Some are social creatures playing an unkind judgment game that you will likely never fathom adequately, and that in all probability, they don't inwardly understand.

If they're not superficial and or unkindly judging you, you're probably perceptive enough to realize it after a glance and a word or two.

AND,
they'll stop asking that stupid question!

"What is your nationality?"

"I'm a drunkard."

Who controls the British Crown?
Who keeps the metric system down?
I do, I do.

Who keeps Atlantis off the maps?
Who keeps the Martians under wraps?
I do, I do.

Who holds back the electric car?
Who makes Steve Guttenberg a star?
I do, I do.

Who robs cave fish of their sight?
Who rigs every Oscar night?
I do, I doooooooooo!

I'm a stripper.
Oh, the reactions I get.

and am not going to even try to go into here, more than briefly. while Seattle is a relatively friendly town concerning alternative and new-agey type therapies, and more people are becoming familiar with Reiki, I hesitate. It is essentially a hands-on healing technique, not quite massage, in fact, there is little hand manipulation used, more hand positioning and using internal energies..anyhow, at this point most people start looking at me like I'm from another planet, while others want me to do a treatment for them right then and there.

Then there's the bank teller who asked me recently what I do, maybe bc I make semi frequent smallish deposits. I asked her, "why, are you tired of working here?"

I'll usually just tell them to google, but then I feel like a cop-out and sound like Cheney during that debate when he said go to "factcheck.com" or whatever (and it ended up actually being. .org or .net instead, hah)

unemployed for awhile (on purpose) i was amazed at how busy i was all the time--always doing things--i'd joke that if i wanted to find a job i didn't have time for it.

for years i used to tell people "i work to support my habit--i'm a writer"

my friend (songwriter/musician worked as a collections asshole, a secretary, etc) and the "jobs" never defined us back then

the question "what do you do" never made sense because it wasn't representative of who we were or what we aspired to become

and i think more and more people are becoming multi-careered; we do a little of this and some of that.

now, settled in a bit, i'm able to give a more direct answer because the way i make most of my living is more representative of who i am than it was twenty five years ago. but it still has nothing to do with what i've been working on all week--i just finished printing up a copy of a 300 page manuscript that i've been working on for a few months.

what do you do? "suffice to say i'm a little complex"

:evilgrin:

"Steve Litzner, better known as James Stephen George Boggs is an American artist best known for his hand-drawn, one-sided copies of U.S. banknotes.

He spends his "Boggs notes" only for their face value. If he draws a $10 bill, he exchanges it for $10 worth of goods".

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/J._S._G._Boggs

and you're just here for a hot meal.
:rofl:

Brits always ask- Where have you gone recently? or What would you like to drink?
Indians alway ask, "So tell me?" the ultimate open-ended question.
Pakistanis alwasy ask, "How is your family?" and work their way through the whole roll-call.
With most Arabs it is a hospitality thing... You will constantly get bombarded with food, snack, or drink offers!

All of the above can be irritating too!

my husband for euros, travel, and eat bon-bons.

Heck I am proud of it! :rofl:

You, my friend, are an aspiring photographer! But your 'job' sounds way cool, and similar to mine! :toast:

I will be selling real estate and hopefully making decent $$$$ again. But it's taken me almost 18 months to get to this point, with 25 hours of classes a week! German is very challenging. :hi:

I have the same sort of problem and I dread being asked the question. I hate feeling judged and feeling incomplete as a person. I feel I have to always justify my existence. Yes, I know that people are generally just trying to start a conversation, but personally for me "what do you do?" feels like an interrogation. It irritates me to pieces because I'm a rather private person and I never ask anyone else the question.

:)

I breathe.

And someone would ask me, "What do you Do?" I'd quickly answer with, "What's YOUR Delusion?"

Shut's them right up, and the Smart ones would stick around and have a nice IN DEPTH conversation...

It's the goddamn Corporate Slave Mentality, totally pervades our American culture.. Ever notice how you're not really ever allowed to just sit and THINK when you might want to? There's always someone showing up to break it up, either you shouldn't be Thinking, or you should be WORKING, Capitalist Comrade :)

That shit drives me NUTS - watch for it, we've been Trained to stop people from deep thought from BIRTH..

