Dave Barry: "An Inconvenient Year"

Long read, but so worth it! :rofl:

"It was a year that strode boldly into the stall of human events and took a wide stance astride the porcelain bowl of history.

It was a year in which roughly 17,000 leading presidential contenders, plus, of course, Dennis Kucinich, held roughly 63,000 debates, during which they spewed out roughly 153 trillion words; and yet the only truly memorable phrase emitted in any political context was, "Don't tase me, bro!"

It was a year filled with bizarre, insane, destructive behavior -- an alarming amount of which involved astronauts.

In short, 2007 was a year of deep gloom, pierced occasionally by rays of even deeper gloom. Oh, sure, there were a few bright spots:

* Several courageous members of Congress -- it could be as many as a dozen -- decided, incredibly, not to run for president..."

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/12/21/AR2007122101950_pf.html

Upon taking power, the Democrats, who campaigned vigorously against the war in Iraq, and who hailed their victory as a clear voter mandate to get the troops out of Iraq, immediately get down to the business of being careful to not do anything that might actually result in the removal of troops from Iraq, in case that might turn out to be a bad idea. This is fine with President Bush, who calls for a "troop surge," based on his understanding of the comprehensive Iraq Study Group report, as interpreted for him by aides equipped with 20,000 GI Joe action figures.

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In other February action, Democrats in the House of Representatives, after a large amount of talking, pass a nonbinding resolution sternly ordering President Bush to get out of Iraq, unless, of course, he chooses not to. Over in the Senate, Democrats try to pass a nonbinding resolution that would not bind the president to the same course of action that the House resolution did not bind him to. But that one fails, leaving the president, according to political observers, somewhat less nonbound than he might otherwise have been. Everyone agrees it has been a busy, busy time in Washington.

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Democrats in Congress -- continuing to implement their policy of being passionately against the war while avoiding doing anything that might get them blamed for stopping the war -- vote to continue funding the war, but boldly enter many snippy remarks about it into the congressional record. President Bush receives this devastating news stoically, then goes ahead and makes his putt.

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the presidential contenders start to show signs of emotional wear during their debates, as exemplified by Mitt Romney's decision, following a heated exchange on trade policy, to whip out a Sharpie and write a bad word on Rudy Giuliani's forehead. The mood is equally testy on the Democratic side, where Bill Richardson, in the role of peacekeeper, has to physically restrain Hillary Clinton from repeatedly striking Barack Obama with Dennis Kucinich.

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As we stagger to the end of 2007, we have to face the fact that 2008, being a leap year, will have a whole extra day of alarming events. So, as bad as this year was, we should not be in such a hurry to move on. Instead, we should pause for a moment to raise a glass and offer a toast to our friends and loved ones, wishing them health and happiness.

And then we should put the glass down, because it was probably made in China.

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

I adore Dave Barry.

"On the homeland security front, the U.S. government begins requiring people arriving in the United States by air from Mexico or Canada to present passports, fueling speculation that Canada is a foreign country."

CANADA IS A FOREIGN COUNTRY???


:wtf: :wtf: :wtf: :wtf: :wtf: :wtf: :wtf: :wtf: :wtf: :wtf: :wtf: :wtf:

"But the big news in February is the death and subsequent wacky adventures of Anna Nicole Smith"

SHE'S DEAD???

:wtf: :wtf: :wtf: :wtf: :wtf: :wtf: :wtf: :wtf: :wtf: :wtf: :wtf:

"According to police, Nowak's car contained latex gloves, a black wig, a BB pistol, a knife, pepper spray and -- most disturbing of all -- a 55-gallon drum filled with Tang."

YOU CAN STILL BUY THAT SHIT?



:wtf: :wtf: :wtf: :wtf: :wtf: :wtf: :wtf: :wtf: :wtf: :wtf: :wtf:

I think the same people who drink Ovaltine and Delaware Punch must drink it. One major reason not to
become an astronaut.

Once you run out of real OJ, it makes a dandy mixer with vodka.***

You hardly notice the difference...

*** A special hint for you, Orleans, as you have to be running low about now. :smoke:

:rofl:

{B]"the riveting trial of Scooter "Scooter" Libby"

HIS NAME IS REALLY "SCOOTER"???

:wtf: :wtf: :wtf: :wtf: :wtf: :wtf: :wtf: :wtf: :wtf: :wtf:


"Iranian President Mahmoud "Scooter" Ahmadinejad, speaking at Columbia University, defends his denial of the Holocaust and claims there are no gays in Iran."

HIS MIDDLE NAME IS "SCOOTER"???

:wtf: :wtf: :wtf: :wtf: :wtf: :wtf: :wtf: :wtf: :wtf: :wtf:

LMAO :rofl:

"In entertainment news, author J.K. Rowling surprises fans of the Harry Potter series when she reveals that Albus Dumbledore, headmaster of Hogwarts School, was also secretly a U.S. senator from Idaho."

DUMBLEDORE WAS FROM IDAHO???


:wtf: :wtf: :wtf: :wtf: :wtf: :wtf: :wtf: :wtf: :wtf: :wtf: :wtf: :wtf:

congressional Democrats immediately pass a resolution condemning the procedure,

:rofl:

But it IS up there!!

And Mr. Barry too.

Thanks for posting. We need to keep our humor if we are to keep our wits.

Dick Cheney did not shoot anybody, as far as we know.



For real?

Al Gore is named co-winner of the Nobel Peace Prize for his efforts to raise awareness of climate change. In an emotional statement, Gore says he is "deeply humbled," stressing that he could not have won the honor without "an extremely high IQ."

That Dave Barry is a brilliant funny man.