We are Taught to be Shallow and to PRODUCE.

A bit scary, ain't it when you think about it...

But not too long :)

I am disabled. Oh I can still do most anything I used to do just not in a fashion that someone will be willing to pay me for it on an hourly bases, so I toil away on projects around home for us and the kids, family and friends.

I used to fix cars. If I told some one my job I would have a tough time with the rest of the conversation. There's the inevitable disdain heaped on a person who gets their hands dirty. I would actually get comments like "you're pretty smart for a grease monkey". The other thing is the demand for the insider analysis of the industry like I have up-to-the-minute engineering data to answer questions like "why do they build them like that"? Invariably somebody would regal me with their bullshit tale of how a friend of a friend bought a car that got 400 mpg, but when they took it in for its first service, the dealer removed the "experimental carburetor" and when they got the vehicle back it got 8 mpg. And of course, "my car does X, and it's been in the shop 35 times and they haven't fixed it, why not?"

Now since I fix computers, well actually nothing is different except no-one tells me I'm smart for a computer geek. (Although I did have one person comment that he was amazed to meet a computer guy with a sense of humor.)

to meet people..

cruises per year, I love California, Nevada and traveling Europe with unplanned extended stays which helps to keep you alive, spontaneity can be rewarding and adventurous.

Its a huge Puritan work ethic thing. And yes, I judge people based on their profession to a certain extent, especially on first impressions. Do you have a degree? That tells me you are someone who can finish what you start (college), navigate red tape (via the bureaucracy), probably had a strong interest or possible passion for a career (because you spent so much time studying it), and has the maturity to understand the concept of "delayed gratification" because you probably had to put off starting your "adult life" (spouse, kids, home, etc.) while you were a student.

Of course, this applies to "young adults or established career adults" and if you are an older (returning) college student, there are a whole lot of assumptions that go into that, too. You are probably having to become a master juggler of meeting everyone's needs, along with your own studying, because you either want to better your life, or have a presumed passionate interest in something.

However I'm not going to 'stop getting to know someone' based on these little internal monitors -- on the contrary, I'm trying to find out more about the person I'm talking with, and the question "what do you do" is simply an opening. Everyone has their own little peculiar quirks that goes into things (I don't fit into many of my own stereotypes!), but its part of being social creatures.

And, if you are an unemployed "bum" who is living off of the relatives you are taking care of, then I don't want you dating someone from my family because you are financially unstable, not planning for your own financial future, and therefore not someone who is probably capable of taking care of a spouse/children in the event of financial hardship. Unfortunately, this also applies to those who are disabled from a "physical" job who are not able to take care of their financial needs themselves -- undoubtedly charming people, but a drain on family resources instead of an asset, which is not a good thing when families are trying to achieve initial stability. It doesn't mean I won't be your friend; it means I probably don't want you to become Family (because that way your lack of responsible adult behavior is someone else's problem, and not ours). And please note that "taking care of family" is extremely important to me and mine -- my BIL is developmentally disabled, and will *always* be a joyous responsibility; he brings much happiness into our lives, and is *NOT* a burden, but a blessing -- but he also takes energy/money to deal with....

You said you are taking care of sick relatives. Nothing personal, but I know plenty of people that I have a great deal of respect for who do that, work a full time job, take care of their own IMMEDIATE family, and still have rich, full lives. Its not easy, obviously, but its just part of life. The "bad" part for those who become FULL TIME UNPAID caregivers is that there is an opportunity cost where they are unable to start putting money away for their own rainy days/aging issues, but many are so busy living in the "now" of the crisis du jour they don't think about the future -- and yes, that is something I think about/judge people on. Again, it doesn't mean we can't be friends, but I'll have an opinion which I may or may not keep to myself depending on the closeness of our relationship.

As I said, making a contribution to society in some fashion is very important to me and mine. My (retired) FIL is extremely active with the Boy Scouts; my (retired) mother still manages a small rental property, and does regular volunteer work, as well as helping with her grandchildren. There is a great deal of respect (deserved) that goes with getting up in the morning and going to "work" -- whether that "work" is a paying job where you also help to support the community via taxes as well as your family, or are taking care of a family/children -- especially because we *all* have days where we'd rather pull the covers up over our head, whimper a little, and stay in bed for the day. The person who gets up ANYWAY is the one for whom I have more respect.

I am proud of my family's work ethic; one of my sisters (now deceased) had MS, and there was an underlying scorn to her receiving funds from the government. *WE* are the ones who contribute; we do our best not to be "takers" and that is part of our "family pride". Oddly enough, she reserved *more* respect from "family" when she began supplementing her funds via drug dealing! (Yes, its a weird thing, but its just one of my family things.) As for me, I once had a boyfriend who didn't share this work ethic value, and it was *most educational* -- I finally had to tell him "I don't care if you push grocery carts: GET A JOB!" The relationship didn't work out (fortunately), and I found someone who better shared my value systems. As a result, we were able to financially plan for what turned into eight years of infertility treatments, and now I am able to stay at home with my nine month old twins. (Its not lucky -- this was planned, and we worked very hard to make sure it could happen.)

Anyway, my mother said something that has stuck with me my entire life: Its Not How Smart You Are That Counts -- Its What You Do With It. To me that means its not your IQ that matters, but the kind of contribution you make to the rest of the planet. If you are able to financially support yourself such that you can take care of sick relatives, that is awesome, and I'm impressed. If you are leeching off of them instead, not so much. Answering the question "what do you do" is probably the least of your worries if the second is true (because you should be ashamed, at least in my world), but if the first is true and you are independently wealthy/able to manage your own assets in a positive way, then YEAH for you! (But you still need to make some kind of contribution to be proud of, and not play Paris Hilton, if you want Respect.)

My opinion only. Take it for what its worth. :)

I sometimes face the much worse question of "How much do you make?" :wtf:

That question makes "What do you do?" seem positively benign. How would you like having your entire identity boiled down, not just to a job, but to a precise dollar figure?

If it's an American-born girl who asks, I usually try to end the date as soon as possible. For a couple of foreign-born girls I went on dates with, I took the time to gently explain why the question is a no-no, attributing (rightly or wrongly) the asking of the question to differing cultural norms. Someone who has a low income is going to feel unfairly judged on that basis, while a guy with a high income is going to think the girl only likes him for his money. I understand the desire to know if a guy will be a good provider, but if you throw money issues out there on the first date, it has more than a whiff of prostitution to it and is a major turn-off.

Well, at least for the most part.. but on the first date, ahem, I think no.

How much money do you make?


hah! just kidding.

I have so far managed to come up with is some variant of "Enough" or "I'm comfortable".

:shrug: I would think most women would know better than to ask that question on a date (especially a first date) but if there's some overwhelming flaunting of wealth going on, that might push the less tactful among us to ask.

Never have and probably never will. Which incidentally has cost me more than one potential girlfriend, even though driving is absolutely unnecessary where I live. So it's probably my lack of any ostentatious display of wealth that prompts the question. My well-to-do friend who drives a beat-up VW van gets the same sort of skepticism.

There are simply a lot of materialistic people in this world. Luckily they are easy to weed out. But some of the behavior really makes you shake your head. I knew one girl who would check with the DMV to see what model of car a guy drove before she would consent to go on a date with him. Another of my friends went on a date with a girl who ordered the most expensive entree on the menu, ate only the side salad, and then wondered why he declined to go on another date with her. I recently had one girl drop me after the second date because she met a guy with an 80' yacht. I could go on and on. Someday I'll write a book about it.

Of course, I am dealing with a skewed sampling of humanity. There is obviously something not quite right with anyone who dates chronically and can never seem to find a compatible partner. :P

That is what I do, currently and I am very proud of it.

"I invest, I write, I study things that are of interest to me."

That makes you sound like an interesting person and is a good lead in to conversation, which is the reason people usually ask the question. Like you, I never like equating how I make money with the answer to 'what I do'.

humorous approaches to take when dealing with this issue.

I am really shocked to see that this thread didn't drop like a rock. It's almost embarrassing that it was read and responded to this many times.

It's not like I don't do anything--I'm busy from two in the morning until six or seven at night, but it's an amalgamation of things that people don't respect, like learning, spiritual practice, research, reading, trying to make a difference in my small circle of friends and family, trying to overcome some obstacles in my life. In other words, trivia.

By the way, many people posted that I should say I'm a "writer."

Well I really AM a writer, or was... Haven't written anything in damn near two years, but what I have written fills an attic.

Anyway, thanks for the responses. I wish I could respond to them individually. Each one--or at least a great many--deserve responses. This is a thread I will bookmark and print out, so I don't forget your thoughts, sentiments and ideas.

:hi:

Thanks for the OP. :hi:

In that movie, Wally complains about being asked this question and thinks it is ridiculous that it is the first question people ask at parties. He doesn't want to be "put in a little box" in that way.

Andre was always my favorite character: I doubt he COULD answer this question since there is no single thing he does--he just does whatever he is moved to do. But his life is so much more exciting than Wally's.

Maybe I'll look for that speech by Wally and post it, if I can find my copy of the screenplay.

I must have been sixteen or so when my dad took me to that movie; it had a huge impact on me. Andre makes a very good case for following one's spirit--however, that is a luxury that most of us can't afford.

and there is nothing socially "inadequate" about what you are doing. What you are doing is respected by most people I come in contact with. I tell them I am unemployed in order to care for my mother full time. I usually get respect for that

that's probably what they want to know....

"I proofread dictionaries to make sure all the I's are dotted and the T's are crossed."
"I wander parties asking people what they do for a living. You caught me on my day off."
"I brutally murder people who ask me annoying questions."

It's not acceptable to be back in college after I should have graduated 15 years ago.

But I was working. When my job left for India without me, I went back to finish my degree. So now I just piss people off and blow the curve in some classes.

I thoroughly enjoy confusing people when they ask me what I do. I got surveyed the other day and the guy thought I was lying to him. He asked what range my income was in, and what my occupation was.

If asked casually what I do, I say "lots of things." If asked formally, I say student, just to watch them corner themselves. Oh, Doctorate or Masters? Nope, Bachelors. Huh. :-)

There's one of you in every class and we college profs love you older students. You're our serious learners (as opposed to "grade attainer").



Cher

My professors are generally pretty happy with me since I have a lot of work experience, and I'm in the business college. So they like the real life examples of outsourcing/offshoring and other stuff that I have *WAY* too much personal experience with.

I behave though. I try to answer the first two or three questions, and then stop. I want to let them know I came prepared, but stop so the normal students can participate. It's weird though, they are all so hung up on appearances now that nobody will speak out unless called on. They won't shut up in between classes, but in class they're silent.

I retired at 45 due to a large inheritance. I own investment properties and a nice sized portfolio, but have no daily occupation. When asked that question, I tell them, "I do exactly what I want to do!" The biggest fredom of financial independence is control of one's time. I donate time and monies to charities of my choice, and spend as much time as possible with my wife of 13 yrs who has survived cancer for five years now. She, too, donates many hours of her time to charitable causes.
I do not care what people think of me because I do not have a daily occupation. I am what I am. (who said that? Popeye?)

If you want a serious answer, you're a "polymath."

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polymath

I just coyly reply "Oh, a little of this and a little of that." And it's true of course.

Throw in a bit of a smile when you say it and they will be beyond intrigued. Leave 'em guessing I say.

Julie

Redstone

Michael Keaton spoke that line in a movie, the title of which escapes me at the moment. It was a comedy about some guys in a mental institution.

his housemate as a "futurist." The housemate even has professional business cards printed with that classification on it.

He tells people he's a writer (because he is) and does performances of his poetry. He might say more, but it's at least that much. I think he feels more ashamed than resentful when asked the question and that's because he's still struggling to establish himself. It affects his social life somewhat. He has really been uncomfortable in social occasions where people are talking about houses and real estate investments. He has this idea he's a bit of a failure. I don't have that problem because all my closest friends have simple lives. I don't really associate with people who talk about their investments.

Don't get hung up on it. Most people will assume your independently wealthy or eccentric.

You sound like you are in a good place. Enjoy it.

Was always my brother's answer to that question.

I guess he thought "electrical engineer" wasn't very exciting.



Cher

What job isn't socially adequate--unless one is thinking from the perspective of an elitist snob? And if the person asking is one of those why would you want to associate with them?